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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just upset and need to let it out.

28 replies

BeeRayKay · 12/01/2015 13:34

My husband turned 30 on Saturday.

In the run up to his birthday I'd been arranging loads, taking him away with friends (had paid deposits to go to Marrakech) and his gifts....

But he kept saying he didn't want a fuss and wanted to treat it like a normal day.
So I cancelled everything, made a jar up of 150 reasons I love him, got our daughters to make him something, booked a trip for the two of us at the end of February to stay in a four star hotel in a city he specifically said he wanted us to go to, but made it clear I can change it for something else, for the money it's cost we could easily go abroad just the two of us for the same money. Got him something for his camera he wanted, and something for his phone (which doesnt work so need to send back).

After making him breakfast we went out, he helped me practice driving and took us to a restaurant for dinner. I litterally only £30.43 a week at the moment, so I'd been saving from before I lost my bar job, I start full time work later this week.

But now he's saying he's too embarassed to tell any one it was his birthday, because it was shit and no one cares about him. But if he hadn't kept going on about not wanting a fuss he would have seen all his friends for a meal on the day and then we'd have gone away for a couple of nights and stuff....

And now I'm really upset. I feel like I let him down and judged the situation wrong. Normally when I go against something he's speciffically said he doesn't want he gets grumpy...

OP posts:
roland83 · 12/01/2015 13:45

You did nothing wrong..

It sounds like an ex of mine, I bought him a glider flight lesson for his 30th and he started crying and stormed off upstairs.

It sounds like he has issues about turning 30?

Fudgeface123 · 12/01/2015 13:46

He sounds a charmer. I'd be telling him to fuck right off and stop being an ungrateful bastard.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2015 13:47

really ?

what a fucking baby

Nomama · 12/01/2015 13:51

Tell him! Tell him what you had arranged but that he made such a fuss you thought you had read the situation very badly, so you cancelled everything. Once of his friends would be able to verify that, wouldn't they?

Tell him to grow up, you cannot read his mind, you need him to speak, say what he really thinks/feels. His birthday was a direct result of his having loudly expressed a preference of a low key day.

Then tell him if heartfelt expressions of love aren't enough for him he can use the holiday to think through his shallow life alone.

Basically, tell him to grow up!

Justwanttomoveon · 12/01/2015 13:54

You have no reason to be upset, you did some lovely things for him, he sounds like an ungrateful arse tbh. If you had gone ahead and given hm the gifts and trip he wouldn't have been happy so you came up with something else (150 reasons why you love him AND a trip away with you AND gifts) and he still unhappy?! If I had that reaction after putting all that effort in I wouldn't have been unhappy I would be livid.

BolshierAyraStark · 12/01/2015 13:56

Hmmmm, he's not happy? I'd tell him to fuck off, mardy twat.

Original poster
BeeRayKay · 12/01/2015 13:56

I have told him about the plans I made.

He reckons it's cause no one cares. But he kept saying over and over he didn't want any fuss. And I really struggled to keep to that because I love birthdays, and spoling the birthday person.

And the trip is booked late in feb, so I can pass my driving test. Then I can do everything so he really does just have to sit back and relax. He won't even have to pack a bag.

I'm just so fed up of it and I do feel for him, his dad sent a text ffs. But I know that if I'd kept the plans the people he cares about who could make it would have. We live like 100 miles away from any one he actually likes and so they'd have had to travel. He knows I would havedone this, last year I arranged a surprise visit from some friends from the North who came down despite having work the next day.

OP posts:
Justwanttomoveon · 12/01/2015 13:59

It's not YOUR fault that his df only sent a text, he sounds like a man child, he needs to grow up and be thankful he has such a considerate wife.

Nomama · 12/01/2015 14:03

So just put 'grow up' on repeat.

Or, have you tried crying at him?

To my embarrassment (no, not really) I did this to DH once, many moons ago. He was being a bit unrepentant and I cried, loud, long and sobby... how I had ruined 'it' for him.

You could try that "Oh, how I wish I had ignored what you said and just done what I wanted to do in the first place, Then you wouldn't hate me and I wouldn't have ruined your life - oh, woe is me...."

It had miraculous effects for me Smile He mentions it every now and then, as one of those moments in his life when he realised he was being unreasonable! Occasionally I wonder if I should let on, then I realise, I grew him up without wanting to hurt him (too badly) - so I keep schtum!

badbaldingballerina123 · 12/01/2015 14:04

I wouldn't be upset I'd be furious. What a brat.

I wouldn't pander to this sulky attention seeking. He's simply taking the piss out of you and purposely trying to upset you. Tell him to shut up about it.

Original poster
BeeRayKay · 12/01/2015 14:16

He's at work, so he can't see me cry. But he knows I am/was. And I've said everything you guys have said because I was thinking it, but not sure if I was being unfair.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 12/01/2015 14:18

Sounds like you are far too good for this self observed pitying ungrateful git.

Jan45 · 12/01/2015 14:19

And, if after reading all replies you still feel you re being unfair you really need to ask yourself if you are settling for second best, I can't for the life of me see what you have done wrong.

Original poster
BeeRayKay · 12/01/2015 14:23

Because I know he does do nice things for my birthday and he keeps saying "dont worry though your birthday will be special" blahblahblah (ok keeps saying, he's said it two or three times to be accurate)

OP posts:
Galvanised · 12/01/2015 14:25

Let me see if I've got this right.

You do what he asks - and he gets grumpy
If you did what he didn't want he would get grumpy too.

So basically you can't do right for doing wrong?

Sounds to me like he likes being grumpy.
How do you feel about that?

CaptainAnkles · 12/01/2015 14:25

You're doing too much for him. Stop dancing around him to keep him happy all the time so he can actually see what it's like when nobody cares about you. The ungrateful child.

Original poster
BeeRayKay · 12/01/2015 14:30

I know what it feels like to feel like no one cares on your birthday, my 18th sucked, my 21st more so, last one not one member of my family remembered it was my birthday. So I know it hurts. And I know taking your wife on a driving lesson and going to tesco aren't thrilling. But he said he'd do it because my test was this morning (which i failed wahay!) and i felt bad about that, because we always argue when i'm driving.

fuck i feel like shit.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 12/01/2015 15:44

He sounds horribly manipulative Op .

Jan45 · 12/01/2015 15:45

Yeah it does hurt but your OH is sounding like a spoilt little brat throwing his toys out the pram, you sound like you are falling over yourself to please him and getting negative feedback at the same time.

Sorry but it sounds like you don't want advice, you seem to think you are wrong no matter what, good luck, he sounds tiresome.

Original poster
BeeRayKay · 12/01/2015 15:47

I've taken all the advice I was given, in regards to talking to him and such and got no where.

@Badbalding...I guess he can be. Don't know if he's aware of it.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 12/01/2015 15:53

I agree with Jan.

Your 18th wasn't his birthday, and people did make an effort. The two are unrelated. He has no reason to be upset and is clearly PRETENDING to be upset. Him whinging that no one cares is pitiful.

On your part you seem all too keen to play along with the idea his birthday was shit and it's all your fault. That's also not healthy.

Original poster
BeeRayKay · 12/01/2015 16:11

I feel like his birthday was shit because it certainly isn't what I'd want. So it's hard to assuage myself of guilt.

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 12/01/2015 16:38

Well it's his problem isn't it.

Give it a couple of days and you need to have a serious talk with him.

This is the issue:

Normally when I go against something he's speciffically said he doesn't want he gets grumpy...

You organise all the nice things and he goes on and on about "no fuss".
So because he gets grumpy if you don't do what he tells you, you decide to make . .. no fuss.

If you weren't scared of his reaction and had confidence in your birthday choices, you'd have pushed on regardless.

You need to talk to him about:

  1. the fact he can be "grumpy" (for which I read "behaves in such a way towards you you don't want to risk it covert bullying) to such an extent that it causes you to modify your behaviour and try to avoid his grumpiness.
  1. The fact that the sole reason he didn't have a "special fuss made of him" birthday is not because "no one cares", but because he said REPEATEDLY he wanted "no fuss". In future, if he wants something, he shouldn't run round saying the opposite.
MairyHoles · 12/01/2015 17:10

I don't understand why he's disappointed, it sounds like you put loads of thought and effort into his birthday!

I don't care for birthdays much, said so to my partner, but for my 30th I bought myself a present so he could help the kids wrap it and they could "surprise" me. On my birthday I got handmade kids cards and a cup of tea in bed. And that's it, exactly how I wanted it.

If my partner had gone to all the bother and expense that you have gone to I would have been thrilled and surprised. Not ungrateful and childish. He asked for no fuss and can't be upset that not enough fuss was made.

I don't know what to advise you but I know I would be cancelling the February trip if he was that embarrassed.

And as for the present I bought myself, he forgot to get the kids to wrap it, so I got the "no fuss" I requested!

Imi22sleeping · 12/01/2015 22:10

My mums friends husband did this on his 50s bday went on and on and on about not wanting anything so he got nothing and spend the whole day in a huff cos no one celebrated his birthday . I think your husbands done the same thing. People on mn always jump on the abusive bandwagon but I think he's just been a tube. He was dreading his 30th and went it came realised he actually didn't wake up grey and wrinkly and could have enjoyed the day
Don't dwell just say look I had planned a nice time and you blew it. Too bad learn your lesson and let me plan your 40th!!! My mums friends husband actually had a lunch for his 60th and enjoyed it!!!

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