Dealing with best friend's open relationship

[zygotic]

My best friend of close to 10 years recently told me that she and her boyfriend, who she been seeing for six years, have agreed to go down the open relationship route. I asked her if she's interested in seeing other people herself, to which she said no. It's for his benefit. She disclosed to me that she doesn't want him to feel 'stifled' in terms of their sex-life. From what she's been telling me they've been discussing issues involving their sex-life for the last 2 years. In fact they've even discussed having a threesome. As far as I can see, she has agreed to an open relationship, wary of the fact that he's become bored of their sex-life and that she might lose the relationship if she doesn't go along with this. That's what I think is playing upon her mind.

She told me about this over six months ago. Since then he is seeing someone, and to the best of my knowledge they sleep together regularly. I asked her how she feels about this and she said that it's hard to deal with but it doesn't feel wrong.

At the end of the day it's their relationship, but I do worry about my friend. She is someone who has very low self-esteem, and I hate to think she's being mugged off by her boyfriend. She doesn't want to lose the relationship and I feel he's playing upon those insecurities.

What should I do? Although I know that I should just keep my nose out of it, it's hard. She's my best friend. I care about her. I don't like the thought that she has to do this to maintain a relationship with this guy.

"If she's made the decision that she'd rather be in the relationship with this arrangement, then that's ok"

I don't think that is OK. Coercion - almost by definition - means victims believe they are making their own decisions when the reality is nothing of the kind. Some will go to great lengths rationalising how an intolerable set of circumstances is in fact tolerable. The OP even says in their first post that 'it's for his benefit' and how she doesn't want him to feel 'stifled', I wouldn't be surprised if that's exactly how the friend put it. I would be even less surprised if that's not exactly how the man in question sold the idea in the first place.

The friend has been subjected to at least 2 years of pressure and what they've ended up with is the 'least objectionable option'.

Even if a relationship is coercive, no one but the coerced party can make the decision that enough is enough. I agree with the posters who suggest the OP does her best to boost her friend's self-esteem as that' about the only thing the friend can do.

I would just mention, though, that a relationship wherein one person has a variety of sexual partners and the other doesn't isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some people find this is the best and happiest arrangement when one partner in a couple relationship has little or no libido but the relationship is otherwise valued (eg they have kids together, shared finances and they like one another but there is no sexual connection any more).

Cogito I totally agree, sorry I was unclear. It doesn't sound good.

I guess because it's a post from a friend I didn't want to assume full knowledge of how the woman really feels about it. She could be genuinely happy with it, for a variety of reasons, but finds it difficult to say that - for a variety of reasons. I doubt that this is the case, but it could be. Hopefully my post reflected that, I did mean to come down more on the side of 'doesn't sound good'.

Either way - it sounds like as a friend the thing to do would be to encourage her to feel like she's worthy of having something that works the way she wants it to, no matter what that entails.

@SGB.... I always respond best I can to the specific problem in the specific context. Generalisations are interesting and it's pretty standard on any thread that puts the words 'open' and 'marriage' side by side for a few people with a vested interest to home in praising the benefits of the non monogamous relationship model. In this context, however, on the strength of this description, the OP's friend is in a pitiable situation of feeling obliged to condone good old fashioned infidelity out of fear of the alternative...

COgito: maybe. In this case, though, if the friend tried a little dating of her own, she might get lucky and find a man who (whether or not he is a good long term prospect) makes her feel 'good' enough to strike out for what she wants. So, again, the only thing the OP can realistically do is encourage and support the friend in boosting her own self esteem rather than going oh, he's a bastard, infidelity is evil, LTB, which is likely to make the friend shut down.