is this normal?

[flightygirlwoman]

I have been married for 3 1/2 yrs. We have a four 1/2 yr old DD and I am pregnant at mo. Moving house soon to large 'grown up' type house in affluent area. Both have good jobs, nice holidays, posh meals out and nice friends etc. But this is how I feel inside:
Husband started to bully me within weeks of DD being born. Was a vulnerable time and I would often go into shock at rude / nasty things he says. Its been going on ever since. Great dad but nasty and puts me down over domestic chores. Expects house to be spotless at all times. Eg. when I was on mat leave last time if he came home from work and I was washing up he would make critical remark about me not having done it earlier in day, never looks me in eye or says hello, glances around room scanning for 'mess'.
If I have a drink and then get up to leave room temporarily (e.g. to go to the loo) he was snapily ask why I haven't taken my glass to the kitchen, often when I am planning to return to room to finish drink. A great deal of time since moving in together 6 yrs ago has involved him goading / critising / nagging me. I am not a slob or lazy. I do my best. Sometimes I get tired and demoralised but that is because of him.
After a year or so of this going on, I lost quite a lot of self esteem. I also heard him flirting with colleagues a lot on the phone (he works from home) and started to feel worse. Things started to unravel and I became more and more tearful and 'victim-like' whenever he had an outburst. I felt awful a lot of the time.
By 2 yrs I had unravelled to the point, where, completely unplanned, I was out drinking with work colleagues on night (I rarely let my hair down) and I randomly snogged a guy from my job. Obviously I was shell shocked by what I had done, but then I went into a dark spiral and somehow formed a crippling obsession with the guy - even though I had known him for several months and never really noticed or had an interest in him.
Over the next six months, my husband continued to be spiteful and unsupportive. One day I fell asleep on the couch during the day (totally unlike me - and he does this all the time?!) and he went ballistic at me because I had got behind with my chores. I was in tears and he never apologised for over-reacting.
Anyway, during this period, I slept with the guy from work twice. I was totally relentless and would stop at nothing to gain his attention / affection.
He didn't treat me particularly nicely. I think he knew I was a bit obsessed with him and he was a bit of an opportunist (fling with a married woman etc). He never made any promises about a relationship, but the cooler he was with me, the more fixated I became.
After six months of this, I blurted out to husband what had happened. Partly because I hated my husband. Partly because I was in self-destruct mode. Partly because of some wharped idea that if I was single then boy from work would dump his g'friend and go out with me instead....
Things obviously got very bad and marriage was hanging by a threat. Boy refused to talk to me. I walked out on my job suddenly.
18 months later...
My married is ok-ish, after a year of intense arguing and going around in circles about whether to stay together. Well I'm pregnant again and we're moving house. However, there is no physical relationship (apart from a couple of times), we don't sleep in the same bed and haven't done for ages. He still bullies me over crumbs or mess etc but I am so well trained now I do things in anticipation of his reactions (rather than of my own free will) which doesn't feel normal to me.
Additionally, its been 18 months since I saw the guy from work. I think about him every day. Google him. Day dream about him. Sometimes cry. I imagine bumping in to him. It feels miserable. I secretly spent £400 on a hypnotherapy course six months ago (just before I fell pregnant), but it didn't work.
I am also scared that when our second baby comes and we have a bigger house to look after I won't be able to meet my husband's domestic expectations.
I feel scared of what will become of me.
I know I've behaved terribly but I just don't know how to take control of my life or feel happy. I haven't even been hugged or kissed in six months and I feel a bit lost. Its a stupid life, pregnant and living in a lovely big house, sitting in bed on my own obsessing about someone who never cared about me and I haven't seen for 18 months.
Sorry for ramble. I've sort of grown tired of this narrative myself (and so have my close girlfriends I suspect). Any guidance welcome xx

It's not normal, no. Your relationship with your husband is emotionally abusive. 'Coercive control' if you want another term. Bullying, criticism, pettiness, and all the other things you describe are appalling behaviour designed to keep you anxious, unhappy, low in confidence and under control. That it started around the time you were first pregnant is very typical, unfortunately. Sleeping with another man, and especially confessing it, was obviously a mistake but it doesn't mean you have to stick around for more abuse.

If you'd like to talk to someone about what is happening you can call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. A 'good dad' doesn't make his children grow up in a house where their lovely mum is subjected to abuse.

You need neither of these men. H is a bully, other is a fantasy figure. Wiser heads than me will be along, but sure most will ask why are you with this man?

This isn't normal at all. Your affair with the colleague was a way to escape your husband. The constant thoughts keep your mind busy instead of worrying about DH or what will happen at home. You need to leave before the baby comes and you are even more vulnerable and trapped.

Your obsession with this collegue is absolutely a way to mentally escape the misery of your marriage.
What baffles me is why you stayed after you had your bit of fun, had your confession and opportunity to leave, but instead you grovelled and dug a big hole to dwell in.

This man is pounding you down into the ground. Never mind the collegue fantasy figure. What are you going to do about your very real and very awful marriage?

thank you for your replies; I really appreciate it.
I have stopped seeming what's acceptable or not, because I live with it. There was an occasion last year where I cooked a meal for him and 3 friends. We said goodbye at the end of the night and before I'd even turned around after closing the door he was yelling at me because the kitchen was a mess. I was in floods of tears washing up immediately and he paced up and down raging. Then of course I revert go disappearing upstairs to go and mope over the other guy - which is crazy because he didn't care about me either?! I think I just really wanted him to.
The reason I stayed after confession - I panicked. I didn't want our families to find out (this has been a huge driving force) due to the embarrassment and shame of what I have done - on paper its way 'worse' than being 'house-proud'...
I don't think I will leave in all honesty. What I think I need are copying strategies so I can stand up for myself. I've always been bad at this. And to got get the other guy...
Thank you again x

sorry *forget OM I mean! x

I'm afraid you're letting your guilty conscience trap you and that's playing into the hands of your abuser. Two wrongs dont make a right but, set against abuse which has you distressed, anxious and crushed, infidelity is not comparable. Would your family really be so unsupportive if you decided to end the marriage? Do others know the truth of his behaviour? Even if he comes across to others as a nice bloke (and his type often do) there will have been times when the mask slips.

Offering you ways to 'cope' would be like offering someone under attack by a fierce dog ways to cover up the bites. Please seek RL help and confide in someone you trust.

He is not 'house proud' he is an abusive bully. Please remember that

You know he will end up abusing your children like this, don't you? Not maybe now, but when they are bigger, more independent, with messy rooms and undone homework. Don't make this their lives. Plus your Dd is already being conditioned to believe this attitude to you is normal.

You are being abused. Don't let this become your childrens life too.

You likely think that about not leaving because of misplaced guilt and shame on your part. Your abusive H is the one at fault here; he is the one who has got you to the pitiful state of existence you are in today. You have indeed become conditioned to his abuse of you, he has done a right number on you and you're now growing flowers in the hole that he has dug for you.

Coping strategies will not cut it; living with this further will completely destroy you from the inside out. You need a divorce from this individual.

One day your children will leave home and asap given what is happening there too. They won't want to go home very often if at all. They will despise him but will look at you also. They will ask you outright why you put him before them. Do not give them such a childhood!.

This other man was a distraction to what is really going on in your marriage because your marriage is abusive and you know this treatment of you at your H's hands is wrong. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and your H will never ever give you what you so want and deserve.

Your parents and his family (who will likely side with him going forward as well) do not have to live with him; start talking to people and open up to others. Abuse thrives on secrecy. Womens Aid can and will help you here.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships because after all, they learn about relationships from the two of you. Would you want your DD to marry someone like her dad and have a marriage like yours?. No?. But what you are currently showing her is that all this is currently acceptable to you. Sound travels as well, your DD is likely hearing all his shouting at you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. This is no legacy to leave your children now.

thank you again. I feel a bit distressed now because of how far this has gone.We were on holiday a few weeks ago and on the first couple of days my sciatica was playing up on and off, one a couple of occasions I was struggling to walk and had tears in my eyes. He looked at me with contempt and said 'am I going to have to put up with this all holiday??'. And another day we walked up a large numbers of steps whilst visiting a temple. I was really proud of myself (being 5 months preg and in the humidity) but had to sit down when we got to the top, more because I felt queasy (someone got me a chair). Instead of saying well done for the achievement he looked at me and shook his head and said 'I think you should go to the gym more'. I felt so upset and cross it made me tearful. I tried to stick up for myself a little later but he just called me a twat and told me to f off.

Yes I am getting concerned about my little girl already. A couple of times in the last six months she's asked me why I'm crying / is it because daddy isn't kind to me?, and more worryingly, when he has goaded me a couple of times, she's echoed 'yeah mummy, don't leave your bag there...' etc. which makes me feel dreadful.

Thank you to the last poster too. My mum is afraid of my dad and always has been. She has never been able to stand up to him. I resent her because of it, ironically x

This is very normal.

FOR AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

You are so far into it, you need help quick. What do you know about abusive relationships? Have you read Lundy Bancroft?

Your 'affair' is a total red herring. Craving affection and love IS normal and you ain't ever getting that in your marriage. EVER. This is it now until you die.

This man wants to keep you deliberately trapped in the cage he has made for you, he thinks with two children you'll never be able to leave.

You went on to marry someone who is in many ways like your dad; that is what you were taught about relationships here. Your mother was also afraid of him just as you are afraid of your H now and I am not surprised that you resent her (are they still together?). You really do NOT want your DD going on to resent you for all too similar reasons because she will do so.

You and your children deserve a life free from his abuse; getting away from him will truly open your eyes. He's already got you ground down and your DD is already mimicking his words and actions, she is being emotionally abused by her dad. Look at what she has already learnt from being within this abusive environment.

You are not fully defeated because you posted here. You know his treatment of you is wrong on so many levels but staying at all within this will kill you and your children from the inside out.

Keep finding strength, you will continue to get support here and do talk to Womens Aid.

Please please please leave him. He will possibly get worse after birth of next DC.

You are not lazy, you are not a slob, you are being bullied by a selfish git.

Let me guess, your house looks like a showhome yet he is never happy about the "state" of it? He can leave his things where he wants to, but you can't?

This is no way to live OP. I know it. Your DD's toys can't be all over the floor can they?

Please put yourself and your DC first. I made the break because I didn't want DS growing up subject to the emotional abuse, neither did I want him subjecting anyone else to it.

I have a mug on the windowsill next to me which has been there for at least 10 mins. He has toys all over the place. We are relaxed.

I agree with the others, leave him.
he is turning your life to a nightmare, he is damaging you emotionally, he will make you ill. This situation is not good for your children either.
he is the cause of the affair you had and getting hurt there, too.
please leave him for the sake of your health and your children. It has gone on too long.
ringing women's aid is a very good idea.
best wishes. x.

My goodness,please leave this man.Dont worry about your families reactions,by the sound of it you have,or at least shouldn't have any respect for your own parents so why worry about what they think? You mention the big house,posh meals etc,none of these things mean anything if you aren't happy and safe in your own home.How will you feel if he starts on your daughter as well,will anything she does ever be good enough for him?please,please contact women's aid and start making a plan to get out of there.

It sounds like you are following the same path as your parents relationship. Is this really how you want your childrens relationships to be in the future? Please think seriously about leaving.

Ex H once gave DS the silent treatment. DS is not yet two and was prob around 16 months old. It was for some perceived wrongdoing which was probably entirely normal toddler behaviour. It was chilling, but at the time my brain was doing overtime trying to justify him treating DS the same way he treated me. Horrific. And bonkers.

You can be free and relaxed in your own mind and space OP.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Your H is not a great dad at all; women also write that when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. He is abusive to both you and his children. He thinks you are but mere possessions to use and abuse as he sees fit.

I bet the people on your holiday were looking at him and thinking 'the poor cow putting up with a nasty bastard like that'. If he thinks it's OK to behave like that in public, there will be others closer to home who know exactly what he is like. Moving house will advantage him and disadvantage you in that regard.

It's so sad that your child is already picking up on the abuse and even sadder that they are copying his treatment of you. You deserve better. Please talk to your family.

You know your DD will resent you for not protecting her, and not protecting yourself, from living with an abuser, right?

You don't need to re-live your mother's mistakes.

You are your own free agent, and you can do better.

You say you don't think you will leave. That is very sad to hear. Hopefully some day you will get to the point where you realise that you have to leave. And then, honestly, you will find that you are completely able to do all the things you need to do in order to leave:

• Get legal advice
• Gather information on yours and your husband's financial positions
• Find a place that you and DD can move to, or find a way to get H to leave the family home momentarily (e.g. telling him you need a breather)
• Instruct a solicitor to initiate the divorce proceedings
• Open your own bank account
• Obtain the benefits you are entitled to as a single parent
• Find a job when your youngest DC no longer needs you full time

ALL of this is stuff you are completely capable of doing. And there are people to help you, if you reach out to them: friends, Women's Aid, solicitors, police, etc.

You can do it.

I think there is no point in staying, you are already at that point when you are so fed up of each other, you are basically enduring each other presence.

He is horribly nagging and you are obsessed with another man. The relationship is over, you need to move on, it can only get worse.

Why are you staying? For the children? That is not a healthy environment for them to grow in, not at all. Afraid of being a lone parent? It is difficult, there is no doubt about it, but much easier and relaxing than living with a person you deeply resent. Honest.

Exactly as Goats says!

I was in a similar relationship for years, started way before MNet. It took me years to find the courage to leave but getting as much advice was the best step I took.

You need to leave.

I am now in my own home and much happier. If I can do it then so can you.

Good luck.

My marriage was like this but it took me 24 years to walk away. We won't get through to you if you are still in denial and trying to block out the reality.
Just read the sticky "Listen Up" thread at the top of the page and reflect on whether you are treated right. Then detach from the situation and watch as if you were an outsider. It will become clearer to you what is happening and how much crap you are tolerating.
There is a fantastic support thread for those in EA relationships which has been a bit quiet recently but is hugely helpful.

Take your time, and forgive yourself. You are doing your best, and that is all we can do really.