Living in the shadow of my sister :(

[Rinkydinkypink]

All my life I've lived in the shadow of my older sister. Unlike me she's confident, outgoing. Always did well at school without having to try. Landed good jobs, well paid, company cars, travel etc.

This is all great and I should be really pleased for her. However along with this comes the attitude. The bragging, the looking down on me. She always has to be the best and the greatest and it's all performance. The problem is she always manages to get to me. We moved in March. Invited her over and she puts her house up for sale in weeks. She's just moved to a massive house without selling her old home. The builders have been in and place is perfect. Her cars have to be bigger, her holidays have to be better. Now she's flipping pregnant with her first baby. She's started weight watchers (again) so she doesn't put weight on. Her unborn baby is already booked into the best nursery in the area so she can go back to work after 4 months! The cleaners, gardeners etc all lined up ready. Honestly I'm dreading it. I know her child will always have to be better. She will be the better parent. Her house will always need to be cleaner, her garden landscaped.

Everyone congratulates her. Is soooo happy for her. Isn't she marvellous. Actually I think she's horrible to me. It's all for show, it's all false and she can't wait to show off.

I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm fed up of being the underdog. I'm exhausted with my 2dc. I live on 4 hours sleep a night and have done for 7+ years. My dh is a messy untidy person who works 12-14 hours a day. I work FT hours on part time childcare. No cleaners/gardeners. Financially we normal. We manage but it's only by being very careful.

I'm a bitch. I'm wishing her child not to sleep and be a complete handful. I'm longing for her to be exhausted and not cope. I'm longing for something to happen to make her live in the real world.

How do I get out of this silly game. I don't want to be like this.

What I notice about your posts is that you keep saying that your sister 'has to' or 'had to' before everything you feel envious about. Whereas in all probability she just wanted to do these things. You don't buy a new house or go on fab holidays to spite someone.

She might be rubbing it in because she's insecure, or just doesn't like you - but her life is not all about you, yet you sound like you think it is.

Next time she starts with the "my child will never . . ." cut across her, guffawing with laughter and say: "Yeah, I was a fantastic parent before I had kids too!!" get to your feet, pat her condescendingly on the shoulder with a big grin then declare that you MUST visit the loo immediately and leave the room in a swift, yet jolly, fashion.

Rather trying to match her for put downs I would take the father's line and make a joke of her competitiveness take the piss out of her.

'I've no doubt yours is bigger and better than mine, please don't worry'.

'Obviously I have lower standards as I am lesser in every way.'

'Unlike my sister I like an untidy house with cat poo stuck to the floor'.

"My child will never... sit down quietly, obviously yours will be doing sudoku at 6 months"

Whilst I think your sister sounds very annoying and you should spend less time with her, I kind of also think you might be your dad's favorite and she is trying to compensate for that.

Every time you mention your dad, he's defending you somehow, laughing at your sister, telling her to step back at your wedding. This won't have gone unnoticed and might be at the root of some of your sisters actions. Maybe it's been this way all your lives.

Even if that's not the case, your dad has your back at least. Focus on your own lovely family and try to see her a but less.

Rinky, it's obvious to me that your sister is jealous of YOU. I've never met a 'look at me' person who wasn't deeply insecure about themselves. I bet you anything that's why she has to keep putting you down.

You need to start thinking about yourself. Just grit your teeth every time she does her 'look at me dance' and remember why she is doing it. I bet you others aren't that impressed with her either. You would be surprised. People may publicly say well done to her but underneath they probably are not that impressed. No one likes a show off.

Cut yourself some slack. Forget about her 'perfect life' and concentrate making yours better. You sound lovely. Maybe pick three areas to work on and start from there. Little steps at a time.
Good luck

Some thoughts:
You both sound insecure in your different ways, but yes, she is unkind to you. See her less. Challenge her more.
If you think about it, her life sounds very pressured, and lived for appearances rather than happiness. Your sister is having to work very hard to keep the whole edifice of wealth and success going, isn't she? Don't envy her that.
Don't take on her put-downs as true. Fix your life as far as you can, for you, and put whatever your sister thinks about it or claims to think about it out of your mind. For starters, you desperately, urgently need some respite care for the DCs so you can sleep.
How do you think you both got here? Was there ever a time you and your sister got on well, and if so, what changed it, do you think?
What role do you consider your parents play in this dynamic? Do they tell you more about your sister's needling than possibly they should?

Whoever dies with the most toys

...still dies. As my SIL never fails to remind me, we are fat provincial vocational workers who don't remodel every 5 years. As I never fail to remind her, if she upsets DW I'll dance in her entrails. What scamps we both are.

Pah! People who are truly happy don't feel the need to be spiteful to others about their 'stuff'. It is just stuff after all. Rise above it and get on with your own life. Point out her rudeness when she does it but don't get involved in arguments about it. I imagine things are not as rosey as she makes out .

I hope this thread has given you inspiration, OP. Anything to get her down to size eh.

However, bear in mind it is initially quite difficult to stand up to a bully when they've bullied us from year dot and had a large presence in our formative years. Get over that hump, though - if you make mistakes, keep going. You're turning around an ocean liner and it may take some time (then again, sometimes it can be a dramatic about-face..). Try not to screech at her, try to keep calm. I mean, you can screech at her all you like if you want to but it does tend to give away your power when you're facing down a bully. And it's your power you're trying to claw back in the face of her longstanding onslaught. You can screech as long as the impulse behind the screeching isn't to get her to love you iyswim.

I'm not so sure about you being the 'favourite' with your dad. Even if you were - in which case, foolish dad - it still is not ok for her to hack away at you. She'd be hacking away at the wrong person.

My parents are great thankfully! They don't have favourites but they know my sister well and have watched her attempts to grab all attention since she was born. I hate attention, frankly she's welcome to it I'm much happier in the background.

Anything they say is an attempt to equal us out or help me through my PND which has killed my confidence. I need to lose weight, I want to feel better about myself.

Over the last day I've made plans for our house and tried to set a saving plan in place to achieve it. It means no family holiday this year but we feel the money would be better spent on our home seeing as we spend every day there.

We've had a clear out, trying to sell some stuff to go into the 'replace broken stuff fund'. I'm not giving my dsis anymore baby things as I have done over the last few months. She never offers us anything for it and it clear were in more need than she is. My dm thinks this is mean of us. I don't see it that way, I think it's needed to benefit my family.

I don't see her as jealous towards me at all. She's just incredibly competitive over everything and always has been.

OP, my DH is younger than his dsis1 by18 months. She has a very competitive streak in her and frankly it's very uncomfortable. We are, in fact better off than she is which causes her resentment. We never, ever shout about it but her bitterness about various issues do bubble up and she can be really uncomfortable to be around. She has a job she loves, a solid marriage,three dc who are all doing really well and a great house. Yet somehow she still envies him and therefore me. She also constantly mentions how hard she works, how exhausted she is and so on. Please just try to get on with having a nice life. If she gets to you so much, minimise contact. Try and save up a few one liners for when she's being a real pain.

And yes, it's ok to wish her a few shocking nights. Revenge can be a dish served cold . Truly, though, give her less of your head space. She has her life and you have yours.

You've got the right attitude now op. If you feel envious then it's time to look at your own life and take steps to live the life you want.

Does your sister realise she keeps putting you down? Point it out to her if she doesn't. It may make her stop and think.

Sounds like you just need to sort out your own home a bit. Can you set a weekend aside (and send your children with a friend or your parents) to go over your stuff?

Also, I've found Unfuck Your Habitat (www.unfuckyourhabitat.com) very useful. It is true that tidying up can work wonders for your mental health.

Link didn't link. Sorry, that would be Unfuck Your Habitat.