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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner just said he wants to leave. I'm desperate to shore things up. Any advice?

46 replies

AnnaNimmus · 12/01/2015 10:56

Things have never really been great with my partner and this morning he said he was unhappy and thought probably best if we split up. We have one DS, 5. We then had a huge row and DS heard all. I'm so worried about the effect this is having / will have on him. I so want to protect him. I know things are not ideal but I'm desperate to try everything before giving up, for DS. He is open-ish to counselling. Any advice on what's the best type? Is Relate any good? Thank you...

OP posts:
longtallsally2 · 12/01/2015 10:59

Yes, Relate are very good.

Sorry to hear that you are having tough times.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2015 11:00

"never really been great"

why would you want to cling on to something like that ?

I would let it go, and move on. Go to Relate if you wish, but use it as a way to carve an amicable co-parenting relationship post-split

That is my advice

btw, "desperate" is never a good basis for anything....it tends to get you shat on

HootyMcTooty · 12/01/2015 11:03

I agree with AF.

Original poster
AnnaNimmus · 12/01/2015 11:09

Because on both sides we would be in seriously difficult circumstances if we were on our own. Him financially, me health-wise. So I honestly think that carrying on in a slightly shit relationship is in many important ways better than breaking up and both of us really struggling, and unable to give a basic level of stability to our son.

But the arguing is clearly not good for DS, so I want to try counselling. But Im clueless about what is the best route to take here, so I'd really, really like to find out what experiences of counselling people have had. Mumsnet is the best place to ask I think - I can't exactly send round a global email at work and I have very few close friends or family to ask for support.

I don't want to make him see someone who is a bit shit and doesn't really help, cos that will probably make him close off that route, iyswim.

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 12/01/2015 11:13

Sorry but if he doesn't want to be with you the you shouldn't try and force him to stay. It will only lead to resentment. Life is too short to waste on a "slightly shit relationship" for either of you. And it's a shit example of a good relationship for your DS.

Original poster
AnnaNimmus · 12/01/2015 11:14

If anyone with experience of counselling, good or bad, has time to post a few lines, that would be really great. Thanks loads.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/01/2015 11:17

but he doesn't want to be with you

clinging on just defeats the object

one person cannot "hold things together" if the other wants out

Lweji · 12/01/2015 11:23

The stability you give your son is probably better if you are happy separated than with nasty rows together.

I don't think anyone can advise on what is the best counsellour. I think you should "interview" a small number and go for the one that both of you are happiest with.

I found Transactional Analysis very interesting and useful. It deals particularly with relationships and exchanges, so it might be good for you to try. It was mentioned to me at a workshop.

However, I wouldn't recommend trying to hold on to him at any cost, and I'd start planning my life with him just in case.

Unpronounceable · 12/01/2015 11:23

I went to couples counselling with my XH. It didn't work for us.

You say that he is openISH to go to counselling? Really, you need to both be on board and committed to making changes and have a real desire to continue your marriage. It doesn't sound as though your DH feels this way.

It's very hard to accept, I do understand, but flogging away at a dead horse will likely just extend the pain and cause more trauma to your DS.

Lweji · 12/01/2015 11:27

Also, when you say that things have never been great, what do you mean?

If there is abuse (by either of you) counselling is not recommended anyway.

Original poster
AnnaNimmus · 12/01/2015 11:28

Thanks posters. If the counselling shows us that there's no way forward together, I'm also viewing it as a way to help us manage the breakup, financial separation, custody etc, and to co-parent DS amicably.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnaNimmus · 12/01/2015 11:29

Things have never been great = basically, we both find each other difficult to live with. No, there's been no abuse. Just rows.

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/01/2015 11:34

Ups, sorry
"I'd start planning my life without him just in case."

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2015 11:40

My husband and I had counselling for fertility issues and also Christian counselling for issues because of the fertility. It was very helpful.

I don't know what is available to you locally and I guess Relate is a place to start.

I think one issue is really do you love each other or did you once, can you regain that love.

I think it is good to try to build your relationship up or to re-build it a new, not for the sake of your son but for yourselves, if you can build it up as new thing and love each other that would be great.

I sense you may both have your own motives for staying which are not about love, perhaps in a good light about support for each other of for simply getting the support you each need.

If you do go for counselling go into it with as much of an open mind and heart as you can. Be prepared to look at things in a new way and see a new way ahead.

If there is no abuse and he is basically a good guy who you argue with a lot there may be a way to move forward. If it is in any way a dangerous or risky situation for either of you then I would not want to stay.

Agree with Lweji when they say I don't think anyone can advise on what is the best counsellour. I think you should "interview" a small number and go for the one that both of you are happiest with.

And you say If the counselling shows us that there's no way forward together, I'm also viewing it as a way to help us manage the breakup, financial separation, custody etc, and to co-parent DS amicably. I agree, it can only help.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2015 11:41

But I also agree with Lweji because I would start to think of planning my life without him just in case.

Original poster
AnnaNimmus · 12/01/2015 11:42

Thanks greyhound.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2015 11:45

'Just rows'... makes a horrible atmosphere to grow up in. I'm afraid I agree with the opinion that if you are desperate to shore something up, that is not a good basis for counselling or a healthy relationship

Viviennemary · 12/01/2015 11:52

I agree that if it's not that great by your own admission maybe it is time to split up. I think counselling can be helpful if there are 'issues' to be resolved but if it's just a generally not very great relationship I don't know if it would be helpful. But no harm in giving it a go. And it might clarify things for you both.

lemisscared · 12/01/2015 11:56

are there reasons for the rows? what are they?

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 12/01/2015 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AnnaNimmus · 12/01/2015 12:12

I don't find my DP an easy person to get on with a lot of the time. He doesn't like to communicate much, can be cold and closed off. I think he doesn't offer much love or empathy. On the other hand, I think he finds me draining and clingy. We don't communicate well. He often misinterprets or malinterprets what I say to him. I sometimes find that, months later, he has an impression of what I meant when I made some casual comment about something, that wasn't what I had meant at all. I find him a bit "socially autistic" - not in a medical way. Hope that isn't offensive to anyone, I just mean there seems to be sometimes a bit of a missing connection in the empathy / social communication part of his head!

He's very active, outdoorsy and likes going out with male mates. I'm much less able to be active cos I have a non-serious health issue that debilitates me quite often. Anyway / because of this, I'm more of a homebody and am happy to have more coupley nights in in front of a DVD etc. He's not that keen on this.

We have a lot of rows / disagreements about minor issues - how / what to feed DS, how much TV he should watch, what we should all eat for lunch, who should cook it, what we should do that day...It's not that one of us is lazy and doesn't pull weight around the house. He is more hardline about DS than I am, but I'm no fan of sweets and too much TV either. He just seems quite unreasonable and inflexible to me a lot of the time. Life with him seems like hard work.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 12/01/2015 12:14

Are the rows about the same thing over and over? What are they about mostly

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2015 12:14

You sound fundamentally incompatible. You don't have to be with a bad person to be with the wrong person. People talk about working at relationships and whilst I think any good friendship needs attention and thought, I don't think being with someone you love and like should ever require huge amounts of effort.

Quitelikely · 12/01/2015 12:16

X posted.

Gosh that's a lot of issues there. I really think you two are incompatible. It does happen. Maybe it's best to just accept that. There doesn't always have to be one big thing that tears a relationship apart.............

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 12/01/2015 12:21

Things have never really been great with my partner

We have one DS, 5

I know things are not ideal but I'm desperate to try everything before giving up

So things have never been good and this has been the case for at least 5 years? See, I think if you had a good foundation, but hit a rocky patch then that's one thing but trying to repair something that's fitted anyway is another.

Your later post points to serious compatability issues.

I hope you find the best way forward. This must be tough.