SIL hates my Mum and has a reason

[buzzy1]

Long story-DB has my mum's email account stored on his phone and I gather she knew about this as he sometimes helps with her online banking. SIL was using DB's phone and snooped on DM's email and read a recent one which basically said she hated SIL and her family and that DB marrying her was a curse. DM is a toxic mil and has been awful towards her, she hasn't liked her from day one and is openly critical. I've always stayed neutral and got on with SIL and pull DM up on her behaviour when I witness it.
SIL is furious about email and so is DB . its like the last straw..she wants NC with DM which is understandable but equally she was in the wrong for snooping. DB told me he doesn't want DM to know she saw the email but that SIL wants nothing to do with her now. I don't want to take sides but I'm so angry with DM for messing up the relationship. I don't know whether she needs to be told that her email is the cause..so confused :(

I think you should stay out of it with one exception. Your SIL has every reason to go NC with your DM, so fine, respect that, I'm sure your DM will know the reasons, but you should tell your DB to delete his access to DM's email and internet banking. SIL shouldn't have looked at those emails in the first place, but she certainly has no further reason to read any further.

Like most of you have said I'll just stay out of it . The email was to her brother/my uncle. Don't really know why DB needed her email on his phone, I don't know if DM knew he would look at either unless she asked him to. All I know is that she sometimes got him to do stuff say like online checkin for a flight and other misc stuff which meant he had to log into her email account now and again.

DM needs to know that her emails are not private but please leave this to DB.

I bet SIL snooped because she guessed there might be something of that sort lurking. Listeners never hear good of themselves and likewise prying in other people's emails is asking for trouble.

SIL has put up with a hostile MIL for x years and finally has a reason to go n/c.

You feel annoyed with DM and no doubt concerned for DB but stay out of this.

DM needs to know that her emails are unacceptable. There's no reason why DB can't show his wife his mother's emails, so SIL could have seen them anyway. He should never have let his mother get away with talking about his wife like that to him. That's all for him to sort out.

I second those saying that this is a decision between your SIL and your DM. It sounds like you have done a frankly amazing job of staying neutral in their relationship until now, and I think you should keep that up as far as possible.

When your SIL slags off your DM, try to agree but to make some excuses to soften it. When your DM does the same about your SIL, try to suggest alternative perspectives, without rowing with her. Make it clear to both that you are there for both of them and think that this is a regrettable situation. Accept SIL's decision to NC for a while - it may be the only way of repairing things in the longer run, and it sounds as though a cooling-off period is needed.

Reading between the lines (and possibly reading too much in), it sounds as though you are compensating rather a lot for your slightly rubbish DB. What is he thinking, receiving emails abusing his wife from DM? He should have made it abundantly plain that his first loyalty is to his wife, and that he wouldn't tolerate any kind of abuse of her in any form. He needs to be honest about the fact that SIL saw it with your DM, and deal with the consequences - NOT to expect you to do this on his behalf.

Disaster waiting to happen really.

Stay out of it op, but be a listening ear if any of them want to speak 2 u about it.

Sorry I missed your last post OP, so didn't see the emails were to your uncle not your brother.

I have the login to both my parents' email addresses purely due to senior citizen issues with the net etc. I'd think it's not uncommon. Technically I could snoop if I wanted.

Occasionally, my Mum calls my 2 SIL' S to me. My answer is always something along the lines of,
"Don't call xxx x to me Mum, as far as I'm concerned she deserves the George Cross for marrying either lurvely brother."
I don't get involved & let my own Mum know that I won't ever call either of my SIL' s, especially after the treatment I've received from my MIL.
So, yes, stay out of it, but let your Mum know that she's not to call SIL to you.