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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone else an introvert who struggles with family visits?

27 replies

roland83 · 09/01/2015 18:27

Simply that.

Just got through Christmas, found it nice but stressful and draining.

Now I have my mum, who lives abroad, inviting herself for more stays this year.

Firsty, it's my partners house too and he also isn't keen on visitors. Secondly, I feel like my opinion doesn't matter and thirdly, I can't help it but I just don't want it...

I feel terrible and that maybe I upset my mum earlier by being so non-commital, but it's stressing me out and I don't know how to manage it. I feel guilty saying no to mum, feel stressed because I'm self employed and feel awkward asking/telling my partner that another stay has been planned.

It never used to be like this, but she moved abroad, is unhappy and I think this is her time to get away and relax almost.. but it's not relaxing for me.

I just want to get my routine back, get a lot of work done and get my savings sorted out so we can buy a house. I feel like I'm responsible for her happiness in some ways.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gautami · 09/01/2015 18:31

yanbu. I think you have to say no and work on not feeling guilty about it.

That said, she is your mum. Can you suggest a date that works for you; later in the year when you will be more up for it?

hotblacktea · 09/01/2015 18:31

no, you're not being unreasonable, your happiness comes first
tell her not to come, and don't feel guilty

Original poster
roland83 · 09/01/2015 18:36

I think it's the long stays that stress me out a bit.. and also, she asked if my step-dad can stay too on one of the visits. It's well know we don't get on, he's rude, bossy and just generally grumpy and I already know my partner would say no to him staying.

I said I would go down to my hometown to visit her on this visit, to at least save my partner any hassle but she seemed disappointed as I think she likes using my house as a base point, as though it's a convenient holiday home.

I know she loves me and wants to see me, but she moved abroad.. not me.. and this is all coming from that it seems.

OP posts:
Original poster
roland83 · 09/01/2015 18:42

I feel like there is something wrong with me, surely I should want to see her, and I do.. I just have this almighty stress that comes with it.

It's seriously taken me nearly a week to de-stress about the Christmas visit from her and my sister.. apart from a small disagreement between me and my sister it went well, but I just can't seem to cope anymore.

I have also started a big diet this year, I need to lose around 6-7stones, I'm doing great and I don't want any stress as that seems to be my trigger. Last year I was doing great, lost 1.5stones in 6 weeks, had a visit and my diet went to shit.

She also said a few "home truths" about my weight on her last visit, and it's hurt me a lot and I don't need that. I'm not stupid, I have a Fist Class degree for God's sake, but apparently need telling that I'm overweight. Yes, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
roland83 · 09/01/2015 18:43

*First Class.. Oh the irony.

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 09/01/2015 18:47

I understand your feelings but you seem selfish to me. All relationships require tolerance and acceptance. Why is it all about you?

Original poster
roland83 · 09/01/2015 18:49

I'm probably the least selfish person you could meet, I'm sorry you see it that way.

I can only write about my own feelings, I can't tell you mum's point of view.

All I can say is, it's not working for me in a lot of ways, how do I deal with that?

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 09/01/2015 18:50

Also blaming other people causing weight gain is ridiculous. Make it short stays then not in your own home. Remember though your mum probably made sacrifices for you.

Drumdrum60 · 09/01/2015 18:51

Be honest then and find the least stressful solution.

Original poster
roland83 · 09/01/2015 18:51

Drum, not sure where I blamed anyone for weight gain?

Maybe you need to read again as you seem to have an agenda for some reason?

OP posts:
BoozeyTuesday · 09/01/2015 18:56

Can't you just suggest that they stay in a b and b while they visit? That way you can still see your mum and spend time with her but it won't be as intense.

Drumdrum60 · 09/01/2015 18:56

No not at all just my opinion. Mum equals stress equals weight gain.

Gautami · 09/01/2015 18:59

It sounds like you need to prioritise yourself for a while. Can you explain to your mum that you would love to see her in the summer (or whenever) and make plans for that (You might feel less stressed for having that sorted), and say a chirpy no to all efforts to meet up earlier. Don't try to give reasons, just say no.

I totally get the diet going to pot when people are staying, I can see you're not blaming your mum for this.

I also wonder how supportive your partner is with you about this. Lots of us come with dodgy relatives, but families should be a bit of a package deal (unless there is something truly wrong). Your dp should be able to put up with your stepdad's belligerence for a few days in order for you and your mum to catch up. If you truly cant stand him either, you going to have to tell your mum this and weather the fallout.

CyclopsBee · 09/01/2015 18:59

I get you OP, infact I was having the same thoughts about an hour ago!
My bro and his Entourage wife and 3 kids are coming to stay in our area for a few days. They live about 100 miles away.
It's lovely to see them but I get panicky about us all meeting up in my house, I don't know why, it's just how I am.
I don't like parties or large 'meals out' I can cope with immediate family or 1 friend but anything else sets me into a panic,
YANBU you can't help how you feel. Can you have a heart to heart with your mum and explain how you feel?
Thanks

Original poster
roland83 · 09/01/2015 19:01

Okay drum, fair enough. That's not what I said or meant, but thanks for your opinion.

Boozey, Yes, I did suggest that but it seems it's not quite good enough. I work at home, so I don't have tons of room. Plus, no matter how I feel, my partner doesn't want lots of visits for days at a time, so I have to reconcile that too.

Maybe I'll feel better about it all in a few days and can have a re-think about the long term.

OP posts:
Original poster
roland83 · 09/01/2015 19:06

Sorry, crossed posts with a few.

Thank you for the further replies, I was starting to feel a bit teary about it all.. silly I know, I'm not sure why I'm getting so worked up.

She knows I don't like him and actually agree's with a lot of the reasons why, but then like in all relationships, things blow over and then it's okay for a while. The problem is, I haven't forgot how he was/is and feel like I'm not blinded by love, I can see the real him and I don't like him.

I'll try and talk to her about it in a few days or so and go from there.

My partner has been great with visits, but I think he feels a stranger to all this when plans are being made and he doesn't really have any choice. He comes from a very small family and so it's not something he is used to.

Oh I don't know, just want to bury my head sometimes and hope it'll all be sorted.

I'd rather she lived nearby and we had trips to the shops, lunches out etc..

OP posts:
Gautami · 09/01/2015 19:11

Do you ever go and stay with her op?

Millli · 09/01/2015 19:25

Can they not come but stay in a hotel/B&B? They don't have to stay with you. That way they have their independence and you retain yours.

Millli · 09/01/2015 19:25

Sorry, meant can they come but stay elsewhere.

littleleftie · 09/01/2015 20:47

YANBU - I hate having people to stay over at my house.

Tell her she will have to stay at a B&B or hotel and that you will need to work some days. I reckon that will either put her off so she doesn't come at all, or will give you enough space that the visit isn't so stressful.

Millli · 09/01/2015 20:52

Totally agree little

BobbyDazzler1 · 09/01/2015 21:07

I sympathise with you. I hate having people to stay. But she's your mum. You'll only regret it if you say no. Don't say no say yes I'd love to have you to stay, but then explain you've got work to catch up on etc. and make a date for later in the year.
Please don't just refuse her. She obviously likes to be with you. She's your mum and there's no escaping that you're going to hurt her if you refuse her full stop.

Original poster
roland83 · 09/01/2015 21:13

I've been really accomodating with every visit so far, but now it seems to be a once every 6 months thing, to every 8 weeks, it's getting a bit much now..

Maybe this little hint will help her realise it's too much for me.. I want to see her too and we do get on great, but I also have a life away from my mum and I need to respect my partners wishes too.

I got a guest bed specially for her visits, so if I say to go to a hotel now it would seem mean and she would be hurt.. It's the whole build up to it all that stresses me out, the stays themselves go well, but I get behind with work so then I'm stressed trying to catch up and juggle it all.

Thanks so much for all of the replies, it's been very helpful.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 09/01/2015 21:16

I think people saying that you should say yes and just be stressed and unhappy are being unreasonable of course you have the right to say, so say no you don't want to plan anything right now as your busy with work and you'll think abut it later on in the year. If your mum wants to visit the UK there might be other friends/relatives she could stay with or alternatively stay in a nice hotel in a bit of the country she hasn't seen before.

Also check out the stately homes thread, lots of people have less than ideal mothers.

FullOfChoc · 09/01/2015 21:27

It is really hard having people to stay for long periods of time. It can be so hard to just chill and watch what you want on the telly and so on. I don't think you are being selfish at all to say no.