My abuser is almost certainly still abusing others. I need to report [Trigger warning]

[TtipParty]

I was abused by a family member when I was very young. This individual is now close to pensionable age, has never had a relationship, and is close to my parents. I dread every christmas. I dread every time they say, 'oh, and x is coming too' when I arrange to see them. I despise the way he looks at my own dcs.

My life hasn't been entirely shit since, but I feel like it's been an uphill struggle to accomplish some things most people do with ease. I do feel I can boil a lot of my issues down to what he got away with 30 years ago, and the fact that my parents didn't protect me from him (i've only ever tried discussing this with them once, when I was trying to protect some younger children in the family from him, and it was never referred to again). They've continued to be close with him since.

A lot of my cousins have similar issues to me: very low self esteem, problems holding down jobs, problems forming and sustaining relationships, and sometimes I wonder whether they went through also something awful because of him. We're not close, we see each other once in a blue moon, but it's not something I could ever bring up even if we knew each other well.

I heard recently that this man is now travelling thousands of miles to visit some friends who moved abroad. They have children. To my disgust, the reason he is visiting them every few months is to babysit. I feel absolutely appalled. I want to phone up Interpol and have him tracked down. I feel like I need to post here first though, just to stop myself from feeling like i'm going mad.

I know, chimi. it's utterly weird, even without the horrible backstory. I mean god knows we all struggle for childcare from time to time, but i can't imagine accepting an offer of help like that and not asking questions. - it sounds like he's made himself indispensable

Yes, my parents have making me doubt myself as their main goal, I feel, generally speakingl. It doesn't seem to matter what I achieve, they usually find a way to reduce it so much hot air. Too long winded to go into on this thread though.

My family is basically held together (triangulated?) by the 'elders' of which this guy is unfortunately one. So people of my generation don't really communicate with each other independently. I know that sounds weird. i'd like to change it, but i don't think this is the right topic for doing so.

I wouldn't advise reporting without some back up. I don't think I could have done it without a counsellor to talk through the emotions raised with.

napac.org.uk/ is a possible first step

I think, cos we are parents on here, it absolutely mystifies me how a mother would make that choice, to fail at protecting her child. Surely that is the most basic of all instincts, that normal parents should feel and demonstrate. What has happened to you, how your parents failed you ( and seemed to favour this horrid perv over their own daughter!!) just is utterly alien to me actually!

We put ourselves in your mother's position, when you were a child, and I know I would hit the bloody roof and actually DO SOMETHING, if my daughter had approached me telling me something of this nature. But how did she react? Jesus. Yes it doesn't help at all that you come from a highly dysfunctional family. As do I, just in a different way. We can never fathom how they think and why they do the things they do. They are a law unto themselves......

But that does not absolve them of their responsibilities as parents. If someone doesn't know right from wrong, in the most basic of examples like: should I protect my daughter from the perpetrator? or even, shall I believe my daughter when she tells me she's been sexually abused by a trusted friend?, then you have to ask them really and truthfully, Why are you even in my life when I clearly mean so little to you?

It really does suck big - time! We can psychoanalyse them until we're blue in the face, but the fact remains, some people should NEVER have children!

Pisses me off no end.

Yes, my parents have making me doubt myself as their main goal

I hear you about their role in making you feel less than your worth. And do, by all means, address that at some point.

But that's nearly-irrelevant for the purpose of this issue: just PLEASE do whatever you can to protect the children. If that means breaking with "pyramid" tradition to talk directly to the parents of the children, do it. Just. Do. It.

There is no shame or embarrassment or whatever that's a bigger issue than stopping future generations from going through what you had to deal with. Please look at the bigger, long-term picture. Please do whatever you can to make it stop now.

Parents can be damaged too. I don't think we know enough about OP's parents to judge.

I love my mother. In spite of the fact she was useless when I told her about my abuse (years after it happened when the perpetrator was no longer in our lives.)

Does it help me to believe she was awful? No it helped me more to understand that her own upbringing left her damaged. She was unable to cope with her own emotions when I told her. In fact she has no memory of me telling her the first time. I think it was some kind of post-traumatic effect - she wiped it from her memory.

We have no idea what went on for OPs parents. Their actions were bad but people are complex. They may be better parents in the future. My mother is a much better parent to me now she is happy and loved herself. I am glad she is my parent now,

OP, you have a lot to deal with emotionally. Are you getting support?

no, i've got no support at all at present.

You deserve some. Is something stopping you from asking for it?

Pedant - I get what you're saying, I really do, but being cattle-prodded into calling the police RIGHT NOW - sadly, my own young, sleeping children, who are pretty much entirely dependent on me have to have a mother who can cope with them in about 5 hours time when they wake up, and not someone who's in bits because she spent the night filing a report and crying.

sorry, meant to say my own young kids have to come first, as does my own sanity, which is tenuous at best these days

Can you do a one way anonymous tip off?

Talk to your local station. They were amazing when I was helping someone through historical abuse.

I think people are underestimating the effect reporting can have on you. It brought up emotions I'd spent years suppressing. It's not something I could have done without any preparation and without support afterwards.

Also I am a bit uneasy about posts which encourage OP to take on any responsibility or guilt for what the perpetrator does. Survivors already tend to feel shame and guilt that is not theirs.

OP, I think you need to take care of yourself before you can effectively take care of others. How would you feel about counselling? Have you ever had any?

phoning another organisation first when you are ready might help. Rape crisis perhaps so you can talk through it.

You are right to put your own immediate needs and those of your kids first.

Posted to soon.
It has taken a long time to get to this point. It may take a little more to be ready.
Do you feel in the longer term it will help to get it out there?

In the meantime if you cannot face police then do you have anyway of contacting the family involved anonymously. Just saying something like xxxxname is not to be trusted around children. It might make them more vigilant and then they may realise there is something not right with him.