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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Way forward

35 replies

blokespoke · 15/01/2015 17:56

Hello ladies and gents. Been married to my wife 9 years and life is just one massive struggle. To say she is terrible with money is a massive understatement. She works part time I work full time and we have 3 small children. She wants a holiday and some home improvements so thinks a few days overtime will cover it all (during the summer holidays, abroad) a few days ot will make 500 quid tops. She has no concept of what things actually cost and we are constantly working and skint. I really think our lives would be better apart (if I paid all
My wages to the Csa I don't think I would be worse off) I am in debt from her spending and from bailing out her debt Nd at my wits end. Was hoping for views of blokes it ladies who have been in a similar position and parted conpany and how their lives are now.
Thanks everyone :-)

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/01/2015 18:03

What happens when you have frank discussions about money? Does she understand that you are both in debt etc.?

Do you own your home or rent?

Joysmum · 15/01/2015 18:45

Have you presented monthly outgoings and income to her?

If you've got control of all the finances then she won't know what things cost.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 19:58

I used to be married to someone who was irresponsible with money and you have my sympathy. Things I tried down the years included trying to engage him in discussion about budgeting, explaining income and outgoings, taking on a bigger share of the bills so that he could reduce his debts (hollow laugh). No good. I then tried a tougher approach but all that got me was abuse. Finally I separated all our accounts, made sure the bills were covered and hoped for the best. This ended up being a good move because, when he left, his personal debts went with him.

If you've had enough I would suggest financial separation as well.

Original poster

blokespoke · 15/01/2015 20:24

When we discuss she doesn't get it. It's all black and white and I've printed it off and showed her. after all bills are paid there is still a significant smount if money left. About 1500 then every month it's all gone within 10 days and 20 days skint. Every month for about 4 years. I used to get the blame do I stopped using the debit card and draw cash out. She just keeps
Using it till it declines irresponsible isn't the work. And she is a professional person so she's not daft. At my wits end :-(

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Original poster

blokespoke · 15/01/2015 20:25

Typos galore on the iPhone keypad lol. Use your imagination :-)

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/01/2015 20:27

Well I can completely understand why you want to go your separate ways. She clearly has some sort of spending addiction that she doesn't want to face.

Divorce is painful but so is losing your home etc. Remember all marital debts are shared so you will probably have to take one half.

What assets are there? They will also be split...

Original poster

blokespoke · 15/01/2015 20:28

House is owned/ mortgaged. She cancelled the direct debit on that last year so we had money on holiday! That's another story lol

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 20:32

Marital debts are not shared. Joint debts remain a joint liability, but personal loans taken out by married partners remain a personal liability. This is why it's beneficial to separate finances prior to divorce. Joint accounts should be closed in favour of personal accounts. Joint credit cards stopped in favour of personal ones

RandomMess · 15/01/2015 20:42

So long as none are secured on the property...

SIL found that they took both parties debts into consideration in the divorce regardless of whose name they were in IYSWIM!

Good luck OP I couldn't live like that.

BobbyDazzler1 · 15/01/2015 21:59

Nightmare. I would hate to face this. If she wasn't a spending addict do you think you would still want to separate? Do you think if she knew you were going to leave this might be what would bring her to her senses?

RandomMess · 15/01/2015 22:04

Could she possibly be very unhappy/depressed/emotionally hiding from something that therapy/counselling would resolve? There is usually an emotional reason behind such spending problems but it's whether you have enough left to weather the storm and whether she is prepared to actually address the issues.

HotChocWithMarshmallows · 15/01/2015 22:10

When we discuss she doesn't get it
No, she is a professional woman, of course she understands it. She just doesn't care.

RandomMess · 15/01/2015 22:14

Or in complete denial/refusing to face what the real cause is.

Ouchbloodyouch · 16/01/2015 00:09

You have got to separate the finances. You see so much on here re 'its family money' or 'how humiliating to be given an allowance by your husband'. I normally agree with these sentiments but this is an absolute piss take.

kerrymumbles · 16/01/2015 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

blokespoke · 16/01/2015 00:36

We don't do the allowance thing I think that's nonsense. No it's not about money but when you spend 2/3s of the month with nooney and the other month knowing it's coming it's incredibly depressing. Monthly pay is a problem but it's the complete inability to budget for a month.
Anyway. The question was how has anyone in a similar position moved forward and how did things turn out?

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Original poster

blokespoke · 16/01/2015 00:37

"2/3s without money" it should read

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Ouchbloodyouch · 16/01/2015 00:46

I don't normally agree with allowances either. What is your alternative?

Ouchbloodyouch · 16/01/2015 00:47

Kerry ffs. 2/3 of the month skint? What fun op must be having

kerrymumbles · 16/01/2015 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

blokespoke · 16/01/2015 01:20

She doesn't think she has a problem tried all this Kerry

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Original poster

blokespoke · 16/01/2015 01:22

At least I'm not up all night thinking about it ??

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ToastedOrFresh · 16/01/2015 01:25

What are you like with budgeting BlokeSpoke ? Are you blaming her for what you are just of guilty of ?

Do you say things like, 'I only want you to have the best' as an excuse to spend big ?

What does the money go on ? Have you asked her ? Is there any evidence of loads of new clothes or make up or beauty spa days or whatever ?

Original poster

blokespoke · 16/01/2015 01:33

Clothes, make up and hair styles mainly. Other random stuff. Eg just before Xmas I negotiated with Santander to releive me of 200 of the mortgage arrears and split it over 4 months so we had the money to last till pay day. Happy they agreed I rung her with the good news got home and she had bought a puppy! Crazy impulse stuff

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Original poster

blokespoke · 16/01/2015 01:46

With regards the budgeting I explain what all the bills add upto and when they go out and how much is left. I then draw enough out in cash to just about get me to work and back (so it doesn't get spent and I can't get to work) and the rest is "disposable" and is disposed of promptly.

OP posts:

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