Family joking about my difficult past.

[BadPast]

I've never had a great relationship with my family but since dd came along they have been a bit nicer to me. There is still alot of things I put aside and try and ignore but one thing that upsets me is how often they joke about a time in my life that was particularly hard. I had a very hard few years between 15-20, on top of the neglect (which is what psychologists have suggested it was) I was getting from my parents I also got sexually assaulted by a boy at school during exams (so I failed most of them), this triggered a bad case of OCD and depression and then I ended up in a abusive relationship with a much older man.

Thankfully that was quite a while ago now but I still think of it as the hardest things I've had to deal with. My family knew all about the things that had gone on but every time I see or speak to them they tell me how much of a horrendously moody and angry teenager I was and how perfect my sister was. My sister will then joke about how sorry she felt for my parents because I wasn't nice to them. It will just go on and on and on. Then lots of comments about how they dont know how I turned out this way as 'I know you dont think so but we brought you up exactly the same' (very very untrue).

I end up not saying anything while they all joke around as I feel so uncomfortable. I'm not sure what I can do really. Any advice? I just hate remembering how unsupportive they all were then and how much of a jovial funny thing it is for them remembering how much of an awful time I was having.

its usually at a time that I'm stuck with them and cant get away

Of course it's usually at those times. They're not doing this randomly.

Clearly you owe these people nothing, they are awful. So how do you make sure you are not in a position where you are 'stuck' with them? I assume you're talking about overnight visits and similar? Start protecting yourself. Your DD does not need a relationship with these people more than you need to redefine your relationship with them.

I agree they know full well when you are trapped - that's when they go for the jugular, knowing there's not much you can do about it.

I used to wonder at the number of times a poison arrow (or 10) came my way at a time I couldn't say anything - usually someone's special event: birthday, wedding, anniversary. Always a public barb, with me stuck there like a stuck pig, unable to respond or I'd 'spoil' the party.

The solution is to not be there.

When people like this get you in their web, you kind of go to sleep. You become uber powerless, overwhelmed by the onslaught. I used to be so fearful of 'saying anything' I'd literally go dizzy when the opportunity presented itself.

I've often said on here that the abuse rendered me speechless: I wouldn't know where to start. Everthing I wanted to say sounded so lame - and, anyway, I knew a stinging attack would come winging back in record time if I dared try.

The solution is to not be there.

So, OP, why do you keep going back into the lion's den? Really, genuinely, why do you go back? I'm not pointing fingers - I've been in exactly your situation. I longed for a good family and that's what kept me going back. I hoped and hoped, against all reason, they'd be decent. They never were - and, crucially, they never will be. Their sport is jabbing at you, mine at me, with pointy arrows to draw blood. They like it, they enjoy it, they get off on it.

Sad hey

OP, I could have written your post. Highly abusive family, I was the scapegoat, DSis the golden one. Narc mother, alcoholic abusive father. DBs just like their dad.

I kept going back for more, to try and encourage a positive relationship with my family...If I said anything, I was "always too sensitive". At other times i was "a cold woman." When I lent money, I was a "Poor little rich girl". If I asked for it back, I was "Obsessed with money". Recently I was accused of trying to alienate the family....oh the irony.

I an pretty much NC now, and my life is so much easier. I also found that the poison being dripped in my ear had caused a lot of issues with my own child. Going NC and ignoring all that poison meant I could fix the relationship with my child.