Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Feeling backed into corner regarding pregnancy, please help.

46 replies

Fantaface · 13/01/2015 12:45

Will try not to drip feed but do not want to out myself. Long time lurker, desperate for some advice and guidance.

Have recently found out I am almost half way through an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy with an on/ off partner, who I previously thought was a great guy but did not realise he is emotionally abusive and I am scared of him, this has came to light recently and I am terrified.

I already have dc (not his) and have been through a lot the last couple of years regarding the father and court cases, four house moves in the last year alone and I am feeling terribly vulnerable and lost, whilst trying to protect dc from all these worries.

This pregnancy has come as a massive shock, and I am scared. Myself and it's father do not live together (thank god), we are not together at present and I will never return to the relationship as he makes me feel like utter shit. Never in my life have I felt as worthless and miserable in my life. When the pregnancy was discovered- he as someone who feels he has an emotional hold over me, was absolutely thrilled with the prospect of becoming a father, presumably as a way of instilling more control over me. He has made sure the world and his wife knows of the pregnancy, without considering my feelings he went ahead anyway before any decisions we're made.

So here I am, desperate to be away from this man and his control and terrified at the prospect of being a single mother to a newborn when I find it so very hard to juggle a full time job and household and dc already. If I continue with the pregnancy this bully will always have a part on my life and I am scared. If I consider termination I have little time left and will have to go private- an expense I do not have. And how will I explain it to everybody- he has made sure everybody knows. I am scared

OP posts:

Meerka · 13/01/2015 13:10

First off, everyone that he has told and what other people think do not matter.

It is NOT their concern. He had no right to do this as you know. But seeing as he's done it, ignore them.

An emotionally abusive man with a hold on you forever .. whew. Very nasty.

I think you have to do what is the right thing for YOU. And only you can answer what that right thing for YOU is.

You need to be hard headed now, as far as you can be. You'll be in shock and with all sorts of raging feeligns but if you can, be as pragmatic and hard headed as you can.

It might help to write out the pluses and the minuses of going ahead with the pregnancy, then write out the pluses and minuses of a termination. Maybe do it again tomorrow to see if you feel / think differently.

A few questions to ask yourself:

Can you cope financially and practically with another child.
Can you cope with contact with him.
most of all - do YOU want another child. It all comes down to that really.
If you decide you want a termination, take out a loan. This is high stakes situation and the sort of thing where a loan is always justified.
If you decide you want the baby then one way or another things -will- work out.
Remember this is YOUR decision. No one else's. Certainly not his.

One other thing: Purely to save time it might be an idea make an appointment at the clinic. You can always cancel it.

it can be rather hard to work out if you want the baby or not in the immediate shock of discovery of pregnancy.

Do you have any family / close friends support? that might help in practical and emotional terms. It -is- very worrying that he is emotionally abusive, I think you do have to face that he might want long term involvement either for the child's sake or in order to manipulate you. You do have to factor the constant hassle into the decision, unless you think he will drift away in time. Can you be strong enough to withstand his games? (it's perhaps unfortunate you told him at all specially as he's told everyone, but that's water under the bridge now).

Is there anyone you trust you can talk it over with ?

Good luck, fantaface I am not sure anyone can really tell you to keep it or to terminate, that decision is not anyone else's to make. But I'm sure Mumsnet will be behind you supporting you.

PoppyField · 13/01/2015 13:41

Hi OP,

Meerka is right. Doesn't matter what he's told anyone else - what YOU want is what matters. He's started as he means to go on and obviously will find any weapon he can to bring you under his control, including outrageous emotional blackmail.

What's best for you and your dcs? Can you contact Women's Aid. You can talk it through with British Pregnancy Advisory Service - they have a confidential helpline... www.bpas.org/bpaswoman

This man does sound scary. Seek help. There are services out there for you.

peggyundercrackers · 13/01/2015 13:45

I would agree with the others, doesn't matter what he has said or what he/they think. the only thing that matters right now is what you want - yes your decision may be a hard one to make but you need to do whats best for you not only now but for the future too.

Twinklestein · 13/01/2015 14:09

A termination is not as expensive as a baby.

Original poster

Fantaface · 13/01/2015 14:15

Thank you for your understanding replies.
I am lucky in that I have a good solid support network of family and friends but I'm quite a private person and would rather not bother anybody with my problems.

Meerka- in relation to the questions I need to ask myself, the first three are a firm no. I did not want anymore children, financially and emotionally it will be a struggle and I would feel uncomfortable with any sort of contact with him.

Thank you again for the advice, it has helped somewhat to have it written down. I will contact bpas and see what they say.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 13/01/2015 14:25

If you have a termination you can then definitely take legal action against this man to keep him out of your life. What other people think is totally unimportant.
If you were to decide to continue the pregnancy you could still put very strict limits on this man's contact with you eg none at all until the baby is old enough to be away from you and supervised contact (by someone else) for the foreseeable future, which might see him off anyway.

sakura · 13/01/2015 14:38

It sounds terrifying.

If I were in your shoes, I would have a termination and get a loan to do it.

MadameOvary · 13/01/2015 14:42

I was in your shoes re being pregnant with an abusive man. I decided to terminate. He did his best to make it as difficult and guilt-inducing as possible. Please feel free to update as there is support for you here OP.

MadameOvary · 13/01/2015 14:43

Sorry - that came out wrong! I meant my now-ex was only interested in his own feelings and image and did not care what I was going through. Please do what is best for you and fuck everyone else. Their opinions do NOT matter.

HootyMcTooty · 13/01/2015 14:44

Only you can decide what is best for you.

What other people think doesn't matter. I'm generally not a fan of dishonesty, but since you've been backed into a corner, well, people wouldn't need to know the real reason why the pregnancy ended.

I hope you are able to make the right choice for you. It's a horrible situation you're in.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/01/2015 14:51

In your circumstances OP, I would have a termination. May I ask why you would need to seek help privately? Would your GP not be able to refer you on the NHS? If funds are an issue that is.

No woman should have a child they do not want, especially not with a man like you describe.

Coyoacan · 13/01/2015 16:07

No woman should have a child they do not want, especially not with a man like you describe

I agree.
Also everything that Meerka says. For the public at large you can tell them you had a miscarriage.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 13/01/2015 16:12

In your situation I would have a termination, absolutely. Book an appointment NOW if time is tight - as others say you can always cancel.

'I'm afraid that what X told you about having a baby was never an option for many reasons which I don't wish to discuss... however his manipulative behaviour in telling the world that we were maybe shows you one of the reasons why we are not together any more.'

Meerka · 13/01/2015 16:16

If you do decide to go for a termination - don't tell him. Cut him out of your life, now.

MrsKCastle · 13/01/2015 16:17

Yes, previous posters talk a lot of sense. This is YOUR decision to make, no one else's. Don't let this man manipulate you, do what is right for you. And if it makes it easier, you don't have to tell the truth.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/01/2015 16:23

If you decide to have a termination, don't tell him the truth, don't tell anyone the truth. Say you've had a miscarriage.

FWIW I don't think you will have to go private, go to BPAS as soon as is humanly possible and they will support you. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Charley50 · 13/01/2015 16:24

Yes agree with everyone. Terminate asap. Tell him and the general public it was a miscarriage (to get him off your back and out of your life). Tell a trusted friend or counsellor the reality of the situation if you need to talk.

costumething · 13/01/2015 17:04

If you do decide not to terminate, make sure his name is not on the birth certificate. That way he has no automatic parental rights. Don't tell him when you are going to register so he has no chance to object.

Quitelikely · 13/01/2015 17:15

You poor thing. If I was you I would go through with a termination. You have been through so much already and this abuser is only pleased for the wrong reasons, sinister reasons if you like.

Don't let him have a lifelong hold over you, he would be a terrible role model to any child and god knows what he would be like with contact etc poss saying awful things about you to dc etc.

If you feel embarrassed tell everyone you miscarried or simply say 'I'm no longer pregnant'

kaykayred · 13/01/2015 17:53

It sounds like you are leaning towards an abortion, and really it's social pressure making you reconsider?

If that is the case, then book an appointment and go for it. Don't wait until it's too late to make an active decision.

The fact he has told people is neither here nor there.

Thankfully, we live in a day, age, and place where a woman does not need "permission" to make decisions about her own body.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but put yourself first and do whatever you need to do, whichever direction that takes you.

If you did want to keep the pregnancy, then you would most probably need to speak to a lawyer about strict controls about contact between you and this man - that in itself is expensive. And I certainly wouldn't be putting his name on the certificate.

You aren't accountable to anyone. If you don't continue the pregnancy and people ask, you say whatever you are comfortable with. Even if that is a cold "I really don't see how that is any of your business".

You don't owe anyone any explanations.

Seb101 · 13/01/2015 21:31

So your nearly 20 weeks pregnant? Won't be a popular view but I'd never consider a termination this late. Obviously it's your choice, but you asked for opinions.....

kaykayred · 13/01/2015 22:12

Aren't you lucky then, Seb101, that you have never been in this position?

The OP doesn't have that luxury.

Only1scoop · 13/01/2015 22:17

I also could not consider at this late stage....

IDontDoIroning · 13/01/2015 22:26

I think this is a situation where no one should judge unless they have walked a mile in the OP's shoes.

You have a responsibility towards yourself and your existing children. If it were me I would have a termination tomorrow. Just to secure my self and my children from having no further contact with this toxic man.

It is irrelevant what he has or hasn't told other people.

Original poster

Fantaface · 13/01/2015 23:00

Thank you for all the advice you have given and I welcome all views and opinions.

I feel I have made my decision and will be back to update this thread in a few days when I feel ready.

Thanks again everybody.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread