What are my options with this pregnancy?

[Pandore]

Dh and I split up 8 months and we've both had other partners. We are hoping to try and make our marriage work, the problem is that I am pregnant with my ex partners child.

Dh would like me to have an abortion. Ex partner wants me to have baby and reconcile with him, and even if we don't reconcile he would take full responsibility of the child.

I would like to try and make my marriage work, but this is going to mean an abortion.

If your heart says keep it, then there is your answer.

If you did terminate knowing in your heart that you wanted to go ahead, you would always resent your 'D'H for making you do it. The relationship would be dead in the water from the start.

I'm as pro-choice as they come btw, but that presupposes that it is a free choice. This one wouldn't be.

Practically speaking I must admit, the financial security I would have with dh plays a part. we're not overly well off but have our own home. He's a very hands on dad and the DC adore him.

Ex partner has a lot less to offer in terms of financial security, no chance of a mortgage, rents his home. He gets on with DC ok, but I'm very much a single parent.

I would worry about where we'd live and how we'd support ourselves.

All the financial security in the world will mean nothing if you can't bear to be in the same room as him.

You talk as if it's a choice between two men- it isn't.
You left dh for this volatile man, right?
Will you not consider being alone?

and the DC adore him.

You know, Im coming to mistrust that phrase.

Are you very sure of that? Maybe I've read too much Mumsnet but it's noticeable that many people who are unhappily married give the reason for not splitting up as "the children adore him".

Why was it that you and your husband split?

Thanks all. We split because I thought I was falling for someone else. Dh drank too much and really didn't invest in our relationship at all. I often felt it was me doing all the work in our relationship and that he just didn't care.

He'll drink too much and not care again after a while.

Do you want to be a single mother of 3 or 4?

Um.

this decision is very much yours.

But ... you split for good reasons, that your husband drank too much and didn't invest and didn't do the hard work (how was he with the kids? did he actually pull his weight and do the hard stuff, or was he just there for the nice times? did the kids vie for his attention when actually, he was hard to get for them? if that's the case (if) then naturally they adore him. You don't show anger towards someone you're desperately trying to please so they notice you).

Now he refuses to consider going back unless you terminate, if I understnad right?

I can really understand the financial aspect.

But are you quite sure you won't end up in the same or worse situation with your husband? he sounds a freeloader and it's rare that very lazy people change. And if you go back it'll be harder to leave again, whatever the situation then.

Dh works really hard and did a lot of the childcare, he really was/is a hands on dad. He was never lazy about anything, bar our relationship. He says thus time apart has really been a wake up call for his taking me for granted.

Ex partner was much lazier in terms of housework and general organisation, it was like having another child. although he was never lazy in terms of our relationship which he took very seriously and was always thinking of places to go and things to do, including with my DC.

Op, a few people have said this, but I don't think it's quite sunk through yet.

You can't depend on EITHER of these men to be there for you. Your husband is a complete knob end who chose drink over you AND HIS CHILDREN, and didn't give a shit about the relationship until you left. Your ex boyfriend is a massive question mark, and you have no idea if he will deliver on his current promises of being any help at all or simply fuck off into the sunset.

So assume that you have no man to help you, and you are going this completely alone.

Do you decide to continue the pregnancy or not?

Don't end the pregnancy on the off chance it MIGHT work with your husband, not unless it's a decision you would still be happy with if things didn't work out.

Likewise, don't keep the baby assuming "oh it will all work out somehow" and that your ex boyfriend will be all the support you need, only to find out that actually, your life just got a shit ton more complicated. Unless, again, you are prepared to deal with that if it happens.

You KEEP bringing this back to the two men. But they aren't certainties in your future. If they aren't giving a shit about your well being then you have to give twice as many shits about yourself.

Pandore: re your last post. Those are both shitty extremes of behaviour. There is a huge range of normal, healthy behaviour between the two of them.

If someone offers to shoot you or stab you, or neither, you choose NEITHER.

I suggest you apply that logic to your choice between these men.

It does sound like maybe your husband has woken up. People sometimes do, when enough is on the line ... though not everyone believes that. But it does happen.

The drink is a very big problem though. It -really- is. Don't underestimate it.

Your heart says keep going with the pregnancy.

Is there any chance your husband could come around? Because if your heart wants one thing in the pregnancy, that really does matter pandore. Plus the drink.

Beyond that, to echo kaykay ... If they aren't giving a shit about your well being then you have to give twice as many shits about yourself.

Again ... well, sorry to ask but might you be able to answer? Might adoption by the ex be feasible? (the answer might be a considered No which is fair enough!)

Pandore, do you want the 4th baby or are you just scared of termination and ridden with guilt as this is perceived as a morally negative thing?

I think you need put your existing children first - and go from there. You owe them - not your DH (with whom you split up), not your new partner (as you don't owe him anything) and not this baby who doesn't even exist yet. Your DC have been through the family break-up, the setting up of a new family, the failure of that too, and now are facing yet another change in circumstances. Would they benefit from your reconciliation with their father? Pregnancy and new baby would invariably take away from them a great lot of your time.

As for the men in your life, not saying that things will necessarily work out with DH if you decide to get back together - but him not wanting to raise your lover's child is very understandable and doesn't make him a bad person. So in a way, yes, you might have to choose between the man and the baby but it's OK too.

1sttime - actually I would say that not wanting to raise "another man's child", and making it a deciding factor in their reconciliation does make him a bad person, especially the way he is going about it, which amounts to emotional blackmail. I hate it when people refer to children as "another man's child" anyway as if the woman was just some convenient nesting place for a short term period. The pregnancy is HALF HER AS WELL. But apparently that doesn't matter because HIS genetics aren't involved? Arrogant shit.

If he loves her enough to want to spend his life with her, to accept he made some serious mistakes in the past that he needs to deal with, and wants to make the relationship work because he loves her (as opposed to just he would like his maid and secretary back), then he would;

a) Not make this pregnancy a deciding factor in their reconciliation, because only fucking douchebags would put someone they love under that kind of pressure.
b) If he truly couldn't face the idea of having another man as a third party in the marriage (for child visits and things), then explain it in that vein, kindly, and calmly, but let her know that whatever she decides to do, he will always be there for their three children, will respect her decision either way, and won't judge her whatever she decides.

Instead this seems to have turned into some kind of dick measuring contest with the poor OP - the only one who actually has a fucking decision to make - stuck in the middle of these two idiotic peacocking twats

kaykayred - this isn't arrogant shit. How would OP feel if her DH brought into their family a child from another woman for the OP to raise?

I know I wouldn't want that and equally wouldn't expect any husband to be ok with it. This is something that goes above love same as some people would not consider continuing a relationship after their partner's infidelity, regardless of feelings.

The decision is ultimately OP's of course but she needs to realise that she may be sacrificing a chance for reconciliation of her family (she does have 3 DC with her husband already) for the sake of the baby she isn't sure she wants. It was her mistake too to fall pregnant when things with OM were not stable.

I can see that it's awkward for the husband. Lot of people would react like that.

it would also be awful if he treated the baby differently than his 3 biological children :(

I've been thinking long and hard and although a very scary prospect, I would be ok with going it alone. I would be financially ok (house sale) and will have both fathers close by for practical support.

I would like to keep the baby, I had z termination as a teenager and it's caused me a lot if emotional problems, although I do feel it was the right choice, it's certainly not an easy one.

I worry having three DC already and being very unsure about a termination, whether I could cope with my decision if I did terminate.

And although I absolutely do love my husband, something's changed. We've been spending time together and it just feels odd, I don't know if things would/could ever be the same between us.

Well good luck with it all.

Pandore, I sympathise completely, I really do. But I would still say that it is quite selfish of you to base your decision on your wishes/fears alone. As harsh as it sounds but it is your personal difficulty - whereas you have other people relying on you. Again, don't mean to offend you.

You should not be thinking about you and how you would cope with guilt. You should be thinking about what's best for your existing children and the unborn child. In terms of the life they will have (possibly all four without their father living with them or even without a father in their lives), in terms of finances, in terms of time you can give them.

But that was my thinking when I was in a similar situation. Everyone is different.

But if you made your decision already don't let me to dissuade you.
Best of luck, with everything.

pandore good luck. In such a very hard situation there's no easy answer at all and everyone will have different views.

For what it's worth I think maybe you've made the right decision for your peace of heart and mind, as long as you can survive financially one way or another. If a previous termination has given you regrets and emotional problems - well, if that happened again those emotional problems would impact on your existing children.

This way may turn out to be harder practically but better for you all overall.

pandore - I think whichever decision gives you the most peace of mind is the right decision. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it, they don't have to live with the consequences do they.

I disagree that once you have children, all of a sudden they have to dictate your choices concerning your own body and force you into actions that would cause you mental strain.

I really feel for you Pandore. I feel there has been some good advice here but also some biased advice (which i guess is the point of a forum but i would be concerned if you made a decision based on this alone). Please reach out for some real time support and don't commit to a decision until you know it's right for you, Pandore.

Thanks everyone.

I'm now becoming concerned about the impact of having a 4th child (and possibly being a single parent) on my existing DC, I wish I had a crystal ball!