Why did DH change? Was it my fault?

[xlibbyx]

DH and I have been together for 15 years and have 2 DCs together, both of whom were planned.

DH was always lovely for the first few years of our relationship. I was married before and my ex was emotionally and physically cruel to me, so I felt so lucky when I met DH and he seemed so lovely.

Around 6 or years ago, which actually co-incided with my pregnancy with our youngest child, he suddenly changed and has been quite emotionally abusive towards me.

It is so hard though as the things he does are subtle, and also everyone thinks he's wonderful and that I'm so lucky to have a great husband.

In short, he wants me to do what he says all the time and gets nasty if I don't. He gets really impatient with me. He says things that are bound to upset me and when I challenge him or try to talk to him he just says stock phrases of "grow up" "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "Have you heard yourself? I'm going to film you" and he gets out his phone and starts to film me, especially if I'm upset. He won't do anything to help in the house or with the children. And he sulks.

I just don't understand why he changed. I feel so tearful all the time because my relationship isn't what I want it to be. I just feel like I deserve better. :(

You do deserve better. He didn't change. He was always like this; he just hid it. Don't bother trying to reason with him or 'showing' him that he's being hurtful to you. You've has 6 years of this behaviour already. He already know's he's hurting you. Guess what - he likes it. He likes hurting you. You do deserve better. Start planning an exit strategy and get out. He isn't going to 'change back' into that nice bloke he used to be. He never was that nice bloke. This is who he is. You do deserve better.

I actually found discovering why he was the way he was, extremely useful.

I understand profoundly and deeply that it was never me. Ever. I discovered that I had some work to do on MY self esteem and boundaries. I have done that work, and consider myself a work in progress.

I discovered how these patterns travel down through generations, which gave me more impetus and drive to get out.

I discovered that if he was ever to change, it would have absolutely nothing whatever to do with me.

I can also spot one of these types from ten miles away. The slightest little sign of disconnection and I'm onto them.

If you need to find out why.....do so. It helped me more than I can say. It IS totally baffling. It IS totally him. Knowledge is power.

Abusers are experts at appearing normal to the outside world. It's how they manage to suck people in and it's how they manage to fool people for so long. My parents too thought my ex was wonderful, so nice and caring. It's amazing how guilty they make you feel, they can turn everything onto you. My ex was very good at that. I somehow ended up apologising for everything, even things that were his fault. If I was upset about something it isn't because he'd done something wrong, it was my fault for being unreasonable and I ended up apologising for it. Ridiculous!

He had an excuse for everything too. He filmed me having sex without my consent. He did later apologise for upsetting me but then later denied wrongdoing, he said "it's not like I put a camera in your toilet" and it was a spur of the moment thing, he wanted a film of me because he loves my body so much, blah blah. Which people might be taken in by except he had form for doing this. He also had a film of his ex girlfriend which I have reason to believe she didn't consent to being taken, when I questioned him on it he said it was on a broken hard drive and couldn't delete it. Yeah right! Anyway, he made out that I was being unreasonable for being upset about it. Even my family made excuses for him! Which really, really pissed me off.

Do The Freedom Programme. It looks at tactics abusive men use and how it is all about them and nothing that you've done. I found it helpful to meet women who'd been through similar things, and it's not just for women who've been physically abused either. It looks at men who use tools of emotional manipulation to abuse. I found that many of the women there said similar things, that their partners were charming to the outside world and nobody believed them when they said he was abusive. If you do decide to leave, your family and friends might be in a state of shock and not understand why. But the fact is, you are entitled to leave for whatever reason you like. You don't even have to tell people about the abuse if you don't want to, just say the marriage has run its course. That's enough.

Contact women's aid and a close friend to help you, I would urge you to leave him but obviously it's your decision. But please remember this isn't your fault, this is all about him and his pathetic need to exert power and control over you. If he says things that upset you, try and ignore him. Easier said than done I know but the more you do it the easier it becomes.

Abusers are experts at appearing normal to the outside world. It's how they manage to suck people in and it's how they manage to fool people for so long. My parents too thought my ex was wonderful, so nice and caring. It's amazing how guilty they make you feel, they can turn everything onto you. My ex was very good at that. I somehow ended up apologising for everything, even things that were his fault. If I was upset about something it isn't because he'd done something wrong, it was my fault for being unreasonable and I ended up apologising for it. Ridiculous!

He had an excuse for everything too. He filmed me having sex without my consent. He did later apologise for upsetting me but then later denied wrongdoing, he said "it's not like I put a camera in your toilet" and it was a spur of the moment thing, he wanted a film of me because he loves my body so much, blah blah. Which people might be taken in by except he had form for doing this. He also had a film of his ex girlfriend which I have reason to believe she didn't consent to being taken, when I questioned him on it he said it was on a broken hard drive and couldn't delete it. Yeah right! Anyway, he made out that I was being unreasonable for being upset about it. Even my family made excuses for him! Which really, really pissed me off.

Do The Freedom Programme. It looks at tactics abusive men use and how it is all about them and nothing that you've done. I found it helpful to meet women who'd been through similar things, and it's not just for women who've been physically abused either. It looks at men who use tools of emotional manipulation to abuse. I found that many of the women there said similar things, that their partners were charming to the outside world and nobody believed them when they said he was abusive. If you do decide to leave, your family and friends might be in a state of shock and not understand why. But the fact is, you are entitled to leave for whatever reason you like. You don't even have to tell people about the abuse if you don't want to, just say the marriage has run its course. That's enough.

Contact women's aid and a close friend to help you, I would urge you to leave him but obviously it's your decision. But please remember this isn't your fault, this is all about him and his pathetic need to exert power and control over you. If he says things that upset you, try and ignore him. Easier said than done I know but the more you do it the easier it becomes.

How are you libby?