Partner just said he wants to leave. I'm desperate to shore things up. Any advice?

[AnnaNimmus]

Things have never really been great with my partner and this morning he said he was unhappy and thought probably best if we split up. We have one DS, 5. We then had a huge row and DS heard all. I'm so worried about the effect this is having / will have on him. I so want to protect him. I know things are not ideal but I'm desperate to try everything before giving up, for DS. He is open-ish to counselling. Any advice on what's the best type? Is Relate any good? Thank you...

I don't see why you would cling on to someone who is so awful to live with. It is not setting a good example to your child of what a healthy relationship should be like.

Just let him go. He doesn't want to be with you. Nothing you can say or do will change that.

Yes, I know. But the thing is, whether it's bad enough to break up over. If it were easy to walk away (i.e. if I didn't have this health issue), yes, of course I would.

But as a LP I would really struggle to give DS a good childhood. As I said, I have no other support (close friends / family). And DP would really struggle too, cos he has basically no money apart from his salary and is dependent on me for a roof over his head.

He talked this morning about moving to a big city far away where his parents live, so he can get a job there and move in with them. This is basically his only option.

So if we split, I guess DS will be spending EOW down there, and I presume no midweek contact, as unfeasible. Plus if I have a health crisis, he's too far away to give support. I don't think this is great for DS, him, or me, is it?

Forgive me for sounding new-agey but at least your lives would be "true". It must be exhausting for all three of you to live like this.

For valid reasons, we've never been able to have counselling, until last year. Last year, things seemed better at first, so we didn't feel the need.

They've just got worse again, so we've agreed to counselling. Obviously it was a mistake to not start counselling last year. I wonder if things would have been different if we'd been able to have regular counselling MUCH earlier. Or not.

You and your partner don't sound in any way compatible or that you even like each other. I don't think it's realistic or healthy to cling to such an unhappy, mismatched relationship just because you are scared of going it alone.

I understand money may be tight, but many things will be easier if your partner's not there disagreeing with you about everything.

If you have a health condition you may be able to get help from SS.

Thanks all, I think it's clear where you're all coming from.

This book might be helpful. It's good on what is your responsibility and what isn't and how to channel your anger into changing yourself (your responsibility and hard but doable) rather than trying to change others (not your responsibility and utterly futile.) If he definitely wants out there is nothing you can do about that and you'd be selling yourself short massively if you waste time and energy trying because of a desperate wish not to be a single parent. But the kinds of day-to-day difficulties you describe sound quite common and if both of you want to try and stay then Relate could be helpful, I'd have thought. It may also help him (and you) decide if you have a future together or not.

I sympathise, anna. If you have health problems then things are 100 times more difficult. It isn't a matter of makign it through the next few months; it's a problem for the very long haul. If you are on your own and have a crisis, you can be left with no way forward.

There is a very big problem if your husband wants to leave though. In the end you can't stop him. How does he see staying together for your son, given your situation?

Counselling does sound the way to go, as others have said try a few til you can find one with whom you can click.

Would childcare be an option for your son, financially, for the crunch times?

I don't know Meerka tbh, I guess that's what we'll find out at counselling. I don't think childcare will help as my health issues aren't predictable, they just pop up and I'm knocked out for a few days. I very much doubt SS would be able to do anything either.

Anyway I have made an appointment at Relate so I guess we'll just take it from there.

Thanks again everyone.

Another one saying, let him go. Trying to guilt him into staying with you when you don't actually love or like him very much but need his assistance will backfire horribly: he will resent you more and more as time goes by, and you will resent him for not being more loving towards you.
Not only is it unworkable to cling on to a partner who wants to leave, it's unethical. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship that isn't making him/her happy.
Do some research about any benefits you will get as a single parent and what help is available for your health issues - and also how much maintenance you can expect from your partner. It's always useful to know the facts.

op, would you really want a sexual partner to stay with you purely because they feel sorry for you ?

That is the path you are going down I am afraid

in his position, I would feel like you were trying to guilt trip me

if you split, he will still be the kids father and would be expected to step up practically when required

I feel very strongly that if someone really wants to exit the romantic live in relationship, you should wave them off immediately. But make sure he fulfils his obligations wrt to the kids.

You certainly sound incompatible and I wonder if you could use counselling to explore ways of co-parenting after a split.

I don't know if this would be totally shot down, but could you provide some financial support to enable your husband to remain local, or would that impact of your own financial stability?

Why don't you find a counsellor for yourself initially and work out what triggers you to get cross, why you fear doing it all alone or him not attending social events with you.
If he is one kind of person and you another then unless you understand compromise and how far to go then it will never work.
It does sound a very literal co-dependent relationship - he helps with your disability, you house him - and that is never going to be a healthy dynamic.

When you have physical health difficulties, it really isn't as simple as just split up, you'll both be happier.

What happens when the OP ends up in physical distress and literally unable to take the child to school? when she doesn't have the energy to wash his clothes or she becomes inconsistent because her 5 year old is mithering her and she just does not have the energy to hold firm and not give in? What shoudl she do then? what can she do because any action would take more energy which she just doesn't have?

What happens when she can't go shopping? Can't cook for him?

She's said outright that she doesn't have close friends / family to rely on.

Getting social services help is an extremely difficult task and not perfect even when you do.

It's easy to say 'be true to yourself' and "don't rely on someone whom you're incompatible with". But actually finding alternatives can be extremely difficult to impossible. It's not just her - it's providing childcare for her son too.

And everyone knows that a lot of fathers loose touch with their child once they are separated. If they aren't that worried about their kid(s) then its easy for them to not turn up to pick up the kid. Especially if he lives far away with his parents.

I'm not saying do nothing. But it's not as easy as some people are thinking. The OP cannot just go to counselling and separate without much trouble if the counselling doesn't work out.

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy and it's not a healthy environment for DS to grow up in. It will impact on him and that impact will last for the rest of his life.

Neither of you sound happy and unhappy parents often mean unhappy children. It's not fair on your DS to grow up in an unhappy household. He doesn't want to be there and I think it would be very selfish of you to try and force this to work when it clearly never really has.

Counselling on how to co-parent may well be a good idea in the future, but if you two have never really been happy at all since you got together, it doesn't really seem like there's anything to be fixed relationship-wise.

I'm with Meerka on this. I think the OP's DS may well become a young carer at a frighteningly early age. And young carers get very little support - by and large it's often a bit of extra help at school and a chance to get a break at what amounts to a specialist youth club every so often, even if they're lucky.

OP, I think it would be a good idea to get counselling. If the decision is that you and your partner separate, then I believe you have to carry on going to counselling to work out ways of ensuring your DS doesn't end up as a young carer.

Can't you all move near his parents? Then there would be some support. Ds could perhaps live more with his dad if needed so you can recover etc?

If you & OH are always fighting (or even if you aren't, but you are generally disinterested in one another - i.e. not setting the example to your DS of a loving relationship) then you should not be staying for your DS. The best thing for your child would be to have both parents happy, even if that means you are separated.

However, if you and your OH once had something good, or you think the two of you can work at it to turn it into a decent relationship, then I do think it's worth trying counseling, and trying different ways to reconnect. But do not stay in a poor relationship just for your DS, that will not be doing him any favours. And if the attempts to bring the relationship to a better place fail, then I think it's time to move on.

OP, I have health issues which mean I am disabled but the level of disability varies from week to week and sometimes even day to day.

I recently decided that if my DH wished to leave (he doesn't and we do have a good relationship but you've got to think of the future), I would let him go. You can't force someone to be your carer, it will just cause resentment and more rows. Sounds like you need to be apart but is there anywhere else you can turn for support? Emotionally or financially.

Because you are ill, would either of you consider the possibility of DS living with his dad and visiting you instead?
Maybe not immediately, but if you get worse?
Indeed it wouldn't be fair on your DS to become your carer. Nor for you to damage your health whilst caring for him.

Anna I hope you are able to do what is right for you all. I noticed from your post that you said your partner said he was ...unhappy and thought probably best if we split up. That is not exactly the same as 'I must leave now!' It sounds as if he has recognised he is unhappy and is looking for ways to change that. Of course you cannot force him to stay or force him to change but could you both move into a new phase in the relationship?

I could be way off base here but I wonder if it is your house and he lives there, maybe his job is not so great and he feels like less of a man, apologises I am a feminist but I am just wondering how he may feel!

You both argue and have been together a while and maybe he is hitting that stage in life/ in the relationship where things are not going well and is he thinking what next? Is this it? Are you thinking that, or would you be if you were physically more healthy? That for either of you might be leaving or it might be a change in the family dynamics.

Of course you have to think of your son but I am not sure your posts have implied he would end up as your carer! Or have I missed something?

If you are the best person to parent your son at age 5 I certainly would not be sending him off to live with his dad miles away (if I were in your shoes). I wonder how many of us would want to do that. Your partner wants to leave, I would not want my son too unless I really could not care for him.

But the suggestion that you all move nearer his family for the support, might that work?

Another option if space allows might be a trial separation where he stays in the house but you live separately, or at least sleep separately while you work on your issues. I am not sure I would recommend this but just wondered.

I do think you are portraying that your need of each other is very practical and that may well not be the full story. Many couples are quite different. My dh is very different to me, he is very sporty and I am not! We hav ebeen married almost 14 years and are still pretty much chalk and cheese although we have moved a bit closer to each other personality wise! Yet still I am very sociable, and he is not. But we love each other and have found things to do together that celebrate that, while also be very different people. We have also argued a fair bit in the past, but have both worked through issues, like fertility issues, and come out the other side stronger.

Ultimately, if you do manage to do this I think you must be able to see each other as man and woman, loveable, desirable, etc etc and not just someone to put a roof over the head or someone to support you when not so well. You need to find the passion and love, either again, or for the first time. Whether you do it or not will be up to both of you. But I would not write him off, he doesn't sound totally out of it yet, and I would do all I could to make sure he did not write me off, if I thought we really had a shot at making it work. No one else can live your life for you. Only you know what is really going on in your heart. I think to write it all off without some sort of fight would be unethical.

All the best.