Deciding if someone is right for you?

[StickyDots]

On the back of the 'the one' thread, I've never really had that kind of lightening bolt moment with any of the men I've had relationships with, but they've all turned out to be EA anyway. I'm not sure if I believe in 'the one' but it's made me think - should I be more sure at the start or can you have a successful relationship with someone who grows on you over time?

I'm in a relatively new relationship now. On paper he is more or less everything I am looking for in a man - kind, sensitive, intelligent, funny, treats me well and more importantly like an equal, is domesticated, etc.

There are a couple of things that worry me though. He seems a little insecure at times and things have moved much faster than I anticipated. Sometimes he's a little 'laddish' around other men and his parenting style is different to my own. He's also got a hobby that I'm kind of opposed to. Not massively opposed to but really I don't like the thought of it (think hunting type thing). It's a big part of his life and so whilst I'm happy to humour him now, I worry it will get tiring very quickly (he likes to talk about it often).

The other thing is related to how ready I am to have a committed relationship. He's made it clear he would like marriage and children and soon but I'm not sure I'd like those things as soon as he does. Or perhaps it's that I'm not sure I want those things with him. I'm finding it hard to tell which it is. We've talked about him moving in which I'm mostly excited about but every now and then, I feel resentful that I'll have to make space for him and things will have to change. Again I'm not sure if that's normal when moving a relationship to the next level or if it's that I'm not yet ready or if it's just that he's not right.

As you can probably tell, I'm feeling quite confused. I do have very strong feelings for him and as I say, he's a really great guy who treats me well. I Don't want to lose what could potentially be a very happy relationship but equally I don't want to string him along if it turns out he's not right for me. Are these doubts normal?

So I guess what I'm really asking is, how do you know when you've met the right person for you? And at what point do you decide to end it if you decide they aren't right long term?

You've posted about this man only recently. You're still being rushed against your better judgement and, if you have a history of abusive relationships, this is not the way to break the cycle.

You're probably right Guy. I don't want to insult him over this hobby because it's so important to him.

I am a people pleaser by nature so I'm like this with everyone. I suppose we're just getting to the point where the 'best face forward' is slipping a bit and we're revealing who we really are and being a bit more forthcoming over our respective faults.

Ok, I suppos I'm going to have to say what the hobby is - it's boxing. He likes watching it and trains it. He's asked me to watch him when he has matches. But, I abhore violence in any form and whilst I get that it's a skilled sport, I really don't like the idea of people punching each other for fun. He's very anti-violence outside of the ring though and especially against women.

I can imagine the impression I'm giving of him but I can't stress enough that he is a really lovely guy, very intelligent and treats me very well.

Cogito, I posted about him yesterday over the issue of things being rushed. I haven't yet talked to him about that, although I plan to. I started this new thread because it occurred to me that the issue is also that I'm trying to decide if he's right for me (rushing things aside).

It's all the same thing, He is all of his behaviours. You can't divorce one part from the rest. Huge mistake to soldier on with someone on the strength of 'he's a nice guy but..... ' Rushing things means he's not right for you because he's not taking you seriously.

You see it as people pleasing but a lot of people don't see it that way. If you can't talk about what you want as a person then people never really get to know you. You'll find yourself in situations you're not happy with and your life won't be fulfilling and nobody will know why. Then when they find out later that you haven't been happy all along they can feel guilty, sad, and angry.

Honesty is the best policy.

Thanks Cogito, I do agree with you. In fairness to him though, I don't think he understands how I feel about him rushing it. He'll say he's worried I'm going to break up with him because of how fast things are moving so I'll reassure him and say I'm happy with the pace when im possibly not. Sometimes I don't know myself - some days Im happy with how things are, others I feel worried about it. It's actually something we've talked about a lot but I'm always quick to reassure him because I'm such a people pleaser and I don't want to hurt him. Those are my issues rather than his though. He's actually picked up on this as well saying that he's concerned that it's him doing all the relationship directing and I'm just going along with it. Again I reassure him that that isn't the case when actually he's bang on the money! I really love the fact that he's so emotionally intelligent in this way - I just need to find a way I can be honest (I think it's partly a hangover from my abused past where I constantly walked on eggshells when actually I believe his reaction wouldn't be anything I should fear or worry about, unlike with my exes).

Joysmum, what do you do when you don't know what you really want or you're indifferent? I often feel like other people have a stronger feeling on whatever the issue is and so their opinion takes precedent. So for example, he likes boxing more than I dislike it so I'm kind of happy to listen to him talk about it and show me videos/watch it on TV when that wouldn't be my first choice iyswim. Maybe I'm just far too laid back, or maybe I'm really messed up! Who knows .

Sticky dots, it strikes me that you are being really honest with yourself here on this thread. Which is great. You are recognising patterns. Well done. There is more work to be done though if you want to be free from these patterns in the long run, and finding the strength to be honest with your man, finding out his response to your honesty, might just give you the eureka moment that you feel is missing.

Perhaps you don't have the confidence to really hold any opinions because that has been undermined in ea relationships.

You do have an opinion about boxing, but you won't allow it space to become a problem In Your relationship. Because your relationship is more important than your opinions.

Boxing! That's alright, loads of men like boxing. It's not a cruel hobby at all. Not my cup of tea, but it's quite normal. I know you don't approve, but a lot of men use it for keeping fit and self discipline. Liking boxing doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad man at all.
I thought it was going to be something like badger baiting .

Random, the issue is not whether we on mn approve of boxing as a man's hobby, it's that the op doesn't like it, and is struggling to express her opinion about it to her man, and feel that her opinions in general are important.

Yes, I appreciate that.

Sticky, you just don't sound convinced - in fact, you sound like you're trying to convince yourself to stay in this relationship. That seems a pretty big sign that it's just not working out for you. And that's really ok. A man does not have to be an ax-wielding murderer for you to bow out. "I'm just not feeling it" is reason enough.

Hi OP, it sounds a bit like you're settling. There's so many negatives in your post and then to read you've only been together for 6 months! No, at this stage this many doubts are not usual for relationships that end in happily ever after. You should still be in the loved up, see no wrong honeymoon stage. All this rushing for a baby because of your ages makes me think you see this as a last chance type thing.
The biggest issue I see is your different parenting styles, especially when all your children are living together. How are they all going to be equal if they have different rules?

Are his children also into boxing? If you had a child together and it wanted to follow in daddy's footsteps, how would that go?

You're far too unsure to be even considering moving in after only 6 months, particularly as there children involved.

You don't sound particularly compatible and it may that in another 6 months and you'll decide he's not for you. (In fact I'd put money on it).

It's fine to say it's not your thing and you have no interest in making it part of your life.

You said you really don't like the thought of it and fear it'll soon get too tiring as he talks about it a lot. He needs to know.

In my relationship I'm into horses and he's into tech. Neither of us have the complication of not liking the thought of the hobbies of the other, nor do we liken them to hunting in our own minds! Even so, we know the only interest each other has in our loves is that it makes us happy. Therefore we don't go into detail and try not to go on about too much. We have likeminded friends and forums for that.

If you don't let him know, he will go on too much and will expect you to get involved in that side of his life. You can be honest now, when it's easier, or later when he's built up in his own mind that you be with him in his boxing and feel more let down after the fantasy has built.