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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to do.

78 replies

drowning14 · 15/01/2015 15:03

From lurking on here for a while I think I know what the answer is going to be and I've already written one post and deleted it.

Been with DH for 8.5 years and we have 2 DS. He is awful with money, always have been. I work full time and have a fairly decent job, pays minimum wage but its stable and has propects. Because of his total uselessness with money our money has always been separate. He had what he earned self employed and tax credits into his bank and with that he paid rent and I pad various other bills. That's how it has always been. So a year ago we had gone out and I forgot something, I nipped back home and found a letter from the landlord saying that we owed two months rent. I hadn't got a clue and we had a huge argument and my dad kindly lent us the money (into DH's bank) to pay off the arrears. I never heard any more of it so assumed everything was sorted.

Fast forward to September this year, we return home after the school run to find two bailiffs, a locksmith and the landlord on our drive. He hadn't paid rent and had gotten us evicted. He hid everything, including court papers from me, he had gone to the effort of intercepting the post! I hadn't got a clue. I had to rehome our much loved family pets, my children lost their house, it was probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I sent him packing to his mothers. I slept on my parents front room floor while I got myself together and a month later I got a tiny house near my parents. In the meantime DH made all the right noise, promised to sort himself out etc etc. Soon he started staying in the house and pretty much moved in again.

But nothing has changed. I now pay for everything, while running the house, looking after the kids (school age luckily) and working. He's lying about money again, he had no money for xmas so I paid for everything and it just turned out that he pressured my sister into a catalogue account so he could buy me something, which he hasn't paid her for so she's now paying. He also owes other friends and family money (my dad 2.5k :( )

I'm pretty sure his bank account has been shut down (although he swears not) because he had £300 put in last week saying that he wanted to 'help' me out, but then he's had my bank card all week so he's spent it. If I took it out of his wallet, he'd find the bloody thing and put it back in! I asked him to nip and get £20 from the cashpoint this morning for school things, and when I checked my bank he'd took £60 and given me £20 :( and he took a further £20 yesterday that I'd known nothing about. But then he makes me feel bad because it was 'his' £300 and he started shouting that I was 'questioning him' and in the end I feel like I'm being unreasonable that I'm upset he's taken it out of my bank.

Sorry it's a bit rambly :(
I can't talk to him because he shouts and screams and I'm so stressed worrying about paying for everything I feel like I'm drowning :(

OP posts:

gamerchick · 15/01/2015 19:26

And in the meantime. . Tomorrow change your pin number at the cash point and don't give him it

Original poster

drowning14 · 15/01/2015 19:35

He's packing. I feel like shite :(

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 15/01/2015 19:38

Don't feel shit. You are doing the right thing. Yes t's sad that it's come to this but there is only person responsible for this and that's him.

Stay strong

Balders74 · 15/01/2015 19:42

Make sure he doesn't take your bank card with him and get any keys he has off him or he will come back when you're at work and look for any money in the house.

This is absolutely the best thing for your and your DC's. I know it feels shit but in the long run you will feel soooo much better.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2015 19:46

Lock your bank accounts down

The bloke is a low life of the highest order

HootyMcTooty · 15/01/2015 19:58

Also ask your landlord if you can change the locks on the house.

CorporateRockWhore · 15/01/2015 19:59

You shouldn't feel like shite, you should feel like Queen of the World for putting your children first and this thieving wee scumbag last.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2015 20:05

Another vote for you are doing the right thing.

I think you'll be (pleasantly) surprised at the peace you'll feel once he's gone.

PS Can you check his bags to be sure he isn't taking off with any of your financial paperwork?

LisaMed · 15/01/2015 20:08

Please, please, please check your credit report. It is a big ask when so much is happening around you, but you need to check it and keep checking it. You can get them from three providers, you should be able to google.

Please take care and think of your children. That should help you. hugs, it isn't easy

pengymum · 15/01/2015 21:28

Change bank accounts ( alot of banks giving £100+ to swap ? every little helps!)
until then notify current bank that card is lost & they will issue you with a new one & get a new PIN. NEVER tell anyone your PIN no matter how much you trust them as it automatically voids bank liability if there is ANY fraud on your account, even if it is some random person not the person who you gave your PIN to ifyswim.

Get a credit report, write to credit agencies & disassociate yourself from your DH. Also you can sign up to be notified if any credit cards or accounts are applied for in your name. Can't remember what it is called but if you talk to Experian they can advise you.
Hopefully he hasn't already applied for cc or credit accounts in your name.
Change your locks immediately. Do not allow him access to your home again. You don't know if he is going to try pinching cards etc while 'going to loo'. Don't even let him in to see kids in your house or when collecting. DO NOT TRUST him any more. You don't know where this money has gone but it has gone.
Hope you can sort yourself out.

BuzzardBird · 15/01/2015 21:34

Well done OP. Don't worry about him, he will be fine, he will declare himself bankrupt. You need to worry about yourself and your DC's.

You should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing for them.

mummyofonesofar · 15/01/2015 21:45

Well done. We are all behind you and proud of you. Stay strong for yourself and your children. There is light at the end of all this.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2015 22:48

OP, he has left you no choice.

CrispyFern · 15/01/2015 23:14

You are doing the right thing.

Nolim · 16/01/2015 07:13

Well done op.

HalberHahn · 16/01/2015 07:58

Please please do what Acrossthepond said. It is even more important now you have realised he will never change. He will try and get his hands on your money. Close or lock all credit cards and change your current account

I know it's a lot of hassle with changing everything that goes in it, but imagine what happens if he does get his hands on your rent or food money again.
Do it today!

You are doing the right thing!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2015 08:02

I'm sorry you're feeling bad but you know you're doing the right thing. He's had plenty of chances to be a decent human being down the years and failed every time. It's always sad when something ends so stay busy, be with friends, and look after yourself.

juneau · 16/01/2015 10:01

Why do you feel like shite? You didn't do this - he did! He's utterly, shamelessly abused your good nature and now he's making YOU feel guilty for finally standing up to him. I'm glad you're throwing him out and if you stand firm and keep this loser out of your life you'll be glad too when you get over your inexplicable guilt.

Now please do what the earlier posters advised to secure your bank accounts and finances. If you don't, you'll find them cleaned out.

Gfplux · 16/01/2015 14:36

By kicking him out you make all women proud of you. By being kicked out he is making all men ashamed of him.

Gfplux · 16/01/2015 14:38

Sorry, given the posts on mumsnet I should say...... " making most men ashamed"

DillyDallyDaydreamer · 16/01/2015 14:48

Hmmm I think you need to read your post and think what advice you'd give a friend in the same position. My advice would be to get him to move out and be in charge of your own finances be harder on him and easier on yourself .

hellsbellsmelons · 16/01/2015 15:00

I really hope you stuck to your guns.
The fact you haven't been back makes me think he is still there.
Everyone is still here to support you though.
Even if you haven't managed it this time.
We can help give you strength for when you really are ready.

DownstairsMixUp · 16/01/2015 15:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Ambivalence · 16/01/2015 22:51

Drowning - what a terrible situation you are in, I hope you are able to get him to leave

Original poster

drowning14 · 02/03/2015 14:45

Just to update- I kicked him out for the final time on Valentines day after he stole money yet again. It's been over two weeks now and he's not coming back this time. It's 100% over and although it's been hard, I'm feeling happier and stronger for it. Good riddance :)

OP posts:

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