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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help! when and how to tell new man you have a child?

33 replies

chanti · 16/10/2006 12:16

Help!! I met a lovely man a few weeks ago and we've been out on 3 dates. I really like him and i'm starting to think i should tell him i have a daughter. Has anyone out ther been in this situation? I would really appreciate some advice! Thanks.

OP posts:

TortUREoiseChamber · 16/10/2006 12:17

Best to be honest straight away i think.

WelshBoris · 16/10/2006 12:17

straight away

youre not ashamed of her are you?

if it bothers him hes not worth it

Kidstrack · 16/10/2006 12:22

prob best straight away, but now as you have been on a few dates, just say you were protecting yourself and your dd, just say you didn't want just any man in your dd's life and you had to make sure before you told him, i'm sure he will understand if he is a decent bloke

Judy1234 · 16/10/2006 12:45

I don't think I've met anyone without before the meeting telling them I have children. I would do it soon. Some men prefer women with children, I've found divorced fathers like that as you then understand their obligations as a father etc.

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2006 13:06

I always make sure they know before I meet them. I'd tell him soonest - but make her sound like a bonus, don't apologise for her or your situation!

NAB3 · 16/10/2006 13:14

Straight away but not to meet until you know it is going to last.

joelallie · 16/10/2006 13:14

asap I would say.

Piffle · 16/10/2006 13:48

from the off

nutcracker · 16/10/2006 13:51

I'd have told him straight away personally.

frenchconnection · 16/10/2006 19:10

how did you manage 3 whole dates without letting it slip? the night i met my dp apparently all i went on about was my dd... and he loved her!

Pann · 16/10/2006 19:46

God, he must be curious! Three dates in and he hasn't been wondering??? Oh I doubt it.....best to tell immediately, but what a lovely surprise when he sees the little shoes on the rack......

Some men DO prefer to date mothers, for too too many reasons to list....but has he told you about his 5 dependents who take up three-quarters of his time and income...??

Adopt the brace position....

Original poster

chanti · 16/10/2006 23:48

Thank you ladies for your advice. I know you are right. I am by no means ashamed of my daughter, i love her to bits, but this dating thing as a mother is new to me, i seperated from my partner of 10 years only 7 months ago. I think i am just nervous of how single men are going to react to this little piece of information! Also, how the hell do you slip it into the conversation without it becoming a big deal?! Sorry for sounding pathetic, but i really need some help on this one.

OP posts:

lou33 · 17/10/2006 00:10

i mention my kids immediately, i figure if they have a problem with it then i dont want to know them anyway

bloke i am seeing is 11 yrs younger than me and doesnt have kids, it has never been an issue for him

i bring them into conversation like you would do with any woman you started talking to

nutcracker · 17/10/2006 11:22

Lou, were do you find these blokes that don't mind you having kids ?? In my very limited experiance it is always a big no no.

I know they aren't worth the hassle if it's a prob for them, but still.

Chanti - I think you should just be straight with him. I don't think you can really jjst slip it into a convo now. You'll have to tell him you have something you need to tell him and explain why you have left it until now. Good luck.

marymillington · 17/10/2006 11:25

no experience, but definitely before you...y'know...

bluejelly · 17/10/2006 11:32

I blurted it out on first date when he asked if I had flat mates!
Couldn't really get round that one
My other bf knew before we got involved.
In my experience it doesn't put people off-- if you've got to date 3 they are obviously keen anyway

lou33 · 17/10/2006 11:35

i havent met a bloke yet who has had a problem with kids , nutty

my soldier certainly doesn't, he's taken them out, brought them dvd's to watch, fixed their bikes etc

nutcracker · 17/10/2006 12:31

Am very Lou

lou33 · 17/10/2006 12:40

sorry

frenchconnection · 17/10/2006 12:51

i know lots of decent men who have taken on another man's child... my bloke, my best mate's bloke, my sis's bloke! they are all lovely kind men who would do anything for these kids and have taken over the dad role..
Lots of men like being around kids, they get to watch Transformers dvds, wrestle, go to the park and generally act as though they are 11 again

Wordsmith · 17/10/2006 12:59

Why don't you just drop into the conversation about needing to phone the babysitter to check everything's OK with your daughter?

What do you talk about on these dates if you can avoid ever mentioning your family situation? Don't you talk about each other?

happyatlast · 17/10/2006 14:22

I'm amazed he doesnt know already, when I was single I told guys I went on dates with straight away that I have two children, it was one of the first things that comes out of my mouth, infact I'd tell them before we even got to the date.

Original poster

chanti · 18/10/2006 00:01

Thanks again for your advice ladies. I'm starting to feel a bit crap and guilty now i must say, i obviously need to have a bit more faith in the opposite sex. I think maybe the problem was i've been meeting men alot younger than me and i thought they wouldn't be interested in a relationship with somebody with a child. Lou has proved me very wrong there! Well, i'm hopefully going to see him for a coffee tomorrow so i will tell him then. I'll let you know how i get on girls!

OP posts:

lou33 · 19/10/2006 14:20

waiting for an update

oh and chanti, just to prove my point once more, since last night i've been asked out by 3 diff men, they all know i have kids, 2 of them i have been out with before, and they are all in their 20's to my 39

i said no to them tho cos i am seeing my soldier

nellie245 · 19/10/2006 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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