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Original poster

How do I cope with being the only one not invited to family wedding?

28 replies

saltnpepa · 17/01/2015 18:00

There has been a 5 year feud between me and my brother, there have been times where we have tried hard to get along and other times were we have fought like cat and dog. He has done some terrible things to me like trying to ruin my dd christening and ignoring me in the street plus spreading lies about me. Now his DS is getting married and I'm the only one in a very large family not invited. Part of me knows this is a blessing because it means I can finally draw a line under trying to reconcile (why I have kept trying I don't know), but the other part of me is so hurt at being ostracized like this and I know the rest of my family are all buying new outfits and talking and planning it all meanwhile I'm just on the outside. I have thought about going nc with all of them until after the wedding, I have also thought about how to manage the questions about how do I feel etc and I plan to just say I'd prefer not to talk about it because I don't want to get pulled into more arguments and I genuinely don't want to go around slagging off anyones wedding day. How the hell do I cope with this?

OP posts:

Nolim · 17/01/2015 18:08

You would not enjoyed the wedding, so feel glad that this one is on him

ImperialBlether · 17/01/2015 18:08

Oh I'd be glad I wasn't going - there would only be trouble.

Are the rest of your family just as bad? I'd be tempted to go NC if they are.

chimichanga1976 · 17/01/2015 18:10

Hi Salt, you mention relations with your brother only, but what is the situation with your other family members like? In particular, your nephew?

I too would feel gutted, if he had put pressure on his son to not invite you out of spite. How did the feud begin in the first place? Just wondering if this has resulted in family members taking sides or can they see your brother's behaviour is unreasonable and sympathise with you?

Doilooklikeatourist · 17/01/2015 18:13

If anyone's asks about the wedding invite ( or lack of ) just say that you haven't been invited , but that's fine as you weren't expecting to be

Then change the subject

Don't explain
Don't excuse

ivykaty44 · 17/01/2015 18:14

I would answer people that ask - how do you feel about it - give them the truth, or say you are just going to have to deal with it and would rather not talk about it.

That way it doesn't add fuel to the fire and cause more upset for you

lem73 · 17/01/2015 18:15

I am NC with my brother to and I'd be glad not to be invited. It would be a stressful situation for you. If people ask you how you feel just say you didn't expect an invitation. Don't resent the rest of your family for going. The problem is between you and your brother and they can hardly refuse to go to a family member's wedding to show you moral support As you said this is a chance for you to draw a line and move on.

Joysmum · 17/01/2015 18:24

Have you maintained a close relationship with your nephew?

If not, surely he's right not to invite you?

capsium · 17/01/2015 18:25

I would just say "We've not been close so I wasn't invited but I wish him all the best & hope it goes well."

Meanwhile can you plan a lovely day out where you can dress up a bit? Nice restaurant or concert?

Original poster

saltnpepa · 17/01/2015 18:38

The entire family support me in what has been an awful 5 years putting up with my brothers behaviour. His son and I were very close when he was growing up but he has been brought in by my brother as ammunition along the way and although he has tried to be neutral it is his Dad after all. I can sort of see how DN has come to this decision, to support his Dad but what the hell am I meant to do with such a huge rejection, my whole family going but not me, my Mum is in shreds over it.

OP posts:

capsium · 17/01/2015 18:48

Ah, to imagined you weren't able to be close to your nephew. I would just say things are still difficult with your brother so you weren't invited but you wish your nephew all the best.

It's upsetting now but try to remember this is just one day. On that day the focus will be your nephew and his bride and if you want to minimise gossip I would just try to be as gracious as possible if the wedding is mentioned. You can still be pleased for your nephew.

Somethingtodo · 17/01/2015 19:39

What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot?

Would n't you want the best day for your ds - ie no risk of stress, tension, atmosphere or possible conflict?

So if there is a volatile relationship clouding your ds's day even if nothing erupts - would you invite you db? I know I would n't. Your db has done the best thing for his son.

Not sure what you want really you dont want to go - but you are gutted you are not invited you dont want to miss out with the rest of your family?
You need to have a bit of dignity - it is not all about you - it is about your dn. You should tell your dm that you are fine with it (wtf with going nc?) and encourage your dm to enjoy her dgs's wedding and dont cloud it with your issue.

LadyLuck10 · 17/01/2015 19:46

It's not about you and you shouldn't make it so. Your dn is right not to include you because it might be very stressful for you and his dad to be in the same room. Were you expecting to be invited given the circumstances. Surely you can see that your dn is doing what's best for him. Why do you want to go nc with the rest of your family over this? I don't think you should draw the others in over this.

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 17/01/2015 19:47

Send a nice present and show your dn that you care about him. If things are likely to get nasty between you and db at the wedding it is best for you not to go.

Wrapdress · 17/01/2015 20:06

I was intentionally not invited to Dad's #3 or Aunt's #2 wedding. When asked I just say, "I wasn't invited." Next question is usually "Why not?" I reply, "I don't know. Ask them." End of conversation.

There really isn't any "coping" about it. No one is obligated to invite any one of us anywhere.

Original poster

saltnpepa · 17/01/2015 20:58

Did I post in AIBU by mistake? I have acknowledged they didn't have to invite me, I have stated that I wish to remain gracious, I have asked for any advice on how to cope with the feelings of being ostracized. Just to clarify.

OP posts:

Original poster

saltnpepa · 17/01/2015 21:00

And go NC so me and everyone else can let eachother get on with it without constant references to it, not NC for life, just until after the event. Oh and btw brother destroyed my wedding and I knew he might but invited him anyway for the sake of everyone and because I couldn't bear to leave anyone out, not even him.

OP posts:

capsium · 17/01/2015 21:48

When I suggested remaining gracious it wasn't an accusation OP. This situation is obviously upsetting you so taking yourself out of circulation for a bit, I think, might actually be a good idea.

The ostracisation is only by your brother, who you have not got on very well with for years - so no news there. Keep reminding yourself of this.

Could you take a holiday around the time of the wedding? Take your mind off it.

Greencurtain · 17/01/2015 21:55

Well I think it's better this way.

Wouldn't you feel weird to be invited to the wedding?

It's just a party, try not to think of it as such a big deal.

Your brother might be meeting part of the cost of the wedding. I can't see why he'd want to invite you if your alternate between NC and arguing.

Am I missing the point? Would you want him at your kid's wedding?

Greencurtain · 17/01/2015 21:59

Can you explain why it's upsetting you? Because all I can see is that you don't have the chance to buy a new outfit (or similar).

I do not understand why you would go temporarily NC with other family members over this. If I was one of those family members you went NC with because you had rows with your brother and not me, I'm afraid I'd be taking your temporary NC with me and making it permanent!

Armpitt · 17/01/2015 22:02

i think its a head and heart thing, isnt it OP>
You kind of know its logical and for the best but in your heart wish it were different.

TheRealMaryMillington · 17/01/2015 22:08

Don't go temporarily NC with the other members of your family, you will end up drawing them into it, escalating it somehow. Just don't be drawn on it - surely they know and understand anyway? If he ruined your wedding etc?

Of course you are hurt, but just be gracious, send a lovely gift.

Your poor mum.

Quitelikely · 17/01/2015 22:09

If you are NC with your brother I am struggling to understand why you are even concerned in the slightest about this wedding.

Most people who go NC feel relieved that they do not have to face such things.

I'm not sure why all your family are talking about it when you are there either? I mean, why would they - knowing the circumstances.

No I don't think you should leave your family alone until after the wedding. It's not their fault is it?

I understand you Might be sad about your relationship with your brother but just because there is going to be a wedding it has got nothing to do with the state of affairs with your DB.

My advice is to accept his loyalty is with his father. Understandable and end of. Don't waste anymore emotional energy

Original poster

saltnpepa · 18/01/2015 07:34

Thank you for your replies, Armpitt I think you've summed it up, I suppose it's a sadness about what has been lost.

OP posts:

YonicSleighdriver · 18/01/2015 07:58

I think it would be fine to ask the others not to talk to you about it.

littleleftie · 18/01/2015 10:03

I do understand OP but you need to keep telling yourself the truth - this is far far better than you actually being invited.

Can you do something really nice for yourself like book a holiday around the time of the wedding so you are distracted and not around to hear all about it?

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