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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SIL hates my Mum and has a reason

33 replies

buzzy1 · 15/01/2015 23:14

Long story-DB has my mum's email account stored on his phone and I gather she knew about this as he sometimes helps with her online banking. SIL was using DB's phone and snooped on DM's email and read a recent one which basically said she hated SIL and her family and that DB marrying her was a curse. DM is a toxic mil and has been awful towards her, she hasn't liked her from day one and is openly critical. I've always stayed neutral and got on with SIL and pull DM up on her behaviour when I witness it.
SIL is furious about email and so is DB . its like the last straw..she wants NC with DM which is understandable but equally she was in the wrong for snooping. DB told me he doesn't want DM to know she saw the email but that SIL wants nothing to do with her now. I don't want to take sides but I'm so angry with DM for messing up the relationship. I don't know whether she needs to be told that her email is the cause..so confused :(

OP posts:
GloopySoupy · 15/01/2015 23:22

but equally she was in the wrong for snooping
Oh, OK then, she snooped when suspicious, so she should put up with being treated badly, you know, because she isn't perfect? Do you think maybe you've been conditioned by your DM?

I don't know whether she needs to be told that her email is the cause..so confused
It has absolutely nothing to do with you. DB and SIL are quite rightly standing up for themselves. Good on them. Besides her email is not the cause. It is a symptom. Her long term toxic behaviour is the cause. And that's not going to change is it?

Why aren't you NC?

Why are you agonising as if you should fix this problem somehow? Are you a winged monkey?

SukieTuesday · 15/01/2015 23:22

I really wouldn't get involved. You say your mother 'has been awful towards her, she hasn't liked her from day one and is openly critical. What could you say to your mother that would help the situation? It's not like this was an email written in a rage. It sounds like a true reflection of her feelings.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 23:23

It's that old aaying about eavesdroppers.... they never hear good of themselves. Your DM is not obliged to like her DIL. She's also entitled not to have her emails hacked. I don't think you should keep quiet to protect anyone.

CrazyBaubles · 15/01/2015 23:25

I think that you're over invested in what happens. You admit your DM Is horrible to your SIL - Your DB should have already stepped up and put a stop to that. If his wife has decided She isn't putting up with it anymore then good for her. To be honest it's just a shame that your DB isn't willing to tell your DM that SIL is upset and explain exactly why.
Maybe your SIL shouldn't have snooped, but what is your DM trying to achieve with her email? Who was she sending that vile message to?
If you're going to be involved at all, defend SIL, let your DM know that she's being bloody horrible and tell your DB to look after his wife.

SukieTuesday · 15/01/2015 23:25

Hardly hacked Hmm.

If you're an arsehole to someone then they have every right to go no contact. It sounds like your mother had done quite enough to deserve this already.

GloopySoupy · 15/01/2015 23:27

That came across as a bit harsh. Sorry.

My DM is toxic. I find your confusion worrying. Like you are still deep in the FOG.

There is nothing to be confused about here. DM has been repeatedly horrid. SIL has had enough. DB ranks his wife higher than his DM. DM hasn't changed despite being pulled up on her behaviour. There is only one right course of action.

I rather suspect you have an awful lot more to be angry with your DM about than just messing up her relationship with SIL.

Are you married?

Joysmum · 15/01/2015 23:46

So your SUL goes no contact, nobody needs disclose why. It's enough to not want to put up with the dislike and disapproval.

Ohfourfoxache · 15/01/2015 23:52

Don't say anything about the email - it's not your place and, even though you have the best of intentions, you don't want to be seen as shit stirring.

Iiwy I'd make sure to stay in contact with DB and SIL regardless of what happens (that is assuming you get on with them?) Have a relationship with hem that is away from your mother,

If your mother brings it up with you, you could either refuse to engage, or simply say "you have brought this all on yourself - keep me out of it". But make it very clear that your relationship with DB and sil has fuck all to do with her.

I feel really sorry for your sil tbh, but she is lucky to have a member of her husband's family who can see the truth of the situation.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2015 23:55

It sounds to me as if the email is surplus to requirements and that your SiL already has sufficient reason to go NC with your mother based on her behaviour alone.

Stay out of it. This is between your DB, SiL, and your mother. The only thing you should do is defend your SiL's decision if she does go NC as you've witnessed your mother's behaviour towards her first hand.

Isetan · 16/01/2015 06:31

The email is just written confirmation of opinions that you have all wittnessed being expressed and SIL is entitled to go NC with your mother. I'm not sure what your dillemma is, as you're not responsible for your mother's behaviour and are not required to defend or protect her, or any other adult from her behaviour.

Vivacia · 16/01/2015 07:01

I read this really differently.

Two women don't get on. One read the other's private emails.

I think your sister-in-law lost the moral highground there. Your mum could be another forum talking about her toxic daughter-in-law who reads her emails.

I'd be thinking about any private stuff I may have emailed my mum about and presume that my brother and his wife also know about it.

Meerka · 16/01/2015 08:06

She read the mails which isn't nice, but what's done is done. You also say that MIL has hated her from day one and been very unpleasant. You could also argue that if MIL'd had had the sense to keep her mouth shut, there'd have been nothing to get upset about. People who bitch nastily behind someone's back can't complain when ... you know ... it gets back to them. it always does in the end, one way or another. This rupture might have been coming a very long time.

The turning point's come now though and there isn't a way back from this, or shouldn't be. Some things can't be unsaid or undone.

It puts you in a difficult position but the best you can do is to keep out of it as others have said. You can't ask SIL or DB to re-establish friendly contact. It would be at the price of their self-respect and all decent treatment.

If your mother talks to you about them then the only decent thing you can do is to keep quiet and not get involved. "I'm not sure what they're up to, I think they're ok". "oh Mum, please lets not talk about them". "that's between you and them, please leave me out of it". Do not tolerate her bad-mouthing them.

Are you slightly frightened of your mother? (genuine question).

Clobbered · 16/01/2015 08:12

Are you worried the nasty treatment from DM will turn on you if SIL/DB go NC?

kaykayred · 16/01/2015 08:30

I think people have a right to privacy in their e-mails, unless there is some sort of betrayal involved.

Airing your views about someone you don't like is private, and your sister in law was absolutely 100% in the wrong for being so rude as to read your DM's e-mails, which was private correspondence. People are often much ruder, and harsher in e-mails than they actually would be in real life (and often exaggerate) because you're either in a bad mood, or - hey, I don't know - it's your private correspondence and you don't expect third parties to go sticking their nose in?? Your DM has done nothing other than send a private e-mail. She might not have treated your SIL very well beforehand, but apparently your SIL was still happy enough to pursue a relationship, albeit a slightly strained one.

Your SIL is the one who has kicked the hornet's nest. There was nothing to gain from being such a nosey fucker to begin with.

Frankly I think they are both in the wrong, but your SIL more so.

I certainly hope that your BIL has deleted your mother's e-mail from his phone.

Holdthepage · 16/01/2015 08:39

I can't understand all the need for secrecy any more. Your DM needs to know her emails are not private & then she can take steps to change her passwords. She also needs to know that her spiteful comments are now going to cause her to lose contact with her son & his family.

Isetan · 16/01/2015 08:55

I can see how your mother's hostility to your SIL makes you very uncomfortable but you have done everything you can do, which is to pull your mother up on her poor behaviour when you witness it.

Your mothers behaviour and the fall out from your SIL's invasion of your mother's privacy, is not your responsibility. Getting anxious over their relationship will not change anything because you can not be responsible for something you have no control over.

Original poster
buzzy1 · 16/01/2015 09:17

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's given me a lot to think about..

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 16/01/2015 10:42

Who was this email addressed to? If it was to your brother, I certainly hope he is going to stand up for his wife and let his mother know that this is not on, and that he has SIL's back!

But whether he does or not, this has nothing to do with you, as others have said. Keep pulling anyone up on any overt nastiness that you witness, of course, but leave it at that.

starfishmummy · 16/01/2015 10:45

This is not your argument. Stay out of it.

Joysmum · 16/01/2015 11:00

It doesn't matter who's more wrong!

Point is the 2 women don't get on and have every right not to be in contact.

People don't all have to like each other going on the scenario above, your mum was right to have a dislike of somebody who is capable of that.

You're best off out and if asked, you can just say there's a clash of personalities and whilst this isn't nice, it's common in life and you're not getting involved.

JustSpeakSense · 16/01/2015 11:22

I think your mother should know her emails are being read by SIL, they will go NC and continue to check her emails, which is unfair and probably cause SIL further hurt.

Twinklestein · 16/01/2015 11:27

Presumably SIL read the emails to see if MIL was as ghastly behind her back as to her face. Turns out she is.

Your mother is so much in the wrong that SIL's snooping pales into comparison, and, anyway, is none of your business.

If SIL & B want to go NC, that's up to them.

Stay out of it.

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 16/01/2015 11:37

I can't get past the fact that your brother does your mother's internet banking and has her emails on his phone! This is a recipe for disaster.

notonyourninny · 16/01/2015 11:40

Stay out of it. I don't tjink your sil was wrong to snoop btw.

LineRunner · 16/01/2015 11:52

I didn't think an email account was the same as an online bank account at all.