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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying in marriage when not 100% happy

33 replies

Happybutcouldbehappier · 09/01/2015 21:21

NC for this

I am married to a decent, honest man who is a good father to our DC but the spark has gone from our relationship. We muddle along well enough and there has been no fall out or drama we have just drifted apart over the years and increasingly I feel we are incompatible in many ways. Despite this I am not unhappy. I love my kids, have a job I enjoy and lots of good friends. I do not dislike DH but no longer feel I need nor want him and that does make me sad. We do still have sex every few weeks but if I an honest I would rather not bother

One of the main problems is our lack of communication about the state of our relationship and we simply don't ever discuss it. I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me or our marriage .....I'm sure he doesn't hate me or anything like that but I have no clue if he loves just as much as ever, or is having same thoughts as me, nor do I know if he has any inkling how I feel. We don't ever spend any time alone without the DCs so we do lots of fun family stuff together which is great for the DC but any fun adult stuff tends to be separate, partly as we have very limited childcare options and partly because we have different hobbies to each other

The more I ponder on all this (I have no one I can speak to IRL as all my friends know DH so doesn't feel right), the more I cannot see us staying together in the long term. But nor can I imagine instigating a split and all the upset and chaos it would cause for me, DH & the DC. And it would all be for what? .....The possibility that I may be slightly happier single and ultimately meet someone I am 100% with

Am I right in thinking that I need to be less selfish and just be thankful I have a happy family and am not married to someone who is abusive or worse?

Any advice/wise words?

OP posts:
newyear15 · 09/01/2015 21:29

I don't think the fact someone isn't abusive is a good enough reason to stay in a marriage. I do think you need to talk to him though.

Original poster
Happybutcouldbehappier · 09/01/2015 21:32

I know. I just cannot bring myself to do it though. I suppose I am ultimately terrified that having a conversation could be the beginning of the end and I really don't want my kids to have a broken home.

OP posts:
newyear15 · 09/01/2015 21:35

There are many things worse than a 'broken' home.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 21:38

You definitely have to start communicating. Silence and ignoring the elephant in the room isn't helping . It's painfully easy to take someone competely for granted. Perhaps you don't start by talking about the relationship specifically but by finding some points of connection.... common interests, activities you can do together, recreating the early days of your relationship... and getting the conversation started that way. Counselling may help

Original poster
Happybutcouldbehappier · 09/01/2015 21:39

I'm sure there are, but I am not faced with any of these things so would be turning my DC's lives upside down for not solid reason other than that I have fallen out of love with my DH

OP posts:
Joysmum · 09/01/2015 21:40

Why not try having the conversation with him where you say you love your family life but feel you've list you way with the marriage and would like to make that as good as it can be...if that's what you'd like to do?

magicgirl79 · 09/01/2015 21:41

I feel for you.. I too am like this, my H is not violent and I see this as a good thing, but he is quite controlling, lazy, doesn't work etc but is good with our child.

But I feel "its" gone, we too have a regular sex life bit I do it to keep things as normal as I can, but I know this cant go on.

Like you if I bring it up its the beginning of the end!!

Original poster
Happybutcouldbehappier · 09/01/2015 21:42

Thanks Cog. Yes, it does feel like it is the elephant in the room and taking each other for granted is exactly the point we are at.

OP posts:
watfordmummy · 09/01/2015 21:43

I could have written this myself!! Sorry no words of wisdom, but wanted you to know that you're not on your own.

The thought of growing old with someone I have nothing in common with scares me SadSad

HootyMcTooty · 09/01/2015 21:43

It's not going to get better unless you talk about it. If you can both put the effort in you may find each other again.

Original poster
Happybutcouldbehappier · 09/01/2015 21:46

Good advice Joy

I guess I owe it to myself, DH and the DC to at least attempt to fix the situation rather than throwing the towel in without making any real effort to turn things around

OP posts:
Original poster
Happybutcouldbehappier · 09/01/2015 21:47

And reassuring to know I'm not alone

Sorry you are going through this too Watford & Magic

OP posts:
watfordmummy · 09/01/2015 21:58

I do try to talk but he's a typical man and thinks sex or flowers solves everything.

Weekend for hard conversations me thinks.

suspiciousandsad · 09/01/2015 22:01

Isn't this what marriage is? Comfort, taking/being taken for granted, peaks and trough, boredom?

Surely you wouldn't throw your family life as it is away without trying? You know what the problem is, so instigate communication, go to counselling if necessary. You have an awful lot of the good stuff there you know.

Stars66 · 09/01/2015 22:07

Am also in that position but not married. Do own houses have DD together though. However we don't have sex. Can't even remember when we last DTD, it could of been AugustHmm

Original poster
Happybutcouldbehappier · 09/01/2015 22:08

Wise words suspicious

No I wouldn't throw it away which is why I have just been getting on with it and ignoring the problem. Everyone is right though, we need to communicate so I am just going to have to start a gentle conversation about our marriage without sounding good too negative and see where that gets us

OP posts:
suspiciousandsad · 09/01/2015 22:17

There's an awful lot of positives in your OP. OK, you aren't swinging from the chandeliers but who has the energy for that shit anymore? This is in YOUR hands, no one else's.

My marriage has just ended because STBxH is an absolute thundercunt. I'd be happy for a 'vanilla' marriage right now. And the opportunity to do something about it.

But more than that, if you do end up splitting up, you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror, and your children in the eye, and say 'I did everything I could'.

Original poster
Happybutcouldbehappier · 09/01/2015 22:22

I promise I will try suspicious!

Thanks for some really good advice everyone x

OP posts:
Charley50 · 09/01/2015 22:26

I think you should try and do some things together to reconnect and have fun. Then maybe try counseling. However as he isn't much of a communicator maybe it's doing something together that will be key to rekindling your relationship. Presumably you used to feel more strongly about him.

Flimflammer · 09/01/2015 23:44

Is it a sign of age to accept that no one is100% happy? When I was younger only an attractive man who always behaved perfectly and was in tune with me before I even knew what I wanted would do. Now I know better,and i put up with the crap bits because they mean a good bit is on its way.

Young children make the crap bits seem to last for an eternity with their packed lunches, nappies and bloody story times. They grow up quick though. Talk to your husband. I can tell you breaking up with your children's father does not remove all the problems of dealing with him from your life. Throw in a step mum or two, half brothers and sisters here and there. .....It's worth holding on to your family if you can.

Somethingtodo · 10/01/2015 00:25

Are you worried that if you start the conversation that you will be poking a hornets nest? Do you think he feels the same as you do?

Do you feel you cant have this conversation (fear?) - or that you just dont want to have this conversation (emotionally detached - gone past point of fixing?)

Could you approach the conversation positively - ie I would like more intimacy/connection ... feeling a bit lonely ... how can we re-fresh our relationship? can we try xyz? - how do you feel?

Do you know what you need to do to refresh the relationship? What would you like to do more of, or less of ? - can you ask him what he would like to do more of, or less of ?

Sundayplease · 10/01/2015 07:55

I think it would be sad to end your marriage because the spark is gone. Especially as you say you are happy and do lots of fun family stuff together.

There were serious problems in my marriage for a few years before it ended but there are still times when I think should we have tried a bit harder for a bit longer?

From what you say, I think things are retrievable.

If you do decide to leave, I wouldn't do so thinking you want to meet 'the one.' I would leave expecting to be on your own for some time. If that is preferable to your marriage then perhaps consider it.

AgathaF · 10/01/2015 08:06

It sounds like you have the basics in place for a solid marriage, just that you need a few tweaks to improve it so that it can become one that is good for you both as well. Communication is the only way to do this - you both need to know what needs improving, you can't make the necessary changes on your own. I'm sure it is possible to reconnect, to rediscover what brought you together in the first place, to try to find some common ground and shared activities that you can enjoy together.

FishWithABicycle · 10/01/2015 08:06

Nobody gets to be 100% happy all the time, life just isn't like that. "spark" never lasts, that's the nature of a spark. It's the embers of a well built fire that glow warmly throughout the night once the blaze dies down. If you seek another spark elsewhere you will be right back at this point eventually - and for some people a life of serial monogamy allows them to keep skipping this bit but it always comes.

Communication can help to ensure you both understand the love and appreciation you have for each other and will strengthen your partnership, but it won't put things back to how it used to be in the beginning.

Joysmum · 10/01/2015 08:27

I love my DH si much and am very secure in the fact that he feels the same about me.

However, we have a fab marriage because we are lovers and friends with our relationship with each other being in tandem with parenting.

Neither of us would be satisfied by just being parents and losing that connection between us.

It takes a lot to maintain due to his work and the crap life has being throwing at us but just looking into each other's eyes with a smile of appreciation, and a squeeze of the hand or a long hug is enough when life gets in the way.

So try to fix what you have. Chances are he feels the same way as you, that somewhere along the way the two of you got lost. It's only worth breaking up once you've been through a process to fix things and that hasn't worked.

A great way to open things up is 'I was just thinking about how long it was since we did something for just us. I miss you' and see what response it gets.

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