NC with brother

[Jojoanna]

My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness at the beginning of last year. Whilst the rest of the family did everything they could for him my brother did nothing. He only visited once and never rang or asked after him. Sadly my father passed away over christmas .Yet at the funeral he was there with all his family (grown up chikdren)none of which ever visited my father and I just feel so furious at this . I want to go NC with him as I just can't deal with him. Does anybody have experience of this situation.

My father did get on with him. I have no interest in investigating why my brother did not like him. They were never close.

You are grieving for the loss of your father and it's a time when emotions run high, and any confrontation with your brother won't end well. I'd wait and see how you feel in a few months. However angry you are about your brother's treatment of your father, that time is gone, and if you decide to go NC with him, you will effectively be losing a brother too.
Perhaps you need to try and separate the issues around your father from your own relationship with your brother and think about how you would like things to be between the two of you from now on. Were you close to your brother before? If not, is there any point in going NC? Why not just see how it goes and keep the lines of communication open. You are hurt by his lack of care for your father, but no-one can truly understand the relationship between other people. Feeling that your brother is selfish, uncaring etc may well affect how you interact with him in future, but I don't think there is anything to be gained by confronting him over your father's death - neither of you can change what happened.

Jojoanna - You can't have a unilateral relationship with someone: you need to accept the fact that your father and brother didn't get on. I'm sorry that's the case but you terminating your relationship with your brother won't change that.

I will just leave things and see how I feel in the months to come

Hi OP, I have been in the exact same situation as you. DB who moved abroad for studies got increasingly distant from me & my parents. I always gave him the benefit of doubt - even though his behaviour was very selfish & uncaring. Even did a bit of support when he & his wife were going through a bad patch. Anyways my DM was diagnosed with cancer & he lived in the same country as her at the time. Just never showed up!!! I (living thousands of miles away in another country) had to drop my job & go with my 4 year old baby to care for my mum. I would have done it irrespective of his involvement, but I just felt so alone in every decision. It was so so stressful to do it all alone for 3 months. I developed many stress related illnesses thereafter. My mum is better now (thank god) but I NC with my brother ever since. No reason will ever be good enough to explain his utter selfishness & disgraceful absence in this harrowing period for us as a family.

I wish it weren't this way, but unfortunately it is. Incidentally DB has never offered to explain his behaviour or insist on contact either. And I don't know what I'd do if he tried either...

Thanks Artistic . I don't understand my db behaviour over my DF and never will