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Original poster

DH now 'dating' his OW

47 replies

siblingrevelryagain · 17/01/2015 11:36

Found out at start of last year thar DH had an emotional affair with Colleague (still maintains not physical), we tried to stay together (he allegedly was no contact with her), but we split for good in August. I've just got through first anniversary (would've been our 10th) and Xmas with just me and our 3 children.

He told me that he had thought about it over new year, and after talking to friends had arranged to see her, so as far as I know he met her for dinner last week.

I had previously told him (months ago) that I would never allow him to see the kids whilst with her, so am I right to be hurt all over again that he's seemingly choosing this path whereby his children are put second to his wishes?

I'm still getting over what's happened, and the biggest part I can't forgive is how he could do it to our children. If they end up having a stepmom (which I accept is inevitable-I'd like to think I won't be alone forever either), I'd have liked her involved in their lives, and I'd have liked to think we could have had some sort of civil/friendly relationship. How can this happen now if she becomes his partner, knowing that she was complicit in breaking up our marriage?

OP posts:
KouignAmann · 17/01/2015 11:45

Poor you, that must hurt a lot. But you do know you can't police his life don't you? Who he sees and how he spends his time is nothing to do with you. You need to concentrate on being a good co-parent with him and that may mean tolerating this woman seeing your DC even if you want to stab her

Don't hurt yourself by finding out details of his life. Don't let people tell you. Don't pry. Just get on with your own life and leave him to it. In a year or two you won't care at all.

Nolim · 17/01/2015 11:48

"I had previously told him (months ago) that I would never allow him to see the kids whilst with her"

I dont think you can refuse contact because of these. I am sorry your marriage is over, but for your kids sake try to accept the situation and have a civil relationship with your ex.

cailindana · 17/01/2015 11:48

Your hurt is totally understandable, but putting conditions like this on his contact with the children is not on. As Kouign says, you can't police him.

He sounds like a dickhead, and he's hurt you very badly, but now that you're broken up it's up to him who he sees. He's right not abide by your conditions, they're not reasonable.

It'll take time but you need to work on letting him go and accepting what's happened. You can't put road blocks up in his relationship with his children - they won't thank you for it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2015 11:58

Agreeing with others. If your DCs are going to have a good relationship with both parents, partners are inevitably going to be a feature. Unless you think someone presents a risk you can't veto their presence. This woman didn't break up your marriage and it would be unfair (although understandable) to place the blame at her door. He decided it was over. It's sad, it hurts and you have every sympathy. But this is not the way forward.

FabULouse · 17/01/2015 12:24

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Sophrosyne · 17/01/2015 12:38

It sucks and is soooo unfair on you. He is a lying, cheating so and so and she probably was more to him than he led you to believe. It hurts like nothing else, I know.
But, as much as the whole situation stinks like a festering pile of excrement left in the summer sun for a month, there is not much you can do to prevent her meeting the kids. What you can do is play up what is best for the children and ask him to postpone if for X amount of months and then do it slowly, slowly so the kids can get used to it. They are still getting used to the idea that their parents are not getting back together (most kids, especially young ones, want their parents back together in some form).
Eventually they will meet whoever he is with, but please remember, this particular woman makes it even more difficult for you because of the history involved. With the next one, I'll bet you wouldn't bat an eyelash at, tbh as she will be just some woman. But to the kids right now, in their innocence, she's just some woman.

Original poster
siblingrevelryagain · 17/01/2015 12:47

Thanks for the replies-just to clarify, when I say I told him he can't see them I meant when actually with her, not just 'with her'. I'd never stop him seeing the children and have ensured he sees them frequently since our split. I just don't want her spending time with my kids as she hasn't ever had their best interests at heart so she's not someone I'd choose my children to be around.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 17/01/2015 12:49

We knew what you meant. I'm so sorry, but that's not for you to decide. The fact she is physically in the presence of your DC is not enough to prevent contact.

CaramelPie · 17/01/2015 12:49

You need to start putting your children first here and try to put your own feelings about this woman to one side. You are making unenforceable demands and in time your children are bound to sense this and and it will cause stress in their lives.

CaramelPie · 17/01/2015 12:52

I don't see how some stranger could be expected to have your children's best interested at heart?

RVPisnomore · 17/01/2015 12:56

Sorry as others have said, you can't dictate who he is with whilst he has the children. You're in a difficult position but try and remain civil with your ex and neutral about her. Don't let the children become aware of what's happened it won't help anyone long term.

cailindana · 17/01/2015 12:58

If you feel that way then why are you letting your husband see them at all? He's the one who had an affair and walked out, she had no duty to them at all. Granted, she isn't an admirable person but it doesn't make sense to restrict your children's access to their father because of her. If you have genuine concerns that she is bad for them in some way, then act on that, but if you're just being spiteful and wanting to disrupt their relationship then you need to let that go pretty quick smart - using children as pawns in a separation is awful.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 17/01/2015 12:58

I echo what the others have said, no matter how you feel, you cannot put conditions on access visits.

What happens if it turns into a long term relationship? The children will need to see her at some point or they will never be able to visit him at his home. And whilst I agree she wasn't thinking about your dc when she was having an affair with your ex, it does not necessarily mean she will not be good to them when she see them. If she does turn out to be awful and it is affecting the children, then you would have every right to say no to contact with her.

I am really sorry you are in this situation, it must be dreadful for you. But I also know that when you are really hurting, it clouds your judgment and it is better to wait until you have a clearer head to make important decisions. I really hope things get better for you soon.

todayiamfat · 17/01/2015 12:58

OP, your situation is scarily like mine. Even down to separaring last August. My stbx has now openly admitteded to shagging her regularly (i never asked for this information).

I too have said she is to have nothing to do with my kids. I had a hard time on here for it. So far, as far as I know, he has respected my wishes.

I don't care anymore. When i see him i don't feel much. No pain or sadness. In fact, I am going on my first ever date tonight!

I feel your pain. I agree with everything you've said. But eventually you will have to allow it. You are right though, it isnt the fact it is another woman he is dating. But the fact this bitch woman started a relationship with a married man with kids. She didn't give a shit. But neither did he too. They are both arseholes xxx

lordStrange · 17/01/2015 13:06

Flowers It's a horrible situation and heart wrenching. I am in a similar position.
You have to take things slowly as how you feel will change over time. Honestly, you will begin to view this situation with OW quite dispassionately in a year from now.

ExP asked me a while ago about the DC meeting his OW. I said no. Firstly because the older DC doesn't want to, and secondly because my youngest I think will be quite baffled by this woman and her own small family - he moved straight in with her as soon as she had booted her husband out, charmers the pair of them Grin. When the older one changes his mind, when the younger dc matures a little, it's fine.

So you wait, get the timing right, put your kids first.

handfulofcottonbuds · 17/01/2015 13:11

I am so sorry for you and what has happened, I know it is still very raw for you.

I agree with others who have posted but would also question whether it is your DCs best interests to see their Dad now with another woman?

Your DCs are no doubt going through their own torment. They need reassurance from both parents that they will always be loved and come first no matter what happens with new partners. I think it would be too soon for them to see their Dad with another woman.

IMO, they should be seeing their Dad on their own to rebuild their relationship and adapt to the separation.

I don't think restrictions on meeting a new partner should be down to either of you - it should be led by your DCs and when they feel ready. Right now, they need stability and security.

For you, I understand your pain and I hope you are taking care of you - it will get better Thanks

lordStrange · 17/01/2015 13:13

Completely agree, Cottonbuds.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/01/2015 13:22

If you insist that this woman cannot accompany him when he sees his children, that is the one thing you can guarantee will happen.

It's understandable that you don't want her to have contact any with your children but it's not something you can or should attempt to police. It just makes you appear vengeful, unreasonable and maladjusted. Very possibly the very reasons why he justifies his past actions to himself.

He's the vile betrayer, not her. She didn't betray anyone, and she owes you nothing. She could be a very nice woman, just one who was foolish enough to get involved with a man who was not and should not have been available. It's entirely possible that she could become a positive influence in your children's lives, who knows?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2015 13:29

I note it's been 12 months since the break up. He appears to be handling this reasonably sensitively, not rushing things along. Realise that nothing he suggests regarding your replacement is ever going to come without a side order of pain but he could be dealing with this a lot worse.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 17/01/2015 13:30

I asked my exH not to introduce the OW to our DC for a few months, about 4, after our separation. Partly to make sure she was a long term thing, so not to mess them about, and partly out of spite. Blush It hurt when they finally met her, but 3 years on they have married and my DC spend every other weekend with them. Now I couldn't care less. She's never going to be their mum, I never have to see her myself, or indeed him as we arrange pick ups from school.

I agree with others that you can't control what your STBEX does with his life. If he has any morals left he will introduce this woman to your DC carefully, but introduce her he will. It's important that you let your DC have a decent relationship with their father and if this woman becomes part of his life, she's going to become part of theirs, however you feel about her moral standing.

TheWhiteRoad · 17/01/2015 13:38

OP I really do sympathise. I can see why you're upset.

BUT (assuming he has PR) it is simply not for you to decide. He has a right to parent as he sees fit - and that includes who DCs spend time with on his watch. You simply cannot put those kinds of restrictions on access arrangements.

Rebecca2014 · 17/01/2015 13:48

It must be hard. Me and ex have split, no ow but if there was one...no I would not be happy with my daughter spending time with her. So glad that is not the case for me, phew.

It is still early days, hopefully it will not work out for them but if it does...you just got to accept that your kids will meet her.

Chaseface · 17/01/2015 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleleftie · 17/01/2015 16:37

OP you simply cannot tell XH who he can and cannot spend time with when he has his DC.

I am sure we all understand your hurt but you have to learn to let it go and accept how things are now Sad

My DM made life very difficult for my DF when they split after his affair and I have never forgiven her. It was not my battle and I should not have been involved. The OW was lovely to me. My mother was putting her own feelings first.

getthefeckouttahere · 17/01/2015 16:41

hugs. No advice just hugs.

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