Feeling backed into corner regarding pregnancy, please help.

[Fantaface]

Will try not to drip feed but do not want to out myself. Long time lurker, desperate for some advice and guidance.

Have recently found out I am almost half way through an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy with an on/ off partner, who I previously thought was a great guy but did not realise he is emotionally abusive and I am scared of him, this has came to light recently and I am terrified.

I already have dc (not his) and have been through a lot the last couple of years regarding the father and court cases, four house moves in the last year alone and I am feeling terribly vulnerable and lost, whilst trying to protect dc from all these worries.

This pregnancy has come as a massive shock, and I am scared. Myself and it's father do not live together (thank god), we are not together at present and I will never return to the relationship as he makes me feel like utter shit. Never in my life have I felt as worthless and miserable in my life. When the pregnancy was discovered- he as someone who feels he has an emotional hold over me, was absolutely thrilled with the prospect of becoming a father, presumably as a way of instilling more control over me. He has made sure the world and his wife knows of the pregnancy, without considering my feelings he went ahead anyway before any decisions we're made.

So here I am, desperate to be away from this man and his control and terrified at the prospect of being a single mother to a newborn when I find it so very hard to juggle a full time job and household and dc already. If I continue with the pregnancy this bully will always have a part on my life and I am scared. If I consider termination I have little time left and will have to go private- an expense I do not have. And how will I explain it to everybody- he has made sure everybody knows. I am scared

Best of luck to you, Fanta.

Also wishing you the best of luck.

You don't need to explain or justify your decision, either here or anywhere else.

Best of luck fanta

Good luck fanta. Stay safe

If you decide to have a termination (...) Say you've had a miscarriage.

^ This. Not that it's any of anyone else's business, but of course people may mention it to you and this is what you can say. And that you don't want to talk about it. No one in their right minds will bother you about it again!

Best of luck with whatever you decide

Best of luck Fanta

Kaykayred. You have no idea whether or not I've been in this position. My opinion is based on personal experience.

Good luck Fanta.

Why does it matter what you would or would never consider?

Is this your body? Is it your pregnancy? Were these your EXACT circumstances?

It's about as helpful as a chocolate kettle to come onto a thread like this and be "Ooooo well I would never do that".

Good for fucking you. May you remain forever warm in your smugness and moral superiority. Obviously the OP would, as she clearly stated in her opening post she was considering an abortion.

I don't know what you were hoping to achieve from your post other than to try and make the OP feel even more like shit.

kaykayred - wholeheartedly agree!

If you have ethical issues with termination this far into a pregnancy please consider placing your baby for adoption from birth - not an easy route but there are so many families out there who can't have children and could give your baby a loving home and a great life.
If you keep the baby I agree that leaving his name off the birth certificate will make things much much easier in the long run.
It's your choice and your body. But you still have options. Please don't keep a child who isn't wanted, that is the worst outcome for all involved.

Good luck xx

Hey Fanta

I had a late termination at 20 weeks lovely, mine was because of late diagnosis of a terminal genetic condition. The diagnosis is much much earlier now, but back then it was hell waiting.

I was ok, I made my peace before it and I'm at peace with our decision after . I hope you make the right choice for you and I wish you well for your future.

I deliberately avoided saying what I would or wouldn't do when I posted. Partly because it's not relevant and partly because unless I'd experienced OPs situation, I couldn't possibly say what I'd do with any confidence.

It wouldn't matter what any of us would or wouldn't do in these circumstances, what matters is that the OP has choices, all of which are entirely appropriate provided she's made the decision based on her own needs. She doesn't need judgment.

Giving up the baby for adoption from birth can be a good option, but I suggest in this circumstance, with a bitter and violent 'father' in the background it will not be possible. SS would have to thoroughly investigate the possibility of the 'father' taking on full care of the baby, family fostering/adoption etc.

Unfortunately SS can't just go 'you're right, he's a violent prick, let's expedite this.' There is a legal process to go through and it isn't necessarily short.

Meanwhile a baby is presumably in foster care, or bonding with OP, and exP is still very much in her life. And probably going on F4J and whatever that forced adoption nutter's website is called and stirring up all sorts

Kaykayred; I'm shocked at just how horrible that post to me was! Seriously if you knew my past you'd realise my advice is coming from a good place. I've no intention of sharing my past with someone so nasty!
Loads of people on here have stated what they would do; most a termination. But I'm not allowed to say what I'd do!? It's helpful because surely that's what advice is... Getting people's opinions. Not just one side of the topic, but balanced views from different people. I have experience of this type of dilemma and couldn't not comment. My post was brief purposely because I didn't want to make op feel bad by going into details.
Op if your interested in talking feel free to pm me. If you've made your decision that's fine too; good luck :)

Yy Lonny.

Seb: Everyone in this world has had their share of trauma and heartbreak and tough decisions. Everyone. That fact does not excuse you from being insensitive on someone else's thread. What you, personally, would do in her shoes was not a relevant or sensitive comment to make here. This thread concerns the possibility of abortion, which is a minefield of an issue. The only relevant or sensitive thing to do towards the OP is to draw her out on her own needs and preferences. Not yours. That's why you got the reaction you got.

Just scrolled through thread; there are over half a dozen comments saying; 'I'd terminate if in your shoes'
So these people are allowed to say what they'd do.
I'm merely saying what i'd do in her shoes,no more or less helpful than the posters.

A friend of mine was in a similar position to the OP and had an abortion, even though she had always been against abortion. My friend, like OP, had other children to consider

Hey

I was in a similar position myself a few years ago, I'd been desperate to get out of the relationship but he always gave me the crocodile tears then I found out he'd been messaging someone else so I ended it completely, found out a week later that I was pregnant but I made clear I wasn't keeping it. Luckily I managed to terminate at 6 weeks. We know alot of mutual people, and because he didn't like the fact that I was not devastated about it, he decided to post it all over facebook. This obviously backfired on him as most people thought he was a completely arsehole for posting it.

My point being, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Do what is right for you. At the time I was a single mum to a 1 year old, just returning to work after mat leave, the bloke didn't have any prospects and I didn't want any ties to him. It was the best decision I made. YOU have to live your life, OP. Other people don't... They have their own ones. So don't worry about what other people think. It's your life, your situation, your decision.

How r u OP?