Feel more like the help than his wife.

[littlehousewifey]

NC. This may be an utterly confusing and rather long ramble, so please bear with me. Some details may also be rather vague, for which I apologise.

DH and I have 2 DC, one relatively "new" and the other in nursery part-time. DH is the earner and works full time, while I am unemployed (which I can barely stand). I can't claim benefits and I don't handle the finances. Money has been a bone of contention between us since I gave up work to be mother. I am given a monthly allowance and the rest is his/bills/groceries. I am generally expected to divide mine between myself and the DC's while his goes on the car when needed, although he tends to use savings for that instead (I don't drive at the moment). Every penny I spend must be accounted for.

The problem is I feel like I am treated more like a servant than an equal in our partnership. I do almost everything (and I mean everything )when it comes to what is considered housework, bar a couple of things. I also stay at home with our less than 6 month old and have our older DC most days, who is incredibly hard work at the moment.

It has recently come to a head. I was discussing my life with a mutual friend and, in short, they said that DH has "got it sorted" with me. In their relationship they appear to share equal responsibility and support each other. They both work (I'm not allowed to go back to work for "financial reasons") and seem to help each other regardless of who is at home and who isn't.

After talking to her I had it out with DH. I had been asking for help for a fortnight before (please could you help DC tidy their toys away/run the hoover round, etc). I wanted to catch up before I returned to work in a new job for training (this is relevant) but DH is like a hurricane and the mess is never ending. We argued and he justified his lack of assistance, as he works full time and does 2 out of the million things it takes to keep a tidy house (one of which he only does because he enjoys it). I asked him when he last even though about hoovering other rooms in the house bar the front room, or considered changing the sheets, or picked up a duster. He was stumped, but then he came out with this absolute blinder. "I expect you to do everything because you are at home every day". I lost it and basically told him that if he didn't change I was leaving.

I went to work, for which he took time off to watch the kids, and he cleaned the house from top to bottom. Lovely. Unfortunately it was nothing more than a sticking plaster and a week and a half later its back to normal. I felt pressured to cease training for my new post as he wanted to spend time with me and the kids if he was taking holiday (because it feels like a waste otherwise, apparently), so again I'm no longer going back to work. I'm really embarrassed about this so I told family and friends I was unwell but realistically I just don't think I am allowed to have any sort of freedom that doesn't somehow involve him.

I have no idea where to go from here. I think I want to leave DH and live on my own with the children. I don't think I am in love with him any more. I love him, of course, but he feels like a friend rather than a lover. I am terrified of dividing our family, of divorce and ultimately hurting DH. He is a good man, a kind and loving person but I think he is just incredibly thoughtless. Then again if I was alone I would have a life and some sort of independence. I don't even think I would want a relationship with anyone else, not for a long time anyway. I just feel like I have completely lost myself and I really want to reclaim my life again.

Sorry to say this OP but his behaviour is very controlling.

He has you exactly where he wants you.

He's a very good manipulator.

These types of men make my blood boil.

Up to you if you want to be treated as a second class citizen, practical skivvy or not.

I hope not.

I felt pressured to cease training for my new post as he wanted to spend time with me and the kids if he was taking holiday (because it feels like a waste otherwise, apparently), so again I'm no longer going back to work.

I had exactly the same with my exH. He would go on work 'trips' jollies up to a week a month, I was a SAHM with 3 dc. I wanted to do a week-long (actually 5 days) language course; he complained, saying if he had to take holiday to look after the dc, he wanted it to be together. He said he spent enough time away from the family, and his 'holiday' time was precious... all the right things (spend time as a family, being together) but the end result was that he was free to travel and see the world, while I was stuck at home.

Did you note the EXH?

Same as ptumbi

Ex-h protesting at time off work to look after dd2 who was recuperating from an operation on the basis that he earned more money than me (I could not get time off at such short notice). Then stayed at home with a face like thunder. Then due to the stress his behaviour became outright contemptuous and bizarre. At the end of the week I left him.

It took me ten years, but you see how it starts with the sense of entitlement......?

It was the straw-that-broke-the-camels-back.

I should have left so much sooner. I don't regret it all all: best thing for me and my dd's.

Ex h ruined so many important events in my life. It's a hallmark of abusive behaviour. If you look closely, OP, or if you leave it long enough, you'll see a pattern.

Would you tell him he couldn't go back to work because of the cost of childcare? Or would you take responsibility for the childcare costs yourself and support him in what he wants to do.

He just wants you at home skivying for his benefit. He doesn't care about what you want at all. This is not a good man.

Setting your DH aside for the moment, you are obviously not happy being a SAHM and that will have much worse repercussions on your children than being looked after by strangers.

Get back to work ASAP OP. You will be working for your pension, future earnings, self esteem and independence. These things have great value and are worth a relatively small time of low/zero earnings while you (and DH- it is his responsibility too) have child care to pay for.

I went back when each child was six months old and do not regret it for a moment. They are teenagers now and weren't remotely traumatised by being in a nursery. While the grandparents raised their eyebrows DH totally supported my choice as he could see it was best for me and hence for the family.

OP - If you wouldn't be able to go back to work full time, then could you look for something on a part time basis? That way you aren't paying the full whack for all day nursery fees five days a week. Even if it ends up that the overall finances of the household aren't any better, it will give you some relief, and means that you are "back in the game" that much earlier, which means you can hopefully progress quicker when you are able to go back full time.

Really your finances should be:

All the money both of you earn goes into one joint account. Bills and food and child expenses come out that account directly. Perhaps a small amount goes into a joint savings account, and then the rest of it is split in half between you.

I think you do need to consider your own role in this as well though - in one breath you say you are struggling with the SAHM role (and I do NOT judge you in any way for that), but in the next say you couldn't imagine going back to work and leaving your child in care. Well, which is it?

Six months isn't too young to start going to creche by the way, even if it might feel very young from your perspective. In France, working mothers send their kids to creche at 3 months old, due to the maternity leave structure. Works just fine.

On the spending issue, when he asks what you bought, why not just evade the whole scenario by saying "oh just some stuff". Why does he need to know? It's not like you're going out and buying ten pairs of louboutins...

If he persists, just start doing the same to him "Hey, so what did you buy at the weekend? Oh....frown, well, you know, it's up to you I guess...patronising face"

So you think he is not abusive and not controlling? But we are making you question that?

Test him.

Decide you are going back to work and then do it.

Whenever he says anything negative about it, however well-intentioned sounding, say something like "I'm sure we'll find a way to make it OK. I am definitely going back to work by ." Do not waver.

If he is not abusive, just a bit selfish and dim, then he'll get used to the idea and it'll all be fine.

If he is abusive, he'll try out all sorts of tactics to make you bend to his will.

You'll have to be vigilant, examine everything he says and does, "is he expecting the effect of these words/actions to make me less inclined to work."

By the way, he should be paying for half of the childcare when you are working. If he expects you to pay the full whack out of your salary then that's bang out of order. It means he thinks that looking after the children is your primary job and generally not his problem.

He is financially abusive. You need to go back to work big time.

Twinklestein I said this to him. He just argued with me. I backed down because I am a fucking coward and, after finishing my dinner, calmly told him I was going to bed. He accused me of insulting him and then swanning off to bed for a good night sleep while he was "left to stew".

ptumbi and Handywoman did your ExH's ever say to you that they would much rather be at home, that the grass isn't always greener and that they had no choice because they were the higher earner?

I am already starting to see the pattern in this. Handywoman you mentioned your ExH ruined many important events in your life and it reminds me of the two times I was offered an interview for my absolute DREAM job. It comes up rarely and is quite specialist and difficult to get into. Both times I didn't even get to attend the interview because he made it sound so entirely impossible with DC1 and childcare.

kaykayred I made this suggestion, too, regarding part time work. He made it clear there was no point if we were only going to break even. He has since suggested that I volunteer for a day a week and I made it clear that if he thinks I can do that then I might as well get paid for it.

Also, just to clarify, I would gladly send DC2 to childcare at her age. It is my DH that doesn't like the idea.

I think he is backing down with the work thing, although he seems to still feel the need to have a certain amount of control. He seems to resent the idea that I might work shift patterns, meaning I might have some child free afternoons off. He makes a huge deal out of the fact he is forced to work and has no time to himself otherwise. It makes me feel rather guilty.

I think I am just going to have to take the bull by the horns and do what I need to do for my own well being. If I get a job that I like, doing the hours that I want to and he can't accept it then I will leave him. I can't go on like this. I don't want to get another 5 years down the line and regret not just going for it when I had the support of you lovely ladies.

HotChocWithMarshmallows I don't know. I have wondered for a while if he is abusive and just very good at covering it, and the comments on this thread are making me question it further. The doubt has been there for a while, however I felt I might be being over dramatic about it, as I am made to feel. I am going to take your advice and test the waters here.

I am worried, really worried about my own financial future, whether we break up or not. I have zero coming in, no savings in my own name, no money going into a pension, nothing. I think I need to start at least slipping some of my allowance away into an account and pass it off as "went out for lunch" and other random expenses.

Sorry I can't reply to you all individually. Just know that you have all been very helpful and rather enlightening.

It's so sad to see he prevented you from taking two opportunities, for not just any job, but your dream job. Not by barricading the house, but by making it seem pointless to try. :(

As Attila points out, abuse is about control. You don't have to shout and call people names to get them to do what you want, or to gradually erode their freedom and independence. It can be done in very subtle, clever, reasonable looking ways.

So keep questioning, and doing what you need to do for your wellbeing, OP. And do whatever is in your power to improve your financial position, in however small a way.

Hi OP. He screws up birthdays and anniversaries as well, doesn't he? I'll bet they're never what you want, but treats for him that you tag along.

Trust your instincts OP. They are there for a reason. Even if you break even on a part time job in the beginning due to childcare expenses, it may be more than worth it. There is no price tag on happiness and confidence.