He wants to come back

[sykes]

I'd really appreciate advice on this as am not sure what to do. Briefly, h left ten months ago and bought a flat with his gf - affair had been going on for about eight months and he'd left twice previously in that time to return very promptly - promising "anything". And failed msierably - again. After going through the hell that Spooks and others are currently suffering, I now feel really good - despite other issues - looming redundancy etc. Have started seeing somebody VERY casually and am generally so much happier. A month ago he started talking about wanting to come back and wanted to meet up and talk. I, quite honestly, couldn't face it as amnot sure what I want and he's still living with her ffs. Anyway - after a bizarre phone call from her last week he's now virtually begging for me to give him some indications of whether we may have a future together. I've told him that whether he and his gf split up or not is nothing to do with me and him - it's completely separate and if htat is over it's over and he should deal with it. However, how can I take him seriously if he's still living with her. Latest e-mail is: It looks like we may not get to talk before you go - (offers every evening?). I'm serious about wanting to come back. I miss you, I miss my girls and I miss being part of our family. I know I can
assume nothing and you're hardly going to welcome me back with open arms. But I need a "roadmap" to know how I can work to win your trust back, and
for us to know where/how we move forward, if that is possible. And if it is possible, I'll do whatever it takes to make it work.
I reckon he has to live on his own for six months to see if we have any kind of future - there's counselling etc and I'm not going to put hte girls or myself in a vulnerable position. Haven't a clue what to do - sorry SUCH a long post.

i think i read your posts from before. I don't know what to say really as this hasn't happened to me, but it must be really confussing. You got to look deep inside yourself and see what you want, not him. And ask yourself whether you'd be better without him or with him. How would it affect your children, etc etc. But you are in my thoughts, and hope you find the strengh to make a decision that makes you happy. hugs.

This is probably not a very good advice. All i would say is don't be rushed into anything you don't want to do. It might hurt, but you don't wnant to rush into a decision and then regret it later.

Thanks, SF, I'm not being rushed into anything. Am going on holiday on Saturday for a week so will have some reflective time then. A week is nowhere near enough time, obviously, although I have known for about five weeks now and am hardly chomping at the bit. Which a couple of months ago would have amazed me.

I reckon you're dead right sykes, he does need to live n his own for 6 monhts. To sort himself out emotionally and stand on his own two feet for a while.
You carry on with your life and re-convene when he's done his spell of living with himself.
Have a great holiday, where are you going btw

Don't do it. He's still with the girlfriend? Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it. He sounds so weak and he's let you down so badly before - and your girls. I agree with you. If he loves you that much, then what's he doing with this other girl. He's still acting as if you owe him something - wanting promises from you etc - which he has no right to. If you were lonely, still in love with him etc then I would suggest a tentative yes, but living apart going to counselling etc. But as you are happier, seeing someone else, getting your life back together without it, then I think he may have missed the boat, and you have come so far forward it may be a bad move to go backwards. You must follow your head and your heart and to me, it sounds like both are saying 'no'.

Might be a silly question, but did he ever live by himself before he married you? Only he sounds like someone who can't live alone. He left you and moved in with his gf. Now that relationship looks as though it's heading for/is already on the rocks and he wants to move back with you. If his current relationship wasn't in trouble, would he want to come back to you?

I agree that he needs to live by himself for a while (provided that doesn't mean that he is constantly on at you to let him move back). Who knows? With a bit of time and space to himself, he may decide that he doesn't want to come back and it's better that he discovers this before rather than after he's moved back.

Have you analysed what was wrong before he moved out? If there are issues unresolved from then, his moving back will probably just spell disaster. And I would avoid being railroaded into providing a "roadmap". Your feelings may change and, if he feels he has complied with any conditions you lay down, you might feel obliged to adhere to them when you no longer feel the same way.

Please be careful that you don't set yourself back to the position you were in 10 months ago. It would be awful for you to go through all that again if he lets you down once more. You have made so much progress. I had an xp like this - he couldn't chose between me and another girl so he kept changing his mind and each time he broke my heart. I could never ever trust him and always felt he was "testing" me or judging me against her. I bitterly regret all the times I took him back and only wish I'd had the courage to end it years earlier. We didn't have children (thank god) so I appreciate your situation is very different but would you ever trust him if you did take him back? I never trusted my xp after he had cheated.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. And stay strong.

message withdrawn

SW, Lake Como - hope the weather is good. Thanks, both, am just incredibly confused. I do still have strong feelings for him (we were together 14 years and most of them were wonderful) - mixed in with a loss of repect and feelings of pity for him at hte moment. He has to learn to stand on his own two feet - I'm not his emotional crutch. I can't discount it completely but am very worried about making a mistake and, as you say Aloha, taking a step backwards.

I think the roadmap is quite right - I do feel responsiblity is landing at my door, yet again. And he has NEVER lived on his own (well, apart from uiverstiy, but that's different - you share anyway) he's also always had a girlfriend from the age of about 12. He does need a woman in his life and I'm not sure he could survive on his own. I think his relationship is shot to shreads - but that's nothing to do with me he has to take a decision on that and be a grown up. Oh, dear, he does sound like a complete idiot.

I think Sykes you know exactly what is best, he needs to be on his own aprt from her before you can even begin to discuss any reconciliation of even friendship and trust. Anything else would be built on that foundation, so always best to make sure you're sure
You're sounding so much a happier and relaxed, I think you should stick with your instincts and tell him what you have just said here, it sounds logicla and reasonable and gives him a road map.
Starting with extricating himself form his current situation sensibly and responsibly so he is totally free again.
Good luck, you're doing great girl

Sykes, this is all so difficult for you. I have followed your posts since you discovered your husband's affair and felt outraged on your behalf at the way he has treated you and your girls. I guess now, you really have to try to decide in your heart of hearts what you want long term for your family. Despite all the pain you have been through, do you still love him? Do you want to rebuild some kind of live with him? I completely agree that he needs to distance himself from current/ex-GF and to live alone for AT LEAST 6 months. He needs to win back your trust and he can't do that by simply coming home because he is unhappy. I think that your suggestions of counselling etc are completely right: if he really loves you and completely regrets the awful pain he has put you and your daughters through, he will do anything to get you back. It is interesting that you say you are now "so much happier" - is that happier than recently or happier than you were with your H before you found out about his affair?

Sending you and your children lots of love and hope you come to a decision.

This might not be what you want to hear but my immediate knee-jerk reaction to this is that he has discovered that life isn't any greener on the other side of the fence and so is trying to get back what he had before (happy family/married life).

I have to say that rarely is a relationship as good or as strong after an affair, especially one that has gone as far as your ex's. Can there ever be any trust again in your relationship or will you always be worrying yourself sick if he's 5 mins late from work or if he goes out with the lads ? You've pulled yourself and your girls through the last year admirably, are you confident enough of his future fidelity to put yourself and DD's through that again ? Is this just his last swan-song, is he aware that he is about to lose you forever (ie you are less and less emotionally attached to him) and he's having a last minute panic ?

I really don't want to put a downer on this, and of course all I know of your relationship is 50% of what has been typed on MN but this smacks of a last minute panic on his side. Who's to say that he won't come back to you, find that it is just too hard/pressurised an environment to live in and send a similar email to his gf ?

You do sound sensible on your first post sykes, so I'm sure you won't be making any rash decisions. I think your idea of him living alone for a period and then going to counselling (whilst he is still living apart from you initially), is a good one. Best of luck, whatever you decide

WSM
xx

Sykes
It sounds like you are having a heart vs head internal debate. I'm always in favour of a heart decision but implemented by the head, if that makes any sense!

It is a difficult one. I went through this many years ago and he came crawling back but I decided that it was too late and that I would always be casting it up every time we had an argument and would always wonder and worry what he was up to if he wasnt with me. He had the kind of job which required him to travel a lot which would have made it worse. We did not have children either and I think if I had had I might have made a different choice.

However, many years later life is and has been very good to me. I have never regretted my decision.

Take your time, don't be rushed and do what is right for you and your children - not because you feel sorry for your exH

Sorry, it took me soooo long to form my post that 7 or 8 others have been added, so apologies if my response sounds a bit delayed !!

Oxocube, interesting about being happier prior to finding out about the affair. I wasn't happy for various resaons - quite legitimate ones, 9/11 where we lost 17 colleagues, mother with Alzheimers and had my horse put down - sounds flippant at the end of all that but I adored my horse. Also h had a very bad car crash. Pregnant with second dd and working very long hours and commuting in a new place that I really didn't like. But even without those things I was restless and felt unfulfilled in some ways. Oh, dear, it gets more and more complicated. Just don't want to make another mistake for hte girls or myself.

I have not read anything yet that anyone has posted, so sorry if its repeated. Basically this man in my opinion needs a shock, he is acting in a really imature way and is a grown man. If you are to ever consider getting back with him he needs to grow up. For his own security and sanity he needs to learn who he is and what he wants from life. Obviously deep down he is unhappy and seems to be trying to gain hapiness from outside forces constantly. Nothing will ever change until he learns who he is again, things don't work for him and he thinks the ansers to this belong in other peoples hands. I don't personally think you should even consider taking him back until he is secure with who he is, and i'm afraid for him to find that means being alone. Everything is so black and white to him and of course he misses you and the girls, and of course he loves you. But you are now not the answers to his problems.
If he means it he is being incredibly foolish.
The thing i find disgusting about the entire situation is that yet again he is being unfaithful. I know that is none of your concern and she deserves it, but it just shows his personality. I would like to know if you say no if that means he will stay with his girlfriend, what a weak thing to do.
I'd start by telling him you won't even consider talking to him about it until he is single, make no promises but explain you are not willing to compete with anyone else.
Of course at the end of the day we all follow are hearts and all the theories in the world are irrelevant. But if you want him back the more groundwork you do now, the better the chance of it lasting. Please don't rush into anything.

I really am not rushing, FF. And I've said I htink it's appalling that he seems to be hedging his bets - ie, if I say no will he stay? He says no his relationship wiht her is finished so I asked him why he was still living with her - ridiculous excuses that I won't insult you with. Once he is on his own only then will I think about talking. I agree about being unfaithful to her and have pointed this out to him. Again, ridiculous excuses. He's a coward who needs to stand on his own two feet, I agree, and grow up. Reading this through I wonder what I'm thinking of.

Oh Sykes, it's BRILLIANT that you have managed to haul yourself up to this slightly safer place in time for his relationship with gf to crash. I think it is highly possible that this was always going to happen for him, and that the gf episode was an immature, pathetic, and cruel response to his own approach to mid life. My Dad did it. Underneath it all, Mum and Dad had a good marriage - they were 'good together'. But my Dad did at least walk out on his gf before throwing himself back on the mercy of my Mum.
How can you possible know how you feel about him while he is still living with her? You have to have all your emotional protection and defences in action to even think about him while he's living with her. So, if getting back with you is what he wants, he isn't even doing himself any favours by asking you to give him an honest answer at this point.
I think if it was me I would tell him this, openly. And I also think it's hard to make rules about time - you don't want to feel as if your emotional clock is ticking...."6 months nearly up, have i made a decision" etc So I would say, you won't talk until he has pro-actively left her, and you will turn each page of the road map when it feels right to do do, and also take whichever road seems right when you turn that page.
HAH! Sykes...he has discovered that the grass on the other side is merely astroturf.

Thanks everyone. And Blu, I have said I can't countenance a conversation at the moment - it's just ridiculous when he's still living with her. It worries me that a couple of months ago I'd have leapt at the chance - how time changes things. But I do think I'm in a much better "place" to make decisions now. Have a terrible feeling plans would have been borne out of desperation and loneliness (on my part) a couple of months ago. Maybe that's where he is now?

I know Sykes, I'm SUCH a slow typer! I thik you're right - that could well be where he is now - not necessarily haertbroken because of HER, but because he realises he has used up all his options for running away from responsibility. SO complicated. Are you going to mention to your 'casual' that H is hankering?

Blu, love that, my "casual". No, as it's casual I'm not really having those kind of conversations - just want to have a bit of fun.

Sykes, I too feel that a man who can't (or rather, believes he can't) cope without a woman needs to grow up and stop hurting other people and spend time ALONE. Hang on in there. You are doing sooooo brilliantly.