Deciding if someone is right for you?

[StickyDots]

On the back of the 'the one' thread, I've never really had that kind of lightening bolt moment with any of the men I've had relationships with, but they've all turned out to be EA anyway. I'm not sure if I believe in 'the one' but it's made me think - should I be more sure at the start or can you have a successful relationship with someone who grows on you over time?

I'm in a relatively new relationship now. On paper he is more or less everything I am looking for in a man - kind, sensitive, intelligent, funny, treats me well and more importantly like an equal, is domesticated, etc.

There are a couple of things that worry me though. He seems a little insecure at times and things have moved much faster than I anticipated. Sometimes he's a little 'laddish' around other men and his parenting style is different to my own. He's also got a hobby that I'm kind of opposed to. Not massively opposed to but really I don't like the thought of it (think hunting type thing). It's a big part of his life and so whilst I'm happy to humour him now, I worry it will get tiring very quickly (he likes to talk about it often).

The other thing is related to how ready I am to have a committed relationship. He's made it clear he would like marriage and children and soon but I'm not sure I'd like those things as soon as he does. Or perhaps it's that I'm not sure I want those things with him. I'm finding it hard to tell which it is. We've talked about him moving in which I'm mostly excited about but every now and then, I feel resentful that I'll have to make space for him and things will have to change. Again I'm not sure if that's normal when moving a relationship to the next level or if it's that I'm not yet ready or if it's just that he's not right.

As you can probably tell, I'm feeling quite confused. I do have very strong feelings for him and as I say, he's a really great guy who treats me well. I Don't want to lose what could potentially be a very happy relationship but equally I don't want to string him along if it turns out he's not right for me. Are these doubts normal?

So I guess what I'm really asking is, how do you know when you've met the right person for you? And at what point do you decide to end it if you decide they aren't right long term?

I would re-read what you have written. Why are you even considering moving in with this guy?
How long have you been with him?
Tons of red flags here. In what way are your parenting styles different?

I think you're over thinking it.

Either you can like someone enough that their foibles can be overlooked or you don't.

Pretending that they don't annoy you isn't fair on you or them.

Personally, I could deal with different parenting techniques or hobbies that I am not hugely on board with. '"Laddish' behaviour would drive me barmy...

Everyone has their breaking points for different things- you owe it to yourself to decide what yours actually are. You sound quite unsure.

I'm considering moving in with him because we get on well and it seems like the next logical progression of our relationship. We've been together 6 months so far and we're talking about living together at the one year mark.

Our parenting style differs in that he is much stricter than I am. He's a good father from what I've seen, very active and involved with his DC, it's just that I worry we will clash over this should we eventually have DC of our own or even if we live together. Having said that, we're both quite good at communication and he is always ready to listen my concerns and is actually quite perceptive when he can see I'm having doubts.

It's interesting you mention red flags. What are those? I obviously haven't gone into great detail but he's treating me very well so far and we get on well and have a lot of fun together. It's just the thought of the future and becoming properly commited (moving in, marriage, kids) that's making me reevaluate if he's the right guy for me. I suppose I'm at the stage where I'm considering if this relationship has legs or not. In past relationships, I've often just gone along with what my partner at the time wants and stuck around when I definitely shouldn't have, so I'm trying to be more proactive this time. Except I can't tell if I've got legitimate concerns or just normal cold feet/niggles that perhaps everyone experiences even where the relationship was good and healthy iyswim.

Maybe you're right mrs and I am overthinking things. It's just that I've now been in LTRs with three abisive men and I'm keen not to repeat the pattern, especially as I have DC to consider.

I do love him, foibles and all, at the moment I feel like I can overlook this particular hobby and I'm even able to (on the face of it) show an interest whilst at the same time being honest that's it's not really my thing. I just worry I might get sick to death of him telling me about it all the time which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't in a way opposed to it.

He's only a little bit 'laddish' when around other men. My XH was very laddish and blokey so I know this is a deal breaker for me but BF is nothing on this scale. I was surprised when I first witnessed this kind of behaviour because he's so different around me - very sensitive and open with his feelings, I just wasn't expecting him to be like that. I guess it's just the way he relates to men, he still treats me exactly the same in front of other people, both men and women.

I read something today that said you should make 3 columns. In column A put all his good points, in column B put all the things that are a bit of a problem, but you can live with them, in column C put anything that's a deal breaker.

Then cross out the first two columns. If there is anything in the last column, you are not suited and you should split up!

Basically you can't change a person, you can only change how you react to them, so if there is anything that you can't live with, don't waste your time.

If he recognises it as a problem and is willing to fix it, then perhaps it has a chance, but if he loves his hobby and has no intention of giving it up, you will find that it gets worse, not better. Is this hobby a column B or a column C thing?

There are plenty of good practical reasons why you might not want to move in together and have DCs so I wouldn't necessarily say that those things are a warning, you may be well suited, but just not ready yet. However, if there is anything at all that you want to change about him, you will spend your whole life fighting it.

If he treats you nicely and you love him then I don't see the problem...

I do think moving in together after 6 months is a bit early. It certainly wouldn't be the logical progression for me unless you were both under financial strain.

Depending on the age of your kids, assuming he already knows them, I'd be looking to book a nice holiday for you all. Maybe a couple of nice long weekend breaks for you both as well.

You know yourself, spending 100% of your time with somebody for 7 days can be a real eye opener.

Oh, and anything in the B column, you have to be able to put up and shut up, not spend your life moaning about it or wishing he didn't do it. He does, it's part of who he is, so you have to let it go.

Good plan Mrs, a holiday with kids is the perfect way to see someone's true colours!

Is he a terrier man or something really unpleasant?

That's interesting Amy, there is nothing that I want to change about him. He's actualky the first Man I've ever been with where I can genuinely say that. There are things that I find irritating, yes, but not enough that I wouldn't want to be with him over. I guess I'm just trying to imagine a future with him. I don't want, nor would I expect to stop him doing this hobby - my issue is that he'll still be taking about it this much in years to come. He's also trying to get me to take it up so we can do it together. Maybe it's just a case of being more honest about the fact that I don't want to hear about it as much as he likes to tell me about it.

mrs, we're just at the talking stage at the moment - the plan is to live together at the one year mark. There are financial considerations though (his housing situation is difficult following his divorce as his ex has their house). We have a holiday planned for in a few months time and we also spent over a week together solidly over xmas and it was really good, I was a bit gutted when we both had to go back to work.

The other issues we've got are around blending our families. The DC have met him and each other. They mostly get on well but there have been a few normal children bickering going on. It's definyeky much tougher when we've got all our children together. My DC really like him though, which us a good start. I'm just worrying about it all.

Bearing in mind that it took me getting on for 10 years to move in together with now DH, my approach may well be different to yours. I expect lots of people will be along soon to say they moved in together almost immediately.

I can really see no reason to rush into any relationships. The more entwined you get, the more difficult it is to undo it all. Having a slow start means that you can get to know someone while remaining relatively objective. If you often find yourself in difficult relationships, then Id really encourage you to take it slowly and get to know someone before there is much at stake for you. Think of it as an extended interview.

And do please find the thread on 'red flags'. It popped up recently and was really, really useful. Of course, I would say that , wouldn't I. Hope you find what works for you,

Random, I don't want to say what it is because I'm worried I'll put myself but it's something along those lines, something I find a bit hard to understand and a little bit unpleasant.

I'd be happy to leave him to this hobby, and I wouldn't even complain or moan about it, on the condition that he doesn't talk about it so much. Is it reasonable of me to ask that he talks about it a bit less given my feelings on it?

Thank you Finally. Re the timing thing, he wants another DC, he was upfront about that from the moment we met and given our ages, it's not something we'll be able to leave more than a few years at most. I suppose we need to see if we can live together before making that ultimate commitment.

Jeez. I'm surprised people think you're over thinking. You've got a long list of incompatibilities. You have to compromise in relationships but I think things may end up with more than the odd/healthy amount of compromise here.

Well, unpleasant, cruel hobbies would be a red flag for me. It's a good illustration of someone's personality.

Do you think so badgers? It doesn't feel like that in reality. It's difficult to give a balanced view of a relationship in a small amount of writing and I obviously haven't gone into that much detail about where I think we are compatible. It's also very one sided - he's certainly going to have to make compromises for me too but so far he seems to able to do that and recognises that compromise is essential. I do take your comment on board though and will think more about whether that is indeed the case.

I agree Random, I nearly called off our first date due to this hobby but I decided to give him a chance as he seemed so lovely in other respects. I would say his personality sits at odds with this hobby.

Hi need some help to get my head clear and think straight.

I have 2 children from previous marriage and my partner has none and also never had a relationship before me. We were friends first and he cut me out his life a couple of times as friends which hurt but we had a connection and it grew and then VERY gradually became a couple. After about a year he started to become involved in my Sons lives as well and presently we are a little family of four. He doesn't live with me but is round 5 days a week and all weekends.

The problem is that recently we have started bickering but over fairly major stuff and I am now starting to withdraw from him which creates a vicious circle. He is pretty selfish and sometimes very quick to snap and when his fuse goes he can be cutting and mean do I then get upset as my ex husband was very verbally abusive and this just reminds me of him. He is also very judgemental towards my parenting and my children as people without children tend to be but I find this offensive as its not done in a constructive way, more scathing. One of my Son's is struggling greatly with me and his father splitting up so is often very challenging so this creates conflict. I am nearly 6yrs older and turn 40 soon whereas he is only 34 so the way I see it he will up and leave and find a childless, younger girl so I withdraw to protect myself. This makes him say I am not loving enough or don't say enough nice things which makes it even harder as I then feel resentful. I can be quite jealous as he does still have a "laddish" mentality about going out and getting drunk which I grew out of. I now feel numb, don't enjoy him coming round and when he does I'm very off with him. Our love life is suffering and used to be great. I need advice in whether that all sounds fixable or whether it sounds like I don't love him or if it sounds doomed. Or how to get out of this numbness I'm feeling towards him.. Thanks

patch123, you really need to start your own thread.

Without knowing what his hobby is, it's hard to comment on it. Only you can know if it's a deal breaker or not. However it's still early days, trust your judgement and take as long as you need.

Just to add, I've read lots on red flags and the only one that's he comes close to is moving things too quickly. But he says he hadn't intended for that to happen, it's just that he feels I am 'the one'. I guess he would though.

My thoughts: there's no race to move in together.

You need to be perfectly upfront about why his hobby isn't for you and that you won't be joining him in it and really don't want to hear about it.

Reminds me of my teens when I was a veggie and my boyfriend landed a job as a trainee butcher.

OP saying he thinks you're 'the one' and pressurising you to move in and have dc with him is moving too quickly. 6 months is early even to have introduced the dcs. He has a potentially cruel streak evidenced by the hobby. He's stricter with his own dcs than you would like. How do you think he will be with your dcs once you're all living together and have another one with him? You've really got to put your dcs first here.

You sound like you're not in control of when you're moving in together or spelling out to him your views about his hobby.

I know this all sounds negative but I wouldn't be even considering moving in with him at this point tbh. I think all your doubts 6 months in speak volumes (although it's great that you're carefully trying to assess his character rather than rushing in) What do you want - for instance how keen are you to have more dc anyway? What about your dcs, they may like him now but it doesn't mean they have to live with him. I'd really slow things down here tbh.

patch if you copy and paste your post and then start your own thread you will get advice just for you there

Is it reasonable of me to ask that he talks about it a bit less given my feelings on it?

You are seriously asking this question? It makes me think you don't talk to him about certain things very openly. Are you self-editing because you are worried that he might not like it if you criticised his hobby?

I don't think any relationship can work unless you are ready to be yourself with the other person. And if you have uncomfortable feelings about his hobby, and can't talk openly with him, you need to be single for a bit.