End my marriage?

[RahRahRahRahRahRah]

I'm crying so this is going to probably come out as an indecipherable mess but I just feel bloody unhappy and can't discuss this with anyone in RL
Going to try not to out myself so may be vague

I've felt unhappy with DH on and off for years. Each time I've got through it and there have been good times and so I've thought things may be ok, but every time things in life get a bit tough it's a downward spiral.

We have 2 dcs and I think if I hadn't got accidentally pregnant with dc1 we probably wouldn't be together. Sometimes we get on really well and have a laugh, other times I feel like we are just not right for each other.

Over the years there have been many occasions when DH has let me down, usually involving drink. Many of them I have posted about on here so I know I'm not overreacting, some were awful. But he's always been so sorry,

Thing is I think DH sees each incident as a bump in the road which smooths out and then we carry on. For me it feels like we started with a smooth piece of glass which is gradually getting chipped away and now it all jaggedly and like is could shatter :(

I don't know if I love him. I tell him I do. Not sure it's true. I care about him until he acts like a dick and then I feel contempt for him. It's so unhealthy :(

Since the last time we had a bad incident he's been on his best behaviour and it's been ok, but he's out for drinks tonight and I text a while ago asking when he would be back as I wouldn't bother cooking if not. Had a reply which just said "charming, don't bother"

Now he's not replying to my calls or texts so know idea if he is back or not (assume not). My first fear is does this mean I'm in for a hard time when he's back (usually mild verbal abuse or pestering for sex)

Now I just feel so so down hence sat here crying

No idea how t leave a marriage when by and large there is nothing majorly wrong. It's v complicated due to finances and life events at the moments. So scared about impact on kids. That I'll regret it. That he'll get nasty.

But then I just think I don't want to feel like this forever. I want someone who shows me respect. Who I don't have to worry about drinking, about being mean, about being in a bad mood and taking it out on me with every worry/stress. Who doesn't just say they love me but actually shows it with random acts of kindness and tenderness.

Or maybe I don't even want anyone, I just want to be happy with the children

My head is such a mess where do I start

I know you are right. I need to have a book of MN responses to twatty comments to refer to when he says it again.

Cailin it sounds so familiar. DH is about to start a v well paid job. Which further impacts on my career as he will be travelling loads meaning all drop offs and pick ups down to me, meaning I can't stay late etc etc. which is great if I thought we would stay together. More difficult if we are separated as it's stopping me from progressing

My DH has offered to go part time to help my career. Which I am reluctant to agree to because even though it's a helpful offer, he has form in the past for offering things then punishing me when I accept.

Rah - did he discuss accepting that job with you? And did he talk through the impact it would have on your career?

Yes, we did discuss it and the money will massively help our family.

I'm not annoyed with him for progressing in his career, I suppose just gutted at the impact it's had on my own career. And the fact that when I have had opportunities or roles that actually have a chance of progressing, he is not supportive. It suits him more to have me part time in a flexible role so he doesn't have to worry about the childcare juggle. There is no way I could support us though(barely make any money after childcare) so I have felt I have to be supportive in this.

On the flip side I know that he is under massive pressure in his role. But problems stem from this as he massively offloads this pressure on to me.

I'm not annoyed at my DH for progressing his career either. But I am annoyed that I have supported him massively and he hasn't seen that, and when I wanted a tiny bit of support he refused it because it was inconvenient for him.

God just read another thread where the dp accuses the op of being angry/shouting during a discussion when she is not. DH does this, he always says I'm shouting if I am trying to get my point across (I'm definitely not shouting!)

So many little things like this that I know are red flags, why is so hard to see them when you are with someone?

Do you think your DH is abusive Rah?

He's already admitted to his dad he knows he's verbally abusive, and he certainly can be really nasty. But I'm not sure it's that or an anger management issue, it's not just with me (poor takeaway guy on the phone got it the other day). He manages to control it at work though, thankfully

It's not all the time or even really often, but it is very unpleasant and upsetting when it does happen and means arguments escalate and I end up feeling like my feelings mean nothing and he's not really listening

It's why we've got to this point really (amongst other timings). Alcohol only makes it worse and in the run up to Christmas there was obviously a lot of drinking which is why it got so bad

Is he trying to do anything to combat the abuse? Or the drinking?

Well he's said he doesn't want to be that person any more. But no practical stuff really, no.

And it's been ok the last couple of weeks, nice even. But I'm just waiting for the next time.

We have spoken about professional help but he's not done anything yet

The reality is that you are controlled 24/7 by the drink and the anger - as every minute between incidents you are walking on egg-shells waiting for the next one - or worse tap dancing and adapting/compromising your lives to avoid/preempt his triggers.

Even if he fixes himself - can you forgive and forget and get back on track to a fulfilling nourishing relationship. Or has the respect gone? Is the emotional distance there already?

I put up with too much for too long - even when the issue was "fixed" - I could not get over it. I spent too long being angry and getting myself into a state flogging a dead horse. My children saw this ugly angry woman regularly until the penny dropped that this is what I had become - and this was the only mother they knew.

Try Al-anon. Take a look at my thread from last week to see where this might go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2300903-Anyone-else-unable-to-forgive-OH-historic-alcoholism

Whoops posted too soon....

What needs to happen now (if you dont separate now) is that you communicate that there is now a consequence to one more single incident - and you need to follow thru. The only consequence is separation.

Hi, my first time on MN and was about to post my 'story' when I saw yours :( I could be you and your OH could be my H ... given I was about to post to ask for advice, I can only offer solidarity and not much else right now. I will follow this thread and hope it works out for you x

OP - do you doubt your angry feelings around the binge drinking episodes? Do you think that your emotional reaction is OTT - and maybe you should put up and shut up? I was like this - I feel angry with myself for feeling angry and disappointed with him - I felt that society accepted boozing and that I was an unreasonable party pooper for feeling angry, shamed disgusted with his drinking. I spent years wondering if he was an alcoholic - trying to define what that meant - though it was only the case when drinking 24/7. But it was easier to keep away from the loaded "alcoholic" label - and just accept problem drinker - it was a problem for our relationship....and although he didn't drink 24/7 - his drinking issues dominated 24/7 - it was always on my mind. I feel a fool for tolerating for so long.