Husband says hurtful things but no apology

[Myb0yrulez]

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have a little boy together who we both adore more than anything. We have a few major relationship issues. To cut a long story short, I have been ill for months, i'm getting stronger now but not perfect, my husband has back issues and gets grouchy, he also builds things up and creates issues from nothing and snaps and says hurtful things and then expects me to forgive him when his mood improves without an apology (or a decent apology) he sometimes does halfhearted sorry 'but's' and spends ages justifying his behaviour.

So life has been tough, he has been helping out when I've been ill, he's been helping out with my elderly donkey (just an hour twice a week) but he is resenting it and on Sat he didn't want to help so I said I would do it but then my son who is only 2 didn't want me to keave him as he was feeling a little off colour and tired (he wanted a cuddle) so I asked my husband to help out, he ranted told me I don't help out when I go there (I sometimes go for the ride in the car but not really well enough to do a lot) and I could go today or call my family ( they are not very helpful and due to another situation I don't feel comfortable asking them for help, so basically I said that it's no big deal and I have more important things to worry about to which he sarcastically replied "what could you possibly have to worry about!" I was offended, it was obviously a dig at being a stay at home mum. So he did go and help with a lot of ranting and moaning and came back and gave me a kiss like nothing had happened, I pulled away and said that he has ruined the weekend, he marched upstairs ranted more, we went to sleep that night, next day still not speaking, still no apology, still grumpy, wrote a very confusing letter justifying himself with a half hearted sorry but on it and I just ignored it, all I wanted was for him to actually be sorry and realise that he can't speak to me kike that out of respect, but he kept justifying his behaviour, saying it's understandable and then we go out as a family as that was what our son wanted (my husband wanted it to be just him and my son) we come back and he starts trying to talk but again he is justifying it, no apology, in the end I ended up short of breath, didn't want an asthma attack (not the 1st time I have had a severe asthma attack because of his atmosphere and picking at me when I was ill recently) so I asked him to leave, he left for 10 hrs in the car driving around with his phone off, when I eventually get hold of him, can't get him to apologise, he is deluded, comes home at 3 in the morning, apologises the next day and then the day after starts justifying it again and suggesting he moves iut and we have a relationship but separate lives !! I don't know, these arguments are getting more frequent and worse and he doesn't make an effort to apologise when he upsets me, he says ' you want me to grovel to you well i'm not doing it! ' Is it me or is this unreasonable, because he thinks that I am oversensitive and should just let it go as soon as he comes down off his mood but I can't just turn my feelings off when I have been upset.

Sorry to go on, honest opinions needed please...

xxxx

Hmm I don't know, my ex always apologised with a sorry but, which I take as a 'I'm sorry that happened, and I want to tell you why'. However, he was always after apologies from me, appologese with no explanation and to what he considered to be an exceptable level. He seemed obsessed with making me apologise in the end, but that didn't do anything to improve our relationship where as being to discuss things might have. It did feel controlling. Have you thought about trying Relate?

"What do you have to worry about"?

"Being married to a twat like you, for a start."

Hi, Thank you for your messages, Yes I've booked in at relate, see what happens, I hope that I am not being controlling, I can see that it can sometimes look that way, I think what happens is he says something unkind and then moves on, gets over his mood and expects me to do so aswell, just like that as soon as he has, which I find strange and at that stage I am upset so I end up wanting a heartfelt apology in order to move on - I don't mind him explaining why he did what he did but I prefer him to appear to actually be sorry - e.g. rather than saying,"I am sorry for the hurtful things I said, I know that it wasn't nice and I will try not to do it again - I did it because..... but I know that I react wrong." instead of that, he will say look i'm sorry ok but you can surely understand why considering blah blah blah...and then he will go on for ages about the reasons. Maybe I should just accept the more half hearted apology...and find a way to move on myself even if I am upset...

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

This reads as death by 1000 cuts. I would think your H has been abusive throughout your marriage and for some reason is now further ramping up the power and control against you.

Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships here; he could all too easily grow up to be a carbon copy of his dad because this is what he is seeing from him. You're also showing your son that this treatment of you is to you acceptable currently.

I sincerely hope you are seeing Relate on your own; if this is a joint appointment then it needs to be cancelled. I would also seriously now consider talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Thank you for your message but no he has never been violent or abusive, just grumpy and snappy.

I would second Relate - there appear to be some serious communication issues here but with help, they may well be solvable. Good luck x

He doesn't sound very nice OP, he goes in the huff if you dare to question him, grumps around and ignores you until he sees fit to allow you to talk to him again, if I am reading that right. So unhealthy and whether or not he is violent, he's definitely sounding borderline abusive and this will be affecting our child, don't kid yourself. He sounds like he doesn't even like you, where is the respect? I don't know how you get through to someone who seems to always think they are in the right.

Where was his support when you were ill or was that just a major inconvenience to him.

Oh no I don't think you should just suck it up as it were, I was more thinking that maybe you are just very different in the way that you deal with emotional conflict and maybe that's where this stems from? Which is why I suggested Relate, I'm glad you've made an appointment and I really hope it helps

I am assertive and make sure that I stand for what I feel is right with people including my husband as I am not afraid of him,( the asthma attack happened because I was already short of breath with my illness and then add to the mix an unreasonable husband, I think that it esculated into an asthma attack) I just would like more empathy, kindness, respect and apologies when he is out of line so that the atmosphere goes away and everyone is happy. Luckily we don't discuss things in front of my son and he hasn't seen any of this, he is very happy and oblivious but it can't go on like this because I think that he could easily pick up on it. That is why I am going to relate as I don't want him to grow up in a dysfunctional family, I would prefer to stay with my husband but it is getting to the stage where we both agree it is the last ditch attempt to try to get on better. His moods change day to day, when he is good he is very good (kind and loving) and when he is bad he is horrid (grumpy, moaning, building things up, low) I will be thinking everythings great and then the next day back to square 1.

He drove around for ten hours? That's a load of rubbish, I wouldn't believe that for a second. Sounds to me like he's trying to engineer a conflict between you....which makes me wonder what he's up to.

Suggesting he moves out and you have desperate lives? What the feck is he up to?

Thank you for all your messages guys, it is nice to hear other points of view. I think that we are different in how we resolve conflict and it would be healthy if we could come to an agreement with the help of Relate as to how to resolve conflict in a better way, I will try Relate as there is nothing to lose...We are booked in for next Weds.

not the 1st time I have had a severe asthma attack because of his atmosphere and picking at me when I was ill recently

This really is not good at all, so every time he grumps about and storms off your child is never there, ever, find that hard to believe.

I also don't believe he drove about for 10 hours.

Also, if you are upset, there's usually a good reason for that, ignoring your own feelings and sparing his is not healthy, nor fair, on you.

What if anything has he or is he doing to address the problems within the relationship. Who called Relate; you or he?. Looks like you did. He is basically blaming you for his outbursts; he is really taking no responsibility for his actions at all here.

Abusers are not nasty all the time; if they were no-one would want to be with them. You seem to he stuck still in the nice/nasty cycle with him but it is a continuous one.

Men like your H like supposedly strong women to bring them further down to their own low level. They see such women as a challenge and he knows far more about your own emotional weaknesses and knows how to get at you. He does not have to hit you to hurt you; he already cuts you down with words and has you worrying about him when he goes off.

Your son may not directly see the conflict but he knows you are unhappy and children are very perceptive. He knows that things are not good at all between the two of you. Is this really what you want to be teaching him about relationships, after all he is learning about relationships from the two of you.

I also wonder whether he has Bipolar or depressionas he shows some mild signs, and his sleep is terrible which doesn't help his mood. so he is booked in to see a Doc as they may be able to help, I know he wouldn't have an affair, he is extremely loyal, he just sits in the car and stews, goes to get a takeaway, stews, listens to music, stews some more, ignores my calls, stews some more, sleeps, stews some more, childish I know!

Be prepared for the possibility that he may well use this Relate session as a further stick to beat you with. He is already adept at blaming you.

He acts like this also because he can.

And when he goes off in a strop, stop calling him. That makes you look really desperate and weak. You are not his mother.

So for ten hours he entertains himself sitting in his car listening to music, eats a takeaway in the car too and ignores you, I just find that really hard to believe.

Whether he is bipolar or not what is HE suggesting HE does to control his temper, this is all about you trying to fix him, you can't, doesn't sound like is remotely interested in stopping his hurtful words, nobody has the right to speak to anyone in a hurtful manner, it's bullying plain and simple.

He is not your project to rescue and or save here. You cannot fix what is not beyond the realms of possibly a failing relationship here on your own.
I would also read up on co-dependency within a relationship and see how much of that actually resonates with your own behaviours now.

Thank you for your answers guys, No I definitely do not want to teach my son the wrong things about relationships, he is my absolute priority and if Relate cannot help then we will have to separate permanently and as amicably as possible. I was the one that rang relate today, enough is enough!!!

"No I definitely do not want to teach my son the wrong things about relationships, he is my absolute priority and if Relate cannot help then we will have to separate permanently and as amicably as possible".

I would make the above your mantra and I hope too that you stick to this.

I very much doubt that your H would make any separation at all amicable going forward; he will likely be as obstinate as possible as further "punishment" to you for actually leaving him.

On MN people sometimes suggest putting down issues on paper or in an email if the atmosphere gets too volatile to discuss things calmly. Unfortunately as you want an apology and DH has no intention of climbing down, and wants to emphasise what he has already lectured you on, that's no help.

Similarly it's often a good idea to step back, give each other space - but I don't see how him driving off and staying out of contact before rolling in at 3 am accomplished anything.

Unless he is willing to change his method of attack + complain he is going to continue to

Treat you like a child, or as an inferior;
Ignore you, won't listen to you or your opinion;
Be disrespectful / rude eg display exaggerated exasperation, condescension;
Heap criticism on you or give you unasked for advice.

Telling him he had 'ruined the weekend' may have added fuel to the flames but this must be a miserable way of communicating. When you say he makes a big issue out of things and loses perspective are they subjects that crop up often or random topics? You felt got at for being a SAHM is that a long running saga or something he latched onto recently?

Assuming his back issues are genuine and not some kind of competitive ache vying with your health issues, if he uses his back to explain away his grumpiness he should mention it while at his appointment with his GP. Back or neck pain can be caused by stress and suppressed rage so although he is currently "all bark and no bite" I wouldn't be lulled by occasional good calm days into thinking he won't hurt me, that's not his way.

Although it's only fleetingly alluded to it's even more important to feel your spouse is on the same team if there are any problems with the extended family so good luck.

Thanks you for your answers, it's kind of you to take the time...It's interesting that you say that because that is generally how we communicate unless our son is asleep as we don't want negative talk around him and it does help as I am probably better at putting things down on paper than talking at times.

I think that you are right, he will carry on treating me this way unless something major changes, i'm starting to lose hope that it will but I will try Relate, although this evening he is saying that it will cost a fortune and could we not just buy a book, ( he constantly worries about money) but for me it's Relate or Separation as it's not good for all of us.

On his back, yes he has a medically diagnosed back spinal issue which causes much pain, he takes painkillers and has physio which helps to a certain degree but he still gets pain a lot.

referring to a previous post - yes I will look up Co-dependency.

I read this situation somewhat differently from other posters & wonder if you are depressed as much as or rather than yr husband? Also I do think you need to think about how you & the way you communicate is also contributing to the situation between you.

As a SAHM you would usually do most domestic tasks while yr husband is working outside the home - leaving you both with an equitable amount of 'free' time. As you have been ill I presume you have not been able to do this so yr husband has had to do more at home too. Have you told him how much you appreciate this? The double shift of waged work & domestic tasks as well (speaking as a single parent who has to do this) is tough & very tiring. If someone told me to leave on top of that & I had nowhere to go except the car I would be pretty aggrieved.

Hi, no I still do the lion share of the housework, he helps with my donkey twice a week (just basic stuff) but I can't do outdoors too much when i'm ill as I end up with a terrible night, but I do the washing up, washing, tidying, cleaning bathrooms etc. But yes I do feel a bit down, my family treats me with no respect and bitches constantly about me, I've had a terrible winter with my health and that is the major thing that gets to me. But when I feel down I am good at picking myself up and was feeling a lot better when this happened so maybe it did hit me harder because I really wanted a nice enjoyable weekend with my family now that i'm better. I don't like having negativity and moods around.

But I do love my husband and really really really miss my best friend.

Thank you for your reply,Oh and yes I have told him how much I appreciate his help many times as I would have really struggled without it, at times it would have been almost impossible without him.