Living in the shadow of my sister :(

[Rinkydinkypink]

All my life I've lived in the shadow of my older sister. Unlike me she's confident, outgoing. Always did well at school without having to try. Landed good jobs, well paid, company cars, travel etc.

This is all great and I should be really pleased for her. However along with this comes the attitude. The bragging, the looking down on me. She always has to be the best and the greatest and it's all performance. The problem is she always manages to get to me. We moved in March. Invited her over and she puts her house up for sale in weeks. She's just moved to a massive house without selling her old home. The builders have been in and place is perfect. Her cars have to be bigger, her holidays have to be better. Now she's flipping pregnant with her first baby. She's started weight watchers (again) so she doesn't put weight on. Her unborn baby is already booked into the best nursery in the area so she can go back to work after 4 months! The cleaners, gardeners etc all lined up ready. Honestly I'm dreading it. I know her child will always have to be better. She will be the better parent. Her house will always need to be cleaner, her garden landscaped.

Everyone congratulates her. Is soooo happy for her. Isn't she marvellous. Actually I think she's horrible to me. It's all for show, it's all false and she can't wait to show off.

I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm fed up of being the underdog. I'm exhausted with my 2dc. I live on 4 hours sleep a night and have done for 7+ years. My dh is a messy untidy person who works 12-14 hours a day. I work FT hours on part time childcare. No cleaners/gardeners. Financially we normal. We manage but it's only by being very careful.

I'm a bitch. I'm wishing her child not to sleep and be a complete handful. I'm longing for her to be exhausted and not cope. I'm longing for something to happen to make her live in the real world.

How do I get out of this silly game. I don't want to be like this.

Get over yourself. Nobody lives their life for you. It isn't all about you.
Sorry if that's harsh but you are coming across as incredibly self centred.

Don't spend time with your sister if you can't grow up away from whatever unhealthy competition your parents instilled in you. If you always feel bitter and negative about her it won't be pleasant for her or for you.

This is exactly why Mumsnet is great! Thank you for all being so honest. I know its about me. I've calmed down a bit now and can see it clearer.

I don't want her to suffer because I do actually love her. I don't not like the way she behaves. She does intentionally dig away at me and has done all my life. At school her and her friends did bully me. Her old school friends who are lovely tell her to leave me alone and behave when were together and she starts chipping away.

She has a lovely partner of 5 years who works very hard and isn't showy at all but enjoys his well earned money. He doesn't shout or make a fuss over it! He'll be a great dad and is thankfully very laid back and patient. Apparently the baby will just have to fit into how they live (dsis). Yes I do laugh at these comments. Df thinks it's all going to be very amusing. Dm is ready to move in and save her from herself.

Her partner is a bit more flexible. They're not married because he's not fussed after being divorced. Doesn't feel the need.

It won't surprise you to know dsis wanted a big church wedding. A big ring and had picked out one of the countries top 5* spa hotels for the party. Her honey moon involved a round the world trip etc etc.

On my wedding day my dad told her it was my wedding day and not all about her and to respect that. I didn't find this out till years later this is why she sulked the later part of the day.

Then if anyone sounds insecure, it the person making the frantic attempts at attention seeking. She sounds like the kind of person who is best enjoyed, as my DM would put it, ' in small doses'.

Lead your own life, take time to appreciate the things you have and maybe feel sorry for someone who, despite being materially better off, is chronically dissatisfied with themselves

Sounds like your dh is your problem, not your sister. I'd sort dh out first. Why don't you get much sleep? Why doesn't he pull his weight? (Sorry, not read all the thread.)

Your sister does sound like as PITA. I'd limit the time you spend with her. Or could you talk to her, tell her how her constant digs make you feel?

If you try to sort out one thing at a time, no matter how small, that would help. Agree with JAcky above.

You are being eaten up with a combination of envy positionsand competitiveness, and it it's diminishing you. Waiting in hope of her getting her come uppance is just going to hurt you more day on day beaches you sound like a nice and thoughtful person, so wishing hurt on others is probably making you dislike yourself a little bit more each time you do it.
Would you be open to the concept of.. Loosing ?... Just giving it up.. Just accepting that she will have a "nicer" life than you, even though she is not more deserving, or a nicer person.

True things may turn around at any point and your positions could reverse..but just stepping back may give you the opportunity to think..OK here you go you win, you have the prize... Which is..... Nothing...a great big gold plated.. Nothing.

Ignore "positionsand" crept in there, slippery little sucker !

I'm wondering why you have too much 'stuff' and need storage.
Whose stuff is it and is it all really needed?

Is it possible to sort it out a bit a a time and get rid of some of it?

I had a period in my life a long time ago where I felt like this about a friend of mine, massive house, 2nd holiday home in France, 2 perfect children, very well paid and apparently attentive and good looking husband.
One night we had one too many glasses of wine. I scratched a little below the surface and discovered the truth, husband having affair. Wife knew fully and had been doing the "pick me" dance for years.
She was in fact jealous of me and my normality. The fact that I could truly be myself. The fact that I lived in a tiny but cute house that was MINE. The fact that I didn't have to explain myself to anyone.
Since then I have learnt that nothing is what it seems on the surface. People are masters at portraying the public persona they want you to see and believe. Below the surface they are frantically peddling away to stop themselves sinking.
As long as you are true to yourself and change the things in your life that are within your control to ensure your happiness, you can stop looking over your shoulder at others.
I think the way I felt about my friend reflected the way I felt about my own life and it was very liberating to regain some perspective !

I know this sounds strange but perhaps try reading Siblings without Rivalry? It is actually about trying to bring your own kids up without rivalry but it has so many interesting insights it might help you let go of this damaging constant comparison.

Good luck.

I have a sibling a little like this.

It irritates the fuck out of me, but I don't see them very often so normally I can internally roll my eyes and deal with it. I guess they are just proud of what they have achieved, and want everyone to know. Maybe they find it annoying that I love talking about the wedding, when they aren't married yet. Who knows.

It sounds a bit like your sister has a chip on her shoulder, and feels the need to "prove" herself all the time. To prove that she's got a good job that keeps her very busy - possibly to justify why she needs so many people to help her run a household? Maybe the going back to work issue is less about you, but about what the expectations are in her office. She feels obliged to prove that having a child won't impact her ability to do her job? (An issue which, strangely enough, men don't normally have to worry about). It sounds like everyone has always expected her to excel and to be top of the class, and that's an awful lot of pressure to live under.

She sounds pretty jealous of you to be honest, otherwise there would be no reason to make specific comparisons to you. If she genuinely thought her life was so much better, she wouldn't need to make jibes at you.

Can you not just see her less?

she alway always says at every opportunity 'unlike rinky, I like a tidy house'. My child won't do a/b/c, rinky doesn't mind if hers do.

That is really annoying. Who wants a sister who is constantly 'chipping away' at one? It's telling that her own friends have to pull her up on it. She's obviously highly insecure.

You can limit your contact with her, there's no obligation to be involved. Two of my best friends have nightmare sisters and they hardly see them at all.
However you choose to play it I would detach inwardly emotionally from her and take a step back.

I like your dad's take on her btw, but it's easier for him as she's unlikely to be chipping away at him too.

Also, as regards your home, de-cluttering is liberating.

I believe you, Rinky. She IS doing this and it's like a loud and obvious clanging of 'gaslighting' and it's mean. I had a cousin who did this, all the time. Fortunately, you're older than I was, I was a kid and it hit me very hard that a family member could be like this.

Where your sister is concerned, I would say - everytime she does that "Unlike Rinky..." thing - "Why do you need to say 'Unlike Rinky' in every sentence, sister?" and wait for her answer. If when she gives it then say, "I really don't understand why, if your life is so happy an perfect, you need to compare yourself to me... it's very, very odd". I'd say it in front of people because they need to hear it too.

If she keeps doing it, respond with a breezy, "Aww bless, unlike my bitch-sister, I don't need to keep benchmarking myself, it's so sad when people do that isn't it?"

I wouldn't bother having a heart to heart with her, just a dismissive - "Everytime you do this, sister-dear, that's the response you'll get. Don't think that people don't see what you're doing or that they're agreeing with you, now just stop".

Whatever you want to do in your own home/marriage/parenting is absolutely none of your sister's business. Stop thinking about her and put some space between you. She'll be dumbstruck at having nothing to say as you'll have taken away her reason for being.

I think my sister might think this about me. I absolutely don't spend my life bragging and trying to put her down, but I think she thinks I do. We had a row once and she told me I sit in an ivory tower and never have to worry about money. Except that from my point of view, to get my job I put myself through 8 years of further education and professional training after I left school, earning practically nothing the whole time and living off beans on toast. She is at least as bright as me but chose to drop out of uni. I then spent a further 5 years paying off debt. In the last 2 years things have become comfortable, but I have worked extremely hard to get here.

I work very long hours to pay the mortgage, my DH earns a lot less than me and so I don't see my DD as much as Id like as we split the childcare between both of us and a nursery. It makes sense financially and it's something we agreed together, but I can't help being envious of my sister who works term time hours and finishes work at 4pm every day so she can go home to her DD.

We have different lives and have made different choices, there are advantages and disadvantages of both. There is no point in constantly comparing yourself to your sister, it will make you miserable. And maybe secretly she longs after the happy family life you have as well.

We moved in March. Invited her over and she puts her house up for sale in weeks. She's just moved to a massive house without selling her old home. The builders have been in and place is perfect

Buying and selling a house, organising builders is not something you do on a whim. She's most probably wants everything in place for when the baby arrives.

Her cars have to be bigger, her holidays have to be better

I doubt she even thinks about you when she's looking through the travel agent brochures. Most likely she thinks about where to go according to how much she can afford.

Now she's flipping pregnant with her first baby. She's started weight watchers (again) so she doesn't put weight on. Her unborn baby is already booked into the best nursery in the area so she can go back to work after 4 months! The cleaners, gardeners etc all lined up ready. Honestly I'm dreading it

Sounds like someone that's getting on with her life and is preparing for an additional member to the family.

On the other hand, comparing yourself to your sister will not do you any good.

I think my sister thinks like this about me too. Again she is just as bright as me but did fuck all and married the first good looking bloke who came along while I worked hard, went to Uni, found a decent guy.

She makes a lot of snidely comments to my face and, from what I've gathered, worse ones behind my back. Any tiny remark I make is always perceived as a criticism, I just can't say anything.

I have helped her out loads, both financially and emotionally, I would do anything for her. She is just too jealous of me to like me.

Appreciate what you have, life shouldn't be about comparing what you have to others.

For the record, people who organise their lives to the nth degree often come unstuck when children come along. If this happens, hopefully it will give her some appreciation of what you have had to contend with for seven years and she may even show some humility in future. If she doesn't, you need to learn to shrug it off. Her criticism of you says more about her than it does you.

Can you really not see how jealous she is of you? Her partner doesn't even want to marry her, you already have a husband and 2 children.

You have all the basics, she doesn't.

She's one of those people that feels better about herself by belittling someone else (we all know one). You're joining in. You're helping her.

I know it's an old saying, but please count your blessings. Would you really want to be her?

I doubt she is doing all this to spite you.

I beg to differ on this. Some people are bullies; enjoy being bullies, like the kick they get out of it.

yy they are sad sorts but if you're the target it can really smart, especially if it's a sibling, especially of the same sex (wouldn't it be great to be friends , helping one another out, supporting one another, allies in the world...), especially when you're up against it, drowning in day-to-day difficulties, struggling to keep your head above water.

I absolutely believe you that she's rubbing salt in the wound - on purpose. Some people are like this - and no amount of 'oh I'm sure she doesn't mean it like that' helps one bit. It fucks your head up even more.

Or you can do that if you like - pretend it's not what it very clearly seems - and kid yourself she's a sweetie/insecure underneath and you're the one with the problem. However, facing the brutal truth about bullies in your life gives you a chance to get to a level of freedom imo. The truth shall set you free and all that.

She's probably jealous of you being married.

Take a leaf out of your fabulous dad's book and laugh about it. She clearly isn't perfectly happy living a perfect life or

a) she would have what she wanted and be married and

b) she wouldn't feel the need to compare to you all the time.

Just some random thoughts that may or may not help.

Are there just the two of you siblings, hence your sister being the first born?
If yes, is there a possibility she felt pressure to be perfect, to be high achieving?
Is there a large age difference between you?

Were your parents more laid back when you were born, not uncommon, parents are usually more relaxed with a second child as they've accumulated experience from having the first child.
You seem to have a great relationship with your dad, are you closer to him that your sister is? Are you more like him? Is your relationship with your dad easier/more relaxed than hers with him? Could your sister be slightly envious of this and be forever trying to 'prove' something to your dad or wanting more of his attention?

Your sister sounds insecure and is belittling you in order to prove to herself that she is somehow superior, but why does she need to do this, what does she perceive you have that she wants?

The comment about the tidy house clearly hit you where it hurt, why? If your house is not how you would like it to be then it's something you need to address for you not to try and fit into your sister's definition of what it should be.

All of her 'on show' life could just be smoke and mirrors, she may look calm, serene and confident but underneath the surface she is paddling like hell.

Don't play the one upmanship game, live your life the way that makes you happy, if you want to make changes to your life or house, make them because they will make life for you and your family better not because yo are trying to outdo and conform to someone else's idea of how things should be.

Remember things are just that things, a flash ring may be lovely to look at but it is still just a ring and if there is no sentiment behind it that it all it will ever be.

I went on a course this week. Part of it, he spoke about transactional analysis. I would say that your sister, if she makes the sorts of comments you say she makes, is the critical parent. Always putting you down and competing.

The man would say that we must all try to be the adult in our communications. He gave examples of shit people say, and the standard response of....

Have you noticed sister, that you seem to compare us a lot, making me in the wrong?

And let it hang there.

It would irritate me too. It needs dealing with x

Live the way you want to live. There's the fridge-magnet saying 'a tidy home is a sign of an empty/wasted life' - not everybody's truth, but if you wouldn't mind your home so much if it didn't give your sister something to dig at you about, then try that for a response.
Sounds like your DPs have your back, btw...

I've name changed because I have exactly this with my sister. She doesn't necessarily brag about it, although her husband does (if you've been out and had a meal in a nice restaurant, he has too but his was Michelin starred / celebrity chef kind of thing) but it generally makes me inadequate / think I have a crappy life / no money etc after I've spent time with her. Its not so much bragging about her life, but questioning my choices "why haven't you done your hair?" (I've not slept for a week with a newborn, I don't know what day it is and the last thing on my list is blow drying my hair?!), she asks what make my clothes are (never designer like hers), why things are not put away (chose my battles with the children etc). It is really difficult to gel sometimes when we have completely different lives - very wealthy high flying City girl v average mother of 3 in surburbia! I am completely envious of her house / holidays / wardrobe / cleaner / handy man / spontaneity etc. Whilst I don't necessarily that's normal, you are not along with your sibling jealousy!

Very recently, she's had a baby (don't get me started on the "Babymoon" she had!) and her world has turned upside down and the cracks are beginning to show. I think its made me less jealous and will, in the long run, make us closer.

So sorry that was longwinded but I think actually having a baby makes you realise in a way that you could never comprehend that life with children is pretty hard. Hang in there, things might be about to change.

OP - People like your sister are setting are setting themselves up for a massive Karma Event.

I mean saying - "My child would never...." pretty much guarantees your child will do exactly that. In spades.