Family joking about my difficult past.

[BadPast]

I've never had a great relationship with my family but since dd came along they have been a bit nicer to me. There is still alot of things I put aside and try and ignore but one thing that upsets me is how often they joke about a time in my life that was particularly hard. I had a very hard few years between 15-20, on top of the neglect (which is what psychologists have suggested it was) I was getting from my parents I also got sexually assaulted by a boy at school during exams (so I failed most of them), this triggered a bad case of OCD and depression and then I ended up in a abusive relationship with a much older man.

Thankfully that was quite a while ago now but I still think of it as the hardest things I've had to deal with. My family knew all about the things that had gone on but every time I see or speak to them they tell me how much of a horrendously moody and angry teenager I was and how perfect my sister was. My sister will then joke about how sorry she felt for my parents because I wasn't nice to them. It will just go on and on and on. Then lots of comments about how they dont know how I turned out this way as 'I know you dont think so but we brought you up exactly the same' (very very untrue).

I end up not saying anything while they all joke around as I feel so uncomfortable. I'm not sure what I can do really. Any advice? I just hate remembering how unsupportive they all were then and how much of a jovial funny thing it is for them remembering how much of an awful time I was having.

Next time ask if they can think of anything that made you that way?

Or do what I've finally managed to do, take an almighty step back.

That's not joking, that's bullying. Your family sound horrible. What are you getting out of staying in contact with them?

I agree with the PP. Being insensitive and offensive is unacceptable. Saying it's only a joke doesn't make it acceptable. I think you have to be assertive and either give them a wide berth or read them the riot act, rather than saying nothing and letting the bullying continue.

They know full well they let you down, that's why they keep bringing it up. They feel guilty, but instead of growing the fuck up and apologising the joke about it to make themselves feel better by making out you're exaggerating and it's all bit of a laugh. My family is exactly the same. I moved country and hardly see them. Surrounding myself with a true family - my wonderful sister, DH, children and friends - has done me an incredible amount of good. I had to accept that I don't really have parents, which was hard but worth it. I still grieve the lack of an 'original' family so to speak but my 'new' family is fantastic and they're all I need.

They're blaming the victim and continuing to bully her. Unfortunately unsupportiveness is not confined to the past, they're continuing it in the present.

Honestly, I don't normally say this but I would just cut them out of your life completely.

They are really awful people and life is hard enough without all his shit.

I'd never talk to them again.

Tell them you're sick of their 'joking' and that you'd rather they shut up.

If they can't handle you being assertive, then back off from them. Don't text them back immediately, don't ring them, wait for them to come to you not the other way around and if they ask you somewhere, decide if it suits YOU, not just because they expect you there. Say No more often.

Also, don't tell them personal things now (if you ever did). Any of them.

Give them a chance to change, let them know that you've had enough of it, but as guitaro says, if they don't change then take a giant step back.

Walk away.
As soon as it starts.
Turn and walk out of the door and go home.
Do it every single time and the message will soon sink in.

My hunch is that if she stands up to them they will simply use it against her as ammunition. They will say - see you were always moody and difficult as a teenager and you're the same now.

I don't think you can win in this kind of situation, because they're not interested in truth and honesty, they have no integrity.

It's just possible that if she cuts contact they may come after her as they don't want to lose her completely. But it's likely that once they've got her back onside she will revert to the family kicking post role.

I'm wondering if this is a bit of a wake up call for you? Seeing people suggest that you distance yourself from them? Perhaps not something you've ever considered being possible.

They're the same now as they were when you were a child, pig ignorant to the very core.

Feel guilty? pah, they feel no such thing.

Have a look at family scapegoat, op. It is no coincidence that you went through some very abusive relationships - it was all you knew.

ime there is no reasoning with savages like this. They will always be like this. It's hard to step away but for your mental and emotional health it would be better if they weren't in your life imo.

As you can see I feel very angry on your behalf.

I would ask why they feel it's ok to keep reminding you of a time when you'd been sexually assaulted, and worse still, see that as something to be joked about.

Their behaviour after will tell you what you need to know for sure. If your happy to go NC now, all the better, but that should bring things to a head in your own mind.

They are desperately trying to blame the victim (you) so that they don't have to examine their own behaviour.

They are, therefore, not very nice people.

I think you need to question whether they deserve a place in your life. You were very hurt in the past, and they are effectively making you re-live that hurt, with their words. Who needs that in their life?

You are still the scapegoat for their inherent ills; these people have not fundamentally altered. Your sister is their golden child and thus favoured more. Her role is a role itself not without price but she is not aware of that.

Perhaps you have only gone back because you are hoping that they will change; I am so sorry but they do not change.

I would not put yourself in their firing line any longer; it also does your DD no favours to see her mother being so victimised either.

Do read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and consider as well posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

This. This is the behaviour from my parents that led me to go NC. It was a joke they'd laugh about to my friends/ partners/ wider family.
One weekend stay at theirs my mum started telling this jokey 'well your mummy could never behave' to my DD and I thought 'fuck this'. We left early.
I wrote a brief explanation of why I couldn't bear to listen anymore.
Maybe I should have given them a chance to apologise. But fuck them. They've never got in touch.

Do they know the reasons why you were 'moody' as a teenager?

I think going no contact without talking to them first would be a bit extreme.

My ex DH used to joke about a difficult time in my life, and it used to wind me up. When I spoke to him about it he said it was because he didn't want it to be a 'hush hush, no go area'.

Once he knew it upset me, he stopped.

Do you think they would stop of you calmly explained why it upset you?

I think OP has already tried talking and their response is actually typical of such inadequate parenting from parents who were and remain abusive.

They will likely outright deny or at the very least minimise all that has happened to OP so the best thing for her to do going forward is to actually withdraw completely from them.

ime if you try to broach the subject, even in the most reasonable way, all hell breaks loose - verbal abuse, going absolutely nuts. No, they don't want to be called on the appalling way they behave and are incandescent if you do.

Caramel, what these people have done is 'extreme'. It's not a case of they don't really know what they're doing and would be upset if they realised. They know full well what they are doing and genuinely think it's ok.

I know this because people who do this are all the same. To laugh and joke about something so serious and damaging locates them.

That's not joking BadPast that's bullying. Unfortunately, some families do have their chosen one who can do no wrong, & their scapegoat who can do nothing right.

Do you deserve their derision or their continued support?

I'd tell them firmly, once, that their bullying behaviour must stop right now. You have had a rotten start & you don't deserve to be made to feel guilty for it. Also, you must allow yourself the chance to heal & move on. You can't do this if they won't let you & keep bringing it all back.

Best wishes

Thanks everyone. I wasn't really expecting that response, considering this is really nothing compared to how they used to be I thought I would be told that I'm being oversensitive.

I did actually go no contact for a while a few years after leaving home but when dd came along it changed. Its been up and down for a long time, they will change when it suits them, get me to trust them and then knock it down, its happened for a long time and I think they are on their best behaviour now they want to see my dd. I think next time they bring it up I will see if I have the guts to say something but I imagine I wont...plus its usually at a time that I'm stuck with them and cant get away so the option of walking away doesn't work.

[NOTE FROM MNHQ: post edited to remove a RL name]

Why did you resume contact with them BadPast? I'd rather call you GoodFuture tbh. Was it because you missed having a family? It's easy for me to say it's better to have no family than a family like this but I've done it and, although it isn't easy sometimes, I could leap for joy every time I think I never have to be with them again.

I also went NC with my family and, thinking they'd got their act together a bit, I resumed contact. Big mistake - they were worse than ever.. all that bullying they hadn't been able to do when I was out of their lives, well, they made up for it. They treat me in a very similar way to the way your family treats you.

You have a lot of power in this situation, OP. Mainly, you have the power to ensure your child is not polluted by these vile people. I wish I didn't speak from experience on this.

Are you having counselling? Have you researched the family scapegoat? They will bully you until the day they die, that's a given. You don't need to be in a situation where you're stuck with it and there's nothing you can say or do. Obviously, I'd say the best solution would be to not see them ever again so you won't be in impossible situations in future. The good future you have a much better chance of having without them dragging you down to the pit xx

badpast agreed about your daughter. If they've been like this with you - and were worse! in the past- they are unlikely to be any sort of good influence on you.

Your daughter shoudl not have a mother who is (justifiably) upset, wound up and hurt so unnecessarily.

Are they saying "you're oversensitive"? Because you bloody aren't. Sexual assault and a bad relationship? Yes, you probably showed how much it hurt. Who wouldn't? It's not something other people should joke about.

What about saying "no" to suggested family meet ups sometimes?

Have you tried therapy? It's not for everyone but I think you need some support in standing up for yoruself and saying No to these less-than-pleasant people. Not only for yourself but for your daughter. They are setting a bad example.

I think next time they bring it up I will see if I have the guts to say something but I imagine I wont...

Then don't give them the chance. YOU get to choose who you spend time with. Just because THEY want to see your daughter, doesn't mean that they get to. It's your choice.

I find it sad that you think you wouldn't have the guts to say anything. Here's my recommendation: take an assertiveness course. There are cheap workbooks online if you can't find/can't afford a class.

I suspect that your learned passive behaviour growing up is affecting other areas of your life, and that knowing how to say no and how to say what you think to people will be a very useful skill for you to learn. At work, with friends, in relationships,... it's always good to know how to express your needs, and how to say "enough".

I still think you need to cut off your family off, though: they are harming your recovery, setting you back.

Your parents were rubbish to you as a child and now adult and now they will be rubbish to your child as well. They were and remain awful role models. This is precisely why I earlier wrote, "I would not put yourself in their firing line any longer; it also does your DD no favours to see her mother being so victimised either".

The being over sensitive comment is often a charge lobbed at their chosen scapegoat by such toxic parents. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours here is one of scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

I would also consider counselling for your own self. Find someone who is BACP registered. You need to find someone who can work with you so that may not be necessarily the first person you see. You also need to find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Going to repost perfectstorms lovely post

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time.

it is a perfect summary to me.