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Original poster

I know I'm being petty and ungrateful...

28 replies

ChickenSoupChef · 12/01/2015 17:55

When I was first pregnant, unplanned dp was very happy and willing and talked about all the things he wanted to buy for the baby. I said I didn't mind second hand, but really wanted a new and decent pushchair. He agreed to a bugaboo which was easily affordable at the time. I then found something I preferred more all in for £400. Do said to send him the link, which I did. But nothing happened. This was my 3rd and last baby and I'd always wanted to be able to get a decent pushchair having had a few secondhand ones with the first 2 and living in a top floor flat which meant a basic stroller was my best option.

His mum then bought one out of a charity shop and out of politeness I accepted. It was shitty and very stiff trying to fold and unfold and the handles were too low. By now the nice pushchair was too affordable and I was given an £80 budget to get one on eBay and ended up with a scruffy but nice parent facing. But the wheel broke a week in and it's usable but noticeable.

It's partly about this representing his change in attitude since being early pregnant and eventually ended up sitting in the car during my midwife appointments even though I'd had a lot of complications and I ended up buying everything for the baby on my own out of the child benefit. He wouldn't even look at things. In the end the only thing he bought for the baby was a pair of shorts and a t shirt.

I feel completely let down and discussed this with him. He didn't say a lot just looked sorry for himself and said sorry.

Then I got a gift card for mothercare and the stroller I wanted was on offer so it would only cost £40. We drove 25 miles to the nearest mothercare where he then reserved it for the following week, I tried my best not to feel disappointed. But he was supposed to ring on Saturday to extend the reservation and hasn't. So I'm pretty sure if I drive there tomorrow I'm going to find it's gone, it's a very small store.

Now I just feel all the disappointment all over again. I just can't seem to let it go. Oh, and the reason we could have afforded a nice one and now cant is because Dp got a big pay out of compensation which has now ran out.

After I got the pushchair from mil, I said ok but I'd at least like a nice changing bag and I'm using one I got from ebay for a tenner and doesn't for over the handle bar.

I know I'm being ungrateful but I just feel let down and want to get over this

OP posts:
UncrushedParsley · 12/01/2015 18:02

Hmm. It seems what you are describing is less about the pushchair, and more about his seeming lack of commitment to being a parent of this baby. Sorry, but it doesn't bode well for the future IMHO. Can you ring the store yourself and check if its still there? Do you have the additional £40 or was he meant to be providing it?

Original poster
ChickenSoupChef · 12/01/2015 18:26

He's meant to be paying and taking me there tomorrow. I will find the store number and ring in the morning to see if they still have it. I should have just done it myself over the weekend but he offered and I wanted to give him the chance to do it as he had offered.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 12/01/2015 19:08

I agree with Parsley that this is not about a pushchair.

Why are you writing a long post about strollers but just slipping in one line that he refused to come in to see the midwife with you?

I'm also concerned with how passive you have been. Why does he decide how much is spent on the pushchair? And why does he make the reservation? I do think you should have agreed the purchase together (as you did) and then just sorted it. He shouldn't have gone back on your initial joint decision (especially as I have a sneaking suspicion that the compensation was spent on something like a PS4 instead...?) but honestly, if you don't work (you mention using CB) and this was a one off like a PPI benefit, I do wonder if you could afford an overpriced pushchair anyway.

Nice things are, well, nice! But you are sounding a bit fixated on them. You said the eBay stroller was nice, just cosmetic damage. That was £80. Why do you need to spend another £40? Surely 2nd hand for £80 is going to be better quality than £40 new?

I'm sorry he isn't shaping up to be the partner you want, but honestly you should focus on that, not on getting a new changing bag.

UncrushedParsley · 12/01/2015 19:08

Ok. I wouldn't be relying on him too much to do as he says. Have a plan B if you can. He seems to have failed to deliver a few times.

UncrushedParsley · 12/01/2015 19:11

Cab I think the £40 cost was in addition to the gift voucher, so more than £40's worth IUSWIM

HootyMcTooty · 12/01/2015 19:22

Just out of interest what was the payout spent on? Luxury items for him or living expenses? As it was a compensation payout one assumes he has suffered a financial loss so maybe be he needed that money?

If I'm completely honest, if you were relying on a one off windfall to buy a Bugaboo, then your assertion that you could easily afford it is not entirely true. Maybe he didn't want to spend money he needed on a new pushchair when you already had one.

That said, sitting in the car during midwife appointments doesn't give the impression of being completely engaged with your pregnancy.

Cabrinha · 12/01/2015 19:25

Oh that makes more sense!
Still, of you already have a nice pushchair that was worth £80 second hand, I'd use the Mothercare gift voucher to buy a changing bag (not my thing, but whatever floats your boat) and save the extra £40 for something you need later.

It's your relationship you need to think about here, not another push chair.

GoatsDoRoam · 12/01/2015 19:47

Why did he sit in the car during your midwife appointments?

What else does he do, or fail to do, as a father?

Only1scoop · 12/01/2015 19:51

It's not really about just a pushchair is it....

Quitelikely · 12/01/2015 20:03

Check out gumtree if you can't get your stroller from MC. You get great bargains on there.

I don't think it's acceptable for your dp to attend midwife apts with you only to then stay in the car. The writing is on the wall I'm afraid. Good luck with him something tells me you will need it.

Original poster
ChickenSoupChef · 12/01/2015 20:14

When I say noticeable damage, not cosmetic and I now can't carry shopping in the basket or the back wheel won't turn round. The stroller is worth £140 but between the voucher and sale.

We paid a years rent when I was 4 months pregnant, it mostly got spent on living expenses (he didn't get a job until it run out the day baby was born) but eating out, a sports car and lots of repairs on sports cars, xbox games. I mean as well as tax credits, maintenance and child benefit the amount we went through scares me! I worked out we should have had enough money to get all the baby stuff and live nicely for more than a year before we needed to generate more income which he was working on.

I just feel a bit cheated that the money was there in his bank and I was aware the money would run out and we'd be back to a more normal financial situation which is fine. I wanted the bugaboo but choose a much cheaper option because it was his money. It was an injury at work claim and he was very lucky imho with what he got, good legal company I assume. And yes it does represent the general state of how I'm feeling in this relationship right now.

I've really tried to talk openly to him as well as be positive and I am trying to remind myself everyday about all the things in my life I'm grateful for etc etc. and I just feel a bit stuck on the fact that he knows I'm very disappointed and a bit pissed off that I didn't get a nice pushchair and that even when I said it's ok just get me a nice changing bag in the shop he said we would go back for it and we never did. but I don't really know how to get a grip and get over this, because I do get that it's totally a 1st world problem and I have a lot to be thankful for. I only spent £50 on the one I have now but I was given an £80 budget. But I do think he should have taken me to a shop and bought a pushchair for the only baby he's planning on having even if it had have been less than I wanted, it's the fact that he got out of buying anything that pisses me off

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenSoupChef · 12/01/2015 20:16

He sat in the car because he never allowed enough time to park. Everytime after 16 weeks and came to the scan.

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 12/01/2015 20:26

Well if he spent the money on a sports car you have every right to be pissed off at not getting a reasonable pushchair.

What's telling is that, aside from just sitting in the car at appointments, he sat on his arse using up his compo rather than getting a job. If he was capable of working why didn't he get a job and use the compensation as a nice little nest egg for your family. Sorry OP, but he sounds lazy and this is seeping into his attitude toward his family.

Cabrinha · 12/01/2015 20:27

OK, so I said PS4 and it was Xbox.
No surprise there.

You both need to think about your attitude to money.

You think an over priced fancy changing bag is going to bring your happiness?

Sorry, it won't Sad

I am unimpressed with him going through the work compensation on a sports car - but although the cost is less, I think that your pushchair and changing bag desires are part of the same thing - looking for happiness in spending money / owning fancy things.

If you are a couple, why was he allowing you £80? Why is that not "we decided £80?"

Now that he is back in work, is he more mature about his spending? I can understand that getting a lump sum can go to your head. But if this is who he is - recklessly spending and you don't have join access and responsibility - then you are in for a rough ride Flowers

Quitelikely · 12/01/2015 20:36

Have you thought about going and buying the bag yourself? No point relying on him from what you have said.

I don't think he has understood how much these things meant to you.

Is he good in all other areas of your relationship?

Only1scoop · 12/01/2015 20:36

It's a strange way to Operate....he holds all the purse strings generally?? Or chose not to spend any of his compensation or whatever it was on his dc.

It's not a great start.

Only1scoop · 12/01/2015 20:37

Don't you have money to make your own decisions??

Justtoobad · 12/01/2015 20:43

You can have my pushchair for free, it's an icandy cherry, works very well and looks good, red colour.
I was going to take to charity shop.
Pm me if you are interested and can sort out out a Hermes pick up.

Original poster
ChickenSoupChef · 12/01/2015 20:50

It was a second hand one, it was more the repairs and holding onto it for more months than we needed that cost a fair amount in the end.

I'm actually not that materistic, he is a bit, but not hugely. I buy my clothes in charity shops mostly and a bit on eBay. Money matters are currently fine and we now have a joint account. He was convinced he could earn money working from home but ran out of money and got a job before he actually made money but he did put a fair effort in

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 12/01/2015 22:41

When I was first pregnant, unplanned

Well, in an ideal world all people would be nice and decent.

But the reality is that if you have an unplanned pregnancy the man actually owes you nothing other than his legal obligations to pay maintenance.

Morally, he owes you a fu.ck load but there is little you can do about that if he isn't a decent moral person

An unplanned pregnancy means that the man may feel he's forced into a situation and anything given is given grudgingly.

Not sure there is much to be said really other than you are entitled to feel upset - and its not petty or ungrateful - but equally if you are expecting more you will probably be disappointed.

At least he is still involved. there are plenty of unplanned pregnancies where the man is so fast out the door it spins on its hinges.

DrMorbius · 13/01/2015 07:41

Are you actually a "couple", i.e does he live with you and get his post delivered there? It sound's like you see this push chair as a symbol of your relationship.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 13/01/2015 07:57

What happened to all your baby items from the first two children? Are you actually a couple, it's hard to tell from your posts.

Not planning to get more work until money runs out makes the pair of you sound like teens. There are three children needing support, work should have been top of the list rather than a new pushchair or changing bag.

Original poster
ChickenSoupChef · 13/01/2015 22:24

Yeah we live together and are a couple. I donated everything I had as I lived in a 2 bed flat and didn't have the space to store it when I didn't see a baby on the horizon.

Yes, it was pretty dumb for him to wait until the money had run out, I wasn't really aware of balances so much so didn't really know, which was dumb of me and why we now have a joint account.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 13/01/2015 22:45

FWIW you are not being petty or ungrateful.

He seems lazy, procrastinates and selfish.

Dont mean to be rude but you sound passive and are letting him get away with murder.
How can he buy xbox & games £50 each, sports car and repair cost yet he cant afford a pram or parking.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 13:17

I dont want to throw a spanner in the works, but compensation pay outs are included as income when calculating tax credits, so if it was as much as it sounds, you could find yourself paying back SHIT LOADS come renewal. I think you need to look into this now so you are prepared.

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