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Relationships

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Original poster

What are my options with this pregnancy?

54 replies

Pandore · 14/01/2015 11:16

Dh and I split up 8 months and we've both had other partners. We are hoping to try and make our marriage work, the problem is that I am pregnant with my ex partners child.

Dh would like me to have an abortion. Ex partner wants me to have baby and reconcile with him, and even if we don't reconcile he would take full responsibility of the child.

I would like to try and make my marriage work, but this is going to mean an abortion.

OP posts:

SoonToBeSix · 14/01/2015 11:18

Could you really love someone who wants you to abort your child?

doobyscoo · 14/01/2015 11:22

Well your options are do what YOU want and take them both out of the equation.

Isetan · 14/01/2015 11:23

If your H won't entertain a reconciliation without you first having an abortion then you have a choice to make. The choice is not going to be an easy one but it is simple.

cailindana · 14/01/2015 11:25

Your options are to keep it or terminate. What your H and partner want is essentially irrelevant, you absolutely cannot make a decision based on what they say because you are the one who will have to terminate/carry the baby.

Original poster

Pandore · 14/01/2015 11:25

We already have three DC, I couldn't cope being a single mum of three children and a baby.

OP posts:

cailindana · 14/01/2015 11:27

You have to take that into account then. Do you want the baby?

Original poster

Pandore · 14/01/2015 11:27

I don't think do could raise another mans child as his own, when the other man is in the picture. I also don't think my ex partner would allow do to raise his child. It's such a mess.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 14/01/2015 11:31

Forget what the men in your life want. This has to be about you, and only you.

Do YOU want a baby?

What you can't do is make a decision and for you and these men to use this as manipulation.

This is your decision and yours alone. Only after you've made that decision can you then move on and work out where you go in terms of relationships.

ClaireRalph · 14/01/2015 11:31

Would your husband accept you carrying the baby and then giving it up for adoption (either by the ex partner, or another family who could give it a loving home)?
If my H would only reconcile with me on the basis of aborting my child I would run a mile, but that's just my initial reaction

ClariceBeanthatsme · 14/01/2015 11:31

If I were in your situation and there was a chance I could make my marriage work and for the sake of the children I already have I would have the abortion.
Sorry you are in such a horrible situation

ClariceBeanthatsme · 14/01/2015 11:32

Sorry if that was too blunt

SoonToBeSix · 14/01/2015 11:37

Of course you could cope as a single mum of four. Many women do, your circumstances are not so unique that you couldn't possibly cope. At the end of the day you got yourself into this situation and it looks like you are looking for the easiest way out for yourself. Have you considered how the father of the baby feels?

Original poster

Pandore · 14/01/2015 11:41

I want what's best for my three existing children. I wouldn't want to bring another child into the world, to a very unstable situation, whilst at the same time making life very unstable for my other three too.

OP posts:

evenherfartsarefragrant1 · 14/01/2015 11:47

Your H might not want someone else's child. But this isn't just about the partner or the h. This is also your child.
When you got pregnant did YOU want another DC?
What would be the ideal for you?
Have you communicated this to H?
You need to decide, for you.

Quitelikely · 14/01/2015 11:55

In your shoes I would have an abortion. You don't owe it to your ex to have this baby and you have said you don't really want another owing to the fact you already have three dc and you don't want to run the risk of being a single mum to four dc.

Good luck whatever you do.

dirtybadger · 14/01/2015 11:55

Do you want another child? No? Terminate. Yes? Continue with pregnancy.

I think you need to assume you'll be a single mum. The situation sounds very messy and even if your DH said he would reconcile with baby, things might not work out.

I'm also very skeptical about the marriage working out. Sounds like a lot has gone on in 8 months (let alone before, resulting in the breakdown of the marriage). If you terminate, don't rush back. Consider how confusing it'll be for the kids if you break up again. Take it slow.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/01/2015 11:58

You posted about this before, I think?

BolshierAyraStark · 14/01/2015 12:17

I'd consider what you want & also what is best for your DC, forget about the men in your life for now.

HootyMcTooty · 14/01/2015 12:22

What do you want? Everything else is just white noise.

Meerka · 14/01/2015 12:41

I have to say I feel for your ex. He got involved with you, both of you acting in good faith. You got pregnant and now, again in good faith, you want to make a go of it with your husband. I do think he is in a sad position. He's also stepping up to the mark and prepared to take full responsibility which would help.

Might adoption by your ex be possible?

Like others I'd be extremely unhappy with an ultimatum from an estranged husband that I had to terminate, but that's just me. The hard fact is though that you have to do what is right for you and your existing children.

Two further questions: do you really think there is a long term good chance for you and your husband? there are never any guarentees ofc, but is there a realistic possibility it will work? If there isnt then I don't think his demand should come into the balance sheet of pros and cons.

Secondly, different women have different reactions to a termination but for you, is this something you can be happy with long term? If the answer is yes, then perhaps that is best. If the answer is that you would regret it then perhaps the other choice is best, whether or not you allow your ex to adopt.

Original poster

Pandore · 14/01/2015 13:27

Thanks for all your replies and support. I'm still pretty confused. My heart says keep it, my head says I can't.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pandore · 14/01/2015 14:09

In just feeling pressure from both sides, neither of who seem to care what's best for me.

OP posts:

HootyMcTooty · 14/01/2015 14:14

If neither man seems to care about you, why are you considering a future with either of them?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/01/2015 14:14

That's why it might be best to go it alone, pandore.

You must be under an awful lot of pressure- if it's you who wrote the previous thread- I don't think either of these men are right for you.

beachysandy75 · 14/01/2015 14:23

Well it is a really hard choice. I think you need to be thinking about your existing children and what would be the best option for them in the long term. Sounds like they have been through a lot of changes in the last year already.

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