Dealing with best friend's open relationship

[zygotic]

My best friend of close to 10 years recently told me that she and her boyfriend, who she been seeing for six years, have agreed to go down the open relationship route. I asked her if she's interested in seeing other people herself, to which she said no. It's for his benefit. She disclosed to me that she doesn't want him to feel 'stifled' in terms of their sex-life. From what she's been telling me they've been discussing issues involving their sex-life for the last 2 years. In fact they've even discussed having a threesome. As far as I can see, she has agreed to an open relationship, wary of the fact that he's become bored of their sex-life and that she might lose the relationship if she doesn't go along with this. That's what I think is playing upon her mind.

She told me about this over six months ago. Since then he is seeing someone, and to the best of my knowledge they sleep together regularly. I asked her how she feels about this and she said that it's hard to deal with but it doesn't feel wrong.

At the end of the day it's their relationship, but I do worry about my friend. She is someone who has very low self-esteem, and I hate to think she's being mugged off by her boyfriend. She doesn't want to lose the relationship and I feel he's playing upon those insecurities.

What should I do? Although I know that I should just keep my nose out of it, it's hard. She's my best friend. I care about her. I don't like the thought that she has to do this to maintain a relationship with this guy.

I think you need to trust your friend to make decisions that are right for her and be supportive if she gets hurt. It's what friends do.

She is an adult and has chosen to do this.

Open relationships, just like monogamous ones, can be great or they can be miserable.
If you think you could do this without coming across as either patronizing or judgemental, recommend that your friend reads Opening Up, which is a bit American but a pretty good book on the subject. It does include stuff about whether or not an open relationship is right for any individual, and ways to be fair, kind and ethical about having open relationships. It might help your friend to decide whether she wants to try opening up to the extent that she has a few dates herself, or whether she would prefer to end the relationship with this man and find a man who is as monogamous as she is.
The point is not that open relationships are bad, simply that they don't work for everyone, and a relationship where only one partner is having a good time is a crap one, whether the issue is monogamy, housework, money or leisure time.

Eerm. This sounds pretty one-sided to me. He get permission to shag like a rabbit with whomever he can inveigle into bed, but see if she went with someone else I'd wager he'd go berserk.

Nothing you can do really. Just accept it, watch then wait for the fall out.

Agree there's nothing you can do but I think your concerns are spot on especially re the self esteem.
I don't have any advice but you sound like a v caring friend.
It sounds like an ultimatum he has given her - effectively accept him cheating or be dumped.

Yeah, when she has brought up the subject of her boyfriend going out on dates, I have asked her if she would like to go out on dates herself and she simply isn't interested in anyone else. It's a very one-sided open relationship. At the end of the day, she wants him to feel contented within the relationship.

I think, if you have a friend who is so insecure that they are willing to agree to a ridiculous proposal like this, you have to do your best to boost their confidence. Spend time with them, praise their efforts, suggest activities that do something for self esteem etc.

Because all that's going to happen is that he's going to swan off with one of his conquests. ... Are there children involved?

Should add..... being coerced into accepting sexual behaviour against her better judgement is emotional and sexual abuse. There may come an opportunity when you can give her the Women's Aid number. 0808 2000 247

She is not being coerced by anyone other than herself. We all do strange things for love. I personally wouldn't do it because I don't think any relationship is worth putting yourself through what she is currently putting herself through. But everyone is different. I just hope she doesn't get too badly hurt.

No, she is being coerced by her partner

I would advise her to make sure she uses a form of barrier contraception

Well women on this board unhappy with their sex lives are always recommended to see if their Partners will accept an open relationship, I don't see this any differently.

If she has a low sex drive and him a high one then what's wrong with this? It seems they spent two years trying to find a solution to keep them both sexually satisfied.

Tell her to have some self respect and fuck him off. He sounds like a right twat

An open relationship will only work if both are fully agreed to it. Him going humping someone regularly isn't an open relationship! She is best out of this, it will only eat away at her that she isn't enough sexually for him. Echo all of solidgoldbrass comments. It's not for her so other routes should be explored, why don't they try swinging and dont laugh it works for some couples, but he must know underneath she is unhappy and stop seeing this other lady for shenanigans or the relationship should end.

I hope they set a ground rule he goes to the clap clinic regularly too..

Different strokes for different folks... It does sound as if she is only agreeing to this to please him. If she started sleeping with someone else, she might feel better, and on an even keel with him. Or she might realise she can't go through with it and see all this in a different light. Who knows what will happen or how she will feel, she might never sleep with anyone but him. I hope he is using protection, sti's are bad, but if he got someone else pregnant, and they wanted to keep it... Just be there for her no matter what happens. If you really feel she is being taken for a mug, give her your opinion in the gentlest way possible, let her mull it over, and respect what she chooses to do. If you push too hard, she could close you out in defence of him, which would be a shame.

I would butt out to be honest.

who know whats going on? no one other than the two people involved.

He may love her but also want to shag around. some people sign up to that and have long marriages that work for them (Mrs Alan Clark; Jacqueline Kennedy). He may have one foot out the door and be about to leave her. He may be just flexing his muscles and will come home to roost after a period openness. She may be inherently sexually submissive and get off on the humiliation of him shagging other women and coming home to report about it - as he fucks her. You really have no idea.

Interfere at your peril. Really not your business and meddling will only come back to bite you on the arse.

No, women in this situation are recommended to leave in the first instance

stop making stuff up

Last post to bumchange

This is Op's best friend

I dunno what other people's definition is of what that entails, but I would know whether she was at the very least a willing participant or not

I do know plenty of people in poly and a couple poly / mono relationships that have worked over the long term, so I don't think open relationships are intrinsically wrong, but definitely not for everyone. People tend to jump on the sexual jealousy aspect, but not the time, shared intimacy and relative prioritisation of relationships, which to me seem as or even more important.

Taking your post at face value, it doesn't sound like she's doing it for the right reasons.

In fact it sounds like she may have given him carte blanche while sticking her fingers in her ears, but if he's 'dating' as opposed to swinging / shagging around, then I wonder if she's thought about how she'll feel if he develops strong feelings for the other party?

Yes, I think in your place I would be concerned, but only you know whether your friend would be open to discussing this further.

"We all do strange things for love"

Possibly. But the really strange stuff people appear to tolerate or accept is often as a result of manipulation. A mutual agreement, consenting to an open marriage with everyone signed up to what that entails ... is a lifestyle choice. 'If you don't agree to me screwing around I'll leave you'.... is coercion, pure and simple. It's a threat that exploits the victim's fear of abandonment and the fact that their self-esteem is very low.

Coercive control is a very serious and alarmingly common problem. Women like your friend feel obliged to agree to all kinds of appalling behaviour from partners. It is not consensual and whilst they may rationalise it as 'love', it is very sinister and highly damaging.

just be there for her when it all goes to shit, as it will inevitably.

He will probably leave her soon to set up camp somewhere else.

So just be sympathetic

Agree with the PP... almost goes without saying that his 'open' attitude to the relationship is just a way of recruiting her replacement.

How openly do you two talk?

As in... do you know, for sure, the ins and outs of why she agreed to this? Is she interested in having sex with him? Is she happy, in her relationship generally? In herself? Is she allowed to sleep with other people, if she wanted to? What has she said to her boyfriend on this topic?

It doesn't sound like you think she is happy with herself. It doesn't sound like you think this is what she really wants. Those are both big problems, though the first doesn't necessarily indicate the second.

What's he like? Have you, prior to this, always thought he treated her well and made her happy? Do you like him as a person?

That there are people who, in this wonderful enlightened modern world, hear about open relationships and think that a) they should automatically get to have one and/or b) they're as easy as sleeping with someone else.

Neither of those things are true. At all. A functional open relationship takes a lot of work, and, in my opinion, works best either when neither party is massively invested, or, when they're in a very committed and healthy relationship with a lot of trust and honesty. I also think that they work better when both partners want to take advantage of the openness. They can work from just one side, but I think it's a riskier dynamic. Normally that works better when it's because one partner is no longer interested in sex. Or of course when the monogamous partner gets a sexual thrill from it - which it doesn't sound like your friend does.

I don't think you can do anything to stop this. But I do think you can encourage your friend to think about what makes her happy. What she wants. And definitely yes, be there if (I'm hesistant to say 'when', though I do suspect, from what you've said, that it'll be 'when') it all goes wrong.

It's all about what makes her happy. If she's made the decision that she'd rather be in the relationship with this arrangement, then that's ok. But it really depends on how she's come to that, and how he's making her feel about it.

This isn't an open relationship, your friend is simply agreeing to being cheated on because she thinks if she doesn't he will leave.