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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My abuser is almost certainly still abusing others. I need to report [Trigger warning]

39 replies

TtipParty · 16/01/2015 21:22

I was abused by a family member when I was very young. This individual is now close to pensionable age, has never had a relationship, and is close to my parents. I dread every christmas. I dread every time they say, 'oh, and x is coming too' when I arrange to see them. I despise the way he looks at my own dcs.

My life hasn't been entirely shit since, but I feel like it's been an uphill struggle to accomplish some things most people do with ease. I do feel I can boil a lot of my issues down to what he got away with 30 years ago, and the fact that my parents didn't protect me from him (i've only ever tried discussing this with them once, when I was trying to protect some younger children in the family from him, and it was never referred to again). They've continued to be close with him since.

A lot of my cousins have similar issues to me: very low self esteem, problems holding down jobs, problems forming and sustaining relationships, and sometimes I wonder whether they went through also something awful because of him. We're not close, we see each other once in a blue moon, but it's not something I could ever bring up even if we knew each other well.

I heard recently that this man is now travelling thousands of miles to visit some friends who moved abroad. They have children. To my disgust, the reason he is visiting them every few months is to babysit. I feel absolutely appalled. I want to phone up Interpol and have him tracked down. I feel like I need to post here first though, just to stop myself from feeling like i'm going mad.

OP posts:
ZammoMcGuire · 16/01/2015 21:23

Interpol isnt a 'thing' ,you would just phone the police..

Why dont you

MarjorieMelon · 16/01/2015 21:25

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I think you have to go to the police.

Branleuse · 16/01/2015 21:25

i think it would be honourable and helpful to others to open up about what happened to you and might help protect others, and if you feel ready to do so, youll have lots of support here xx

Original poster
TtipParty · 16/01/2015 21:26

thanks Zammo. that was supposed to be dark humour. that's how i cope with this shit.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 16/01/2015 21:27

If you truly believe that he is abusing others, you must tell the police. Just pick up the phone and call.

You might want to tell your parents that you have done this, but I would leave that until after you have spoken to someone officially and on the record.

Original poster
TtipParty · 16/01/2015 21:32

shovetheholly - well I can't think of any other explanation. I'm just struggling to get my head around it, because finding this out means all this shit i've been dragging around for decades is suddenly real again. i will call the police. I just can't do it this second because I can't think. That's why i'm posting here first, - to try and get my head around it.

OP posts:
chimichanga1976 · 16/01/2015 21:33

Ttip, yes you really should, as long as you feel able to. Do you have the support of others e.g partner, friends, who know what happened to you? Cos you will need people close to you who care, as dredging up all those memories and issues you've spent many years burying will be hard going to say the least.

Are you saying you alerted your parents to what he did to you and they did nothing? They didn't believe you? OMG, if so I am repulsed.

I hope you can help stop this sick and evil man who sounds utterly depraved. Be strong but get support for yourself too. XX

savemefromrickets · 16/01/2015 21:36

Perhaps the police have the contacts you need to get your head around it, in the meantime you can take heart that you can prevent others from suffering as you have.

Original poster
TtipParty · 16/01/2015 21:36

chimichange - sadly, no. I've had a dreadful year - relationship breakdown, and i'm feeling quite alone.

Yes, they did nothing. They basically said 'oh, well we won't leave x with him then, seeing as you've told us that' but that was maybe 15 years ago, and it's been business as usual since then as far as their relationship with him goes. par for the course with my parents, sadly.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 16/01/2015 21:41

Oh I am so, so sorry. You poor love, I didn't mean that message to sound like I didn't believe you. The last thing I ever want to do is doubt someone who has been through such a horrible experience. I worded it really badly and I apologise. What I should have said was: I realise that this means that you will have to go through an awful lot yourself with the police and with your family, and I feel terrible that you will have to do that - but if you feel in your heart of hearts that this is what is happening, you need to call.

Original poster
TtipParty · 16/01/2015 21:43

I know - there's still no 'tone of voice' app for these kind of forums.

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 16/01/2015 21:44

I once had to spend about a month at work trawling through child sexual abuse cases, it was harrowing, but one thing that really struck me was how often it was a close/trusted family friend, or member. It's how these people work. I hope you find the strength to report it, it might even give others the strength to do it too x

Joysmum · 16/01/2015 21:45

My skin is crawling and I'm feeling sick reading what you've written. It's everyone who never reported's worse nightmare. Sad

I know it's not going to be easy but if you could possibly speak up then do. It seems obvious to everyone but my god, it's so hard, I understand that Flowers

RandomMess · 16/01/2015 21:48

Hugs Flowers

Yes report, this is my dread that my abuser will abuse others Sad I keep a check as best I can.

ASAS · 16/01/2015 21:49

Do you understand that you can call the police for what he did to you at any point in your life? I know you are immediately concerned about other children just now, but you were a child once.

Keep posting if it helps Flowers

chimichanga1976 · 16/01/2015 21:58

Ttip, I feel so totally p!ssed off, on your behalf, with your parents! Talk about being let down.....

I'm not much practical help, as I've not been in a similar situation, but I couldn't just read and not respond.

I know there's a site for adult victims of child abuse, but I cannot think of the name, I'm sorry. But I'm hoping somebody more knowledgable will be along soon. I just thought they may be a good starting point, unless you feel ready to just go straight to the police, that is.

But if there's nobody close to you who can support you emotionally and practically, I think maybe start with a help line/support group specific to this problem.

This will be very difficult for you to do alone and they could provide guidance on historical abuse victims and will have a full understanding of what you're going through. Did you never seek any sort of help for yourself after the abuse? Counselling etc? This surely must have been a millstone around your neck all these years, and obv will have effected other areas of your life too.

You need to talk through what happened to you first and foremost maybe?

I wish you strength and you have my very best wishes for the upcoming ordeal, which you WILL succeed in.

XX

Original poster
TtipParty · 16/01/2015 21:59

Randommess - I'm really sorry this is bringing up similar issues for you too.

Joysmum - sorry, I know it's unpleasant to even think about. I'm wondering whether Crimestoppers would get me anywhere? As they allow you to report anonymously? Or am I being cowardly? I'm something of a black sheep in my family anway, and I fear being ostracised completely if this all comes out and they knew it was me who reported and worst of all, he may get away with the whole thing and look innocent. And it would be me just stirring up shit again. I know that's a horrible, selfish way to look at things, and I should be concentrating on preventing children from being abused by him, not thinking about myself.

OP posts:
minkGrundy · 16/01/2015 22:00

Well done op for posting about it.
Well done for deciding to do something about it.
It will be hard to take that first step, to dial that number but once you start it probably be easier than you think. The police are better these days. Tell them as much or as little as you like to start with.

We believe you. Flowers
They will believe you and they will investigate.

I wouldn't tell your parents unless it will help you doesn't sound like it they can find out when/if the police act.

Wpuld it help to run through how you might start the call with the police?
Or what else can we do to help?

Wishing you strength. You are brave.

RandomMess · 16/01/2015 22:02

| wish you the strength you need to report it. I'm sure lots of us here will be here to listen to you offload as & when you need to regardless of what the future holds.

minkGrundy · 16/01/2015 22:03

There's nothing wrong with thinking about yourself.

I think however you report the police have to keep your identity secret at least until court.

You could start by telling them you have concerns about xxxname in relation to y children and child sex offences.

You don't have to tell your family. And the police shouldn't tell them either.

minkGrundy · 16/01/2015 22:05

If you tell the police your concerns about how this will all pan out they can tell you what is likely to happen and then you can decide how to proceed.

bringbacksideburns · 16/01/2015 22:06

I really hope you can find some strength from deep within yourself to contact the Police and report this man.

He should not be anywhere near children.

Original poster
TtipParty · 16/01/2015 22:09

i just feel like screaming. i just don't know how anyone could look at the situation as i've described and think 'that's normal. 60 year old men who've never even had a girlfriend fly to x all the time to babysit their friends' kids'. I mean, surely anyone with half an eye on the news would think that was highly suspicious. I'm not saying that all men who meet his description are abusers, or that all abusers are like him, (of course they're not, that's what makes abuse so insidious) but it does fall into a stereotype which I'd think would raise alarm bells for most people.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/01/2015 22:26

I certainly think if you report then people will start putting 2+2 together, I think you'll discover some real life support from others quickly tbh.

chimichanga1976 · 16/01/2015 22:32

So he goes from the UK to a foreign country to BABYSIT??? Really? Why on earth would the "friends" not have their kids babysat by someone out there, FGS? It sounds very over the top don't you think?

The guy has form, as you, a previous victim, will attest to. So it's not like you've got unfounded suspicions of a weird, family friend. You've got experience of what he's capable of, and obv something about him doesn't sit right with you anyway.......i.e never had a relationship, flying to foreign countries to "babysit" etc.

Don't start to doubt yourself Ttip, cos you are not imagining this. Your gut instinct is telling you it's not right and that you need to intervene.

Possibly the fact your parents basically swept it under the carpet and carried on as if you'd never said a word, means you may be questioning your own judgement? They minimized his behaviour and ultimately, enabled him to, most likely, get away with more abuse.

It's a shame you're not closer to your cousins. You wouldn't just drop them a random email, letter, enquiring if there were any issues back in the day? I know this is a long - shot btw, but if you hardly see them can it really do any harm anyway? Your parents already know, afterall. And decided to do bugger all about it! Still cannot get my head around that actually : (

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