Suddenly feeling jealous about affair, eight years on

[MrsPorter]

DH had an affair in 2006 - chatting over FB, then hotel rooms with her when he told me he was at his hobby.

He told me in early 2007, after the fact, but in order to get in before OW's H contacted me.

I was ok with the sexual side of their relationship, as weird as that sounds, but felt very betrayed about the emotional side. However, we did not split up and have since had DC together. I believe very strongly that he was horrified by his behaviour and does not want to risk losing what he has, particularly now DC are part of what he'd lose.

Tonight we were talking vaguely about V Day which is when we got engaged in 2003. I said something like ooh I've been wearing this [engagement] ring for twelve years, and he said something like "you've had me for longer than that".

And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks that although I can say I have slept with nobody but him for those twelve years, he can only claim the last eight.

I have PTSD from a previous abusive relationship and issues related. This week I've been dealing with flashbacks and low-level panic attacks. The PTSD has manifested as psychosis since I was pg with our youngest, now a toddler, and is approximately under control but simmering away unhelpfully.

I don't want to break up. I don't even really want to talk to him about it. I want to know why after eight fucking years the sex suddenly matters.

I'm going to sleep now (I hope) but needed to get this down.

Thanks tiptop - I hope so too.

I was checking through my "Threads I Started" for something completely different, and saw this.

I thought it might be of interest to some of you if I updated.

The weird heart things? Thyroid. Beta blockers have treated the symptoms reasonably well, and I'm about to start block-and-replace carbimazole/levothyroxine.

A side effect of the beta blockers is that it has dulled the worst of the anxiety (the FUCK THERE'S A SABRETOOTH TIGER level stuff). Our sex life is back to normal. I think 17th January was just a kind of panic attack.

Thanks again for all your kind remarks. It means so much that strangers would be a voice in the darkness.

Hi mrs P,
I very rarely if ever commented on posts except a couple of threads I started on my ex-H's affair. But felt the urge to say something having read your posts.
First of all I agree with a previous poster that you indeed come across as a very smart and articulate person. you sound very kind too. And a loving mother. I am only a stranger but it's painful to read what you have been through.
One thing I personally resonate with is the betrayal in the form of sharing your secret. My ex brought OW to pur house when I was on holiday with our DS. To me that was to expose our private space to OW (who later commented to me how I didn't look after my house my husband by the way).
In addition, he went to see a solicitor about divorce together with OW (to show her he was truly planning to leave me). I only realised what the first consultation entails when I did it myself. It means he exposed our financial status including my income to OW.
I could go on.
I can imagine yours was bigger or shall I say probably worse to be exposed to strangers.
I am not an expert either in medical terms or purely about relationships. But I want to say you are allowed/entitled to be unhappy about things that have hurt you even if they happened a long time ago. Please look after yourself in every possible way.
My ex's affair enlightened me how much I have forgotten about myself. I work almost full time in a very demanding industry and have been functioning as a single parent and in the end was laughed at by a shameless OW for not keeping the house clean. She didn't get to see, well I hope, I also didn't buy many new clothes for myself for years.
Since then I spent time (and money) and thoughts on myself, started using help on cleaning and gardening and had lovely holidays with DS. I didn't know back then life could be so good.
I know oursituations are very different but want to share anyway.
Have you talked to close friends about your feelings? It helped in my case. So has exercise, travelling...
All the very best.

Just delurking to say that I have seen some grade A examples of lousy behaviour on here from time to time, but your ex really takes the cake...So sorry and glad to hear that you have healed a little now.

Hi Twenty I assume that your post was referring to mine - thanks a lot for the kind words. It hasn't been easy and I am still worried about the impact of our broken family on DS. But I am so thankful that the OW revealed it all to me. I deserve way better.
OP I realised your original post was a while back and it sounds you are feeling fine now. Just want to say all the best, take care and enjoy life! X