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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do.

78 replies

drowning14 · 15/01/2015 15:03

From lurking on here for a while I think I know what the answer is going to be and I've already written one post and deleted it.

Been with DH for 8.5 years and we have 2 DS. He is awful with money, always have been. I work full time and have a fairly decent job, pays minimum wage but its stable and has propects. Because of his total uselessness with money our money has always been separate. He had what he earned self employed and tax credits into his bank and with that he paid rent and I pad various other bills. That's how it has always been. So a year ago we had gone out and I forgot something, I nipped back home and found a letter from the landlord saying that we owed two months rent. I hadn't got a clue and we had a huge argument and my dad kindly lent us the money (into DH's bank) to pay off the arrears. I never heard any more of it so assumed everything was sorted.

Fast forward to September this year, we return home after the school run to find two bailiffs, a locksmith and the landlord on our drive. He hadn't paid rent and had gotten us evicted. He hid everything, including court papers from me, he had gone to the effort of intercepting the post! I hadn't got a clue. I had to rehome our much loved family pets, my children lost their house, it was probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I sent him packing to his mothers. I slept on my parents front room floor while I got myself together and a month later I got a tiny house near my parents. In the meantime DH made all the right noise, promised to sort himself out etc etc. Soon he started staying in the house and pretty much moved in again.

But nothing has changed. I now pay for everything, while running the house, looking after the kids (school age luckily) and working. He's lying about money again, he had no money for xmas so I paid for everything and it just turned out that he pressured my sister into a catalogue account so he could buy me something, which he hasn't paid her for so she's now paying. He also owes other friends and family money (my dad 2.5k :( )

I'm pretty sure his bank account has been shut down (although he swears not) because he had £300 put in last week saying that he wanted to 'help' me out, but then he's had my bank card all week so he's spent it. If I took it out of his wallet, he'd find the bloody thing and put it back in! I asked him to nip and get £20 from the cashpoint this morning for school things, and when I checked my bank he'd took £60 and given me £20 :( and he took a further £20 yesterday that I'd known nothing about. But then he makes me feel bad because it was 'his' £300 and he started shouting that I was 'questioning him' and in the end I feel like I'm being unreasonable that I'm upset he's taken it out of my bank.

Sorry it's a bit rambly :(
I can't talk to him because he shouts and screams and I'm so stressed worrying about paying for everything I feel like I'm drowning :(

OP posts:
Original poster
drowning14 · 15/01/2015 16:07

He has taken the childrens money in the past, and money I've got for xmas and birthdays :( You're all right, I know you are and if I was reading someone else writing this I'd be thinking wtf are you doing, kick him out.

OP posts:
DistressedAndAlarmed · 15/01/2015 16:12

You have a responsibility towards your children to safeguard them from the consequences of your DH's lifestyle choices. Do it.

Jan45 · 15/01/2015 16:14

Put your kids first then instead of yourself, sorry but you must if you want to give them a happy home life.

WTF has he got, believe me there's so much better out there, you should realise that your life is worth more than having a leech living off you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 16:16

Hope you find a way to get him out of your house. If the pleading gives way to 'shouts and screams' don't hesitate to call in the police.

BTW None of us are any tougher than you and none of us would find what you're having to do easy. Do call in help rather than trying to deal with this solo.

BuzzardBird · 15/01/2015 16:17

You do know what to do though drowning. This will only get worse, you need to put a stop to it. Don't let him drive you and your DC's onto the streets. He offers you nothing. Get rid.

JerryJerryJerry · 15/01/2015 16:19

Something similar happened to me a few years ago, thankfully before I had children. I only kept my home and pets due to a relative loaning me the money to pay off the rent and council tax arrears my ex had built up without my knowledge. We had a similar arrangement, we kept our money separate and he paid the rent and council tax and I paid everything else. It turned out that he had lost his job and not told me, preferring to get up inAngry the morning as normal, put his work clothes on and go out all day (where to is another story altogether). I only found out when I found a letter from the council tax saying they we'd missed a court date and they were instructing bailiffs.

We split up, but got back together and had a child before splitting up again for good at the beginning of last year. A few months ago we both received a letter saying we'd been overpaid tax credits when we were together. He set up a payment plan with HMRC to pay it back and took my share out of the child maintenance he gives me, I thought that was the end of it. Lo and behold, today I get a letter saying no payments have been made and they will refer it to debt collectors.

It won't get better, you have to protect your children and their security, not to mention your own. He's also stealing from you, which just shows his complete lack of respect for you and how much he doesn't care that his family is struggling because of his actions.

It's hard but you must leave him if you want things to change.

JerryJerryJerry · 15/01/2015 16:20

Ignore the stray Angry face!

Wineoclockalready · 15/01/2015 16:21

*He's a thief, an emotional abuser, a financial abuser, a liar, a sneaky immature prick and he's fucking up your life and that of your children.

Where on earth is the quandary here?*

RandomMess · 15/01/2015 16:23

He is either gambling or doing drugs I should think.

Zucker · 15/01/2015 16:31

Oh god get him out, he's draining you in every way imaginable. This is actually a case of change the locks and leave his stuff in the garden.

sebsmummy1 · 15/01/2015 16:33

I feel sick just reading this. You are letting this thief steal from your children's mouths? I just cannot get around you not having the strength to tell him to FUCK OFF. Aren't you furious? Aren't your family furious?

You need to change your PIN immediately as that is not meant to be shared information and as such means you are immediately invalidated if a fraud happened against your account. Go to any ATM and press PIN services and you can change it straight away.

How you permanently remove the maggot from your person I am less clear on. Is his Mother aware of his thieving? If not I would want to make her aware, send him there, change the locks and do not let him back in. Seeing the children can be done away from the home (and your bag).

You need to get advice how to make sure you are not held responsible for his debts now and in the future.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2015 16:52

You know what you should do so I'm not going to tell you that.

In the meantime, you need to close your current account and open a new one, preferably at a different bank. If he has your bank info (and since he uses your card, he does) there will be nothing to stop him from accessing your money even if you change your pin. Have any bank statements or paperwork directed to another address (your parents or a close friend). If you must do online banking, do it on a computer or phone he has no access to, being sure it's password protected. Buy a lockbox to keep your wallet and any cards in. Be sure to screen your mail. Monitor your credit report. Once you effectively cut off his access to your money, don't be surprised if you suddenly find credit cards or accounts opened in your name.

Sound dire? It is.

ReindeerDontFly · 15/01/2015 16:55

I had one of them, almost to the word. I got rid, and my life is immeasurably better.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam · 15/01/2015 17:51

I just want to say OP, I lived with one of these for the best part of seven years.
Getting rid was the hardest, best thing I've ever done.
If you let him stay nothing will change.
If you get rid you'll look back in a few months time and feel like a stronger better person for doing so.

thewomaninwhite · 15/01/2015 17:56

I am sorry Op, this is awful to read. I have no words for his behaviour. You know that you and your children are better off without him living with you. You all deserve so much better.

thewomaninwhite · 15/01/2015 17:57

Agree with all Acrossthepond said too in terms of practical things. You need to think about these asap.

youarekiddingme · 15/01/2015 18:00

He's not going to change because there's no need for him too. You know he has to go - house is in your name so if he won't leave get help in evicting him. This is unfair on your children. Don't wait until they have no food or roof before you take action. Flowers

youarekiddingme · 15/01/2015 18:02

Sorry just realised my post sounds harsh - that wasn't my intentions. I've been there with my XDP like this. I waited until he cheated before I kicked him out. I should have done it sooner before he had the change to fuck me over.

Great advice by acrossthepond

LoisPuddingLane · 15/01/2015 18:05

This man is a cunt. And a thieving cunt at that.

If I took it out of his wallet, he'd find the bloody thing and put it back in! How dare he? How ACTUALLY dare he? That is theft, plain and simple. Why on earth did you let this man back into your home? It's not about being tough - I don't think any of us is particularly tough - it's about prioritising what matters - you and your kids.

magoria · 15/01/2015 18:36

Change your pin number and all passwords/log ins now.

Do not let this waste of space have any more of your money.

Tell him you want him out.

He is nothing more than a common thief.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2015 19:01

Changing pins and passwords for accounts he already knows about is a mug's game. There are ways around that, all you need to know is where the money is and the account number.

You need to close all existing accounts and move to a totally different bank. Cancel all credit cards.

I used to work alongside officials involved in 'elder protection', which at times involved relatives misusing funds. If a dishonest person knows where where the money is, they'll get their hands on it, one way or the other.

HotChocWithMarshmallows · 15/01/2015 19:08

So, if you tell him to leave and he begs and pleads, what are you going to do?

AnyFucker · 15/01/2015 19:16

Look, there comes a point where you are choosing to put yourself through this shit

you are at that point

that is of course your prerogative and we all have free will to fuck our own lives up as much as we like, even for the likes of a loser like this

however, your children have no choice in the matter and if you carry on down this path you will actually end up being no better than he is

is that what you envisaged for yourself in life ?

Gfplux · 15/01/2015 19:22

Anyfucker said,
"Look, there comes a point where you are choosing to put yourself through this shit
you are at that point
that is of course your prerogative and we all have free will to fuck our own lives up as much as we like, even for the likes of a loser like this
however, your children have no choice in the matter and if you carry on down this path you will actually end up being no better than he is
is that what you envisaged for yourself in life ?"

I just can not think of anything better to say.

gamerchick · 15/01/2015 19:25

It's weird I was wondering if you were with my ex for a few startling moments.

Put the twat out and put all of your energise into keeping him out. That is the hardest part as it took me a long time to get rid of my parasite and even then it took moving on with my now husband.

Pack his things and tell him to do one before you have him removed.

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