Feel more like the help than his wife.

[littlehousewifey]

NC. This may be an utterly confusing and rather long ramble, so please bear with me. Some details may also be rather vague, for which I apologise.

DH and I have 2 DC, one relatively "new" and the other in nursery part-time. DH is the earner and works full time, while I am unemployed (which I can barely stand). I can't claim benefits and I don't handle the finances. Money has been a bone of contention between us since I gave up work to be mother. I am given a monthly allowance and the rest is his/bills/groceries. I am generally expected to divide mine between myself and the DC's while his goes on the car when needed, although he tends to use savings for that instead (I don't drive at the moment). Every penny I spend must be accounted for.

The problem is I feel like I am treated more like a servant than an equal in our partnership. I do almost everything (and I mean everything )when it comes to what is considered housework, bar a couple of things. I also stay at home with our less than 6 month old and have our older DC most days, who is incredibly hard work at the moment.

It has recently come to a head. I was discussing my life with a mutual friend and, in short, they said that DH has "got it sorted" with me. In their relationship they appear to share equal responsibility and support each other. They both work (I'm not allowed to go back to work for "financial reasons") and seem to help each other regardless of who is at home and who isn't.

After talking to her I had it out with DH. I had been asking for help for a fortnight before (please could you help DC tidy their toys away/run the hoover round, etc). I wanted to catch up before I returned to work in a new job for training (this is relevant) but DH is like a hurricane and the mess is never ending. We argued and he justified his lack of assistance, as he works full time and does 2 out of the million things it takes to keep a tidy house (one of which he only does because he enjoys it). I asked him when he last even though about hoovering other rooms in the house bar the front room, or considered changing the sheets, or picked up a duster. He was stumped, but then he came out with this absolute blinder. "I expect you to do everything because you are at home every day". I lost it and basically told him that if he didn't change I was leaving.

I went to work, for which he took time off to watch the kids, and he cleaned the house from top to bottom. Lovely. Unfortunately it was nothing more than a sticking plaster and a week and a half later its back to normal. I felt pressured to cease training for my new post as he wanted to spend time with me and the kids if he was taking holiday (because it feels like a waste otherwise, apparently), so again I'm no longer going back to work. I'm really embarrassed about this so I told family and friends I was unwell but realistically I just don't think I am allowed to have any sort of freedom that doesn't somehow involve him.

I have no idea where to go from here. I think I want to leave DH and live on my own with the children. I don't think I am in love with him any more. I love him, of course, but he feels like a friend rather than a lover. I am terrified of dividing our family, of divorce and ultimately hurting DH. He is a good man, a kind and loving person but I think he is just incredibly thoughtless. Then again if I was alone I would have a life and some sort of independence. I don't even think I would want a relationship with anyone else, not for a long time anyway. I just feel like I have completely lost myself and I really want to reclaim my life again.

Holy fuck that's incredibly long. Sorry! It's also likely to out me if my friend reads if but frankly, I don't are any more.

There is far more to it, too, but I will leave you with this. Thank you, if you managed to get this far

If I was you I would certainly go back to work. It's what you want to do and I'm sure that your children will be well provided for in childcare.

Do not let him dictate your life. When we tell our partner we are unhappy about something they are supposed to contribute appropriately to help solve the situation.

So why did he say you can't go back to work?

He doesn't sound like a kind and loving person, or a good man. A kind and loving husband would share both money and domestic responsibilities with you and support you in your ambitions. He isn't doing those things.

Sorry, OP, but you can't say your dh 'is a good man, a kind and loving person but I think he is just incredibly thoughtless' and then say he doesn't 'allow' you to do things. That's not the hallmark of a kind or loving man.

He sounds controlling and abusive. Doesn't allow you to work? Doesn't discuss things with you? Wants everything his own way? Controls money, to the extent that 'Every penny I spend must be accounted for'.

He wants you at home by yourself looking after the kids, isolated and under his control. Is there any point talking to him? Doesn't sound like he wants to change or sees the need to change. :(

As a SAHM myself I've always worked in the premise that housework etc takes less time and is less intensive than DH's job so I have always done it all since I was off. However there are times when I've struggled and I let DH know and he takes on chores as well to get through the bad patch, I liken this to him needing to do overtime sometimes due to volume of work.

Our finances work by considering all household income minus all household expenses to leave the disposable income. This is then halved and I get that transferred into my current account so there is no justification needed of mine, or his personal spending. Therefore we NEVER argue about money.

In your case it sounds like he is very controlling. That having kids has meant you are the one making all the sacrifices and compromises and that doesn't like like an equal partnership at all.

Tbh I think you need to have a very serious talk about what he sees as fair and what you see as fair to see if this marriage is savable based in just the practicalities. The matter of your feelings may well be being skewed by reacting to your current inequality so if the practical matters can be resolved I'd do that and give it a chance before reassessing your feelings then.

Good luck

Thank you for your kind words. I have a lot to think about where all this is concerned.

Quitelikely He says that if I went back to work we wouldn't be able to afford childcare for the DC's, and that DC2 is far too young to be in childcare at under 6 months. It makes him feel uncomfortable to think of strangers looking after her

strongandlong He does share the money, I guess. We have a "pot" of family money for the week for activities, which I tend not to touch as whenever I do he appears to begrudge the spend (like buying lunch for DC1 and I if I pop out, then he will tell me we now cant go out and do xxxx as a family at the weekend).

CocktailQueen I think I might have over exaggerated with money being accounted for. It's a little more passive aggressive I guess. He will ask me what I've bought then frown at me when I tell him, usually with the comment "Well it's your money, babe". I do pull him up on it but it doesn't seem to get it. I really want him to change, but its like a broken record.

Joysmum Thank you for your insight. Like you I don't mind keeping my house tidy for my family, but when it gets to the point where I can't cope and DH just drags his feet and complains about my request it grinds me down. I have sacrificed everything to have the children and it's soul destroying to be honest.

Our income tends to work the same way. Disposable income is divided and we put aside a "pot" for family activities (like above, me and DC going out for lunch during the day) but it's as if DH has an insatiable need to know everything it's spent on!

I need to have a serious think about what I want and a good, long chat with DH about equality in our relationship. You might be right about my feelings being skewed by the current pressure I feel under, but I just don't know.

[Thanks] Thank you everyone. Don't be too kind though, I'm already sat here in tears!

"I want him to change..."

and therein likes the crux of what is keeping you in a relationship with a controlling man who makes you unhappy.

If I told you: he is not going to change, what would your next step be?

He is not going to change.

You say he feels like a friend rather than a lover.

Sorry, but this guy is not even your friend. I think you need to rethink your definition of friendship.

Can you afford childcare for the two of them?

If you can then it's a no brainer. If you can't then I think he does have a say in it.........

Nobody can tell you that you aren't allowed to return to work. You are an adult, and don't need permission.

He is a not good man, a kind and loving person

Controlling what you spend to the penny like that is borderline financial abuse.

Do you get child benefit/ child tax credits?

You need to have equal access to disposable spending money to do with as you see fit.

He isn't valuing the unpaid work you are doing.

Sit down with him and imagine you die (sorry). How much will he have to pay out to get someone to do everything you do? Get him to think about that and maybe he will start valuing you.

If not and you still feel like this, consider leaving sooner rather than later- imo it's easier for the DCs than their parents splitting when they are older.

If you can't claim benefits then I presume its because he earns too much?

So with you earning a wage, and his wage, plus taking into consideration your other outgoings, do you agree that you 'couldn't afford' childcare?

I felt pressured to cease training for my new post as he wanted to spend time with me and the kids if he was taking holiday (because it feels like a waste otherwise, apparently), so again I'm no longer going back to work.

How exactly did you feel pressured, OP? It strikes me that this man wants you at home and under his thumb and is more than happy to put up multiple objections to make sure you don't change the status quo. In the course of this thread it's been because he doesn't want his child looked after by strangers, because you can't afford it and because you should be available to him during his time off. Look at the way he asserts his ownership of the family pot of money. You've bought lunch so now he decides you all can't do [x] at the weekend. On what basis? If you can see there's enough money left in the pot to pay for that activity, who made him the boss of how it gets spent?

Nothing you've described is kind and loving.

Btw I think it's demeaning to have one pot of money which is for kids' stuff and for you. Like it's some kind of 'benevolent' (not very) fund for dependents. Kids' stuff is a joint expense, and should take priority over both of your discretionary spending. You should have a separate pot of money that's for you alone.

However, in your case I think you need to get back to work. You want to do it and in this case your DH's attitude to you not working is unacceptable.

When I was 22 I lived with a man. Loooong time ago. Anyway, I was only able to get part time work for a while. We lived in a shared house with some other young folk. I paid my own rent. We used to argue a lot about housework and one day he said "I just want to come home and find you've done everything". That was the beginning of me leaving. I found a full time job and was gone.

Different situation, but I would advise you to do the same.

Do you think your relationship would work if you didn't feel like the 'help'? ie if you did work and if he did contribute to the chores? I'm not surprised you want to leave tbh, but I wonder if you have considered making these changes first, and then see how you feel?

I do think you need to tell him straight, that things change significantly, right now, or your marriage is in real trouble.

I felt pressured to cease training for my new post as he wanted to spend time with me and the kids if he was taking holiday (because it feels like a waste otherwise, apparently), so ....I'm no longer going back to work.

There's more that's of concern in your post, but this left me horror struck. You can't work, or do training for work - because of what he wants during his time off??

Your H is selfish and financially controlling. He is also happy to stifle your personal development and earning ability, so that he has full control over you. When you say I just don't think I am allowed to have any sort of freedom that doesn't somehow involve him I think you are spot on. This is not good, not kind, and not loving OP...

It makes me really sad to read some of the comments above. I look at DH and I just don't see a controlling or abusive person. He is so happy and friendly, if a little pedantic and passive aggressive. He never shouts at me or gets angry or anything like that. When I think of controlling and abusive I think of angry, shouty men. Is it normal that I don't see it? No one else appears to either.

I mean, when I talk to him about going to work or studying he says all the right things and then picks holes in my plans and ambitions in the same breath, but he is so nice about it. I'll get upset or angry but ultimately I don't go ahead and do what I want anyway because I am filled with doubt.

I just feel so worn down. I don't even have faith in my own abilities any more.

He doesnt have to get angry to control you though does he?. hes managing fine to control you by saying the 'right' things but then putting objections in your way. So ultimately you still do what he wants, which is stay home, make his life comfortable while yours withers on the vine

I'm not allowed to go back to work for "financial reasons"

This does not compute with me.

Why are you agreeing to this nonsense?

Picking holes in your plans and making you feel worn down are signs of unpleasantly controlling behaviour. Abuse doesn't have to be shouting and angry. There are much more subtle ways that are also abusive.

Even if he isn't, wouldn't it be nice to have a man who encouragement you to go back to work because it made you happy? Or who gave you some independence?

Why not test 'Nicey Nicey'. Tell him his rule of subtle control is over, you are going back to work and he is going to help more in the house. See what he does then.

"He is so happy and friendly, if a little pedantic and passive aggressive. He never shouts at me or gets angry or anything like that".

He does not have to shout at you to control you. He has used and uses a variety of ways to control you and bring you down. He puts doubts in your mind and keeps them there. You are really being controlled here, He enjoys you being totally dependent on him. You do everything at home and he does not want you to have a life of your own outside of that gilded cage and it is a cage he has created for you.

I would read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; you will find your H within those pages. And such people do not change.

You stated earlier you wanted to leave DH and live on your own with your children; this really is the best option for you and your children going forward,

He has not and does not care about hurting you here and yet you worry about hurting him. He is incapable of feeling hurt from you. He does not think that any aspect of his behaviour towards you is at all wrong.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would also take a long hard look at his parents here; I would think you would find that either one or even worse both of them show such similar controlling type behaviours.

It would not also surprise me at all if you were to write that he is all lovely and nice to those in the outside world. Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world.

Controlling behaviour like he shows you is abusive behaviour, no two ways about it.