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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why did DH change? Was it my fault?

30 replies

xlibbyx · 09/01/2015 22:35

DH and I have been together for 15 years and have 2 DCs together, both of whom were planned.

DH was always lovely for the first few years of our relationship. I was married before and my ex was emotionally and physically cruel to me, so I felt so lucky when I met DH and he seemed so lovely.

Around 6 or years ago, which actually co-incided with my pregnancy with our youngest child, he suddenly changed and has been quite emotionally abusive towards me.

It is so hard though as the things he does are subtle, and also everyone thinks he's wonderful and that I'm so lucky to have a great husband.

In short, he wants me to do what he says all the time and gets nasty if I don't. He gets really impatient with me. He says things that are bound to upset me and when I challenge him or try to talk to him he just says stock phrases of "grow up" "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "Have you heard yourself? I'm going to film you" and he gets out his phone and starts to film me, especially if I'm upset. He won't do anything to help in the house or with the children. And he sulks.

I just don't understand why he changed. I feel so tearful all the time because my relationship isn't what I want it to be. I just feel like I deserve better. :(

OP posts:

NorksAreMessy · 09/01/2015 22:40

It doesn't matter why he changed, he did and that's that.
It was not your fault.
The man is an arse
You do deserve better.

How can we help you?

woowoo22 · 09/01/2015 22:40

He hasn't changed, I think, he's probably just gotten worse and worse. What a dick.

What do you feel your options are?

Pre-DC I had a few days a year of EA, post DC it was every few months, then every month, then I finally made the decision it was over a few months ago.

My life is immesurably better now.

It isn't you. He is abusive.

woowoo22 · 09/01/2015 22:41

*then every month, then constantly

I meant to put

YvyB · 09/01/2015 22:46

He films you??? What an utterly disrespectful thing to do. I'm afraid I would be saying very clearly "if you ever do that again, we're finished". What an appalling way to treat the mother of his children.

I left my relationship because I realised that I would be horrified if my ds grew up to be like him. I also went through the upset, wondering why he'd changed etc. but ultimately I realised that none of that mattered: he HAD changed, he really didn't care and he was a dreadful role model for my ds.

Handywoman · 09/01/2015 22:47

If you keep thinking about his thought processes you'll never, ever be free... Turn your thoughts to yourself now. What do you deserve?? More than this...

Do you have friends to lean on? Someone to confide in? Are you renting or do you own a home?

Handywoman · 09/01/2015 22:49

My ex also changed when the dc arrived.

Ours is not to question why. It is to get out and save your else and model a better way of being for your precious dc.

Handywoman · 09/01/2015 22:49

yourself

minkGrundy · 09/01/2015 22:50

It's not your fault.
And I am sorry he has been such an arse to you.

I'd recommend get a copy of Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that?

You deserve better.

HootyMcTooty · 09/01/2015 22:51

Doesn't matter if/why he has changed. He's vile. It's not you, it's him and you deserve better. How do you want to deal with this?

Original poster

xlibbyx · 09/01/2015 22:53

I'm so rubbish at dealing with things like that. I just cry. He was really unkind to me earlier this evening and started threatening to film me crying. He hasn't spoken to me all evening and has just stormed off to bed and I'm sat here crying.

I wish I could just get angry

OP posts:

Sundayplease · 09/01/2015 23:09

Oh that's awful, threatening to film you crying. What is he trying to prove?
I think that's really low and humiliating for you. Does he feel better saying that, the big bully.

It sounds like he is unkind and acts as if he doesn't even like you. Yes I had one of these too. An arrogant bully who takes pleasure in putting his wife down.

The beginning if the end was also the arrival of the second child.

woowoo22 · 09/01/2015 23:10

Anger might come later. They break your spirit.

Have you thought about leaving?

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/01/2015 23:12

Well, you can either sit and cry, or get busy and extract yourself from this quite frankly vile man.

What is the house situation - mortgage, renting?

wobblebobblehat · 09/01/2015 23:23

How horrid. What a vile man.

Do not waste time wondering how and why has changed (or if it was anything to do with you). It will be a waste of your time and energy. His behaviour is unacceptable.

Focus your energy on getting out of this so called relationship.

Flimflammer · 09/01/2015 23:27

Just to add support to those saying what he is doing is awful. Are your family close? If you were my sister and you emailed me your OP I would take you and your children out of the house, and to a solicitor at 9am on Monday morning. What a terrible marriage. I hope you find the strength to move on, I know that it is very hard and at the start it seems impossible but I am proof it can be done. Please look for some real life help and post here if it gives you strength.

Flimflammer · 09/01/2015 23:28

Why not film him being unkind?

PoppyField · 09/01/2015 23:32

He is a disgrace.

OP, no-one deserves to be treated like that. How vicious. No wonder you cry. He is a master at undermining your confidence and self-esteem.

His behaviour is really disgusting. He is a horrible bully. And like others say, there's almost no point trying to work out why he is like this, the issue is that he is like this, has no respect for you and sneers at you when you are upset. He won't get better - the 'old' him won't come back.

This is who he is. He is showing you that he has no respect for you and does not care about humiliating you.

The only way to stop being subjected to this torment is to separate. He is a bully who likes things his way and will intimidate and humiliate you to get his way. Forget thinking of him as your friend. No friend would treat you like this and you wouldn't put up with this behaviour from a friend. Unfortunately - for whatever reason - he is declaring himself your worst enemy and the only way to stop him poisoning your life and that of your dcs is to get rid.

This may sound drastic, but it has happened to me and lots and lots of other women on this board. It is like a switch is flipped at the arrival of a child. He is an abuser. Whatever he was before was not the real him.

PoppyField · 09/01/2015 23:33

And btw - it is NOT your fault. Good luck.

TendonQueen · 09/01/2015 23:40

If you can steel yourself to do it, next time he threatens to film you, look the camera in the eye and say 'go on, film your wife being upset, like you're the big man' and wait till he's stopped. Then as soon as he puts his phone down and turns his attention to something else, pick it up and go and drop it in the nearest toilet.

Easier said than done, I know. But start planning how you can regain some of your strength to take action. This might make you feel better for a short while, though I think, like the other posters, you'd be better off leaving. You don't deserve this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 23:55

I'm sorry you're in another abusive rleationship. It's very common, sadly, for abusive men to only show their true colours with the arrival of a child. I don't know how long you were together before the baby arrived but they tend to use nice behaviour to draw you in and then, once they believe you don't have any options, they turn the screw...

So he didn't change. He's always been a nasty piece of work. He just doesn't see the point in hiding it any more. Please don't make the mistake of sticking around hoping he will magically revert to the way he was originally. This is the real him. Hope you get the help you need to reject him and get safe

GoatsDoRoam · 10/01/2015 01:02

His behaviour is certainly not your fault: he chooses his own actions. He acts that way because he wants to.

You sound so sad and low about it, and my heart goes out to you. But is seems that this is who he is.

What do you want to do?

woowoo22 · 10/01/2015 07:46

How are you doing OP?

borisgudanov · 10/01/2015 10:31

It isn't your fault he has turned into a vile bullying bastard. Perhaps he always was one but was just hiding it for some time. Either way, acting like that is his choice.

Kick his arse out.

shellistar · 10/01/2015 10:47

My ex used to do the same - wind me up until I cried then film me crying saying he was going to show everyone how messed up I was, including the police so they'd arrest me and if lose my job, etc, etc.

It's not you. Trust me on this. As hard as it would be (and I know cos I went through it) you need to be aware that he is willingly doing this to you because he enjoys cntrolling you and making you the weaker person. The next day he might promise that he'll change, whatever. But he won't. You need to get yourself out of that situation but appearing stronger and acting like you don't care will enable you to keep going until you can get out IYKWIM?

kaykayred · 10/01/2015 10:53

It's common for men to pretend to be the loving partner up until children arrive. Then they feel like the woman is "chained" to them, and they can use the children as emotional blackmail to threaten the woman into staying with them. So they stop pretending and show their real colours.

It isn't your fault. He sounds like a vile man, and this isn't a good relationship to be showing your children.

Presumably you wouldn't want your daughters growing up to have partners like this? And you wouldn't want your sons to grow up to be like this?

Take that as your strength to find the courage to finish things.

You don't deserve this in any way shape or form, but I suspect he has already got you thinking otherwise.

But your children don't deserve this, and you know that too.

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