having a relationship...with yourself

[dontcallnotdating]

I have online dated on and off for 18 months, since my marriage ended. Had two short and disastrous relationships, which shattered my self esteem and left me struggling to understand what was wrong with me. I tried to please these men, but in the process, I lost sight of who I was.

I started taking anti depressants, despite thinking there was no point, they wouldn't work, I was just useless. I had counselling - every week (and am still going). I was still up and down. It didn't help at first.

I was still feeling as if I needed a man to rescue me and that if only I could find one, I'd be valuable at last. I'd be happy. I'd be complete. I couldn't just sit with who I was, if that makes sense. I was online, answering men's messages, waiting for one of them to find me pleasing, to validate me. On dates, I drank too much to mask my unease. I hated myself afterwards. I felt cheap.

Then, suddenly - it was like the clouds cleared. I stopped drinking. Gave the anti depressants a chance to work. Then I realised that I already had the ingredients of happiness. Beautiful children. A lovely cat. Fish and chips on a Friday night. Friends. Small pleasures. I realised how low I'd been and that actually, I'd been looking to something external to fix the void inside myself.

No one can be responsible for your happiness. There's a beautiful freedom in recognising that you have what you need, all on your own.

That's all. Just wanted to share that. Start by having a relationship with yourself, first and foremost.

Fantastic post. Thank you and well done!

Good on you! Did the antidepressants help you to see that, or was it just like an epiphany?

what a lovely post. That is so right and a wonderful realisation. Go you!

Not that you need a man, as you say, but you may end up meeting one now you're feeling more content. Probably a much better one too, there's nowt like desperation (and the rebound) to attract the dregs.

I think the anti depressants lifted me enough to be able to work on myself. Without them I wouldn't have had the energy to process my feelings. But they were only 50% of it, the rest I think I did myself. I just talked and talked and unravelled what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I'd never really believed I could be happy before. I'd never actually been happy, if I'm honest. I was clinging to men like they were my lifeboat and I was drowning.

Well done. I have come to this conclusion as well. After watching my stbx lurch from relationship to relationship, trying to recapture some "happiness" in someone else, I realise that I am happy with my life, although I am working on balancing it a bit better here and there.

I've always maintained that IMO you cannot have a good relationship with someone else unless you recognise happiness in yourself first. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with someone else.

Although I don't want a cat. See? I can also recognise my limitations. I don't need it ALL. I'm happy with what I have.

Well done on finally loving your own self for a change:). Some people do act as rescuers or saviours in relationships; neither approach ultimately works.

I would suggest you keep working on rebuilding your own self esteem and self worth perhaps through counselling if needed. It may also be an idea to read up on people pleasing behaviours and also co-dependency within relationships as well as looking at Womens Aid's Freedom Programme.

I didn't like my cat at first, Alice, but we've grown closer. Well, he tolerates me and I feed him

Thanks Attila, I think I feel so safe now, I wouldn't want to hamper my progress with a relationship just now, anyway. I'm still in recovery and it's still fragile and there's a lot of work still to do.

Eureka! You got it. Great post well done and keep doing it

Thank you - I will.

I just feel so sad when I read about some of the relationships people are dealing with. I really think self esteem should be taught in schools!

You are so right. Its sad how much young girls have been sold on the idea, through books films and stories, that they are not living the life they are meant to and that they will be "rescued" by a man. Bl**y tragic really.
Lovely to see things changing, and so many women learning how to "rescue" themselves. Seems to happen on here most days.. Quite uplifting.
Oh..and well done you!!!!!

Great post I think this is what I need to be doing , I seem to lurch from one relationship quickly into another it's as though I need to be in a relationship to be happy.. OP your post makes so much sense ??

That's lovely. Thanks for sharing this, very, very well done.

Thank you - I really feel like it's been a revelation - though it's so simple. I also lurched from one relationship to another. In fact I'd never really been single. I refused to believe you could be happy alone, no matter how many times people told me. Then I thought that being happy single meant that you had to fill every minute of the day with activities. I was rushing around going to meet up groups like a mad thing.

Now I've realised that all of that activity was because I was absolutely terrified of being by myself. And when I confronted that fear, I found that being by myself was not only ok, it was pleasant. I readjusted my expectations. Happiness isn't all butterflies and excitement. It's a gentle contentment; a latte and a chocolate chip cookie; a trashy magazine; a bubble bath and a snuggle in bed with warm rosy cheeked children who love you.

I've had my priorities wrong for such a long while.

I also do the meet up groups and do enjoy them but I seem to be looking for the next relationship all the time , then when I am in a relationship I start looking for reasons to finish them . I have been thinking of doing what you have done for a while , maybe it's time to follow your example.

I think the meet up groups can be a good idea and I still do them, but I'm not trying to fill every minute of my time anymore. Sometimes doing nothing is such a luxury! I used to really struggle when my dc were with stbxh, but now I'm content to stay in on my own.

See how it goes, Herald - I do think you're in a much stronger position to have a relationship when you don't need one.

I didn't end my relationships, but I sabotaged them, because I was deeply unhappy.

I went to visit my friend who has had a baby through a sperm donor and seeing how happy she was with her decision to become a single mother by choice also made me realise how much joy there in life.

lovely post

Thank you, shona. I just hope a) it helps others and b) it continues
It is rather lovely having a happiness that no one can take away from you.

I'm so glad you're feeling like this! X

Thank you, Ursula - me too! It's been a long time coming! Hope all is good with you too x

What a great post. Like you I have also had something of an epiphany.
I'm 42. Usually I am either..in a relationship. Heartbroken over a relationship. Or scouting for my next relationship. I made a decision over new year that enough is enough. I've told myself I am having a year off.
Usually when I break up with someone I go through a mild sense of panic of woe is me, I'm single when will I have sex again ?etc etc which impedes on my every day life.
Since making my decision I already feel lighter!
I'd still like to meet someone but for now no OLD, no mentally scouting out the crowd when out, I'd stopped living in the here and now because I was obsessed with my future. Every social occasion would be about hoping 'mr right ' would show up. I can promise you I never flirted or gave a vibe of being 'desperate ' but my head was certainly desperate.

It is thanks, I love that 'a happiness no one can take away from you' it's so true

This is a great post everything being said is just like what I do when out and what goes on in my head . It does feel very self destructive, I think you have inspired me to step off the roller coaster for a while until I feel happy with myself and see how I go from then ...thank you

I'm so glad you feel that way, Herald - I think it's so valuable to recognise that you have choices and being single can be a positive choice.

One thing I noticed about men on monobe dating was that they'd profess undying love and then within days of the relationship ending, they'd be back online searching for the next one. I did it too for a while, before realising that indicated a desperation in both them and me. I have my own issues, I don't need the issues of a desperate, possibly commitmentphobic online dating man, with his own agenda and relationship history as well.

Online dating that should say