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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please - how to be more proactive and please DH

26 replies

WantToGoingTo · 08/01/2015 20:02

Hi all, odd one here, and I admit I am mainly at fault.

DH and I only recurring theme, not really an argument as we are not the arguing types, is about the time I get up in the mornings and my help with dinner/lunches etc.

DH hops right out of bed when alarm goes off, is downstairs eating breakfast within 15mins and normally makes my lunch for me while he's at it. I find it v v hard to get up in mornings, and rarely have time for breakfast. I just can't seem to drag myself out of bed! I know DH would love it if we could have breakfast together and but no matter how hard I try I can't try hard enough, I don't know what is wrong with me :( you would have thought getting out of bed wouldn't be that hard!

Secondly is dinner. DH does most of all with occasional help from me the cooking. I don't dislike cooking, but he does everything fast, it takes me ages, by the time I've decided what to cook and started to prepare he would already be sitting down to eat. Same with washing up - he doesn't mind doing it (no, really, he even does it at my parents when they have a dishwasher!) and eats dinner so fast by the time I've finished eating he has done all the washing up (not entirely intentional)

Basically, I know I need to contribute more round the house by doing more cooking, and doing lunches etc. how do I do this when he always does it before I do as assumes I won't get round to it? He gives me an easy get out clause really. You could just tell me to stop being so lazy and get on with it. That is essentially what I got to do. And I spose if I made lunch the night before then wouldn't be such a rush in morning. The thing is now I ask him if it is ok if x y z he does/I don't do and he has now taken to saying ''do what you want to do'' except then gets annoyed when I actually do (and he doesn't say it in a mean/sarcastic way). It would be better of he told me at the time he would really like help etc instead of storing it all up, but then again I suppose he shouldn't have to ask for it in the first place.

Dunno just wanted other opinions. I am sure you will all call me lazy, but it feels better to write it down.

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/01/2015 20:04

What are you doing whilst he is doing all the cooking in the evening etc?

Weathervain · 08/01/2015 20:07

Do you both work full time? Children? Have you always found it hard to motivate or get going, especially in the morning?

Original poster

WantToGoingTo · 08/01/2015 20:07

Good question. Lately sleeping as I am pg and have been v tired or feeling ill (this evening that was the reason/excuse - was in bed with bad headache) previously I would stand around chatting not being much use. Sometimes I would be looking stuff up on the internet. God I sound like a terrible wife! The black and white truth...

OP posts:

Original poster

WantToGoingTo · 08/01/2015 20:09

weather we both work full time and leave for work/get home about the same time. He has 20min drive/30min cycle ride, mine is 45-60min drive. Yes have always found it hard to get up in mornings/motivate myself. He is the opposite though, always going like a Duracell bunny!

OP posts:

Original poster

WantToGoingTo · 08/01/2015 20:09

No children at present but baby on the way

OP posts:

Fairylea · 08/01/2015 20:09

Unless there are real reasons why you can't do more you really need to make more effort. This kind of thing leads to massive resentment (I've been the dh in this situation in my first marriage).

As others have said, what is the set up? Do you both work? Children?

Fairylea · 08/01/2015 20:10

Sorry cross posted.

BarbarianMum · 08/01/2015 20:15

I think you need to agree a happy medium. If you aren't a morning person, you are not going to leap out of bed but you could, for example, agree that X o'clock is breakfast time or dinner time and eat together. He may have to slow himself down, you may need to speed up a bit but his way is no more intrinsically 'right' than yours - as long as you both get things done.

As for doing more yourself - can't you find something else to do whilst he's cooking. Preparation for the next day's meal? Lay the table? Ironing? Wash up whilst he goes along?

There is room for compromise here.

BarbarianMum · 08/01/2015 20:16

Should add that pregnancy can be enormously tiring so yes, maybe do more but don't try and keep up if sets a manic pace.

Goingintohibernation · 08/01/2015 20:17

Who does the rest of the housework? I think you need to establish who should do what. I don't see a problem with him doing the cooking and washing up, if that is where his talents lie, as long as you are doing other things. Who does cleaning, clothes washing etc? In our house DH does the cooking, as we agreed that would be his job, and he enjoys it and finds it easy. I could do it, but we wouldn't eat as well, and it would stress me out.

tinklykeys · 08/01/2015 20:21

I think as you're pregnant you can go a bit easy on yourself, especially the getting up in the morning bit. As he seems to have dinner/washing up under control, may be you could make the next days lunch while he's cooking? As I think you said...

Is he happy with the way things are?

But again, be gentle with yourself!

Newrule · 08/01/2015 20:23

Do you contribute or take responsibility for other household tasks ?

holeinmyheart · 08/01/2015 20:24

As long as neither partner resents the other I think your relationship sounds fine.
I have always been ' Jumping Jack Flash' and my DH is Last minute. Com.

He chews over everything endlessly. It took 3 years for him to decide on a new car. It took me about half an hour.
I am a morning person and I like to go to bed early. He hangs around late at night.
However, we are fine and have been married over 40 years. I suspect you are an Owl and he is a Lark, rather like us.
It will be interesting to se what your baby is like as we have a mix of Owls and Larks.

Original poster

WantToGoingTo · 08/01/2015 20:26

Thanks for all your messages, I really appreciate it - needed to ask someone!

barbarian I like the idea of a breakfast time, that could work as would give me a cut off to be up by, like leaving for work is at the moment :) I will suggest it to DH, hopefully I could stick to that no reason why not!

going DH mainly looks after cleaning the kitchen on daily basis, but other cleaning like hoovering, bathrooms etc we share and do together as hoc. We don't have a system. Perhaps we should designate a day a week to do it, or a rota. Had a rota when I was a rudest which worked! Maybe I need one now too! Re washing we both do that. He is more likely to hang it up wet than me, but I always take it down and put it away. He does the ironing as we only iron his shirts - none of my clothes need ironing - though I do occasionally do his shirts for him if he's pushed for time. I do all the organising, planning etc incl for example all bday presents, Xmas presents for family, reminding about insurance, tax return etc. We share sorting out finances and paperwork.

Hmm feel bit more positive now. If we set a breakfast time and I do lunches while he does dinner then that might solve the problem :) different way of looking at it to my automatic response of ''I will try get up earlier/do more cooking etc'' which doesn't last! Maybe I should also take over more of the other stuff like do more ironing for example, or do the washing (don't mind either really)

OP posts:

Original poster

WantToGoingTo · 08/01/2015 20:33

tinkly normally after these arguments he apologises which makes me feel more guilty and says everything is fine I just need to have a tantrum now and then. However not sustainable hence why I do want to find a solution! I don't think he resents me just gets to him somwtimes.

hole yes I am more of an owl and he a lark. He would happily go to bed at 8pm of I wasn't around, but we compromise at 9-9.30! I just am not a morning person. Love bed too much blame the grandparents for getting us a goose down duvet

By sounds of it think DH and I just need to have proper chat about it re how we can sort the roles for future rather than trying to make each other do things we aren't best at :) have to say I am a little worried how I am going to manage getting a baby/toddler ready to get out the house as well as myself in the mornings! The joys to come, who knows maybe that will force me into being more of a morning person!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 08/01/2015 20:35

If he does the cooking and washing up, you could take on more of the other cleaning and start a system.

I'm a speedy person and it's not possible to slow down. Like your husband I would rather get on with something myself than stand around while someone does it r e a ll y slowly... Luckily my husband's speedy too.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 08/01/2015 20:36

Have you had your bloods checked to make sure you are not anaemic?

Original poster

WantToGoingTo · 08/01/2015 20:40

yes funnily enough the anaemia test was the one test they forgot to do when I got my bloods taken for my pg booking in! But I am having more done tomorrow to test for anaemia.

OP posts:

springbabydays · 08/01/2015 20:43

I was similar to you in the mornings but since ds was born I've changed so much. I'm out of bed by 7am every morning, sometimes earlier. DP was worried I'd still sleep in and he'd get lumbered with all the early morning childcare, and admitted he's relieved that hasn't happened. I'm glad too. Maybe the same will happen for you? Babies change everything, the key is to make the changes positive ones!

Original poster

WantToGoingTo · 08/01/2015 20:46

springbaby here's hoping! I have to leave for work at 7.10 latest, alarm is set for 6am. DH bounds out of bed, I normally get up at 6.30 in a mad rush and just make it in time! I hope that when a little person is relying on me I will want to get them up and not leave it to DH. Hope I can make positive changes too :) was thinking jut yest that when baby born and I'm at home I should get me and baby up similar time to when I would if goin to work to get into routine otherwise the 6am starts will be really hard when I go back to work...

OP posts:

MaybeDoctor · 08/01/2015 20:57

I wouldn't worry about it too much for now - when the baby arrives there will be plenty for both of you to do!

lem73 · 08/01/2015 21:03

You're being hard on yourself. I was absolutely knackered working full time in my first pregnancy. And yes you will learn how to hop out of bed when a little person is screaming down the baby monitor!

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/01/2015 22:12

Just because he bounds around, doesn't mean you have to race to catch him up. He could just slow down a bit. Take your time, life is too short to just do things the way someone else does them.

pointythings · 08/01/2015 22:23

If you're an owl, could you contribute to meal times by doing prep in the evening for the following day? DH and I used to do this when the DDs were little- we were both working full time too. We'd make sure veggies were chopped and ready for use, all meat for the meal was cut up (if needed) and defrosted, potatoes were peeled - all those little things that make doing dinner easier. I'd also recommend advance meal planning to that you don't have to think.

The first trimester or pregnancy is incredibly tough, though. I remember I was the one going to bed at 8pm because I just couldn't hack it any longer. It does go away and your energy does come back.

I think it would also help if your DH adjusted his standards a bit - meet each other halfway. And be kind to each other.

kaykayred · 09/01/2015 10:22

I don't understand why you have to fit in with his pace of life, and he isn't expected to fit in with yours.

He could stay in bed an extra half an hour, but chooses not to because he PREFERS to get up. You prefer to stay in bed. I don't see why this would piss him off, ESPECIALLY if you're pregnant.

Why not ask him to stop making you lunch, as you don't want him having extra stuff to do in the mornings, and you will make it yourself when you get up. Then make your own lunch, and don't expect him to do it.

I find it weird that he would like for you to sit down and eat breakfast together during the week. I mean, yeah sure in an ideal world, but is it really THAT important?

You do need to pull your weight in other areas though. Really you should be sharing the cooking, taking turns. It takes you longer because you don't get any practise, but you'll never get better if you just leave it to him.

My partner is like yours, and is always up ridiculously early at the weekends and during the week. I just stay in bed until I have to get up. Not once has my partner ever made me feel guilty for this?

Though I do the vast majority of work in the house, which is the only difference as far as I can see.

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