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Original poster

NC with brother

31 replies

Jojoanna · 08/01/2015 08:43

My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness at the beginning of last year. Whilst the rest of the family did everything they could for him my brother did nothing. He only visited once and never rang or asked after him. Sadly my father passed away over christmas .Yet at the funeral he was there with all his family (grown up chikdren)none of which ever visited my father and I just feel so furious at this . I want to go NC with him as I just can't deal with him. Does anybody have experience of this situation.

OP posts:
Celestria · 08/01/2015 08:49

I'm really sorry for the loss of your father op Sad. It's going to be terribly raw for you just now and I firmly believe making big decisions at times like this isn't a good idea.

I know nothing about your brother or your family. Maybe your brother just couldn't be bothered. Or maybe there is a reason behind his lack of contact with his father. Either way perhaps when things aren't so painful, in time, it's something you could ask him about before making your decision?

caravanista13 · 08/01/2015 08:49

Heartless as his behaviour seems it could be that he was just struggling to deal with the situation and so opting out of it. As a parent of adult children I'd be really sad if I thought that my illness and death caused a breech between my children.

Redhead11 · 08/01/2015 08:52

So sorry to hear about your dad. Flowers I don't have direct experience of this personally, but I do have some second hand experience. What he did was very hurtful and I can see why you would want to go NC with him. Doing this may well lift a weight off your shoulders. conversely, it might just fuel your resentment. Have you spoken to him about this? It may be that he was unable to deal with his feelings about your father's illness. I am not excusing him, because I think personally that saying that is copping out, but I know some people do think that to save themselves hurt, they just avoid the situation.

Either way, I think you need to talk to him about it. Try not to throw accusations around, as that never solves anything, but i know it is easier said than done. It may be that he refuses to discuss it and perhaps NC is the way to go.

Original poster
Jojoanna · 08/01/2015 09:09

I will leave it awhile so it's not so raw. I feel very emotional at the moment.

OP posts:
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 08/01/2015 09:18

jojoanna - I think you are being VERY unreasonable to your brother.

Meerka · 08/01/2015 12:13

jojoanna I think it's too soon to make this decision. As you say you're very raw.

Your father died recently and the first months are always difficult. Also if someone's been close to their parent, they often feel angry after they die.

Give it 12 or 16 more weeks then if you are still angry, speak to him or better, write a letter. Spoken words can go out of control quickly. Better to write them so that you can think exactly what you want to say.

It's got to be one of the most hurtful things in a person's life, that they don't see their children as they are in their final illness. To not make that effort is very poor, unless there is extremely strong reason not to.

All the same it would be a pity to have a permanent rift with your brother although things might never be quite the same.

Original poster
Jojoanna · 08/01/2015 14:50

Thank you . I do feel very angry because and we were so close.
I will wait a while before I make a decision.

OP posts:
InnocenceAndExperience · 09/01/2015 08:20

I think there is bound to be contact soon because there will be 'stuff' to do after a bereavement.

Look after yourself.

Pippin8 · 09/01/2015 08:38

We don't know the reasons, but Id be furious too. I have had a similar situation 18 months ago, my dear grandad was terminal at home, some of us cared for him, others stayed away. Then when it was all over, some of the others crawled out of the woodwork & tried to take control of the funeral. They also were expecting money. I haven't spoken to any of them since. Not even to discuss their vile behaviour.

Now my husband and I are in a similar situation as FIL is in a home with dementia & declining.
Neither of my husbands brothers have visited him since last May. It might be hard for them, but it's harder for the people dealing with it. One of them will be there at the end expecting money.

Original poster
Jojoanna · 09/01/2015 09:57

It was hard for him to see my father he used to say I want to remember him as he was.
I just can't forgive him and I wont

OP posts:
AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 09/01/2015 11:21

jojoanna - People have to do what they can reasonably cope with. Different people have different things going on in their lives, your brother's relationship with your father was not your relationship with your father, and people's coping strategies are different. You presumably did what you did for your father voluntarily and willingly. Please do your brother the courtesy of dealing with his sadness and loss as he sees fit.

Original poster
Jojoanna · 09/01/2015 12:16

Of course I will leave my brother to himself

OP posts:
nozzz · 09/01/2015 12:21

Were your father and brother on good terms?

InnocenceAndExperience · 09/01/2015 12:24

Well Alpha I get your point but if I get terminal cancer I hope all my children will pull together and support each other, and that is surely what most of us want. I would also want them to feel closer to each other after I'm gone.

Jo it sounds as if you have been through the mill and I'd be angry too. Take care of yourself. Go to the top of a hill and scream!

Original poster
Jojoanna · 09/01/2015 12:24

Yes there was no animosity. My brother never had anytime for my father. If my father called to see him he would say hurry up and die after he had left. But my father didn't know that and always kept contact from his end. They just were not close my father irritated my brother

OP posts:
NormHonal · 09/01/2015 12:35

I've seen similar with older generations of my own family. One aunt/uncle don't speak to their siblings now because of how they perceive they acted when their parent was very elderly/dying, and subsequent absence from the funeral.

What they don't know and were spared from (due to geography) was the relentless venom that the now-dead relative spewed at everyone, possibly the effects of dementia, and how, aided by another family member with an agenda, lies and tales were fabricated, repeated, and immense amounts of pain caused to the other siblings as a result.

But because they have gone NC with the siblings, they may never know all of this. Brothers don't talk to sisters, and fathers don't talk to daughters. It is a mess.

Please give your brother the benefit of the doubt, and, when things are less raw, talk to him. Don't let this destroy your relationship.

Flowers So sorry for your loss.

InnocenceAndExperience · 09/01/2015 12:36

Ah!

Well, it goes a lot deeper then. Probably not unexpected that he didn't visit.

AMumInScotland · 09/01/2015 12:49

So, you heard him talk like that about your father? In that case it isn't just about how he felt about the illness, it's a much longer term issue.

I remember being told long ago that it was best not to make any life-changing decisions in the first year after a serious bereavement - so not selling the house, emigrating, etc in that time when you are very raw emotionally.

I'd put making an issue of being NC into that category. But it sounds like you can just not be in contact for a while without it having to be said out loud? That's the line I'd take for a while at least, and leave deciding whether to actually tell him what you think of him until you have a chance to let your feelings settle.

Longtalljosie · 09/01/2015 12:53

Anger is a recognised stage of bereavement and it comes in all forms. Just vent here if you need to but don't say anything to him just yet Thanks

Pippin8 · 09/01/2015 15:48

I meant to add, you don't have to forgive him. Time is a great healer, I still can't forgive the people who shunned my grandad. But I now feel (18 months down the line) that the anger as gone & I just feel indifferent to them.

Holdthepage · 09/01/2015 16:35

Sadly this kind of behaviour is not uncommon when a family member is terminally ill. Usually those that have done the least become "chief mourners" at the funeral. Personally I think you see their true colours & at least you have some insight into their personality, good or bad.

Let the dust settle & then decide how you want your relationship with your brother & his family to continue.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 12/01/2015 18:12

If they weren't close in life, it's pretty odd for you to expect your brother to attend to your father.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 12/01/2015 18:19

Just be kind. Feel proud of yourself that you did what you did for your father. But don't waste time condemning your brother for not doing the same (or indeed worrying that others did more). You should feel sorry for your brother that him and your father had such a poor relationship.

Original poster
Jojoanna · 12/01/2015 18:49

I don't feel sorry for my brother at all.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 12/01/2015 19:24

Before you judge and codemn your brother investiagte why they did nt get on, perhaps your father was a better father to you than your brother