having a relationship...with yourself

[dontcallnotdating]

I have online dated on and off for 18 months, since my marriage ended. Had two short and disastrous relationships, which shattered my self esteem and left me struggling to understand what was wrong with me. I tried to please these men, but in the process, I lost sight of who I was.

I started taking anti depressants, despite thinking there was no point, they wouldn't work, I was just useless. I had counselling - every week (and am still going). I was still up and down. It didn't help at first.

I was still feeling as if I needed a man to rescue me and that if only I could find one, I'd be valuable at last. I'd be happy. I'd be complete. I couldn't just sit with who I was, if that makes sense. I was online, answering men's messages, waiting for one of them to find me pleasing, to validate me. On dates, I drank too much to mask my unease. I hated myself afterwards. I felt cheap.

Then, suddenly - it was like the clouds cleared. I stopped drinking. Gave the anti depressants a chance to work. Then I realised that I already had the ingredients of happiness. Beautiful children. A lovely cat. Fish and chips on a Friday night. Friends. Small pleasures. I realised how low I'd been and that actually, I'd been looking to something external to fix the void inside myself.

No one can be responsible for your happiness. There's a beautiful freedom in recognising that you have what you need, all on your own.

That's all. Just wanted to share that. Start by having a relationship with yourself, first and foremost.

Hello - what a lovely, inspiring post. I started a thread on here a couple of weeks ago about starting an OLD detox. I feel exactly the same way as you, and at times my self esteem has been on the floor. Like you, I have panicked about when will I meet someone / have sex again blah blah, but I have also had an epiphany and realised that I am so very happy to have stepped off the rollercoaster...

I have suffered from anxiety, panic and mild depression intermittently for the past few years, largely triggered by some terrible life events. The most recent experience with a man I was dating has left me with some terrible feelings of panic - churning stomach / disturbed sleep / nausea / low mood, and I am seriously considering cracking open the packet of Citalopram in my bathroom. I have had tonnes of counselling but am interested in the role that you say the medication has played in enabling you to feel stronger...

Thank you again for sharing your positive experience.

Thanks Rosalie - I'm glad it's helped. There are so many of us in this position. I recognise those awful panicky feelings. With dating comes disappointments and insecurity and I just don't feel ready for that just now. Plus I felt pulled in different directions. I have enough with work and the dc and my friends for the moment. Men make other demands on your time.

The medication has really lifted me. I take sertraline, as I didn't like citalopram - but it took a while.

Good luck - it feels empowering to make the decision to take time to prioritize yourself. I know a lot of people do find love online, but I am also coming to believe that a lot of online daters have their own agendas and are looking for something short term. Why settle down when there's always another sweetie in the jar? I'm just disillusioned by it!

That's a refreshingly good post, it's great that you can see the beauty & love that surrounds you already within your family.

Yes, the sweet shop mentality...it's so very sad, really. In twenty years' time there will be a whole generation of ageing, lonely people - mainly men - who will bitterly regret thinking that there is always another sweetie in the jar that looks so much more delicious...like you, I want to recover, work on MYSELF, think about where to go professionally, focus on my children, not be an anxious wreck, not - as another poster put it so aptly - waste any moments flapping about a man. I am two weeks into my detox and feeling empowered by the decision I made.

Thank you flatbelly
I agree Rosalie - I think a lot of these men will regret their mistakes. But, well, that's not our problem. We can just focus on ourselves.
I was thinking about this and it's a rare person who spends their entire adult life in a relationship. At some point, the majority of women will find themselves on their own. It's important to know how to be on your own.

I think you are right dontcall. I also think that if you are happy in your own company you are going to set much healthier boundaries for new relationships, and have higher standards of expectation of what is acceptable behaviour in others. This meaning if you chose to pursue a new relationship you can be much more confident in dictating the terms.

Your post resonates with me. After getting stressed and angry and anxious, I had a lovely peaceful Christmas and have resolved to be kind to myself. I'm not To beat myself up if the house is a mess or the children are being bratty, it will all be better another day without me doing anything.

Great post.
Thanks

Thank you - I had my heart broken twice last year and I am not willing to lose my self respect or dignity again. I'd only consider a relationship if I was certain I was bullet proof and that I'd be willing to walk away. It's interesting that this resonates with others too.

Dontcall I agree with all the posts and to lay my cards on the table I am a man so it can affect both the sexes, I have had five short term relationships in the last year and each one I found reason to f* up then instantly started looking for the next one.. I think I do need to give myself time off and stop trying to find my happiness in somebody else ??

Hi what a great post. After a 20 year marriage meet a great guy or so I thought but he just really messed my head up and has left me too feeling really low. I've been suffering with depression for the last 6 months. Your post has given me a kick and I'm going to go to my GP next week to see if I can sort out some counselling - I've never felt like this before, I was doing really well after my marriage broke up, but this last episode has left me spiralling downwards. Thanks for the post x

It's interesting to hear a male perspective, Herald. I've found a lot of the men I've encountered are desperate to rush me into a relationship, but then can't seem to stick to it.

Munchkin, that's great that you're going to see your gp - I can't recommend counselling enough. It's an uphill climb, it can feel worse before it gets better, but you will get there. I'm so glad my experience can help you. It was well worth getting my heart broken if it means I can help myself and others.

These people that hurt us are really not worth it. You have what you need already.

Munchkin, if I could link to the thread I started about embarking upon an OLD detox, I would - but no idea how to link from the tablet I am on [crap at these things emoticon needed ]

I have been there with the messed-up head thanks to a man coming on really strong then brutally dumping me by text out of the blue...I am determined that that will never ever happen to me again as I will be much more assertive at dictating the terms of any future relationship.

Herald - I admire your honesty; why did you do it? Did the women involved know that you were looking for a short-term thing; was that clear from the outset? I sometimes wonder if this ricocheting around in a chaotic way with an everlasting stream of new partners has its roots in low self esteem - constantly needing proof that you are attractive, etc...apologies if I am "off" here but am genuinely interested in why people do this.

Rosalie - I'll see if I can find it, thanks.

Thanks Don't x