is this abuse?

[namechangingg]

I will try to keep this short please bear with me.
I'm genuinely unsure if I'm in a emotionally abusive relationship or not.
Ive considered leaving DP many times but I don't know if it's "bad enough"?
If I told him I thought this was an abusive relationship he would laugh in my face.
He's very controlling, he doesn't take my money off me but asks what ive spent, why i bought Xyz, constantly tells me i spend to much and im bad with money. I never pick up anything if we are in a shop together as he'll just go off on one. He buys himself things all the time, often very expensive consoles or clothes. We do the food shop together but he choses what we buy. He doesn't like my friends and hates me going out, often finds a reasons to stop me Or guilt trips me as im leaving the door. He says im not a teenager anymore and I have kids to think about so I can't go to the pub ect. I have never stopped him going out, secretly I like having an evening to myself when the kids are asleep. He says i dress nice or put on more makeup to see my mates but not when im with him.
He gets very jealous of other men and seems to think so and so "was all over me" even our friends.
More recently he went through my phone when I was asleep and started an argument about me moaning to my friend about him. At the time of me moaning to my friend i was annoyed with him so the messages looked really bad I must admit.
He micromanages when we are at home constantly giving me jobs to do and asking for me to cook clean this, hoover that ect.even though I make sure the house is spotless its never good enough for him..im never good enough for him.
Hes also very nasty to my son maybe because its not his child or because ds has asd.
I've been the first to say LTB many times but I can't see clearly when I love him so much. It doesn't seem like having plates thrown at you like on the TV. I dont know.
Sorry to ramble.

The only reason you need to leave a relationship, is if you no longer want to be in it. You do not need any kind of justification.

You definitely do not need his blessing, or understanding your reason, to leave. This is your choice: no-one has to stay in a relationship they no longer want to be in.

And yes, the man you describe is abusive.

Do you want to stay in this relationship?

You're describing a pretty classic set of behaviours that go along with coercive control or emotional abuse. The effect of such behaviour is to control you by crushing your confidence. Even the question 'is this abuse?' is a sign that you no longer trust your own judgement.

Whatever you want to call it, if you're routinely unhappy and feel intimidated, under attack, insulted, dismissed... if all the love is going in one direction......then that's simply not a good or healthy relationship.

I think I want to be in this relationship. I just want him to stop these behaviours.
I suppose practically I dont want to uproot my whole life without proper justification. Im trying very hard to see from an outside perspective if its worth trying to make it work.?

Why would he stop, they're working for him?

Yes you should leave. What would happen if you just stopped doing what you're told? Try that and then decide.

I just want him to stop

You're on a hiding to nothing unless he wants to change himself. Does he?

Have a look at the links at the top of this thread, namechanging.

You sound unsure, so maybe reading up on the mechanics of abuse might answer some of your questions.

Maybe "uprooting your whole life" and that of your children would be a better decision than staying with this arsehole?

To an outsider his behaviour is very controlling and abusive, but what really matters, the only thing really, is whether you are willing to tolerate another 40 years of the same shit or worse.

What is certain is that he won't ever change, as there's no incentive for him to. And that's if he could, which is doubtful.

You don't need any convincing reasons to call and end to this, just that you don't want the relationship to continue if it's making you so unhappy.

Think about this: do you want your DP's behaviour to be the model for how your children view adult relationship? Would you be happy seeing your daughter being maltreated in the way you are? Would you be happy for your son to bully, undermine and demean his partner like yours does to you?

'I just want him to stop'

There is precious little you can do to change someone's behaviour. The only possible chance you have is to show them that the consequences of their actions are going to to be really unpleasant. Anything short of that, any sign of hesitation or weakness on your part, and you're not going to be taken seriously. Even if they do take you seriously a manipulative bully is likely to say whatever it is you want to hear.

So prepare for independence. Do it a) for yourself b) for any DCS who don't deserve to grow up with this shit and c) to get taken seriously,

Thank you goats for that link, I've been off reading some of the links. Its made my stomach sink. There where many other things I hadn't thought of or missed. I feel sick.

It's not surprising you feel sick. These are difficult issues to face.

MN is always here to help with the emotional roller-coaster. But what kind of RL support do you have out there?
I can't tell you how much it helps to be able to open up to a true supportive friend.

So what would happen if you didn't go along with his controlling ways? Does he have you tiptoing to avoid upsetting him? What would happen if you laughed at his list of jobs and said "that isn't going to happen I've finished housework for today. If you want it doing do it yourself?" Or if you simply took your trolley off and did your own shopping without his input? Can you see you are modifying your behaviour to appease him already?

You would need to have a full and frank conversation with him about his controlling ways and let him know that as of now this stops and you will dress how you like/spend what you want/see who you like or the relationship is over. Can you even imagine doing that? If not then start planning to get out because he isn't going to change without a major wake-up call.

Personally I think it is a waste of time trying but when you first realise what sort of relationship you have drifted into it is a horrid gutwrenching nightmare and it takes a long time to process and work out what to do about it.

He is nasty to your son but you can't find enough justification to end it ?

really ?

Look, it's your choice to tolerate bad treatment from this inadequate price but your son has no such choice

So, currently you are putting your relationship before the emotional well being of your son

is that ok with you ?

*prick

Hi,
I just wanted to send a little note to say that I'm sorry for your situation and i hear everything you are saying.
I signed up to MN last night and started a very similar threat about my own situation - see 'is this normal'. I'm in a bit of a mess...
I know what you're going through. I have learned to hold back putting things in the shopping trolly. I limit extravagent plans with my friends (wears me down being quizzed about money) and like you, I am pleased for my husband to go out, even go on trips abroad with his friends so I can enjoy some peace.
I know where you're coming from about not knowing whether or not it counts as abuse, and how you can feel muddled and confused, especially when you're having a 'normal' day. I'm afraid I can't tell you what to do or give you any firm guidance but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and I know how you feel x

Name changing it is abuse they don't change I've been listening to how he's gonna change 5yrs it still same how he's gonna get help ain't happened you only have one life and il be damned if I'm gonna live it by someone else's rules,I've my plan set in motion to be out of here by end of year I'm not going court to fight for the house I don't want it I'm getting place of my own where me and kids can be ourselves not worrying is he on he's way home this is not done he will be moaning them days will be gone!

I hope your ok! And if i was in your shoes I wouldn't let any man be mean to my child. But what you have described is abuse Hun. You need to leave this man before things get a lot worse. Big hugs xx

Hi Op, here's a bit of my story that might help you. (oops gone on a bit, and cant read back as am not 100% safe, but have got a few mins to share)

First good for you for reaching out. You are brave to question your thinking. I'm sorry - Yes it is abusive, but as a woman who has taken 8 years to leave my 11 year relationship (it happens on the 1st Feb when HE leaves to rent locally) I totally understand where you are coming from because the thoughts you are having are etched on the inside of my head, and I 100% get the doubt you are feeling. It is abuse. But remember you are the victim, you are not at fault.

The only way this will continue to work as a relationship is if you continue to be down on yourself. It's ok I didnt like that friend anyway, it's OK I don't mind going without because I like to see you have nice things, it's not affecting my children because I can cope with this it's not all the time afterall.

I have years of this you know this is nothing compared to the reality of living it.

My journey to being strong enough to reach here, from 100% shit to facing a single life with him out began with me talking to my local domestic abuse line in November just gone. You may yet spend years reaching that point, sorry I tried to leave 2.5 years ago and crumbled. I thought I was strong enough. I'd phoned the support line then too.

And no, he did not physically abuse me. Head stuff. You'll know when you are ready to end it.

It began differently this time for me when I learned to listen to the needs I have and was not meedting. I knew if I was to die tomorrow (I have a friend who is a hospice nurse, regularly mothers 20 years younger than me are chosen) well, I would be so diappointed with myself for not trying to get out.Sound trite? It might help you think a little differently, I know the internal trap is the hardest to spring. Mine was. Thats why I caved 2 and a half years ago.

First I listened to what I was saying to myself, the repetition of I dont know how to get out, I wish this would stop, I cant cope, its not abuse is it, its not that bad, if hes happy its ok, its ok he'll be dead one day (a good 8 years old that one), Im a bad person, and on and more hours and hours worth

then I felt the feelings, this was hard, it is new to empathise with myself, it still is, but it works. Marshall Rosenberg was introduced to me check him out on Youtube. When I got in touch (oh and hugged a tree!) with myself I knew I had diappontment, fear, belittlement, lowliness, sadness, capitulation, THE CAGE!!!, and on, never good, nothing good,

Then go on to feel the need, I NEED to FEEL WORTH!! I wish I could talk to you and help, I hope this helps a bit. I have to go now and am sorry if this isnt where you are at, but from my heart I wish you the courage and compassion for yourself, and the trust that you can get out. In November stood at my back door and pleaded to the sky to let me have learned enough to, please set me free, 11 years of it, and I now realise the key, the strength came from me, it was there all along.

Good luck, I hope and trust you will get there. xxxMishmash

Are you in an abusive relationship? Yes you are. It sounds like you have just realised it.

So is your son and by staying you are allowing it to happen.

Sorry but once your partner started being abusive to your son, you should have either left or thrown him out. He's not going to change, he clearly likes being the way he is & while you hang around waiting for him to be the person you want, you are allowing your son to suffer.
Now your son is involved, it is no longer about what you want. If my DP was nasty to my son, he would be out on his arse. Your children come first & you being in love with this man, is not a good enough reason for them to tolerate this behaviour.
You need to be stronger than this & do what is right for your son (& also yourself, this man doesn't deserve you)

You are conflicted though - so worth thinking about the positive things in the relationship too? What makes you "love him so much"? What do you love about him? You have described all the things that make you feel uncomfortable but how and when does he ever make you feel loved?

There's a really good book called "too bad to stay, to good to leave" or similar which you could try and get hold of - it helps think through some if these things.

You only get one life and then it's to late x xmy stepdad died of cancer this year I'm crying writing this miss him so much my mam broken hearted,I made a decision that life was to short and that I'm no longer gonna live with this horrible abusive man he not gonna drag me down I'm only young 31 years i have my plan made to move out this year and get away from him.

How are you feeling today, name?

You really have to ask, he's nasty to your son, one and only reason to get rid never mind the rest, please put your child before this creep.