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Original poster

So did he cheat??!! (V.LONG Sorry)!

27 replies

RachyG · 16/10/2006 09:42

Hello all, I will try and keep this brief, but last weekend, DH went out very drunk with the lads back in at 3am. Sun morning txt on his phone from "Daz" saying I want your C**K sooo bad. Bizarre don't think much of it just one the lads messing around.
Monday morning there is another msg from Daz saying have a nice holiday (we were going away for a few days). This msg was def not from one of his mates so I get suspicious. For the next two days he hides he phone has it on silent etc so am vet suspicious. Finally get hold od it and get the number for Daz. Ring it on Tues a woman answers - aha! penny drops. Dont confront him but change the settings to save all of the sent msgs (he doesn't know I have done this and is unlikely to find out). Check the phone on Thurs and there is one to Daz saying I'll let you know. On Fri morning (after I have been out with the children) there are two msg one saying Can you speak, another saying, yeah, that's her number (mine) she is out with her mate tonight and this is her number just in case. I confront him and he denies everything at first. His Mums comes around and he confesses to her.

He went out Sat night, met a girl he used to know a lon time ago (doesn't know her name), they have a drink and a dance and get chatting and exchange numbers. She texts him a couple of msgs he wants nothing more to do with her so thinks thats that, until I ring her he gets suspicious and rings him and they are trying to work out together what I know / am going to do - ask me you fuffin idiot!
Don't know what to believe so ring her, she says she is sorry they were drunk, stupid blah blah blah. Tells me my DH told her we were having marriage problems the same as her (didn't know this myself but we do have a problem now)! And we weren't sleeping together ?? WTF! They chatted and at the end of the night they snogged (says she). Speak again to DH and ask him for the truth, he denies the kissing bit, but says I was too drunk to remember. I am in such an awful place thinking all different things, if he has kissed her then this is betrayl to me and I don't know how to move forward. Please tell me what you think or what you would do....Thanks xx

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 16/10/2006 09:47

He has definitely cheated on you. Whether it was just a snog (unlikely imo) or more he has been unfaithful. It's up to you how you want to handle it now. Are you generally happy with him?

tracyk · 16/10/2006 09:48

Unless this isn't the first time something like this has happened - I'd forget it.
When I was single - the number of guys - my friends and I snogged with - only to find out later they were 'attached' in some way was unbelievable. Even the most faithful of ones did it - when guys are drunk you never know. Doesn't mean they actually are 'unfaithful', and the majority of them regret it bitterly the next day.

Piffle · 16/10/2006 09:49

Sorry I think he has overstepped somewhere, whether it be actual sex or not
The cock message is overtly sexual and I'd be livid.
You need the whole truth before you can move on.
I'm sorry by the way.

MellowMonsta · 16/10/2006 09:49

So sorry to hear this. It is very difficult to move on from something like this but not impossible.

lulumama · 16/10/2006 09:51

if he has kissed her which IMO he has, at the least ...then only you can decide how to move forward

as Creepy says are you generally happy with him..or have things been going downhill

have you been together long, do you have kids etc...

what does your gut instinct tell you...and do you want to move forward and make a go of it

sounds like you and he need to sit down and talk...

throckenholt · 16/10/2006 09:51

is drunk "normal" for him ? I mean if it is a one off - no idea what he was doing thing - then I would just say - ok - lesson well learned.

But if he is drunk quite a bit then maybe it is likely to happen again - and that I would be more concerned about.

mumbleslikeazombiechum · 16/10/2006 10:58

bump

snoopy2 · 16/10/2006 11:08

how horrible for you. How long have you been married?
I would have done the same thouhgh, especially the changing the phone settings.

GRUMPYGHOUL · 16/10/2006 11:10

Hnn sounds like more than a snog to me its sounds like he is on the brink of an affair.

Personally I would make it clear to him that you know and that you woulndt accept it.

Daisypops · 16/10/2006 21:32

Are you around RachyG? How are you?

Judy1234 · 16/10/2006 22:10

If it's all he says then that might be the end of it but if he so much as suggests he hides his phone then you'll know he's still in touch with her.

Daisypops · 16/10/2006 22:12

Is a snog cheating? I think it is but I know others who disagree?

Judy1234 · 17/10/2006 15:01

Depends what you mean by cheating. Legally adultery is defined (those cases were such fun to study - you need penetration in the right place but not ejaculation) so even oral sex isn't adultery although it's probably unreasonable behaviour.

TeeCee · 17/10/2006 15:07

I don't think the emphasis should be on 'cheating' or the 'kiss', but more on the betrayal of your trust, the lying, sneaking, phone being on silent, discussing you with a female stranger etc.

I think you can savce this if you want it saving but you need to have a lot of long chats and get to the heart of the problem.

I think you should focus in that, what the matter really is and perhaps try and see if as this kiss, if there was one' has highlighted some problems your have that can be sorted.

I'd try, although it will be hard, not to focus on this woman and the kiss but why he did it and what can be done to prevent anything liek it ever happening again.

overdraft · 17/10/2006 16:39

Teecee i second all your advice. He has been sneaking around. I am sorry to say that he is heading for an affair or was until you caught him.
I have been through this and it is truley devastating. My dh kissed the woman one night while drunk and then that barrier was crossed.I didn't find out about it until later.He went on to have an affair with her.

divastrop · 17/10/2006 17:07

i think people on here are way too understanding and let men gat away with far too much.IMO even exchanging phone numbers would be cheating,i mean,if u are with somebody and love them then why the hell would u be looking for somebody else??!ive been so drunk ive fallen over or puked all over the dance floor in the past but ive never,ever not known what im doing with regard to sexual encounters.
if there are problems in a relationship then it should be talked about within the relationship and these people who say cheating'highlights issues' or whatever are seeing the world through rose-coloured specs.

overdraft · 17/10/2006 17:35

It happened to me and i don't where rose-coloured specs. Do you know until it happened to us I hadn't a clue about affairs.I too thought well they can't love that person they are cheating on.I would be the first to say sling the bastard out, and I did.I punched the woman in the face, keyed his car and he is still not getting of lightly emotionaly.Affairs happen for a reason and it is not always because there is a problem in a realationship.The reason can be just with them.I do belive that it is a total lack of respect for your partner though.

confusedmum2one · 17/10/2006 20:28

RachyG I agree with TC's advice.
Your DH has told this woman he's having marriage problems - I find that totally insulting to you.
Then, he confesses to his Mother but not you? I find this alarming that he would tell his mother something like this before you.
How are things now Rachy?

Overdraft. You sound very strong. I was in a similar place (although no physical contact made and no reference to our marriage made) but think I found out before DH embarked on an affair. To this day I don't know if he would've taken things further but I sometimes wish I didn't find out when I did as at that point he was able to convince me he wasn't going to have an affair whereas if I'd found out a bit later I would've know for definate if he did.

I know this site is called "Mumsnet" but why are there always so many tales from women about their blokes doing this sort of thing and never us women behaving like this (or am I biased?). Reckon they should have samples taken and frozen for when they want a family with their wife and then the tubes cut .... seemed to work on that dog program the other night!

Carpo · 17/10/2006 20:51

V. interesting to read other people's perceptions/definitions of cheating. I've just discovered my H has been having a "txt affair" with a woman at work - a woman who has supposedly been our friend ever since she joined the company. Absolutely gutting on so many levels but we're going to try and make a go of it.

He really broke down when confronted with my discovery, says it's really made him realise what he's risked and he values me and our DS (a mere 8mths old, for F's sake!) more than ever blah blah. Swears it was only ever txt, not sex, though. As if that makes it any better... Heavy sigh.

expatinscotland · 17/10/2006 21:03

I agree w/overdraft.

I've been cheated on just b/c the bloke was a low life horndog.

Sorry to be frank, but that's how it is sometime.

He's been lying to you and TOTALLY disrespectful.

Life's too short for that.

Judy1234 · 17/10/2006 23:12

"I know this site is called "Mumsnet" but why are there always so many tales from women about their blokes doing this sort of thing and never us women behaving like this (or am I biased?)"

Women don't admit it and separately if you're at the stage of having little babies you aren't so inclined, whereas if yo're a man who's been used to slim sexy wife always up for it and she gets fat, has eyes only for the baby and there's no sex at home, classic time for men to stray. Not the best of them of course but some. I think statistically there is apparently little difference in the incidence of adultery comparing women and men.

divastrop · 18/10/2006 11:47

right ,now i know you are a bloke xenia

HowwwlidayMumsPukefest · 18/10/2006 11:59

Women do it too Xenia sorry but they do! Blokes don't talk about it publically on forums in the same way.
How many women would admit on here how badly they have treated dh? I know there have been one or 2 I'm having an affair threads, but you don't get the full evilness of it portrayed on here.

anniemac · 18/10/2006 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

maturer · 19/10/2006 21:31

If he gave away a part of himself emotional and/or physical which should only be for you then in my book he cheated!

In any realtionship you "agree" either explicitly or implied boundaries, a moral code- we all know what they are and being drunk is no excuse for abandoning your personal moral code.