Staying in marriage when not 100% happy

[Happybutcouldbehappier]

NC for this

I am married to a decent, honest man who is a good father to our DC but the spark has gone from our relationship. We muddle along well enough and there has been no fall out or drama we have just drifted apart over the years and increasingly I feel we are incompatible in many ways. Despite this I am not unhappy. I love my kids, have a job I enjoy and lots of good friends. I do not dislike DH but no longer feel I need nor want him and that does make me sad. We do still have sex every few weeks but if I an honest I would rather not bother

One of the main problems is our lack of communication about the state of our relationship and we simply don't ever discuss it. I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me or our marriage .....I'm sure he doesn't hate me or anything like that but I have no clue if he loves just as much as ever, or is having same thoughts as me, nor do I know if he has any inkling how I feel. We don't ever spend any time alone without the DCs so we do lots of fun family stuff together which is great for the DC but any fun adult stuff tends to be separate, partly as we have very limited childcare options and partly because we have different hobbies to each other

The more I ponder on all this (I have no one I can speak to IRL as all my friends know DH so doesn't feel right), the more I cannot see us staying together in the long term. But nor can I imagine instigating a split and all the upset and chaos it would cause for me, DH & the DC. And it would all be for what? .....The possibility that I may be slightly happier single and ultimately meet someone I am 100% with

Am I right in thinking that I need to be less selfish and just be thankful I have a happy family and am not married to someone who is abusive or worse?

Any advice/wise words?

I would recommend couples counselling as it seems that the major issue in your marriage is a lack of communication. It's not as scary as it sounds and doesn't just have to be for couples whose marriage is on its last legs. I think you would find it very beneficial and it would help you and your DH to reconnect. Make sure you use a bacp/ukcp registered Couples counsellor as a bad counsellor can do more harm than good!

WEll if you never speak honestly to each other how can you have a clue what he is thinking, or if he ever feels the need to think about his marriage.

Arrange to sit down when you will not be interrupted and take turns to speak. I think you will be surprised where this take you. I did this once and DH saw things from a completely different point of view and some of my assumptions and thoughts were pulled up short. Mulling things over yourself is not going to fix things.

I don't think there is a couple on the planet who are 100% happy, that's quite an unrealistic expectation.
Every couple I know who have stayed the course of a long term relationship have had to work hard at their relationship and ride the storms.
It sounds as if the basis of what you have is good albeit a bit boring and stale. It's up to you two to sit down and find ways to spice up your relationship a bit. Time doing things together as a couple is important.
I truly hope that an honest, heart felt discussion can help you both get back on track but it is going to take committment and hard work too.

I know how you feel. I've been married to DH for 2 years but together for 9. I love him so much and he is the perfect guy. We don't yet children (are ttc) but he will be a brilliant father.

However we have very little in common, I don't really enjoy spending time with him just as a couple and it terrifies me.

I know I would be crazy to end a perfectly good marraige and it would break my heart and turn my whole life upside down, however the thought of this being it for the rest of my life worries me.

OP, if I'm honest,I could have written your post, I feel just like you at the moment

For what it's worth, I've found the replies to this thread very useful and I do feel that my DH and I both need to make more of an effort to reconnect, spend more time together, talk to each other in the abscence of the DC. It is a hard thing to do, I guess I struggle with the thought of starting a conversation with DH about all of this in case he rejects me or doesn't admit to a problem...don't know what we'd do then. But I have to try.
I don't want to throw away our marriage, and I was aware when we got married that there would be hard times as well as good, I just didn't know how hard the hard times would be, or how much I would feel like just giving up.

Hi NewYear15 and Magicgirl79

NewYear15
I don't think the fact someone isn't abusive is a good enough reason to stay in a marriage..

Magicgirl79
I feel for you.. I too am like this, my H is not violent and I see this as a good thing...

The OP didn't mention either abuse or violence. The OP did not mention those negative things that you raised. Just that she did not have positive things. Your negative things and OP's desire for positive things are not the same things. We all lose our way, lose the spark, and it can be mutual, and it can be accepted by two people as mutual, and it can be that nobody else is to blame, and two people can get together and talk, and sort it out, do the right things by the children and by each other (in every way, emotional, financial, etc...yes it happens).....and be complete with each other...so that each can move on as individuals. Which is a less naïve more mature approach, as later posters have shown.

If OP does not feel she is fulfilled in her life and wants to explore every avenue, then that it is her........opportunity. Nothing in OP's post is about looking, purposefully, for negative things that do not exist.

Desert - in the first post the OP said that the fact he wasn't abusive was something she should be grateful for and a reason to stay. And I said that is no reason to stay with someone if everything else isn't that great. You really are projecting aren't you?