How to re-direct or move on from the anger?

[Somethingtodo]

I have finally pulled the plug on my 30 year relationship (20 years married, 4 kids). It has been a good few years coming - and we told the kids on Wednesday.

It was a v dysfunctional dynamic. Co-dependent/over responsible/enabler (me) and passive aggressive, irresponsible man-child (him). So there was a lot of bitter frustration from me which frequently escalated to anger. I became a person I did not want to be - the nagging, screaming, angry banshee - which led to depression, exhaustion and other health issues due to the corrosive relationship.

He moves out this weekend. I got what I wanted. So why am I still so angry? I need to get rid of or get over this emotion - please tell me how I can do this and how long it will take.

Even if the relationship was shit, you're going to be grieving. Grieving for what the relationship used to be, grieving for perceived lost years etc. Anger is part of the grieving process, and is a normal human response. It's ok to feel like that. Sorry not to be more help.

I should add, try not to repress that anger. It'll only turn inwards, and that will aggravate any underlying depression.

You have a right to your feelings and anger is one of them. anyone would be angry!

Feel the anger, understand it and process it.

then you will be able to let it go

I would have thought you're angry for a lot of reasons. Thirty years wasting your time and damaging your health for the sake of someone that wasn't worth it is going to make you quite angry for a start

You've got 30 years worth of anger to process. It isn't going to evaporate just because the relationship has come to an end. It will take a long time to work through it all and come to some peace.

Well done on ending the relationship, as everyone else says, anger is normal, I found getting a punch bag helped release some of my anger . It's part of the grieving process and you will get through it.

Thanks all. I suppose I also need to accept that even though we will separate - we still have a lot of logistics to agree and implement over the next few months. So in reality a particularly intense period of frustration ahead for me with the resistant, difficult, irresponsible, ineffectual man-child. Like pushing water up hill - but I hope this herculean effort will be for the last time and a bid for freedom. I dont know why I am still trying to get him to take responsibility for various tasks. I know he cant and wont do it and will drag it all out with studied ineptitude. I need to just take over and get through this efficiently and quickly. Then I imagine I have the rest of my parenting life to still deal with this looser.....

I am in a similar position but my marriage was only 11 years - two children though so will be co- parenting for a while. He left just before Xmas after I discovered his affair.

People tell me I am the kindest people they know. My job is caring/nurturing people but I am just so angry with him! I feel bitter, angry and upset that I have wasted my energy on him and he cheated. I have said vile things to him and acted like a banshee...

I think it is normal and I think it's alright. However I am trying to heal because I don't want to become that person permantly.

I have been exercising and it has been making me feel better. I have been doing things I enjoy and have thrown myself into work and looking after the kids. In the words of Elsa from Frozen, I am trying to 'Let it go'!

Could part of your anger be at yourself, because you married him and stayed with him so long? Angry that you did not make a move sooner? If so, please try to forgive yourself, which is the most difficult thing to do!! But give yourself credit that you have figured it out now and are taking action - some people never do figure it out and move on!!

and Congratulations.

Yes I am very angry at myself. I feel like a real fool for not seeing what was right in front of my eyes. I feel emotionally unintelligent with no boundaries.

We met at school and I have also spent 30 years seeking approval from his alcoholic NPD mother (only discovered what NPD was a couple of months ago) and futilely trying to tap dance to her tune. I recognise only now that STBXH behavior is typical for "adult child of alcoholic/NPD" - or in my case "man-child of alcoholic/NPD" as he was with me from 15. He also has "issues" with drink and I have covered for him and been ashamed of him so many times.

I feel stupid for expending so much energy at a cost to my mental and physical health - as well as undermining my relationship with my children and being distracted by his issues enough to allow their childhood to be affected.

I am terrified that the dysfunctional dynamic of our relationship has blighted their emotional development and the pain of PA/Co-dep patterns will be repeated in their future relationships....and that this is too little, too late.

....and that this separation* is too little, too late.

How old are your children?

8, 13, 14 & 16

We separated temporarily for a month at the end of 2013 - but I let home for xmas 13 as my youngest (he was then 7) was traumatised and oldest was doing GCSEs. Relate counsellor suggested I put off the decision to separate or not until after GCSEs which was a real relief as I did not want to adversely affect her GCSEs if I could help it. During that thinking time - I had this horrific vision of STBXH living in a squalid flat as a dirty lonely alcoholic like both of his parents - and decided that I could not be responsible for inflicting that on my children....so decided I had to make this marriage work.

Then of course I couldnt - had x 3 major health issues in summer 14 where he was actively negligent towards me - that was the final straw....and I posted on MN about my fears about the dirty alcoholic scenario - and was swiftly told that that would not be my fault.

Anyway he left this evening.....ironically (or not?) he has gone to live with his alcoholic mother in her squalid dirty flat.

Wow, thank you for posting. I am going through a faint shadow of this problem at an earlier stage. 16 years together, kids aged 14, 10, 6. I am angry all the time - at HIM.

No alcohol in our situation.

My SIL said my husband had told her years ago he was going to die on his own, drinking himself to death - this was before he met me. Much as I still love him, and he is the father of my kids, I can't do anything about that. If he chooses to take that path then he will.

I think your children will be relieved to be out of the situation. Have you thought about family counselling, just and the kids? Have you spoken to the about how they feel?

Good luck.

Thanks for your support. Today I wrote down a long list of all the shit things he and his alcoholic mother have done and how I have felt over the years. It was good to get it out of my head - and it was the same stuff repeated each year over the decades. It made me feel like a mug, a fool, a door mat that I did not do something sooner - he has blanked me out, ignored me and I just kept shouting louder and louder until I got exhausted and ill. Why did I not walk away - what is wrong with me?

On of the final straws last week was on the morning after I had told him some family news after a Christmas meet up he could not recall one word of the story - I realise that he has just been blocking me out - but the family news was a funny situation - so it isnt just that he shuts off when I am angry.

It's hard to walk away from any relationship, even if it's a lousy one. If you're a strong person and family means a lot to you, you'll keep trying. If you're the type of person that tends to roll up their sleeves and deal with problems rather than give up, a relationship can easily stagger on well past its expiration date.

Throw the type of manipulation in that you're describing and it's exceptionally difficult to break free. The emotional hold is powerful.

The most common regret I see on the Relationships board is 'I wish I'd left sooner'. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Well done for separating. My parents stayed together "for the kids". I wish they hadn't, though I suppose sticking it out for as long as they did meant DSis and I were nearer to being able to live independently and get some space to think/heal. You don't want to parentify your kids by talking too much about adult relationship difficulties, but counselling may help them to establish healthy boundaries and understand why your dynamic was problematic. Also to help the older teens not to get sucked into supporting your ex... Also, it's really important any future relationships are healthy so you model it for your children.

I was with my husband for 23 year (married for 14) and until he left me for the OW. I never realised what a nasty controlling, manipulative, bully I had been living with.

I didn't know any different.

But i still grieve for what could have been and what I thought I had. I would have done anything to keep my family together but he casually took me out for lunch and told me that night that he was leaving. Of course no OW was mentioned until I accidentally found out and then all hell broke loose.

At least you have made the decision so you can be in control. Good luck to you and keep hugging your children - that gets you through.

Thanks - I am glad to hear that a common call is "I wish I had done it sooner." - and there is relief that I have taken the decision. Just want to me 6 months down the line - but its "Bear Hunt"... "..got to get thru it".

The children are the real worry - they are 100% in pity of him. They keep challenging me.

Why did I not walk away - what is wrong with me?

something lovely, you know the answer to this. You were trained to be a carer from entirely too early an age.

You are a fundamentally decent person trying towards a good thing - a good marriage. Unfortunately it takes two and you gave of yourself too much .... as you'd had to do before, in completely impossible circumstances. But one person cannot do the work for the other.

How to deal with the anger? Don't bury it. Face it. Face how angry you are with him and with yourself (but try to remember that this was something you were trained for, too).

Go for runs / gym / swimming, anything that gets you movign and works off the energy from the anger. Write it down or draw. Punch a pillow.

You stayed too long in this relationship but have the rest of your life left. And you're a giant step closer to knowing how to live well, including when toss offal into the sea instead of trying to make it into fish pie.

have a look on this thread - a few others going through this -myself included
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2257304-Finding-it-so-hard-to-move-on-after-husband-has-left

Thanks - I am making progress - I called a lawyer and Relate today. I am now not agitated when he come to the house to visit the children. I have said that I will keep out of the way and I do not want any interaction when he is here as I dont want the children to see me stressed/angry which is what happens the moment he opens his mouth. I dont want them to continue to see me being the bad one again - that is why it had to end. We are only communicating now on email.
Worried about the boys - they cannot , why their "mild mannered, gentle Dad had to leave - and the screamy banshee got to stay" -- but I am not a screamy banshee with the kids and they will not see this again. I do noy want to give the boys details - so need to find some phrases which will take the blame off me...

very difficult one ... might it work to say something like

"It isn't working between Daddy and I and hasn't for a very long time. When things get that difficult and don't improve, I start shouting. That's not OK and it's gone on too long. It has to stop now. Daddy and I can't resolve this so we have to be apart.

I'm sorry that I have been so shouty. I'll try to do better. That doesn't mean you can get away with just anything, but there are better ways of being a Mummy than by shouting" .... or that kidn of thing but a bit more adult, for the older children.

Not sure if it'll work, just a suggestion.