End my marriage?

[RahRahRahRahRahRah]

I'm crying so this is going to probably come out as an indecipherable mess but I just feel bloody unhappy and can't discuss this with anyone in RL
Going to try not to out myself so may be vague

I've felt unhappy with DH on and off for years. Each time I've got through it and there have been good times and so I've thought things may be ok, but every time things in life get a bit tough it's a downward spiral.

We have 2 dcs and I think if I hadn't got accidentally pregnant with dc1 we probably wouldn't be together. Sometimes we get on really well and have a laugh, other times I feel like we are just not right for each other.

Over the years there have been many occasions when DH has let me down, usually involving drink. Many of them I have posted about on here so I know I'm not overreacting, some were awful. But he's always been so sorry,

Thing is I think DH sees each incident as a bump in the road which smooths out and then we carry on. For me it feels like we started with a smooth piece of glass which is gradually getting chipped away and now it all jaggedly and like is could shatter :(

I don't know if I love him. I tell him I do. Not sure it's true. I care about him until he acts like a dick and then I feel contempt for him. It's so unhealthy :(

Since the last time we had a bad incident he's been on his best behaviour and it's been ok, but he's out for drinks tonight and I text a while ago asking when he would be back as I wouldn't bother cooking if not. Had a reply which just said "charming, don't bother"

Now he's not replying to my calls or texts so know idea if he is back or not (assume not). My first fear is does this mean I'm in for a hard time when he's back (usually mild verbal abuse or pestering for sex)

Now I just feel so so down hence sat here crying

No idea how t leave a marriage when by and large there is nothing majorly wrong. It's v complicated due to finances and life events at the moments. So scared about impact on kids. That I'll regret it. That he'll get nasty.

But then I just think I don't want to feel like this forever. I want someone who shows me respect. Who I don't have to worry about drinking, about being mean, about being in a bad mood and taking it out on me with every worry/stress. Who doesn't just say they love me but actually shows it with random acts of kindness and tenderness.

Or maybe I don't even want anyone, I just want to be happy with the children

My head is such a mess where do I start

How can you write this and state there is by and large nothing majorly wrong?. Denial is a powerful force granted but it does not help you and really only gives you a false feeling of control.

There is a lot majorly wrong with your marriage; you are likely married to a man who has both a serious and long standing drink problem.

If you want to be on your own with your children you can ultimately do this.

Would you call him an alcoholic?. He's probably very good at saying sorry and also saying that he will change. You've also hoped more than once that he would change and that this time he would mean it. As you have seen over the years he has not changed. What you describe is marriage to a drunkard and a person who is also abusive, it really is lurching from one crisis to another with you clinging onto the wreckage.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?. Did you grow up within a similar sort of household?.

Your roles here amongst others as co-dependent and enabler are well entrenched but you can break free if you truly want to do so. The fact that you are unhappy in your marriage and have really been this way for years is reason enough to call time on your marriage. This man has not and will never give you the respect you deserve because he has other priorities; the number one likely being drink.

No obstacle is really insurmountable to leaving.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, that this is what marriage is really all about?. They do not have to see you directly crying, they see and hear all the unspoken vibes between you and their dad. They likely know far more than either of you care to admit.

I would seek legal advice asap and find out exactly where you stand re separation. Knowledge after all is power and you can proceed at your own pace.

No I didn't grow up in a similar environment, my family hardly drink and it's very different.

DH however has a number of alcoholics (some recovering) in his family. He admits he has a drink problem. He can go for a while without drink but once he's out he can't moderate. It turns him into a either a horrible or really annoying person. I'm not proud of it but the last couple of occasions I videoed him so he could see the reality of what I see.

He seemed suitably ashamed but it obviously hasn't made a difference.

I feel so down that I'm giving up on him but he has form for getting wrecked and going AWOL for hours before important occasions for me like job interviews, first day and new job etc. meaning that he has been unable to help out with the baby in the night if needed etc. last job interview I had to do with 2 hours sleep because of this. Unsurprisingly I didn't hear back :(

Our lives and friends are so intertwined which is probably why i keep sticking my head in the sand. I just know I'm going to end up looking like the one who threw a hand grenade into my kids lives. They really are great kids, so many people comment on how well behaved and lovely they are. And what great parents we both are (that is true of DH).

But I know the morning after DH has behaved badly towards me I can't keep it in check. I know my hurt and anger spills out and I know the DC see that. This is part of what's making me realise it can't go on.

I wish I could feel like he would be fair in the event of a split but I just think he will. A couple of times when I've broken down and told him how he's pushing us apart he has said things along the lines of 'you won't take the kids from me'. I wouldn't, I would honestly hope we would be able to co parent faily and effectively. But the fear of how this could escalate and affect them DC is what's keeping me stuck

Plus money. I just feel very vulnerable. Don't want to go into detail but it would be a good idea for me to ride it out for a few months and financially it would be better. But I'm finding it hard to keep my feelings inside

There doesn't have to be some big crisis for a marriage to be a bad marriage. I think what you described as the chips in the glass can be far more distressing & miserable over the long term. If you strip everything else away... families, money, history, even DCs (because they'll be off one day leading lives of their own) ... would you voluntarily be with him? If not, have the courage of your convictions. Do some research, make a few plans, take some advice.... Actively thinking about an independent future might make you feel less desperate

Allow yourself to be selfish. If you aren't happy then change it. I'm not one for saying end a marriage so blasé but even reading your post the sadness was just seeping through. And if I can pick that up from a post - it must be evident to your DC's.

Please - just seriously think and visit a solicitor for a free half hour and see where you stand financially. Check what benefits you would be eligible for. Look around for a new place (or would he leave?)

Have you had a serious conversation with DH about this?

Lay your cards on the table. nothing to lose!

He is using the fact you won't take the children against you. Which is giving him a green light to treat you like shit. don't allow this.

I'm not saying attack all guns blazing as that won't get you anywhere and will make you look as bad as him.

Quietly in your head, reach a decision, allow it to take time, because it's a big one. research your OPTIONS and act from there.

I'm guessing him sabotaging the interview/work opportunities is to keep you at home. And stop you having financial independence.

Do you have any friends or good neighbours that could have DC's whilst you attend interviews/work?

are they school age? If so work around that.

Your children will still be well behaved and loved no matter what.
Your happiness counts too.

All PP's here have really goid advice, but i want to refer back to yourmost recent exchange. You asked quite simply about catering arrangements depending on whether he would be back. What you got in response was him supposedly finding offence in your text then switching off his phone, effectively stonewalling you. He's conveniently manipulated a normal request into you being the bad guy, justifying himself to "take the hump" amd give homself good reason to ignore you and go off on the piss. Because obviously, it's "all your fault", and "if you hadn't been so rude in your text i wouldn't have to go off and get wankered and go AWOL for hours".....and i bet this isn't the first time he's twisted an innocent request to suit his own ends.

I'm really sorry OP, this along with him sabotaging really important occasions for you (job interviews etc), he sounds appalling. Really appalling . ??

I thought I wanted to let this thread sink away but I really need some more advice.

I just don't know if there is any way back from this?

An update form the above is that I basically broke down to a friend on a night out and confessed how I was feeling. This seems to have opened the floodgates and I can't stop thinking about it all. She was very good (knows both of us) and very supportive.

Not long afterwards my DH asked me one night if I still love him. I couldn't answer. He said you don't do you? I said I don't know how I feel at the moment as part of me feels dead inside.

He's obviously gutted. I explained that the series of events and his behaviour in the last six months has gradually made me feel worse and worse. That I don't want to feel this way but I can't make feelings just appear. I also explained just how down I am.

He then confided in his DF and admitted some things to him, for example he admitted he knows he can be verbally abusive towards me. He knows that although domestically he is good, he doesn't do anything to make me feel good in myself.

His DF is now trying to rescue us and constantly calling and offering to babysit etc which is great, but I feel pressured.

DH has been making a massive effort since this all came out. But I'm struggling so much. If he had made this effort a year ago I would have been so happy! But now it doesn't seem to be making a difference to the way I feel. I want to get it back and to be happy, but HOW?

Life has been v v stressful for us and it should (hopefully) improve over the next few months. So maybe I need to stick it out. So for the moment I am saying 'I love you' back but I don't know if it's true?

I just feel so guilty about potentially breaking his heart? And disrupting the children? All for the way I feel (which to me feels like I'm being selfish?)

I have spoken to the GP about my low mood as it's gradually worsened since the birth of DC2. I've been referred for counselling but it could be months before it starts. I just feel in limbo.

And in the interest of being totally honest and getting honest advice, I should probably admit something else.

At my work xmas party (which was during the worst time of DH behaviour, when it became clear he has an issue with alcohol and some other stuff also came to light) I got very drunk. Just not used to drinking, having glass topped up and mixing drinks.

There is a guy who I had a silly crush on, nothing serious. Anyway I have a v hazy memory of telling him how lovely he is, I think we may have kissed :( I'm not 100% sure as I can't remember much at all, I just remember suddenly knowing i had to leave and get a taxi. Luckily I think we had left at that point so I don't think anyone saw, but I don't 100% know that either.

I don't have to see the guy much at all at work, and although it's been a bit embarrassing walking past each other I can just get on with things.

The stupid thing is, since then I've developed a major crush and I can't stop thinking about him. It's really stupid as I don't know him very well at all so it's totally based on fantasy. But I literally can't get him out of my head and I know it's damaging my attempts to think more positively about DH.

There, I'll await the flaming :(

My head is such a mess with all this.

You seem to be doing a fairly good job of self recrimination so I don't think anyone here would want to flame you on top.

I don't know exactly what to suggest except to remind you that this is your life. Do not try to live it on behalf of your husband, your father in law, even your kids. Live it for yourself. I think you're struggling mentally because you cannot resolve the unhappiness you are experiencing by pleasing everyone except yourself. It is not 'selfish' to want a relationship where you are treated with respect, love and affection

Thanks Cogito.

Do you think that's it then? I'm wondering whether if giving it a go if DH carries on making changes whether love can return for me? Or is that unlikely?

My DH is also trying to make up for a letting me down, a lot (not in the same way). He's really really trying but I just think, why didn't you do this before, why did it take this long? Why did I have to be right at the last millimetre of my tether for you to notice I wasn't kidding?

It's really hard. He's a good man, with good qualities. He sees what he's done wrong. This has been going on for some months and a couple of weeks back he had a slip and I lost it. I feel I can't trust him.

All that is just to say I know how you feel.

The way I look at it, there's no rush. I don't have to be superwife, I can just live with him in the house, hold my fire and take my time over a decision. In the meantime I'm thinking practically about what living apart might mean. I've told him this, he is aware.

My point in my last post is that I'm owning my feelings. Previously I felt I had to go back to loving affectionate forgiving wife, the role I always played, and I just can't. I'm looking out for myself now, for once. And DH finds it hard but you know what, fuck him. He's looked out for himself for 13 years and he's never looked out for me.

I wouldn't waste any time worrying or being embarrassed about the xmas party. So you had a drunken kiss under the mistletoe - no biggie! At least you went home and didn't end up doing the walk of shame to the office next morning

So at the moment things are very stressful at home and you expect them to calm down after a few months. Was your H's behaviour equally shitty before the stressful times started? If so, then I would probably think it fair to give it some time (depending on what the stress is - I'm assuming it's more stressful for him.)

However if it's been shit for years, then I don't think you have any obligation to stay just because it's bad timing. for practical reasons you may want to put off actually moving out etc until the situation is calmer, but if you feel like you've already made a decision, then stick to it.

Also if you don't feel like you love him, then don't say you do. You'll end up putting pressure on yourself to stay because you won't want to be caught lying in retrospect (iykwim) If he says "I love you" you can just say "I know" or "thanks".

FWIW in my experience unless he admits he has a drinking problem and seeks proper help, things are not going to change.

Calin your post really rings a bell with me. DH messed up a little on Friday and I literally went ballistic. Way over the top reaction but I don't know what to expect and automatically assume worst case scenario.

Then I also think, that's no way for him to love either, literally on egg shells? I know he loves me so maybe he just is who he is and can't change (and then I think why should he? Although the alcohol issues and anger issues are not healthy which he has acknowledged and is trying to change).

I am doing as you in my head, working out various scenarios for leaving and what it means financially etc.

We have just done our house up though after years of waiting, it's finally big enough for our family and is lovely (though DH freely admits all the hard work for this is down to me!). However this house was bought by DH after he saved up on his own for the deposit. I would feel so guilty if we split and he had to move out. But I am definitely the main child career and so is it fair to love the kids elsewhere (I wouldn't mind so much for myself) especially as it would be much smaller, back to sharing etc?

Sounds so stupid but it's things like that which are a real barrier for me to get over. DH doesn't know my thoughts have advanced so far though. I'm finding it hard to be honest with him

*no way for him to live

Argh child carer and move the kids, damn auto correct!

I found it hard to be honest at first too. But then I figured there's no point in pretending everything's ok only to spring it on him in a year's time that I want him to move out.

At least if I'm honest he knows exactly what has to change and actually has a chance to do that. He is trying, hard. I have no idea whether it'll work - for the moment I feel it absolutely won't but I'm not making any decisions, I'm just making it possible for me to survive on my own (I've literally just today set the ball rolling to up my hours at work) and working on the principle that separation is a definite possibility.

Oddly, we're in a very similar situation wrt our house - just finished doing it up, it looks fab, it's a great house and I'm so sad that rather than enjoying it we're in this position.

V similar. Work have also mooted possibility of more hours to me, and I've already worked out how much easier it would be for me to survive on my own.

It is such a shame wrt to the house. But the stress of the building work has definitely contributed to the escalation of the situation over the past few months

If you're finding it hard to be honest with him, isn't that because you've never been honest? Right from the start it seems as though you have just sleep walked into everything, Children, marriage, etc. At every stage you've said nothing & done nothing and the result is this 'nothing' limbo situation where you don't have anything you want because you're too busy working out what everyone else wants.

At some point you have got to stop being passive, stop trying to keep the peace, be honest and, if it causes a few waves, so much the better.

For us it was the stress of DD (our second child). She was a very very tough baby and DH just checked out and left me to it, while all the time making out we were in the same boat. It was a definite escalation of selfish behaviours that had popped up throughout our relationship and it ended in a last straw situation. I feel a lot of anger towards him.

Cognito, I don't think it's fair to say it was right from the beginning.'l I was totally in love with him at the start, however he treated me v shoddily. We then got on track, had an amazing year and then I accidentally fell PG. I first started having doubts during the first year of dc1's life, but things improved and we had dc2 and since then it's gone downhill.

In fact right from the hospital with dc2 he was glued to his iPad playing online poker or watching films. Even when I was in hdu after blood loss.

I haven't forgiven him for that, but I buried at the time as I was desperate to enjoy my new baby. But obviously the resentment is there and it's that (amongst other things) that surfaced when he started being a twat last year but he doesn't get why him saying sorry now doesn't make it better.

I am a people pleaser though, I'm trying to work on it. It's probably why I let him treat me so badly right at the start and still loved him unconditionally.

I think you might be me RahRah.

Although maybe you are right too cogito. I have a up a job I really really loved for the sake of my family (was weekend work and impacted on DH a lot as well as our ability to attend family/friend things).

I am still gutted about that as I probably could have made it work. It's what makes his behaviour before my last interview sting even more as it was for a role in a career I really want to get into (rather than the part time stuff I do at the moment which is more to keep me in employment than anything else)

I do have a lot of anger!! But whenever I try and show it to DH he deflects and I get confused. He's told me I'm never happy with anything so many times. I worry it is me then

I'm sorry for you then Calin! But sounds like you have made more progress than me

I really hope in a years time we are both back here saying how happy we are

'You're never happy' is a 'shut up' statement that doesn't take your feelings seriously and offers no intention of doing anything about it. You're not happy.... that's a fact..... and you're entitled to express yourself and be taken seriously,

I hope so too Rah, although I am at the stage where a vision of that happiness doesn't automatically include DH.

I've given up a hell of a lot for my DH, including an amazing job on a fantastic project where they paid me £4,000 than their original offer to get hold of me (even though I was very young and only had a years' experience) and where they offered me all the free training under the sun. If I'd stayed in that job I could easily be at the absolute top of that profession now in a massively reputable institution.
But I gave it up as we were living apart at the time and looking back now I know I realised at the time that he would never make the sacrifice of moving to be near my job. So I sacrificed, to keep the relationship going.

As a result I'm at the bottom of a (good enjoyable) career, and he's streaked ahead. But when I asked him for a little tiny sacrifice for my career last year he just outright said no. That was the last straw for me.