DH now 'dating' his OW

[siblingrevelryagain]

Found out at start of last year thar DH had an emotional affair with Colleague (still maintains not physical), we tried to stay together (he allegedly was no contact with her), but we split for good in August. I've just got through first anniversary (would've been our 10th) and Xmas with just me and our 3 children.

He told me that he had thought about it over new year, and after talking to friends had arranged to see her, so as far as I know he met her for dinner last week.

I had previously told him (months ago) that I would never allow him to see the kids whilst with her, so am I right to be hurt all over again that he's seemingly choosing this path whereby his children are put second to his wishes?

I'm still getting over what's happened, and the biggest part I can't forgive is how he could do it to our children. If they end up having a stepmom (which I accept is inevitable-I'd like to think I won't be alone forever either), I'd have liked her involved in their lives, and I'd have liked to think we could have had some sort of civil/friendly relationship. How can this happen now if she becomes his partner, knowing that she was complicit in breaking up our marriage?

I echo the others. As upsetting as it is its not for you to decide who has contact with the dc when it's his contact times - and that includes the ow. (And I've been left for an ow in my previous marriage so I know how much it sucks).

You wouldn't want him to tell you what you can and can't do with the children or who they can talk to when they are with you - it's the same thing in reverse. Even if it's the ow.

I totally understand you feelings! But, as others have said, you really can't control this situation. As hard as it will be, I think you need to try to focus on whether or not she is able to treat your children well, regardless of how your marriage ended.

My cousin's marriage ended due to an OW. As much as cousin hated her as the OW, even she had to admit that OW was a good stepmother and respected cousin's position as the children's mother.

It's sad he has left you but the stark reality is that you are separated. You can't control who he dates and how much he sees or doesn't see his children depending on who he dates.

You have lived apart now for almost 6 months and he has a right to a new life with whoever he wants. If he had left you without an 'OW' to go to, would you still be forbidding him to see his children?

If you put your children first in all of this- which is what you seem to want- then you need to remain neutral at least about the women who will come into his life from now on. Being bitter won't help anyone.

Horribly sad situation but, as you've hinted, what if you embark on another relationship? Does that mean your ex can say the kids cannot have contact with your new bloke? Whilst it's hurting, trying to set such conditions can only make a bad situation worse and may come back to bite you on the bum. Look forward not back. If he is still being a good Dad to the kids then that's a positive.

He is not your DH.

You have split up.

You do not get to decide who he dates.

He is your children's father.

You do not get to decide what he does when he sees them, or who he introduces them to.

Let it go.

As for her being she was complicit in breaking up our marriage - you're talking as if everything would have been just fine if she didn't exist.

This is never the case.

I do totally blame him-she, after all, didn't break any vows to me.
In the beginning I was completely ambivalent to her, as I knew it wasn't her fault.

However, when we were trying to put our marriage back together, my ex told her they couldn't/shouldn't have contact as we were working on staying together, and she continued to pursue him; calling here (trying to FaceTime on the iPad my children used, sending birthday card etc). After this my feelings towards her changed-at no point was she thinking about my three children in all of this (and I accept she was a stranger, but if I cared about someone I'd feel a bit bad to be having an effect on three children), so I find it hard to have to accept that she will now possibly be a important part of their lives. And not because she's my ex's girlfriend-I don't want him back on any terms, and i don't want him to be alone forever-but because she doesn't strike me as a particularly nice person!

I make it easy for my ex to be with his children as I know it is the best thing for them. I don't get why I have to accept her too (imagine he had a friend who was violent-surely as their mother I'd be allowed to voice concern about whether that person is good for them to be around?).

People aren't 'owned' by anyone.

This woman didn't steal your DH and no matter how much contact she made when he said he was trying to mend your marriage, it was he who made his decision to leave. He clearly wasn't trying to mend the marriage or he'd have ignored her totally.

Your children were not her responsibility and although I completely get what you mean about a woman pursuing a married man with children, and the fall out, it was your DH who left - he could have stopped the affair.

You've got to try to stop being bitter and leave it be.

Please tell me how to stop being bitter.

I am moving on (successfully) with my life. Losing weight, booking holidays, thinking of dating etc, and me and the children are happy.

But how can you switch off anger when someone has done something horrible to you and your children? I'd love someone to share with me how I forget what he did. Or is it just a matter of time and it will happen?

Hi op (gentle hugs to you), I feel that you may find it a great help to get some councelling, you have had a berevement only the person hasn't died, but your life as you know it has. It would help you to come to terms with your feelings in a safe and caring environment.

I hope that one day you meet a person that respects and cares for you as you deserve it.

Be kind to yourself and build yourself and your dc a new life, one full of love.

It may take some time for you to stop feeling bitter. But you will eventually, especially as you are making a conscious effort to move on.

But the thing is, even if you feel bitter, you can still choose to behave in a reasonable manner. E.g., by facilitating access for your ex and by stopping dramatic pronouncements about what he can and cannot do with his own children. It is hard. As a lone parent with a sometimes difficult ex, I know it's hard. But maintaining a decent relationship with your ex will benefit your DCs in the long run so it's worth pursuing.

You are entitled to feel bitter
You are entitled to be angry
You are entitled to be in pain
You are entitled to be angry with both of them
You are entitled to come on here and vent

I think some of the replies have been dismissive of the torment you are going through. There is no timescale on this, we are all different!

Yes, your H was the one who betrayed you ultimately but OW did play a part in this.

For me, most of the healing process hasn't involved anger towards the OW. She had no loyalty to me. That doesn't mean I wouldn't get the urge to slap her stupid face if I met her.

You are doing the right things for you to move forward and should be proud. It sounds like you have dignity and your DCs best interests at heart. Why else would you ask advice on here about contact if you didn't?

You have had good advice on here as far as contact with DCs should progress, be led by them and their needs.

You will be okay, trust me. I am far from completely healed but it does get easier.

But how can you switch off anger when someone has done something horrible to you and your children?

You mean your DH?
Because he is the one who has left.
The OW was there but if it wasn't her he may have left anyway.
You'll never know but if your marriage wasn't strong enough to survive a woman 'coming onto him' then it wasn't in good shape anyway.

Agree with others- counselling to work through your anger.

Sibling
I dont know the magic answer to your question. How to stop feeling bitter.

For me it was seeing that he is being a shocking twat to all his own family too. I realised it wasn't 'me' he was targeting. Daft maybe.

I think i fell out of love with him over xmas. When I saw he had left his grieving father alone on xmas day to presumably be with OW. This man had insisted we soenf the last 17 years at his parents house on xmas day.

Anyway. I still feel funny about OW seeing my dc. She was a fanily friend so they know her already too. And unfortunately, despite being 5 (eldest) knew what what going on because the tosser took her alomg wither him meeting OW (before it all came out).

But if he turned round and insisted now? I wouldn't stop it. I am fully commited to moving on.

For me it was the 'falling out of love'.

Not helpful, I know. But wanted to say that I think what you are feeling is very valid and justified. Admitedly, if you are still feeling like this if their relationship develops in 6 mths time, then I think youve got to let go xxx

today - I'm so glad that you are feeling much stronger

I do totally understand. He is a wanker. She is a marriage-breakimg harlot. Been there, believe me.

However, my exH is now living with his OW, 10 months after we split (in fact they moved in together only 4 months after we split). I have never met her, but I accept that the DC do spend time with her, in fact I encouraged him to introduce them to her, as I felt it was getting in the way of them spending time with her.

Deep down I have kind of mafe my peace with him, and our reationship ending. I still hate her guts, though I would never let it show on the outside.

My DC are too young to question whether she was involved in our marriage ending. If they do ask I guess I'll tell them the truth one day but not yet.

Good luck and stay strong.

aargh, that should say getting in the way of them spending time with him not her, obviously!

ooh and in terms of how to move on... I guess what helped me was accepting that our marriage wasn't perfect,that maybe we had been hanging onto it for far too long, and that, even though the way he did it was awful, ending the marriage was quite possibly the best thing exH could have done. But that is a very personal thing.

In practical terms- new job, new house, spending lots of time with friends, making sure he does his fair share of childcare so you get some free time... and an unexpected whirlwind romance via online dating which didn't last, but certainly reminded me what I had been missing!

Totally get it - I have never understood how OW could even consider getting involved with a man with DC, let alone doing all in her power once she got her claws in, to make things hideous between me and stbxh...

But for me, it was waking up to the fact I really didn't want him AT ALL - she had actually done me a huge favour and now she has to put up with all the huge things that niggled me throughout our entire relationship but which i compromised for because I loved him... and i don't mean the day to day crap but the big things like complete lack of ambition, never putting his hand in his pocket for anything, blaming the world for everything and never taking responsibility for his actions (rather like our break up actually!)

I actually feel a bit sorry for her because he will just drag her down eventually and I would imagine they will cling onto each far longer than they should because the price they paid for their 'soul mate' relationship was too high...

My DC know her and like her - I don't and don't ever plan to.. suits me

The later posters have hit the nail on the head. Although you may have no real say over it, do not fall into the trap of thinking that you have to be kind, tolerant or friendly to the OW. You don't.

I have made it perfectly dear that i do not wish the OM to speak to me, come to my house or be at any event etc that i am at. I have made it clear that if this happens i will feel under no obligation whatsoever to be polite or 'reasonable'.

It may strike some as childish or bitter, it is however what i want and i have no problem with articulating that.

Other than that they can do as they please.