Sometimes I feel disappointed with my DH

[Purplemurplegurple]

We've been together 5 years and married for 2 of those years. We have a baby under 1. Sometimes I love DH so much and other times I feel so disappointed I think about divorce. :(

Our sex life has never been great, even at the beginning, if anything it's slowly improved though. We maybe do it once a week which is enough for me but I know he'd like more. Sometimes I'm upset that he doesn't pay me much attention and I don't feel like I get enough non-sexual physical affection, which then makes me annoyed when we go to bed and he starts trying to get into my pants. It makes me feel like I'm only good for that one thing. If I don't want sex he'll often just roll over and go to sleep. That sucks, sometimes I want some cuddles without having to go all the way! And then who knows, I might end up in the mood after all! I have tried explaining this but not sure if he really understands. It's great that he is still attracted to me though, at least.

Sometimes I look back on our wedding day and it was an amazing day but there is one thing which I feel sad about even now. I know people will think this is silly but I was disappointed by his speech. I was expecting the usual "when I first met DW the first thing I noticed was blah blah blah and I knew straight away she was special" or "she makes me so happy" or whatever. He didn't even mention the word love. His speech lasted about 60 seconds and all he did was thank my maid of honour for making the cake, my MIL for her help, and me for organising the wedding and making it a lovely day. I have told him a few times that I expected more and it obviously hurt his feelings. In my little fantasy relationship he would make it up to me by writing a new one for me to read. I think the reason I always dwell on this is because I wish he would say more nice things to me and make more romantic gestures, and the fact he couldn't even come up with something special to say in his grooms speech makes me realise that he's simply not the kind of man I will ever get this kind of affection from.

I just don't think he makes enough of an effort in the relationship. Makes no effort in his appearance. Here's another trivial and ridiculous example: he's had the same horrible baggy boxer shorts with an ugly pattern since we met 6 years ago, I told him fairly early on that I'd find it more attractive if he wore different ones, and I keep telling him occasionally since then. He's had six years to rectify this situation but has never once made the effort. I've obviously bought him some new ones myself but he still often wears the ugly ones. I don't make a huge effort myself but it's not like I wear ugly 'period knickers' all the time...

He spends all his free time on his laptop/iPad etc and doesn't seem to want to do anything special together or even have nice conversations, he only likes talking about his own interests. I just feel like if I met the right person at the right moment one day, someone who paid me the kind of attention he doesn't, I'd be in dangerous affair territory!

Bleeuegh I sound like such a cow. I don't know what to do. I can't leave him, I love him deep down, and I wouldn't want to break our lovely little family up, I just wish he didn't disappoint me so much. I don't know why I'm posting this, I just feel like having anonymous rant I guess.

P.S. If no-one replies to this, I shall feel sad, if people reply saying he sounds awful, I'll feel sad, and if people reply saying I am being a cow, I'll also feel sad, so I am not sure what I am really hoping for in response!

I'm just going to focus on one little thing. If someone told me to stop wearing my (not very attractive but comfortable) 'period' knickers as you call them, and go for something uncomfortable, skin irritating but (in their view) more sexy I'd feel inclined to ignore them.

The one thing that jumps out is that you are not spending quality time as a couple, don't have joint hobbies etc. He doesn't seem to be a great communicator. Concentrate on that. I think it is easy to adopt a routine of spending time on the laptop in the evening, and some people won't change unless they are challenged. He might not realise what you are missing in the relationship.

He obviously likes his baggy pants so let him wear them.

Now regarding the sex/intimacy issue, I have no advice but I agree that intimacy shouldn't have to mean sex. Have you tried cuddles etc during the daytime? When out and about? How does he react?

I can't leave him
Why not?
You aren't happy. He's not making you happy.
You get one life to be happy and you aren't.
You don't have to put up with it you know.
And don't say for the child. That's a horrible burden for a child to have to deal with. Mummy was unhappy most of her adult life because of me! Not fair.

Would he agree to some counselling?
Could you go to relate and get this back on track?

Throw his pants out next time they are put in the wash.

When I told my OH early on about his gross boxer shorts he soon got different ones, the ones I liked.

There are a couple of sentences which really jumped out at me from your post.

In my little fantasy relationship

he's simply not the kind of man I will ever get this kind of affection from

I just feel like if I met the right person at the right moment one day, someone who paid me the kind of attention he doesn't

On the one hand, I do agree with a PP that some of the comments you have made are a little unfair, especially about the clothing. Yes, it's nice to wear something you know your partner finds you attractive in. But changing your style of underwear, for example, is not really on. People wear clothes that aren't that attractive. I'm fairly certain my OH doesn't look at me in joggers and think "wow" - and I certainly don't think that when he's in a football shirt. But these are comfortable, lazing around clothes, and it doesn't/shouldn't affect how you fancy them overall, IMHO.

The intimacy issue can be a very big one, especially when you have young children, as it's hard to find the time to spend quality time together, to share hobbies and interests. It takes two to try and fix this, and only you can know if you feel he is putting no effort in or not reciprocating your efforts, or whether you haven't yet explained clearly how you feel.

But it's the "fantasy relationship" comment that really struck me. In essence, your post reads as though you are expecting him to be a completely different person from who he actually is. You're hoping he will dress differently, be more demonstrative, more spontaneous, more romantic. Many people are not like that. Many people just aren't the sort of people who will give a long and gushingly romantic wedding speech.

It's always hard to tell from one post and one viewpoint what the real story is. It could simply be that you are incompatible and, really, what it boils down to is that you are not in love with him and he is not the right man for you. And there is nothing wrong with that: in fact, there is everything right and sensible in looking at a relationship and realising that you aren't actually meant to be together because you're not making each other happy. But there's a part of your post that makes me feel a little like you've always wanted to change him, that you expect/hope he will turn into a different person, which could be blinding you to what is good in your relationship.

He doesn't seem to be a great communicator. Yes, you're right, he is a lovely chap in many ways but lacking in this respect. Maybe it's also the fact we've now got a baby which means we have less time than ever to just spend quality time together. I wish we had something nice to do together in the evenings after dinner and DS bedtime other than just staring at laptops/iPads/TV.

buttercup I think I might be in a similar boat. He doesn't do 'romantic' gestures but I guess practical things are his contribution.

Maybe we'll look into counselling if things don't improve in the next few months. Maybe it's the winter blues and things will improve when it gets nicer weather and we can go out places together as a family.

Thank you Thurlow, I do agree with your comments. I need to try and see the positives more. Sometimes I feel like I've got a grey cloud hanging over my head and I sometimes unfairly blame it on him.

If romance and romantic gestures are important to you (and that's fine) and he has never been that type. ...

why did you marry him?

You can't change someone's personality. If he was the same when you got together/got married then I think you're being rather unreasonable.

I think it sounds like you have expectations based on a fantasy, not reality and this is the source of your disappointment.

My DH made a very similar speech at our wedding. I knew that this is what would happen because the long loving speech just isn't him. It just isn't. He also has Lord Of The Rings boxer shorts from when the very first LOTR film came out

My point is that it is not the things themselves - it is the gap between your expectations and the reality. You know your DH - are the things you expect of him (ie writing a new speech) things that he would actually do?! If not, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment.

You need to shift your focus I think. Nothing is ever 100% all the time.

You need to either commit to the relationship or you need to move on.

In my little fantasy relationship he would...

I just wish he didn't disappoint me so much

You are putting a great deal of thought into 'if only' which changes nothing and just leaves you feeling crap about the fact that he isn't the man you want him to be.
This is a total waste of time and will never make you feel good.

Either commit to the relationship, accept that while he isn't perfect, neither is anyone else. Pick the battles that really matter, accept the bits you aren't mad about but can live with and put your energy and thoughts into enjoying the good bits.

Or accept that it isn't working and move on. Focus your energy on building a new future rather than living only through fantasies in your head.

Life isn't Mills and Boon. He loved you enough to marry you, the speech isn't important. Not all men can make public declarations in a poetic manner.

You sound a bit childish.

It doesn't sound like you love him - it seems more like you're in love with the person you wish he would be.

I feel sad for him that he's such a disappointment to you. Did you marry him thinking you could/would change him?

" I love him deep down,"

Are you sure about that? Because it looks to me that you are in love with a an idea of of a wedding, husband, family etc etc and that the man you picked for the job just happened to be the one nearest that fitted the hired tux. He doesn't appear to meet any of your expectations. You don't appear to want the same things out of life. 'Love' in that context?.... I can't see what it is about him you're claiming to love.

This does not make it a 'make your bed so lie on it' situation. It does not make either of you terrible people. It just makes you highly incompatible and that's a quick way for a life of resentment and unhappiness.

I feel sorry for your DH, you sound overly critical and as though you wish he was a completely different person. Did you only agree to marry him so you would get a fairy tale wedding?

I have told him a few times that I expected more and it obviously hurt his feelings. In my little fantasy relationship he would make it up to me by writing a new one for me to read.

Woah.

Poor guy. He'd never made a grooms speech before. He had no idea you had such a fantasy in your head. He was doomed to fail in your eyes before he even stood up.

Most grooms (mine included) just concentrate on thanking everyone. Mine certainly didn't make any flowery declarations of love to me - I think that was implied by him marrying me that morning!

How hurtful to be told by your spouse that you effectively let them down within hours of the wedding. And told "a few times".

I guess my 'fantasy relationship' would be equally unsatisfying as the fantasy version of my DH would not superficial and not genuine like he is. I am not sure if I ever expected him to change. Maybe there is just a lack of special moments recently which has led me to dwell on the disappointing side of things and not on the happier aspects.

Yes, I am very childish. I am basically a naive person who sometimes secretly wishes real life was like a naff rom-com starring Hugh Grant.

God I don't think you're being all that much of a cow anyone who says they haven't had at least one of these thoughts about their DH/LTP is lying I reckon! You certainly wouldn't be the first couple with a baby under 1 to feel a bit meh about your relationship.

However you can't make him the one responsible for all this. If you really love him it needs a bit of work to feel happy in your r'ship. Find something to do together. It doesn't have to be something like a regular candle-lit date or something falsely 'romantic'- just something where you look and talk to each other. Play a game. Do a jigsaw. Cook together. You need the friendly, relaxed connection before any of the other stuff in my view.

If you do this for a while and you're still feeling pissed off, well, you need to think again. You can't make him somebody else - but I think you know that.

I think I'm like your DH

I'm not romantic at all. In fact anything grand-gesture-ish leaves me cold. Iforget our anniversary & valentines. My presents to him are rubbish (aftershave) whereas his are always really well thought out. My baggy Tesco knickers are a standing joke (so comfortable!). So on all the softer stuff I'm not great.

But I do the budget, the bills, all the stressful stuff he doesn't like dealing with. I'm the organiser, the socialiser, the one who breaks the ice at parties.

What I'm saying is people are wired differently but that's not a reflection of you!

You're not being naive or childish. There sounds like a lot of sense in what you say about a lack of special moments recently. I'm sure most of us can think of moments where our OH (or any friend or family member) could have done something more romantic, or more meaningful.

The thing is whether you dwell on these things. Small things within a relationship are always worth working on. If you like surprise presents and a big deal made out of your birthday, and your DH hates presents and never makes a fuss, then as a couple you should try and meet in the middle. So there might be something to be gained from a sensible discussion within him about missing physical intimacy and wanting a few more cuddles - though you have to be prepared for him to say that, actually, he wants more X or Y in the relationship.

But just wishing he was more romantic is too much. It's wanting to change the nature of the person that you've chosen to marry.

IMO, the first year or two of being parents is insanely hard and brings an awful lot of issues like this to a head.

Do you tell your dh all these things, or do you expect him to "just know"?

All these super romantic, rom-com things, and all of those tear jerking speeches you see on YouTube... Have you ever met anyone / any man in real life who is like that? I haven't.

And one more thing: Having a baby is a game changer, and you need to sit down together and figure out how you are going to live your life. One thing is for sure, though. If you just sit there and wait for him to magically guess what you want him to do you're in for a long wait.

It does sound a little as if you have based your ideal relationship on a film fantasy.

I can't even remember what my husband's wedding speech consisted of. It was 30 years ago and it all passed in a bit of a blur of happiness that we were now married. It would almost certainly have included all the usual thankyous to bridesmaid, helpers etc etc. It was highly unlikely to have included any gushing descriptions of how wonderful I was and how lucky he was to have me. I knew then and I know now that he loves me and I love him.

Also there can't be many men who would willingly write a whole new speech to make up for a perceived lack on the day. That does sound like a scene from a romantic film.

I must admit that my husband had the most horrid y fronts - think psychedelic 70's prints when we met. One of the first things we did after the wedding was to go shopping together for some nice new boxer shorts. Problem solved. Can't you just buy him some new undies. You've had 5 years of Christmas and birthdays to get this sorted.

My husband isn't amazingly romantic, but neither am I really. He is affectionate though and I do see that a lack of hugs and non sexual contact would be upsetting to most people in a relationship.

I don't suppose anything I've said will make you change your mind, and why should it? Your problems sound quite deep rooted and maybe you are just not a good match.

Have you noticed that in your OP you don't say anything positive about him or mention any of his good qualities. This could be because he doesn't have any at all, but more likely it seems you are used to focusing on negatives, but the important issue is why you do this.

Can you identify when you started feeling like this? Is it since the birth of your baby or does it predate it? Or has it arisen since the wedding?

The wedding speech thing I would say is a bit childish, I see a lot of brides focus on one thing that didn't go exactly to plan and it's quite sad, I think people have expectations of a perfect fairy tale day and you seem to have that reality v fantasy disconnect. The boxer shorts thing is a bit off too, imagine if a man posted on here about his wife not making an effort with sexy underwear....he would be annihilated!

On the grounds of your OP I think the perceived lack of affection and interest in you is the big issue and this is why you're focusing on these items, a symptom rather than cause. But the important thing is why you feel like this, is it justified or are you making a mountain out of a molehill for other reasons, it's a period of adjustment being a new parent.

If you identify when you started feeling like this it might shed more light in it.

Oh and if it makes you feel any better, my DH threw up in the middle of our wedding! Ours was probably much more low key than yours though, he wasn't even wearing a suit (thank god!)

It might help if you sit down and make a list of all his good qualities. Think of the small nice things he's done for you down the years. Anyone can waffle on in a wedding speech, but a good partner is one who is there, who steps up, who really pitches in and keeps the family happy and ticking over.

As others have said, it seems like you're expecting him to read your mind. How about you just take over and push things in the right direction? One night this week, get all of the busy work out of the way, put baby to bed, order a takeaway and sit at the table, facing each other, without phones or distractions and just chat.
Ask him things you don't know about him, like what are his political views these days? What are the things he worries about? Is he happy in his job or would he secretly like to do something else etc.

You need to have a serious talk about the affection thing.

If he wants to have sex he comes to you, if you tell him you are not in the mood, he rightly leaves you alone without pressurising or making you feel guilt.
If you want cuddles you go to him, why can't you just tell him you want a cuddle but not sex?

Lookout for constellation therapy. Its used in Germany tons and in other countries, but is relatively new over here. It will help get you to the bigger picture, and therefore help him to the same place. try family-constellations.co.uk/