Sometimes I feel disappointed with my DH

[Purplemurplegurple]

We've been together 5 years and married for 2 of those years. We have a baby under 1. Sometimes I love DH so much and other times I feel so disappointed I think about divorce. :(

Our sex life has never been great, even at the beginning, if anything it's slowly improved though. We maybe do it once a week which is enough for me but I know he'd like more. Sometimes I'm upset that he doesn't pay me much attention and I don't feel like I get enough non-sexual physical affection, which then makes me annoyed when we go to bed and he starts trying to get into my pants. It makes me feel like I'm only good for that one thing. If I don't want sex he'll often just roll over and go to sleep. That sucks, sometimes I want some cuddles without having to go all the way! And then who knows, I might end up in the mood after all! I have tried explaining this but not sure if he really understands. It's great that he is still attracted to me though, at least.

Sometimes I look back on our wedding day and it was an amazing day but there is one thing which I feel sad about even now. I know people will think this is silly but I was disappointed by his speech. I was expecting the usual "when I first met DW the first thing I noticed was blah blah blah and I knew straight away she was special" or "she makes me so happy" or whatever. He didn't even mention the word love. His speech lasted about 60 seconds and all he did was thank my maid of honour for making the cake, my MIL for her help, and me for organising the wedding and making it a lovely day. I have told him a few times that I expected more and it obviously hurt his feelings. In my little fantasy relationship he would make it up to me by writing a new one for me to read. I think the reason I always dwell on this is because I wish he would say more nice things to me and make more romantic gestures, and the fact he couldn't even come up with something special to say in his grooms speech makes me realise that he's simply not the kind of man I will ever get this kind of affection from.

I just don't think he makes enough of an effort in the relationship. Makes no effort in his appearance. Here's another trivial and ridiculous example: he's had the same horrible baggy boxer shorts with an ugly pattern since we met 6 years ago, I told him fairly early on that I'd find it more attractive if he wore different ones, and I keep telling him occasionally since then. He's had six years to rectify this situation but has never once made the effort. I've obviously bought him some new ones myself but he still often wears the ugly ones. I don't make a huge effort myself but it's not like I wear ugly 'period knickers' all the time...

He spends all his free time on his laptop/iPad etc and doesn't seem to want to do anything special together or even have nice conversations, he only likes talking about his own interests. I just feel like if I met the right person at the right moment one day, someone who paid me the kind of attention he doesn't, I'd be in dangerous affair territory!

Bleeuegh I sound like such a cow. I don't know what to do. I can't leave him, I love him deep down, and I wouldn't want to break our lovely little family up, I just wish he didn't disappoint me so much. I don't know why I'm posting this, I just feel like having anonymous rant I guess.

P.S. If no-one replies to this, I shall feel sad, if people reply saying he sounds awful, I'll feel sad, and if people reply saying I am being a cow, I'll also feel sad, so I am not sure what I am really hoping for in response!

I am in a similar position. I am happy ish but dh isn't all that I dreamed about really. Wears and takes pride in five year old boxes and horrible t shirts around the house. One by one I have got rid of a lot of the horrible clothes.

He also made a song and dance about the price of an engagement ring and I bought my own eternity ring, only to find out he has savings - huge savings I didn't know about for years.

I am starting to pull away emotionally over the repetitive boring nature of the relationship and dream of meeting someone who makes me feel worth it.

His world may be dominated by saying less to protect him from hurt. It may have NOTHING to do with you, or even what he feels about you!!

The main thing that sticks out here is a perceived lack of romance/affection from DH to you. But, you don't mention being affectionate with him either. It reads a bit like you expect him to do X, Y and Z and are upset that those things aren't happening but that you're not really doing anything for him either.

Life with a young baby is tiring and exhausting, we all know that, but you need to make time for yourselves as a couple. Are you ever affectionate with him? Do you ever sit down and have dinner together (no phones, when baby is asleep) and talk without distractions? It's so easy to get into a rut with a baby, but you can get out of it.

I think you need to sit and talk to him. Explain how things make you feel, but be prepared to listen to him as well. I sympathise with your feelings but I also have some sympathy for your DH. He does initiate sex and gets rejected and probably feels a little unloved. You shot down his wedding speech and told him it wasn't good enough - that's hardly a great start to a marriage!

If you want affection, then be affectionate. It's not his job to cuddle you all the time! If you want a cuddle, ask for one, or go and get one. He's not going to know what you want unless you either tell him or show him. He sees you rejecting sex and it's probably a bit of a blow to his self-esteem if it happens a lot, but if you start initiating some cuddles or whatever, he can learn that you do want to be close. He might feel like you don't want that anymore?

Good luck.

I do think that what you want is make believe & no man will deliver on it long term bh.

You need to look at his positives & grow up a little, you are married & have a child together-how exactly could he show you more that he loves you?

rafenauen I know that he doesn't have a close and affectionate relationship with his parents. They aren't the huggy kissy 'we're proud of you son' type parents. They certainly don't share feelings, worries etc with eachother. Maybe that explains why he doesn't like to open up about his feelings.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually it did cross my mind that a bloke would be flamed for complaining about wife not wearing sexy underwear! One positive thing about my DH is that he finds me extremely sexy in a baggy t-shirt and boring pants. I always think he's joking but that look seems to turn him on more that any dolled-up glamorous effort! In answer to your question, I have always had the little disappointments in the back of my mind but normally look past it, in the last few months I've been dwelling on it a lot more.

I might start another thread for ideas on nice things to do for a couple to spend quality time together (other than sex of course) at home on a winters evening, when you have a baby upstairs in bed! This thread has helped me realise that we've not had a good 'connection' recently but there must be ways we can reconnect and then maybe I'll start to appreciate him more and not just focus on disappointments.

He didn't make a public speech about what a special little princess you are, and he wears ugly pants even though you don't like them. He doesn't "sound awful" at all, but you're not sounding such a catch yourself.

Do you have anything in common at all? Things you both like doing, hobbies, interests, films, anything? Do you talk about things and communicate with each other? Has he changed or have you?

Sorry for all the questions, but I'm struggling to understand your relationship and why it worked then, but not now.

Bolshier you are married & have a child together-how exactly could he show you more that he loves you?

Being married and having a child together are not the pinnacle of someone showing that they love you! There are thousands of awful people who get married and have children so it's hardly a barometer. Just thought I'd say that.

OP, I think you need to tell your DH straight. Don't expect any answers or immediate change though or even a response initially. It may need time to sink in. I think if you hate the baggy pants so much then you should say so but offer for him to get rid of something equivalent of yours (try to make it a bit funny).

I think you should tell him you want to listen to him, to speak to him, that you want time without the Ipads and tech distractions... that you love him, he's a great dad (even if he's average, pick out the best bits he does, like if he's patient with your DC when putting on shoes or coat, if he always makes them giggle on the swings... small but specific stuff.

What would be verrrry powerful is writing him a letter. This has a massive impact on most people.

Start by something good ("DH I love you very much, you did x, y and z and that was great. (expand here). But I do feel the need to share some things with you that have bothered me/are bothering me. (expand here).
But you are a great DH and DF to our DC and I want to make sure we continue to be a happy family unit together. If there are things about me that bother you, tell me, talk to me. I love you."

You'll do better getting him on-side I think.

Aware that there are plenty of married fuckwits with children out there but this is clearly not the case here...

She says herself that the wedding day was amazing yet chooses to focus on the fact that DH speech wasn't all hearts & flowers BS-don't think the problem is him somehow...

firesidechat When we met, we were students and bonded over smoking and chatting all night, sometimes we did silly childish things like building a blanket fort and sitting in it smoking, I think we sometimes watched funny TV shows, stoner films, played videogames or listed to music too. The smoking stopped long ago but now we enjoy good wine together, good food, going to restaurants, staying in nice hotels, basically 'occasional' things which aren't always that compatible with having a small baby.

Nowadays, since we've had DS, all we really do as a couple is watch Netflix. Even then a lot of the time neither of us are really paying attention, he'll be on his laptop,doing whatever and I'll be reading the news or mumsnet on my iPad. He spends most of his free time coding, making apps, which I sometimes join in with the design aspect, it's not something I'm really passionate about though. We both like photography but it's not something we really like to do 'together'.

OhMittens I do like your suggestion, but I have tried this sort of thing many times and he seems to just close himself off, I think he really struggles with having these sort of emotional conversations.

My whole relationship is watching Netflix, with the occasional holiday

Do you never curl up on the sofa, have a cuddle and watch a film together?

To be honest if you are so unhappy with your relationship and your husband in particular, then I don't know what can be done to help.

After 30 years our relationship is mostly as mundane as yours on day to day basis - involves quite a lot of slumping in front of the tv because my husband has a demanding job with a long commute and is frankly too exhausted to do much else.

We have have shared interests though, which we do together at weekends. We both like art and antiques and going to the cinema and meals out. Now the children are grown up all these things are easy to do.

One thing I will say is that although our lives aren't full of romance (not talking about sex here) and excitement, he is the only person that I can spend 24/7 with and not want to kill at the end of it.

I suppose I'm at a bit of a loss to give any meaningful advice. Sorry.

I think you've had a hard time here OP. FWIW I think you sound lovely and the things you want (cuddles, affection, laughter, connection, communication, doing things together) are normal things to want from your relationship. I've been to plenty of weddings where the groom says how much he loves his bride and it always make me choke up!

It seems to me that you met during a very different period of your life and that the relationship may have run its course. The fact that you're married and have a baby are irrelevant really if you're not fundamentally suited to each other and are incompatible (i.e. it's not worth sticking it out for life just because you are married).

I think you're definitely at risk of meeting someone eventually who is warm, affectionate and interested in you (not just in themselves). And the fallout from an affair would be much, much worse than leaving now and freeing yourself up to meet someone else who is more compatible with you.

Food for thought, anyway. I'm not saying you should leave. But I think you could possibly consider it.

Best of luck.

I don't think they sound incompatible, just a bit stuck. It's easy to lose yourselves as a "couple" when you're caught up in being parents and looking after a small baby. When you're not sleeping and your focus is getting through the day without collapsing from sleep-deprivation, it's easy to just collapse on the sofa and not bother.

OP, I think you guys need to set up some couple time. If you have anyone around, you could get a babysitter and have a "date night" occasionally? Or when baby naps or is asleep, you could just have nice meals together at home and talk without any distractions. What about things like board or card games, or puzzles or video games? Things like that are free but they can be great fun, especially with a couple of glasses of wine or a takeaway.

If you love him, it's worth working on this. You had good times together before and you can get that back, you just need to get your couple time back and focus on each other a bit more.

I think if you want specific things from your partner, then you need to ask. If they are a practical sort without much imagination, then you need to spell it out like captain obvious. You also have to take into account that they might say no, or that it would make them uncomfortable, and respect that. However, there are always compromises to be had if you are prepared to discuss them. If he doesn't do heavy emotional conversations, then maybe try and be a bit less weepy about it, and more calmly problem/solution driven.

But you have to frame these things in a positive manner, otherwise anyone would just end up feeling like shit and in no way inclined to make much effort because what's the point? You're clearly shit and useless...etc.

So if you want more affection, go over to him smiling, tell him "I WANT MORE AFFECTION!" and give him a huge hug, then go back to what you were doing. Take his hand when watching a film together. Whatever. You might ideally just want him to "know" these things and do them without asking, but no-one like that exists in reality.

I knew I would be disappointed if my partner didn't say a single nice thing about me in his speech at the wedding, and also that he hasn't been to a wedding since he was a child so might not think about it. So instead of just wringing my hands over it I just told him straight;

"In the grooms speech it's traditional to say something nice about the bride. Are you listening? TRADITIONAL TO SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE BRIDE. THAT'S ME. Speech. Bride. Something nice". We laughed about it and he rolled his eyes. But now he knows it's important to me, and whatever he ends up saying, I will love him for trying.

And isn't that kind of the thing? A good partner will want their spouse to be happy. If you tell them how to do that (within reason), most will try their best.

For the nice ideas, how about arranging a babysitter one friday, and booking a nice restaurant through groupon or something. When he gets home, have a suit laid out for him and "SURPRISE! We're going to that restaurant you always wanted".

Organise one evening a week where you take turns to cook, but it has to be a meal from a different country. Music from that country also has to be sourced and played during the dinner. You can have a lot of fun with this together, especially if you each keep it a surprise from the other until the meal is unveiled. It takes much less effort than it sounds. If you both love films, you could also throw in a film from that country to watch after dinner.

I once threw a surprise quiz for my partner. No reason, other than I thought it would be fun. You can find timer music, correct noises and WRONG noises easily on youtube. Working out a mix of questions that he would know, not know, might possible know, etc is also fun. Just don't make it a quiz about "HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME/OUR RELATIONSHIP" because that's desperate, un-enjoyable, and put's a lot of pressure on him.

Kaykayred That is a lovely post, thank you so much. I will definitely use some of your suggestions!

For what it's worth, the grooms speech thing is something which just often comes back to me when I'm moody with DH. It's not my main memory of the day. The rest of the day was lovely (mostly thanks to my planning, that is...) and I've never been one of these people who focuses on the dream wedding day rather than the marriage itself. I guess I was secretly hoping for him to make a special effort on the day, but like kaykayred said, maybe I should have just spelt it out to him... My dad's speech and the best man's speech were more heartfelt than DH's... If we ever renew our vows in 30 or so years time, he knows what to do! Anyway, I guess I should just try to put that little disappointment behind me as 2 years have since passed.

My DH's wedding speech was rubbish and I was a bit disappointed. He hardly mentioned me in it and then he said that I was the most attractive woman he knew (good) but that that was because I was now his wife (bad). I may not have remembered that quite right but it was a clumsy, ill-prepared speech overall.

But I've got over it. The last 6 years have shown me that he does think I'm attractive, he does love me, and that the things he does for me on a daily basis mean far more than any loving, gushy speech could.

He also wrote me letters when we were dating. I loved them. I haven't had a single letter since we got married. But then have I written to him? No.

Basically, the romantic gestures are all very well, but it is the day-to-day issues that are far, far more important. My DH helps massively with our DC, does loads of chores around the house, supports me in my career, and does a lot of the mundane chores like bills and finances. This is real love - shown in actions rather than words.

RE the evenings in together, I agree they can get dull, but I think it's harder in the winter. There's less to do. TBH after getting the kids to bed I quite often fancy an hour of MN, reading or watching TV on my own.

I think that you sound a bit too critical. Perhaps he daren't do X or Y, because on some level he just knows he get it right?
For example, the speech. When one of the children does something like speaking in public, and it's not great, we don't criticise or complain. We bolster them up, point out the successful bits and they get better next time. Same with DP.

Please try to be more kind and less critical. I learned this the hard way.

I would also say that its ok to ban the Internet, be it laptops/iPads/smartphone from the living room in the evening. We've done that and its much better.

Ah...... This is the problem with meeting people at uni. So often it's just a three or four year 'holiday romance' with knobs on. No responsibilities, no expectations, no money.... just all the time in the world to drink, smoke and witter on about nothing. Sitting in a blanket tent with handsome boyfriend in his grungy pants smoking feels like the last word in romance until you realise that was the zenith of someone's ability to be spontaneous Add a mortgage, a baby and a Ford Focus to the equation and you're going to wonder 'is this it?'

If you're not to grow apart you're going to have to get real and make a joint effort to grow together

Date nights! Definitely. Babies breed resentment - who's working harder, who has more relaxation time... often you will both be too knackered for anything of an evening. I'd love an attentive husband who have me a massage and endless cups of tea - but the reality is he's too tired to be all giving at the end of a hard day, and so am I. Co-existing all week is very normal - resentment is not healthy. Have weekly or fortnightly dates, it will definitely help. Get dolled up, go to Pizza Express or whatever for a couple of hours and sit opposite each other and talk and flirt. Walk home holding hands and then go to bed without touching iPhones! You'll feel so much closer and part of a team again. Fwiw me and DH are a holiday romance that lasted - we go through patches of resentment and annoyance and now know we have to make the effort to be the lovers we were so easily pre children. Don't let the resentment build up - be kinder to him, he is working hard and so are you. Make time where you both have the energy and capacity to be together and be loving. Sometimes the living room is more like the staff room where you are just recharging with company before sleeping. Getting out of the house is key.

Take your Richard Curtis boxsets back.

Recently we have both been under strain with work. Our relationship has always been close and healthy and very open about sex and fantasies. He loves that he can be totally open with me as he felt he never had this previously. WE have been together for 4 years.
Recently we decided to make an effort and book a meal. Change of scenery and relax and also to ignite a bit of passion.I wore a hot dress and felt great.

We had a lovely evening and although both of us felt tired we had a close and intimate evening. Not so much like we used to but I kept saying to myself we have relaxed and don't have to put expectations on our relationship.

The following morning we woke up, i tried to instigate sex but he was tired and wanted to cuddle with me instead. I felt a little shot down, but I cuddled into him. He fell asleep so i got up and showered, he woke and we chatted and I started drying my hair. I noticed he had gone quiet and turned around to find him 'enjoying himself'.
Wasn't sure what to say. A feeling of being left out of the private party came over me but i just raised an eyebrow and continued drying my hair.
On reflection though throughout the day I felt this nagging feeling. Why would he do that in front of me. Maybe he felt totally comfortable and wanted to at that time. But why didn't he instigate it earlier? He had me there and didn't and chose to enjoy himself.
Would this bother you and would you think it a reflection on your sex life and should be worried.?

I am totaly sorry OP. the page froze and I uploaded a new topic in yours by accident!!!

totally mortified... ignore this everyone who is on OPs thread!

Op by all means share what you've said here with your Dh, but you need to be prepared for him to tell you how you disappoint him. Considering you took his speech so hard, it might be difficult for you to hear.
No ones real life relationship is a Disney movie. I'm really lucky because my husband is, what many would call a romantic, but that doesn't make him or me perfect. The way you support each other through tough spots says more about you as a couple than a bunch of flowers ever will.
I agree with others, date nights, making evenings in a bit more special and finding a joint interest will help you reconnect, but the effort needs to come from you as well !